My Family Is Falling Apart

M.,

You guys cannot get through this alone....seek good counseling. If he won't, you go alone.
Read the book "The law of attraction"....you may be attracting these types of relationships.
Hope this helps....If YOU are willing to change, there is Hope.
Good Luck,
One who has been happily married for almost 39 yrs,
Rebecca

I have felt this way before, because of past experiences, also. I just have to always remind myself the great things I love about my husband, and remember he is not the one that treated me badly. Remember to always look at the positives. Is there anything else that is causing you stress, because when I was having problems with my job I found I was worse. Once the job issue was resolved things got better. I wish you better days and happiness.

This isn't something that you can solve on a message board. Find a competent therapist, and do it yesterday. A good therapist can help you work through the issues you have, and help you out of the major depression you seem to be falling into.

M.,
The 1st thing I would like to ask you is, Do you know Jesus Christ as your personal savior? Regardless, I want you to know that God's son died on the cross to take care of every hurt and every pain you have ever or will ever experience. I know what it is not to trust and to be hurt by the very people you love. I want to warn you that clinging to past hurt and pain will prevent you from all the wonderful things God has for you right now and in your future. The devil likes for us to hold on to past hurts because those hurts become our security blankets. I would like to urge you to began to pray and release what you are experiencing to the Lord. He is touched with the feelings of our infirmities (weaknesses). You must forgive yourself and anyone who is a part of the pain from your past. Until you do, it will be hard for you to be happy with all the wonderful gifts that God already has laid in store for you. You get to choose the path you will take. Remain in unforgiveness and be miserable or release every pain and hurt to the Lord and allow his power to release healing in your spirit. I guarantee you and you put more trust in the Lord and not in yourself, you will begin to experience new joy and a new life. This will totally transform your relationship with your husband.

My name is S. and if you need to talk to me, I can be reached at ###-###-#### after 7 p.m. I attend church at Cross Pointe Ministries in Tupelo, MS. Our service times are 9:00 a.m. and 11:00 a.m. I would love for you to come.
I will be praying for you.

This reminds me of a book I read, called Are You the One for Me? In it, the author points out that we tend to seek in a partner the same traits that caused us hurt in our childhood. It's usually the opposite-gender parent. We seek the same problematic personality type (alcoholic, workaholic, abuser, whatever) because we are still constantly striving to finally win the love, approval, devotion, whatever, of that parent type. Deep down, we feel that if we can get that from someone like that parent type, we will be able to fill the void.

But it doesn't work.

This is, I suspect, why you have *always* been lied to, cheated on, etc. It's no coincidence. And it's not that all people are like that. You just keep going back to the same type of person (friends, bosses, etc. - not just romantic interests). It's not that you *want* to be treated badly. It's that there is some common trait shared by these types of people that remind you of your dad (or mom). Maybe your dad left your mom, cheated on her, or was in some other way emotionally unavailable to you. On some level, you have felt that if you could get that type of friend to be decent toward you, or guy to stay with you, you could forever actually feel secure, because you have won the loyalty of even that kind of guy.

Maybe.

It's just a thought.

Anyway, this isn't something that I think any of us moms can really help you fix. I mean, we can share our experiences, our theories, whatever, but this is something you need to work on in therapy.

Please, please, please decide that you're going to do it! And tell your husband that you're making this commitment, and ask him to join you for at least a few sessions. This fresh start might be the single thing you two need.

Good luck.

L.

I'm sorry that you are having such a hard time. I can relate in a way. I have been let down a lot in my life also and it does make it hard to let people in and trust one another. If you love your husband you have to find in yourself to just let it all go and live for tomorrow instead of yesterday. Talk to him tell him that you are willing to do what it takes to keep him in your life, and ask him to move on from the past and also look to the future. You will both have to learn not to hold grudges, and I find this very hard, but it can be done. When those bad thoughts start creeping up just think all the wonderful times you have had with your husband, try and remember why you fell in love with him to begin with. Now what has worked best for me and my life and family is God. I don't know your religous background but I do know all things are possible through Christ. If you ask you will receive, it may not be in the way you thought but he will get you through it, not around it, but through it. My prayers go out to you. Good luck, if you need to talk I'm here.
E. S.

Hey M.,

I am a retired social worker but know of many resources. You can message me info regarding location and more specifics regarding past treatment, etc. and I will be glad to locate local resources for you and your situation.
Depending on circumstances there will be a few to many resources. Also, most places offer treatment on a sliding fee scale based on income. If you have insurance you can check and see if they cover mental health and providers they approve.

