How to Get over the Hurt and Pain and Move on as a Happy Mom

You have received many great suggestions but I wanted to add that yoga and meditation are wonderful tools for learning how to let go of the past. In conjunction with therapy, yoga is great.

Hi M.,

While I can't relate to the hurt and pain you are feeling about the man who wronged you, I have experienced my own feelings of pain, hurt, and anger over some issues I had with infertility.

What I have learned through my journey is that its not the cause of the hurt so much as the reactions we have and the way we choose to feel about what happens to us that make these issues so hard to deal with. Because of this, there are common strategies one can use, regardless of the cause, to lesson the pain and move on.

I write a free bi-weekly ezine for parents who struggle with the emotions that go along with the parenting experience (anger, guilt, worry, etc.) that you may find helpful. Again, this is not entirely specific to your situation, but I can tell you from experience that the strategies are universal and very healing. If you are interested in learning more, you can check out my website at www.ishinekids.com, or email me at ____@____.com.

Blessings,
J.

Dear Amazing M.,

Life is full of good and bad things that happen to us and it is our choice on how we deal with the "things". You can choose to focus on what you don't have or what you lost or your pain or you can "shift" and get out of the agony. I've had many losses in my life too - the end of a 25 year marriage was probably the worst for me. But there is a reason why this has happened to you - perhaps it is to give you material for your comedy routine, or perhaps it is to deepen the strength inside of you.

I truly hope that you recognize that your stability and positive attitude are important to your daughter. I believe that each time you decide to let go of the pain and focus on the positive you will get stronger. Make of list of all of the things you want to do - and start doing them. Create beautiful memories with your daugther and each day breathe and meditate on love in your heart.

I am sending you my blessings for peace.

Namaste,
E.

Wow- you sound like me in many ways. First of all, my dad named me M. which when translated actually means bitter- I believe there was a reason for that. I completely feel your pain this has been my struggle throughout my entire life- dealing with the bitterness that can totally rob of us of our joy. I don't want to sound "preachy" but have you ever talked to God about this? Tammy had some really great advice- "The Shack" is actually sitting in my kitchen waiting to be read :) Right now I am reading Joyce Meyers "Battlefield of the Mind". It talks about how God never intended for us to carry the the burdens that we do and that Satan finds whatever stronghold he can get on us and use it to the bitter end to devour us. The more power you give this spirit of unforgiveness the more it WILL consume you- trust me, I know. My battle was something different but it WAS the battle I had with unforgiveness and bitterness. I have had a really bad relationship with my mother and have struggled with it for YEARS. In the beginning it consumed my thoughts and I couldn't even THINK about my mom without feeling this pang of hatred and anger. But over time I have prayed and prayed and PRAYED about it and this feeling has subsided. I finally gave it over to God and you have NO IDEA the burden that has been lifted off of my back. Mind you, it is not something that comes quickly or easily, but God is waiting for you M., He will not push you, but I tell you- there is no other true way to get this burden off of YOUR back. I think forgiveness is the most precious gift you can give anyone. And you can give this gift for your daughters sake. If the road of life gets to difficult to bear, God will be there to carry you :) If you ever want to talk I am here.

This is kind of amazing. Before I read this I was going to tell you if you get any kind of a chance do some things that really made you happy before for instance the stand up comedy. You may not do it on Broadway but become involved in places where other people are like your church or community center.

As far as forgiving and getting over the guy I got married 14 years ago to a very nice man but was married to the father of my children before that for many years. It is still hard to forgive and I don't expect to fully ever do so which may not be very Christian but I am accepting that it is okay. The kids grew and are fine and every now and then when I am in my bed in the middle of the night I think about my anger towards my first husband and how some things should be different. And then I quietly plot on how I could dye his hair blue and smear buggers all over his face. Oh so gross, but cathartic. Point is give yourself permission to be mad and then get on with it as God is preparing someone better for you!

Oh, my heart breaks for you as I have been destroyed by anger. It took some serious counseling, and the Lord, for me to deal with it. One thing that I was told by my counselor that really turned things around in my heart and I pass it on to you. This man, whoever he is, DOES NOT deserve to be forgiven. He doesn't deserve for you to let the things that he did to you go. He doesn't deserve to not have to pay for how he's treated you. But YOU deserve to forgive him. YOU deserve the right to be happy again. YOU deserve to sleep good at night. YOU deserve the right to move on with your life and not allow him to continue to destroy you. And your little daughter deserves to have a mommy who has her joy back. DO NOT LET THIS WASTE OF A MAN STEAL YOUR JOY!

I give you so much credit for getting away from him. So many women allow themselves to be abused and mistreated in so many ways. You are setting an example for your precious daughter to stand up for herself and choose a man who will respect her and care for her, GOOD FOR YOU! I will truly be praying for you because I know how heavy this is on you!

I will keep this short - but as long as you are carrying that anger, you are allowing him to still have control in your life which really keeps you from moving forward.

Are you sure you wnat to continue on that old path?

Hi M., I can identify with your problem. At the age of 32 my first husband committed suicide and left me a single mom of 2 boys - one just 7 1/2 and the second not quite 2 1/2. Single parenting is not easy, much less add in the pain of what you have experienced.

My mom gave me the best advice.
First: give yourself permission to grieve your loss. How-ever, to keep from it overwhelming your days, set the timer on the stove for 15 minutes and when it goes off, rinse your face and get productive. There is no such thing as 1 year and you are over it. Life doesn't return to "normal". You have to establish a new "normal" shaded by the past. It is learning and accepting that in time life will have a dif-ferent route. You are making a new roadmap in your life.

Also, know that it can take 5 years (more or less depending on the person and situation) to regroup from "the past". Over the course of time you come to understand that it is ok to live with the memories - and find the good ones that were there, as you go on to the next path in your life. In the meantime, take this time to take care of you and your daughter. (Mom said to go ahead and date, but to not get seriously involved with anyone for 5 years.) Learn to be content and happy without a man in your life. If it is meant to be, it will. But, don't live with the prospect that you are incomplete without a man. There is much to say about the satisfaction of knowing inspite of everything you can take care of yourself and your daughter.

Second: If you date, he is not a part of your daughter's life. She does not need to have men in your life in her life at this time. If and when you meet the right person, you will know it is right to introduce them.

Third: Develop a new social network. Single mom is a difficult position to be in. Friends who are married may pull away - either due to concerns about your single status and their husbands or because you have not moved on as much as they think you should have by now. You may even find the man who thinks that he should offer to "service" your female needs. I told them the handle of a hairbrush would do just fine; that I will choose who and when, if ever, that I want an intimate life with. Is it easy? No, but necessary. You do not want to role model for your young daughter behaviors you do not want her having in the future.

I'm running out of space, but know that it great to see a therapist. Coping skills are learned and it is okay to say you aren't sure of the next steps. Find a guide/mentor that you can use as a resource for personal growth. Make this the time that you learn more about M., her wishes, her little girl dreams and hearts desires. The road will not be easy, but I can tell you that you can come to love who you become along the path.

Make it a great day every day! Be sure to do a gratitude journal. Each night journal 3 things you are thankful for that day. (Mine was sometimes even that I got out of bed or paid a bill, or laughed at a wonderful moment in my kids' day.) You can build a new life and it is always under construction!

M.,

I'm not sure how much this will help, but have you ever forgave yourself for being involved with this man? You said you never thought he would be the one to hurt you so maybe you're holding some anger towards yourself for getting involved with him and for him not living up to your expectations. Just realize that you did the best you could at the time and when you were involved with him you thought it was the right thing. It's OK to be wrong. Don't let him rent that space in your head. Forgive yourself and move on.

I've been divorced for 9 years and have moved on to a wonderfull relationship/second marriage. However I would have dreams all the time of my ex. Ususally of me doing some physical harm to him (good dreams!) or him just showing up where ever I was and not leaving. It got me so mad that I had these dreams. I can honestly say I hate the man. Anyway I was listening to a deam analyst on the radio and she was talking about the same dreams I was having. The key to this was to forgive yourself for allowing yourself to be in the relationship in the first place. I did this, and it wasn't hard, just a matter of me realizing that I needed to do that and the dreams stopped immeadiatly.