I read the other replies and they all sound great. You do need to seek therapy for yourself and also counseling as a couple. This should be done with 2 different therapist(social workers, counselor, psychologist, etc). If you have a history or fam. history of depression or other mental illness then treatment is needed soon. Medications may help but they are not always the first line of treatment. They should only be used when the diagnosis show best prognosis with meds. Therapy, effort and hard work should always be tried and complement medications if they are needed. This will not be easy, but it will be the most rewarding thing you can do for yourself.

As for why you are doing what you are doing to your husband and marriage... there are many reasons. As suggested by other repliers, past history, etc... but also you could just have insecurities and the be completing the self fulfilling prophency. If you have abandoment issues, as many people do, then you will push your spouse away in order to make them leave and subconcsciously feel fulfilled as you knew they always would.

There really is too much going on with you and your marriage to fix through a message board, but do know that people care and your best interest would be to find counselor who works in the area you need help. Finding a good therapist is not difficult, but it may take 2-3 before you find one that you trust or "click" with, and that is okay.

It really can get better and no one is perfect. But life is not about making if from point a to point b, it's the journey. And you choose what journey you take and how enjoyable it is... of course more effort is needed then just making the choice. Your post is proof you are ready to make a change. Just a few more steps and your journey should be enjoyable again.

Many Prayers for you and your family.
God Bless,
-MB

Honey, first of I would like to say how sorry I am for what ever it is that has burdeoned you in this way. Have you tried talking to a Dr. I know prescription meds for situations like this are not always a permanent fix but I think it could be a temporary releif. 30 years is along time; are you sure you do not feel some sort of resentment towards your husband. Does the thing in your past that is hurting you so bad involve him. Please talk to someone before it gets to hard to bear.

You are not alone!
Get counseling. You sound like you could benifit from individaul, group, and couples counseling. A greater understanding of why you feel this way and the dynamics of how these feelings erupt will allow you to heal from your past and have the future you crave and deserve. You husband may also benifit from caregivers counseling. This will help him understand what you are going through and how best for him to help you and himself. He can also a find a caregivers support group where he will find he is not alone in his feelings and the other caregivers can help him work through the tough times and share there experances which can lead to new ideas about your relationship.

I am here to listen or talk if you like, I have been dealing with this for about five years myself.
L. Seben ###-###-####
____@____.com

Dear M.,

It sounds like you are hurting a lot. I am sorry. Life is hard sometimes. You mentioned that you dealt with some issues a few years ago and now they are recurring. Sometimes deep issues are dealt with like an onion... the layers come off slowly and more deeply as you are able to handle them. This sounds like a new layer in dealing with the hurt. Your emotions can be a signal that says, "Hey, there is something here that is hurting." Problem is that often we look at the surface and transfer pain from one thing onto something else. Perhaps ask yourself if that is what you are doing with your husband- taking past pain from others and projecting it onto him. He is probably your best advocate, there to help. Let him come alongside you. He can't solve the issues, but he can listen and love you in them.

I agree with the other responses that counseling seems needed. I have worked through some issues and some old ones sometimes try to creep back in, but by the grace of God, they don't hold me in their grip like they used to. Truth sets free. Believe truth. I know Christ can set us free. Go to Him and His Word and He will lead you in the path one step at a time. He specializes in healing the brokenhearted and enabling us to forgive and receive forgiveness. He alone knows the depths of your pain too. Ask Him to walk on the journey with you. He will. He loves you and is crazy about YOU. There is HOPE!

N.

I'd recommend professional help - talk with your doctor about possible depression or anxiety, perhaps you can try some medication to help your emotions even out a bit while you then go to a psychologist or therapist to work on changing your behavior. I spent 7 years in therapy while taking anti-depressants, and it was necessary. Hard work, required a lot of patience on the part of my loved ones and friends, and courage and persistence on my part, but oh so worth it! I was anti-depressant-free for four years, but then had some post-partum depression following the birth of our second son, so I'm back on a low dose, but my husband is wonderful and I'm doing so much better now for the intervention of earlier years. If you feel you're losing control of yourself, and your emotions and responses are overwhelming your ability to cope, then get professional help and work on yourself. :) Good luck with everything!

Like Dr. Phil says, you have to trust yourself to be alright if that person leaves, because the only one you can control is yourself. Work on you. Find projects or friends to hang out with, and don't concentrate on what you think he might be doing. Get a work out regimen, and make yourself into someone you would want to have a realationship with. Be about working on you and knowing you're a wonderful, desireable woman. Take the kids out on outings, and find a great church like I did. Believe me, I've been through the worst, but I'm not a victim, I'm a survivor,And I trust I would be alright if my husband left. Nobody's had a perfect life! Are you going to be a victim or a survivor? I hope I helped. God Bless.