Try and forgive yourself and see what happens. Also when we were dating he hurt me very much. I read a book on forgiving called Forgive and Forget by Lewis Smedes and it helped me move past the hurt. (though it should have been a sign of things to come)

Good luck to you.

Try EFT-Emotional Freedom technique. You can do it yourself or find a therapist to help teach it. www.emofree.com
It is a method of tapping on certain meridian points on your body while saying certain affirmations along with the problem. It sounds silly, but actually works. It helped me get over the pain of the death of a close family member.

www.emofree.com or search eft at www.mercola.com

I would highly recommend looking into a church group. Last Feb I went to a womans retreat and have met the most wonderful ladies, I learned to let go of this anger and bitterness and it was free! A long with that you meet great woman and develop a relationship with God. Some of the woman have never gone to church, etc..

Couple of things:
1. First, your baby's daddy didn't "make" you bitter - you're making a choice here. If you're stuck on the hate, then maybe there are other issues at play. I'm sure if you peruse your library or local bookstore's self-help aisle you'll see something appropriate. (Ladies - anyone here have a suggestion?) Definitely check in with an EAP counselor for a few sessions if your job offers that sort of thing, or clergy, if you're religiously involved anywhere.

2. I hate to break it to you, but when you make a baby with someone you're always going to be a lifer with her daddy. My brother and I are in our late 30's, and my mom is STILL bitter over her ex-husband. She wants him totally out of her life (despite her incessant negative commentary about him) but that ain't gonna happen as long as us kids are around. Granted, as a human being and a father, my dad's no prize pig - so on one level her dislike of the man is justifiable. Still, I wish she'd find some way to make peace with it. I hope you do as well with your situation. Believe me - with a couple of decades of child support, permission slips, custody issues and education ahead of you and your daughter, you're going to need to be as even-headed as possible.

Good luck!

You are not the only one who chose a bad father for your child but that is the boat you are in for the rest of your life. Try to remember he is only one bad guy in a world full of really good men. You may let a really good guy pass you by because of the anger you feel toward your daughters father. Don't let him do that to you. He has hurt you enough. Realize he is not a good man and move on. You are the only one who can decide to put him in the past and move on. Hang in there

Hello M.,

Continue doing what you are doing and in addition, ask GOD to deliver you from the pain. Always remember that if God brought you to it, he will definitely bring you through it.
As for the dad being active in the babies' life, don't press this issue, in the long run he will see what he has/is missing; just pray that it's not to late. Do apply for child support. Ask God to give you the strength that is needed to be both parents for your baby. Place your baby and yourself in the presence/atmosphere of safe, positive and upbeat company.

M.,
I have not been in your shoes so you can totally ignore this email but...
The only thing in this equation you can change is your feelings. You have no power to change this man so I would say you should focus on the one thing you can change. Can you even imagine a place where all you feel towards him is gratitude for giving you such a wonderful blessing that is your daughter? He may be awful, but at least you aren't in a relationship with him anymore. The two of you obviously have a serious karmic thing going on since you created a life together. Since he is out of your life, he can't make you bitter or anything else. He has not power over you if you don't let him. If you can figure out a way (as difficult as it is) to get past all the terrible things he has done, I guarantee your life will change in amazing ways. It will open the door for a beautiful man and a healthy happy relationship. There is no magic solution...but the answer is found in the ability of your heart to forgive, as HARD as that is. You can do it.

Time is what you need. I was hurt and humiliated, not just once, but twice. After my second failed relationship (rebound from first relationship), I decided that I would remain single and just date casually, this way I wouldn't become emotionally involved and thus not hurt again. It worked for a while, I learned to have fun, the other guys I dated were not the men who hurt me. Eventually, I did meet someone that I have fallen in love with, he is my best friend and I can't imagine my life without him. Does this mean that he will never hurt me? No. But I am wiser, I have been there done that and now am much stronger. There is no safety net, only your own heart and mind to judge what is best for you and your daughter. Above all be very picky, you are in control, and only deserve the very best. Good luck and best wishes.

It's very difficult for women to give up on that "school girl crush". It'll haunt you the rest of your life. As teens, we only see what we want to see in people, especially the ones we're interested in dating. That 1st love is the most important because it eventually teaches us what we don't want in a lifetime relationship. Let the past go and make sure you've learned from it honey.

Hello M.,

God is the only one that can help you get over your hurt and pain. Also, in order for you to move on, you are going to have to forgive him. Yes, easier said then done, but if you know that you have done all that you can and you say that he has hurt, well he will have his day. But, while you are sitting there hurting and not letting go trust me he is moving on with his life. So quit being angry at the past, because you are truly knocking your blessings.

Awwe. I almost cried after reading your post. Things will get better. Stay strong. Never regret your past, these are the stepping stones toward a bright future which is still unfolding for you (and your little girl). Try to work through your anger so you can see life (and your child's dad) in a more positive light. Please believe me when I say, anger can rob you of life's most precious thing. And that is, your joy!

The only way I have made it through hurt and pain in the past is by leaning on Jesus Christ. I cannot tell you the hurt and the pain he has allowed me to overcome through His love and the comfort of His written word and presence in my life. I would suggest, if you're willing, reading the Psalms to find someone to relate to in David who sought out God when he was at his lowest as well as his most joyful times. Reading the gospels can open your eyes to the hardships that Jesus endured on this earth as well. There's also a great book/workbook combo called "Captivating" by Stasi and John Eldredge that is all about the heart of a woman and God's intentions for you when He created you. It's a wonderful book and has helped me examine myself and understand my innate desires, my pain, and everything else a little bit more. You may also need to see someone professionally. When my mom passed away (and my dad got remarried quickly), I felt the pain for over a year before I saw someone to help me work through it. It did wonders to be able to express myself to someone who could offer advice and support professionally. I needed that at the time. Above all else, I encourage you to pray - just talk to God about all of your feelings - your hurt and anger and feelings of hopelessness. He will provide strength for each moment, one day at a time. I will keep you in my prayers, M.! Take care of yourself, and let me know if you want to talk further!

M.-first let me say that I'm sorry life has given you this turn of events. The only advise I can give you is what worked for me...I was in a very abusive relationship and this man took a lot away from me. One day I realized that by continueing to let the things that he had done to me keep me down meant that he still had some sort of control over me and that essentially he "wins". Well, guess what? He's not allowed to win, I AM! I decided that healing is a choice and I choose to heal. I also got some counceling, but not a lot...I used the councelor to tell my whole story, get it all out, and talk to...but there came a day when I was tired of dragging it out and dwelling on it and I decided that I was ready to heal and move on. I did have to make a conscious decision to do that. Now, I'm NOT saying that is or was easy, I had many flashbacks and lots of triggers that would bring it ALL flooding back but I developed a plan with how I would deal with those things when they came up. I am a Christian and I memorized some meaningful short bible verses and as the flashbacks would occur I would repeat them over and over (sometimes outloud) so my mind would be filled with that instead of the negative thoughts...slowly this conditioned me to think of those positive verses when the triggers happened instead of the other stuff. I'm just sharing what worked for me but my real turning point was the fact that I chose to get off of the path I was on and get on the path that would lead me to freedom from what had happened to me. It's hard work but sooooo worth it. You go girl! I'm pulling for you!