Hello M., I will just get right to the point. Everyone has at some point been hurt, lied to, insulted, emotionally torn to shreds, lost faith in certain family and friends and has had trauma in their lives. EVERYONE. Sometimes it is easy to let that overcome your life and let that be all you think about. But that is NO kind of life. Life is too short to constantly be re-living the past, especially since we cannot change the past. what is done is done. you need to start moving forward or you will make your life miserable. If you cannot afford counseling then go to your local church. Churches offer free counseling. Only Jesus can help you be happy. Helping people out that are less fortunate than you can also help you see the bright side of your life. good luck

I am by no means an expert, but i can relate to alot of what you are saying and have been in a few of those places myself. If you need to tell the rest of your story, i would be glad to give it a listen,(read), and while i may be able to pass on some advice that could be helpful, i really think you ought to see a doctor if that is a viable option for you. There are so many medications these days that can help overcome such afflictions or just periods of your life where a little extra help is needed. My first advice other than the doctor would be to pray, pray and pray! You don't have to be religious or feel worthy of god's help, praying still always helps and can create miracles out of chaos. I will add you to my prayer list immediately and will be glad to be a sounding board if you need one. Take care one day at a time and god bless you!!

I truely understand. I have been in your shoes. Four years ago i was on the break of our marriage ending. From childhood I had trust issues and we in our marriage went through some trust issues. The feeling you feel in side is so real and you can't help the way you react it can be something they say or do or even something someone else says. It is the worst feeling in the world yet most people don't choose to feel this way. My husband and I have been together sence I was 15. 19 years this year.Four years ago we attended a church service was saved and babtized and got very envolved in our church. the past 4 yrs has been the greatest four years of our life. trust issues just went away. We are so happy thanks to Jesus Christ.You like start over a whole new life. You don;t forget your past but it isn't a issue it becomes a tool to reach out to other who maybe going through what you went through. To let people know with Jesus you can over come. Satan wants to destroy your family,so give it to Jesus so he can save it. I will keep you in prayers feel free to email me back I would love to talk with.

I know that it is hard to believe if you have be hurt so much in the past but please tell yourself as many times as you need to that your spouse does love you. Also tell yourself that you love yourself. You can not full believe your hubby loves you until you found reason to love yourself. This afternoon sat down with a piece of paper and write down everything you can do well. Also remember that God loves you. Also if there is one area that you really love found a way to developed your skills in it, take a class, volunteer. Also gather a group of friends who can be there for support when you need it. Also stop telling your hubby that he is play around even if you had to bit your tongue

M., asking for advice here is a great start. you are aware of your actions and you want to stop the behavior. going to a professional therapist is another place to look. if money is a problem, look into your local teaching hospital. they have interns in this field that can help you for little to no money and they are all very good and enthusiastic. getting therapy is not saying you are crazy or need to be admitted. it is a great way for someone who is trained to listen and guide you to helping yourself with what ever ails your mind. therapist are not there to tell you what is wrong with you, they are they to help you see what is right with you and how your past, although, it does sculpt who we are in some ways, is not the only way for us to continue to live our lives. facing your fears and seeking help is not easy. there is a lot of work that comes with it and not all of it is fun, but the rewards are beyond not going through it. to find your own happiness without seeking it from someone else is such a great gift to give to our selves. I am not a therapist, I am someone who had a very hard childhood and young adulthood who sought out help because I knew I was better then what I was doing to myself and to the ones I loved very much. It has been 8 years since I started therapy and I am so happy I did. no one is ever going to be happy all of the time. if you were, you would not understand what happiness really is. to not know sadness, how can you appreciate happiness. this philosophy continues throughout our life. please try and help yourself to become happy. the hardest part of the entire process is making the first step in finding help.
A

I have issues with anxiety myself, but not as extreme as what you seem to be describing. I also have alot of trust issues as well since my husband died. I suggest speaking with you doctor to see about going on antidepressants. They do work, especially if you might only be dealing with a chemical imbalance. If your doctor feels that you need more help than he or she can give you they will be able to point you in the best direction to get you the help you need. Best of luck
G. C.

I don't want to sound mean! It seems like you might want to think about professional help! See a psychologist! They will be able to help! If they can't, they will tell you and give you advice on what to do. Yes I know that's not what you want to hear, but I do believe that it helps! And even some shrinks can even prescribe something that may help with your problem.
I hope that this advice helps! And I really hope that you and your husband can work things out!
Goodluck and let us know what happens.
L.

M.,
i have not read all the responses you received, but the ones i did read all recommend the same basic things. Get some help/therapy (and possibly meds- i support meds when needed- they are very beneficial) and find something greater than yourself to believe in if you have not already.