From someone who has been in your shoes.
Sorry for your pain. Seek out a psychologist who you can talk to about your pain. He/she can help you work through this. You must do this for you and your little girl. Even though you appear happy around your child she knows your unhappy. Children can FEEL/SENSE when things are not right in the home even though everything appears ok. It's like they have a sixth sense just like mothers have that sixth sense about their children. Children do keep us going during the hard times in our lives.
Check with insurance about what they will pay. Mine gave me six free sessions before I had to pay a percentage that slowly went up. I went every two weeks for the six free sessions then every month after that. But please go. Friends and family members are nice to have IF they are there for you, but you need someone who is trained to know what to ask in dorder to get you over you anger, bitterness, regret for not seeing what was coming and feelings of betrayal and abandonment by your ex-husband. You need this for you and your daughter. Over time, if not dealt with, the feelings will slowly eat at you and you will start to make comments infront of your daughter. Slowly your bitterness and angry wiil be out in the open before you realize what has happened. I have seen it with relatives and friends. Slowly the kids end up that will rub off onto the children. This wiil affect children in different ways from turning them into bitter andgry kids. Or the child could shut down and become quiet shy and frightened. This will have an effect on the kids and how they ahndle school and other people in thier lives. That's why I got help.
Call your doctor's office and ask the office personnel who they recommend, then check to see if your insurance will accept that psychologist. Some insurances have a list of doctors and pychologist who can see, while other insurances leave it up to you.
You and you daughter need a peace of mind before bringing a man into your lives. Unresolved feeling now will end up destroying a relationship with a man if there is to be one in your life. That's why so many second marriages and even third marriages end in divorce. Get rid of the baggage you have now or you may never move on or you will take that unresolved baggage from your first marriage into the second marriage. That baggage will build up with new baggage due to your unresolved baggage from the first marriage which could end the second marriage. YOU HAVE TO TAKE CARE OF YOU FIRST, then the rest will fall into place.
Good luck and hang in there.

It will be hard, it will take a lot of effort, it will take time but eventually the bitterness will go away. Do it for your daughter AND YOURSELF. Don't allow someone else to control your feelings and life. If you can afford to see a therapist you definitely should. If not go to the bookstore and buy some self help books. Every step you take to gain control of your feelings will empower you. Also, if you find your self with symptoms of depression see your family doctor. You may need meds to help you out of situational depression. Keep your chin up and keep trying. Good luck!

M.,
I hear and feel your pain and I may have experienced a similar
situation. All I can say is pray, get counseling, go to church, surround yourself with family and friends, be kind to yourself, and let time heal. Holding onto anger will only hurt you and like you mentioned cause you to become bitter, which is not attractive.You sound like a wonderful person with a great sense of humor and a wonderful outlook on life. There is light at the end I promise because I finally made it out myself. Hang in there! I will keep you in my prayers
S. s

Dear M.,

I am sorry that you are in pain. I know what it is like. People hurt us, and we don't know what to do with the pain. The bottom line is this: Have you trusted Christ as your savior? Do you know that you are a sinner in need of a savior? What is your relationship to Christ? This is the place to start. Once you have trusted Christ as your savior. He can give you the grace that you need to forgive your husband. He is your creator, redeemer, savior, and friend.

Hi M.,

I won't get into my personal details about what a deceptive snake I married the first time around. Suffice to say he's got a MYSPACE page and is claiming to be, oh, 12 years younger than he actually is....anyway, I do understand about anger, and I really do like all the other advice about possibly seeing a therapist, reading a self help book and possibly consider you are clinically depressed. Sometimes there are actual physical reasons for anger that need to be dealt with medically. I also think you need to change your focus away from this man who hurt you and try to develop a plan for getting focused on God, yourself, your child, and meeting other people. Staying angry does prevent you from moving forward. If you are busy in the matters of planning good for yourself and your daughter, you will not be thinking of this person who mistreated you. It's time to figure out how to forgive him and let go so that you can go forward with making plans for the things you want out of life for yourself and your daughter. God bless you.

I don't know the circumstance in which you split but I would like to recommend al-anon. It has helped me get over so much more than I ever could have imagined. I am a better mom because of it.

Hi. A close friend of mine had a similar situation. She eventually went to counseling which helped her deal with the pain and anger. PLEASE seek counseling! Go to your house of worship (if you have one) and ask them for help. Ask for a referral if they don't offer counseling. Another resource could be your township. Your medical doctor also could refer you to a practice that accepts your insurance. I repeat, please get counseling!

I can understand your pain. I was in the same place before, only this is about my in laws. I was anger and bitter, and feel the burden.
One day I know that I have to forgive. It's not an easy thing to do, actually it is very hard. But when I gave everything to God, and put my heartache in His feet, I was able to forgive. After that, I feel like a burden was lifted. I feel liberated and freedom. I know I need to forget, and I have to keep reminding myself to 'remember to forget'. Just like we wish someone will never say anything about our stupid mistake in the past, we need to put things behind and move on. I can tell myself not to care about what they say and what they do, I just put focus in me and my family. I don't want them to ruin my life more than they already did. I'll pray for you..

I understand where you are existing. You have to let go of the past and move forward. And seeking counseling would be a great start. I know that helped me tremendously when I was pregnant with my son. I felt the same as you and sometime still do, but I realized to be true what one of my best friends told me. Your child is here because that's the way God needed to get her here. I am not happy about my choice of his father, but I've come to accept it and move forward. Because I know my son needs stability and to see his mother always in a positive light.

I truely recommend counseling. My counselor was the best thing to happen to me, you need someone who doesn't know you on a personal level of everyday. They can see things you can't see. So, do it for daughter, if not for you. Look at your little girl and look for the good qualities you saw in her father. Peace and Blessing,

Mom of a handsome little man

I feel very strong that the Lord is by your side and trying to comfort you if you let Him in. There is amazing relief that only He can provide if you just come to Him with your burdens and give them to Him. He loves you and doesn't want you to hurt. I know this personally since I once got caught up in something so lonely and sinful (alcohol) that for 3 years I thought I could never release myself from this. Finally I came to Him and amazingly by His grace alone I was set free. For He has said "Rejoice in the Lord always; again I say rejoice. Let your reasonableness be known to everyone. The Lord is at hand; do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let you requests be made known to God. And the peace of God that surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus."
Philippians 4:4-7

All my support
T.

Hi M.
I am a 34 year old single mother of two daughters. As of right now I am in the same situation. I met this man in High School and we went to the same college. I hooked up with him in college. We parted in college. I always told myself if I get this man back I will never let him go, Well, I go him back but we have been through so much with other females, friends and family in our business, etc. I always thought he was the man for me. I went through a depress stage. I do not want to say more, but I spoke to a counselor that did not work. The only counselor that works is God. I prayed and prayed, What I was going through God was the only person who got me through this when this man left me. the hurt, pain and the things was done to had me want to do all types of things to him and myself, I got advise from this person and that person. I had dreams that i killed him but honey it is not worth it. Trust prayer works. The bad thing with me was this man was not my kids father but the way he treated my kids was like his own. I thought about them how they love him so and wanted a father figure in their lives but it was not worth it. God is the answer. If you don't have a church home find one and go even if you have to go from this church to the next. I even read a book called God's Promises. If you have to wait until God send that man for you then do that. I know you might feel lonely sometimes that is natural. I know i have been through it. Sorry this is so long but i know what you are going through and others are going through with the same situation, PRAYER WORKS AND TALKING TO GOD AS WELL.

M.,

Happiness is not allowing your past to prevent you from your future.

Do whatever it takes to move on - whatever it takes!! So many of us have been in your shoes and understand. Forgiveness is key as others have said here. You want another relationship and that's terrific - you owe it to yourself to take ownership and responsibility for your life thus far.....you can't blame someone else or dwell on regret, these are poisonous emotions.

If you would not have been with this man you would not have your beautiful daughter, or if you chose a different man she would not be the great little person that she is.

Your life right now is the sum total of all the experiences you've had so far. Memories are like 'snapshots' in a photo album - create new snapshots for you and your daughter moving forward and watch your life change into what you desire and design!!

hugs,

W.