There is not ONE answer that will fix things magically, but getting your life, your family back to a place you are happy with will be a journey with a couple stops aong the way.

Take people up on their offer to help you find a counselor/therapist in your area- in order to move forward you will need to be at peace with your past- but it sounds like you know this. It sounds like you also have figured out that dealing with your past may not be as simple as a one time confrontation with your feelings. I think when you have something in your past that is this powerful it takes a while and has to be tackled from a couple different angles. I do not know if you work or have children, but find time to do something you enjoy doing- even if it's as simple as finding time to read "cheesy" romance novels or taking a pottery class- indulge in doing something that you enjoy. When you start to feel better about yourself, about your life, you can start to feel better about your marriage- you will see that you are worth your husbands affections and will be less woried about him possibly beig unfaithful. When you are happy and confident about yourself you will see what he sees.

You are worth the work, your marriage is worth the work- I hope that you will find your way- you deserve to be happy and have a fulfulling marriage that meets your emotional needs and in which you can also provide love and support for your spouse.

i have rambled a bit more than i meant to- but i wanted you to know- as many others have, it won't be a quick thing to fix, but it will get better. Let us know what you decide to do!
sending you lots of prayers and positive thoughts and vibes.
K.

well i don't really know what to tell you but this is the only answer I found for me, Jesus!!! I hope that doesn't sound cliche but it is true. Girl my past is so bad I actually get asked to speak about to groups. My husband is a preacher and i did the same things. I finally realized that people will let you down. All people but as long as you have a really relationship with the Lord you can trust him. He will help you to trust people . if you need and church suggestions just tell me what city you are in and I will send you the name and address of a church in your area.

M.,

It sounds like you and your husband need to have some counseling. If you attend church somewhere, you should start with your pastor. He/She will keep it confidential and will perhaps be able to help you both work through this and to help repair your relationship. My heart goes out to you both and wish you the very best.

Hi M.,
I've been where you are now and it ended in divorce because I refused to get help. I have been married to my current husband 22 years because I did finally get the help and I concentrate now on the positive aspects of my husband and our marriage. I went to a therapist and exorcised all the old demons in my past and in my mind. IMO you should see a therapist NOW before it's too late. If you continue as you are things will probably end. Please...make the positive choice, see someone and get rid of all your demons...real or imagined. It's so worth the effort and money.

W. Q

The good thing is that you recognize that this is problem and will seriously affect your life if you do not take action. Every day, remind yourself (as often as necessary) that we control our actions/moods/emotions ... do not allow them to control you. There are so many terrible things that can happen in our lives but to be happy/content partners and mothers, we have to overcome them or the cycle worsens. Thank God for being able to get out of bed each day and care for yourself and others you love. This is a blessing in itself! MAKE yourself stay positive. Do the old rule, "if you don't have something nice to say, don't say anything at all." You must control what you say or do even when it's hard. Good luck on your new positive attitude!

If its been going on for that long and it really is turning your life and that that of your family inside-out, then your best bet is to find some professional help - and possibly prescriptives to help control your emotions until you can manage them on your own. Talk to your doctor or pediatricion about who they would recommend, and what financial assistance you can pursue if needed. If you cant seem to find anyone willing to help, please let me know and I will do some research and get you to where you need to go. :]

I'm not sure what religiion you are, but surely it should not matter. When all things get too tough or overwhelming for you, try writing down what your feelings are or what is going on, and put it in a box and leave it alone. That is one way that you can say, "God, I cannot handle this alone, please take this care/worry that I have and handle it for me". You will be surprised how well it works. I have taught my daughter-in-law that because that's what my mom taught me and it sure seems to work. Turn everything over to God and let him handle it. He's a lot stronger than we are and definitely has stronger shoulders. Good luck and God Bless!

Oh M., my heart hurts for you! Perhaps a way to deal with everything that you've experienced would be to see a licensed marriage and family therapist. Counseling can be a great benefit to an individual - and marriages as well. I would highly recommend you search one out - many times, your health insurance benefits will include a certain number of sessions.

Do you have a church home? Perhaps they would have a referral for a free or discounted service that you could use.

Another thing to take into consideration is that sometimes there are actual physical disturbances in our body makeup that can make dealing with everyday emotions difficult. I know that when my nutritionist helps keep me in "balance," I function so much better and deal with life's stresses easier. I also make sure to never miss taking my vitamins, especially during stressful seasons of life. :)

If I can do anything to help, feel free to email or private message me. :) You are NOT ALONE!