Whatever happened between you and your daughter's father was meant to be. There is a lesson for you to learn. Maybe it is just about letting go and forgiving. Had you not picked him you would not have your beautiful loving daughter. There is a saying "Resentments eat their own container". By hanging on you will not only spoil your spirit you will eventually spoil your daughter's as well. Try to remember why you picked him in the first place. There was something good, you did have a child. Whatever happened maybe is for the best. Sometimes agreeing to disagree is the best we can do. He has his life and someday he will answer for his actions. Right now you need to just let go and be happy you have a beautiful daughter and a chance to start again with someone new. What's past is past, you cant change it. Embrace the future. Every moment in the present is the future. You can be excited about starting again if you choose to be. Remember life is an adventure, it is about how you handle the journey, not the destination. At the end of life is death. Enjoy your journey. I to have had a bad relationship and pondering on the past and not letting go only did a great deal of harm. I am speaking from my own personal experience. Remember, we are hear to learn and thrive and be happy. You already know how to do that. Try a gratitude list every night before you go to bed. Be thankful for the good in your life and the pain will dissipate. You'll be ok.

Hi, M.. First of all, here are some hugs ((HUGS)). Now, as some other posters have said as well, I lived your story. My daughter's father is similar to your ex.

As someone else posted, only God can help you get through this. If you don't already have a church, find one. Get involved with it. Make new friendships there. And if they offer counselling, go. Some churches have counselling called Celebrate recovery. It's very common, I understand. My church offers counselling, in groups - and there are only women in the group I go to, and tho there are various life stories there, there is a great bond among the women.

Forgiveness IS hard to do - I've been divorced for many years, and still struggle with some of the issues that you do - but with God's help, we can both ge t thru what we're going thru.

Hello M.... first of all let me tell you that what is most important is your daughter and I commend you for continuing to move forever despite your hurt and anger. Many times love blinds us to seeing the real person in front of us and we put ourselves in situations where we end up hurt, trust me, been there, done that. However, there is light at the end of the tunnel. I have been a Christian for almost 10 years now and I Praise God every day for loving me so unconditionally that I didn't desire anything else but Him and being with my son. When my sone was 1 his father and I parted ways in a very nasty way and we never saw each other again until a little over a year ago. He is also a Christian and God has changed him into a wonderful and caring man..... and next Summer we are getting married. I'm not saying this is what will happen to you what I am saying is that he was not the man God intended for you, God knows your heart and He feels your pain and He will provide that special someone for you but you need to let go of the pain and the anger. Use it as a learning experience to strengthen you and now you will know what you need to stay away from. You sound like an intelligent and caring woman.... don't sell yourself short, do not give him the joy of you being angry. Let it go! You will be much happier when you do.... when you are happy it shines through and that will attack the man you and your daughter truly deserve. You and your daughter are will be in my families prayers.
God bless you both.

Hey M. gyrl, I SO feel your pain! The advice that these wonderful ladies have given are what I want to piggyback on. The main thing is that you have a beautiful daughter, thank him for that. For without him the child you know today wouldn't be.... Can you imagine your life without her? I'm sure you can't. Any great mom couldn't imagine their life without their child. The main thing is you have to let go and let God. Just pray. I'm sure whatever he's done to you have come back to him. Karma is a Mother^&*(@#. See the key thing that we forget to realize is that everyone no matter good or bad come into your life for a reason and a season. His season is up. The reason was to help you create life which is always a good thing. So don't miss your blessings by holding onto something you have no control over. Sounds easy for me to say right? well, no... I've been there and lived it. So I can speak on it with honesty. I hope you take the advice we've given and open up and live your life for your and your daughters true happiness.

~T. M.

Hey M.,

Well I don't know the reason for the break-up but I do know hurt. I am 37 and I have hurt also. I was with my ex husband for 8 years and have been separated/divorced for 6 years now and still there are times that something happens that remind me of him and how things ended and I find myself getting mad all over again. Of course now the level of anger have lowered but it's still there. I know you can feel as if you wasted so much time or that you gave your heart for nothing. This is typical thinking but I've always tried to look at him as a lesson learned. I know that I did what I was supposed to do as a wife and I can't control other people's actions. I had to take my anger and turn it into love. I started to love myself more and see my worth and know and believe that life goes on and I have to live for my daughter. We didn't have my daughter together but he was the only dad she knew and would you believe after raising her from 2 yrs. to 11 yrs. old he has nothing to do with her today. But again we cannot control others actions. Right now I love myself and the Lord brought a man into my life that loves me the way I should be loved and with prayer and faith he will do the same for you. It's good that you realize now that you harbor bitterness because that's the first step to letting it go. You cannot begin a new relationship holding onto negative things from a previous relationship. I don't know if you are religious or not but pray to God to ease your heart and take the bitterness out because all men aren't bad and you can't judge them all by your ex's actions. As time passes so will the pain and you'll see your old self coming back. Don't give him that much power to change who you are now. Remember the best revenge is living well.

The biggest asset you have is your free will, you can choose. You might be surprised to learn that somewhere in your amazing humanity there is a portion of you that is holding on to the hurt. Possibly to prevent it from happening again. To that tell yourself, "History does not always repeat itself". Imagine the universe as a sea of beautiful blue calm and there is this ugly little black ball of gunk in it, now imagine that ball getting smaller and smaller. Do this when you can. Read Jesus' words, especially in Matthew, his sermon on the mount. Choose to forgive this guy. If you can't bring yourself to do that then choose to choose to forgive him, or pray that you can choose and pray to forgive him. As I see it, we are all a part of this universe and one, if not the greatest task, of our life is to be a loving and forgiving part of that universe so that it is a better place.
You can reflect on yourself before the bitterness took hold and build upon those habits of mind and heart that you operated with then. Remember that this will be a slow process, then one day you will realize that the bitterness is diminishing and one day you will realize that it is gone. "Blessed are you that mourn, for one day you will be consoled" You have lost your dream of being married to a wonderful guy, accept that loss and realize that everyone, everyone has to let go of some dreams.
On the practical side, analyze what were the clues to you early in the relationship that he was not very nice. What were the red flags and establish those in your mind for what to avoid in future relationships. Think of it, actually you would not want to meet a great guy now, you have too much internal work to do, you are not ready yet. Tell yourself that a man is not the answer, he will not take away the bitterness, only you can. Avoid negativity, negative friends, negative movies. Choose to laugh. Go to funny movies. Make up a comic routine about this guy or men and what they do, that might work with you. Volunteer to help people. Read Pope Benedict XVI's encyclical on Hope. REad Guideposts or other inspirational items. There are probably as many ways to get rid of that bitterness as there are stars in the sky.

The first thing you really need to do is let go of the anger inside you. I know this is very hard to do, but it is hurting you much more than it is anyone else. Journaling daily can help, as you can put it on paper, then move on with your day and leave it on the paper. When you begin to feel sad, angry, alone, frustrated---STOP the thought right there, and tell yourself to put it on the back burner to journal later.
Find something to do that brings you joy--and make time for it. Soon you will find that you are spending more time on that, and less focusing on the "bad" things. You can journal about the good things too, which will give you a positive thinking experience.
Have you read the book "the secret"? I suggest it.
Chin up!

See a professional - a therapist. The women here will undoubtedly give you good advice, but I'm not so sure any one of us is a credible psychological professional. Consider this - if you broke your arm, you would go see a bone doctor. If you had trouble with your eyes you would go see an eye doctor. If you develop a sick liver, you would go see a liver specialist. It appears that you have been emotionally wounded - please go see a therapist.

Hi M.,

First of all, I am so sorry for your pain. It is good that you are reaching out for help and support. You are not alone!

You MUST MUST MUST read the book "In the Meantime" by Iyanla Vanzant. It is one of the most powerful books I have ever read. It will truly change the way you view yourself and your life. Essentially, it is a step-by-step guide on how to heal yourself of emotional pain, especially when that pain has been caused by a failed romantic relationship. It is a deep and profound read. From the first chapter, you will never be the same!

I really hope you take the time to read this book - it will most definitely help give you the answers you've been searching for. You have the power to heal yourself and free yourself from the burder on this bitterness!!! Believe me, I have done it.

Best of luck! And please keep us posted : )

M., I feel your pain and you deserve better. Run not walk to Barnes & Noble get the book by Louise L Hay, You can heal your life read and reread it until you get what she says.
L.