Encourage yourself every morning talk to yourself when you wake up claim a good steady happy day such as "Today is a good day" Give thanks for the day. Today i will feel good about me and my family. Today will be a positive day I will feel good -motivate yourself to think and be positive you are going to have to find a way to let go of that negative energy that is bondage that you are living in with yourself and your husband do not deserve to be treated like that if he is not doing anything dont lose your husband and tear your family apart because of something so minor as you have described when you can Claim happiness and peace in your home its really up to you.

I am almost 39 years old & have been married for almost 11 years.I feel for you.While I don't know your story I can relate to the feelings you describe.
You deserve to be happy & in control of your emotions. I would recommend therapy or a cr/celebrate recovery group (no it is not just for drug use) alot even provide child care and are free.

Many times as women put so much on ourselves that we don't "allow" ourselves time to work through the pain of our past.

While choosing to get your life back & keep your family together is not going to be easy...facing the "demons" & not being a victim will truly free you to be more secure & at peace with yourself.

In turn YOU will not have the doubt tapes playing in your head. Your husband married you for a reason & will see a change in you if YOU allow yourself the time to heal.

God bless you & keep me posted
T. D

Mi M.,

I'm sorry things are so difficult. I'm sure you've gotten a lot of responses, but my advice is to seek help now -- a good psychiatrist. You've said enough in your letter to indicate there are underlying issues and the right doctor can really help you get to the bottom of it or at least deal with it in a healthier way. I don't know if it will be expensive, but it will probably be less expensive than waiting until things fall apart and losing so much more. I'm sorry it's so hard and wish you all the best.

K.

M.,

God bless you. You know and admit that there is a problem and that's step one. You've been with your husband a long time, so I am sure you realize he's NOT cheating on you or he'd have left a long time ago, right? It sounds like you need a counselor. I went to one years ago, and it really helped me. You don't have to go long term, but just going for a short while might be a good help for you. Many of them have a sliding scale to allow you to pay according to your salary--some do it for free. Even if your husband doesn't want to go, YOU go--just for yourself. I bet you'll see a world of difference, if you get a good counselor. Take care of yourself!!!! I'm thinking of you, and hoping you can get some good help.
C.

I read what you wrote. I don't know what you are going through or how to fix it, but here to listen.
Are you still together? Are you doing okay today?

Have you given this to the Lord and let Him fix it? He can.

I will pray for you and family.

God Bless You.
John 3:16

T.

Hmmm...

I actually accused my husband of cheating (with absolutely no evidence) the first time I was pregnant because I was so afraid I would be left vunerable, pregnant , single mom and alone. It was about my fears from how I grew up and my intense hatred of how vunerable women can be at certain times in their lives. My husband is actually the most awesome person I know and I still told him I thought he was cheating on me! We talked through it and were fine, but I still cried about being possibly left alone quite frequently.

You need therapy. I think by yourself for a while and then as a couple. DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT before it consumes you and any chance of happiness.

I don't know your situation, but there are places (Hope House here in Mandeville/Covington) that will do a sliding scale for therapy cost if you've been abused, and it sounds like you were. Also, a lot of employers have crisis lines set up for their employees and will pay for the first few sessions as part of the benefits pkg. Find help, it is out there even for people who can't afford it.

Good Luck, ~K.

Dear M.
First of all I would like to let you know you are not alone that there are other women out there with these kinds of problems. First off I suggest that you treat yourself to a complete physcial paying close attention to hormone blances to make sure this isn't a hidden demon reecking hovic in your life. Consult with the doctor about maybe a mild antidepressant. If you feel uncomfortable with that then it maybe time to visit a good and up todate health food store where professionals can help you decifer what you are looking for and what the products are good for...and whatever your goals may be.
Secondly you have the internet ... there are thousands of places you can visit to listen to medtations and positive affirmations...you just have to make a descison to do so. If you are constantly focused on him or something eles then you are avoiding your symtoms which are called triggers. Triggers are memories, smells, sounds, occurences, that trigger an action wheather it be a good one or a bad one ...the results ultimately rest in your hands because you are at the helm and can choose your reaction.
I would suggest taking your own inventory first then worry if you really want to spend your precious time on worrying about him then go ahead and make yourself crazy about something that is beyond your control. If it isn't within your control let go and let God. Meanwhile find good support groups for yourself... and this will give you the freedom to explore new discoveries about yourself in a safe enviorment...with others that maybe have wisdom to share you might use in your instantes.
All and All M. you might want to get into yourself more and less him since he is a trigger soruce for you... if he truely hasn't ever done anyting to earn your mistrust then in my opinion you should work on your trust issues so you can feel free and trust your own destiny.
Hope this will be of good help for you and you have a totally blessed day.
D.