My Experience with Mamapedia

I understand exactly what you are saying. There is sometimes a herd mentality on here where the original poster will say they don't like something, or they think some way about something, and you'll have monkey see, monkey do type reactions. A hosts of agreements and a splattering of more neutral or opposing posts. The problem is when it's written the same day or close to the same day as a poster talked about the subject, so people who have read or answered that person's question KNOW that this poster who doesn't like it, is talking about that person. So this person is being ganged up on by a whole group of people.

That's what happened yesterday. I felt so sorry for that lady. She is nice. She is kind. She wasn't nasty in her OP. She didn't say anything ugly in her SWH. She had real privacy concerns. I felt bad that she came on and apologized. She owed no apologies. I was actually embarrassed for her because a group of people who knew it was her were chiding her in a different thread.

The rest of the folks who had not read it didn't know who the original poster was talking about, at least.

Thank you for what you said.

Dawn

Hi Mama,

I started with some very personal questions. It is hard to not take things personally - for better or for worse. You may want to take a break then reread the answers before responding. It took me awhile to get use to this site and I am so glad I did :D

A.:

The problem with the written word, is if you don't like what the person is typing - you put your own voice to it.
You cannot see their passion.
You cannot see their body language.
You cannot hear their voice.
So you put YOUR voice to the words. if the words aren't what you want to hear, then your voice will read it snottily or badly.
If you love what they are saying - you will put a smile on your face when you read it and such.

When you have a problem with someone - take it to them. Contact them via a personal message and clarify the situation.

If people are NOT reading your post "right" then ADD to it. Clarify what seems to be a misunderstanding of most or any readers.

The best thing about mamapedia is that you can take the advice or leave it. There are many people on here - both men and women - who have AWESOME experience to offer. Some? Well, they don't have too much to say.

We have sarcastic people.
We have happy people.
We have mean people.
We have bullies (yep, even adults!!)
We have all walks of life here. To instead of being defensive, take your problem to the person or persons you felt didn't understand your question and address it. If they respond - GREAT!! If they don't? Their loss.

you can always ADD to your post. use the SWH (So What Happened) - which I believe you did - you stated your daughter was in a church program. If someone seems off-topic or off-line - address the issue - especially if people aren't "getting it" - CLARIFY. It's OKAY.

That's too bad. The way I see it is this:

We learn more from opposing points of view than we do from our own. The day we stop entertaining ideas different from ours, is the day we stop learning.

And if we're not interested in different points of view, what's the point in posting?

I hope you'll stay awhile. You may actually grow fond of some of the quirky characters on this board. I certainly have.

:)

Hi A.,

I took a peek at your last post, just for reference... welcome.:)

Here's my take on Mamapedia and forums (and lots of human interaction in general):

You are going to get all comers, even the sort of people you would likely NEVER approach for advice. Some people here-- I would love to just give them a hug if I knew them in person. Others, I might cross the street to avoid. (Sorry, but it's true.)

You are going to get kind words and, sometimes, some people will throw tomatoes. They brought tomatoes for this purpose, just like the forums of old. They went to the forum *specifically* to throw tomatoes, if you know what I mean. :)

Everyone (and I mean everyone) brings their baggage/history with them. Whether or not it affects their responses is really up to chance. This may be what you think of as 'twisting words'-- we all interpret others' situations through the lens of our own histories and may impose those memories onto a completely different situation. We each have our own filters for this stuff.

And as we say politely, "It takes all kinds". Some posters are mature, have good intentions, give the original poster the benefit of the doubt and try to be kind; there are other posters here who I don't think have written two supportive things in a row and tend to be rather crass and assumptive.

My advice would be to do what we all do as parents: take the best and leave the rest. Take breaks, too, if you feel it's becoming too personal.

You say a couple paragraphs can't do justice to your story, which is correct. What I don't understand is why you call it twisting your words when people try to fill in the blanks?

I read your last question but nothing really resonated with me. Yeah my son did some damn stupid things and ended up in lock up for it. Yup they egged a car, apparently the night after another kid threw a brick through the window of the same car! What can I say, the kid is brilliant! He lost no friends over this so looking at your story, why did your daughter lose her friends?

Nothing in your post answered that so I moved on. I really don't think knowing it wasn't the crime that lost her her friends was going to help her. What would? I don't know. Maybe if I had more time I would have tried to come up with a response. Would you have been criticizing my response as twisting your words?

I am concerned because I hate posts like this. I hate when people say I wouldn't say something in the real world, to someone's face. You live close to me, would you like a list of people you can speak to that will tell you, yes she will.

I find it interesting that when I post questions and I am frustrated with the answers I blame myself for not being clear. You are blaming others. Communication is two ways why do you think it is all on us?

There are all sorts of opinions on here. If they are hateful, I'm sure you can look at their previous responses to others and see that it is their trait. Some are tough love, some are preachy, some are mean, and some will become your absolute favorites. But...we all throw our personal stuff out here!
You are so right - a couple of paragraphs can't begin to explain months or years of build up to the reason you posted your question.
I hope you have a good experience here.

I just read your last question and to be honest, I did not think the answers were that bad. I have seen some replies that I thought were very harsh, but not on that post. I do agree though that it is sooo frustrating when you state something in your question and its like people dont fully read it before they answer, like they are looking for something to slam you for. My last question was about my 3 year old getting a subpeona for court... I stated right in my original post that I had left a message for the states attorney, but I got all kinds of responses like "well dont just not show up" and "you need to take the time to reach out to the attorneys".... well, duh! I did, and I said I did, and you did not take the time to read my post. But I also got some great responses. YOu just have to filter out the garbage I guess. sometimes it is hard to hear the message when you dont necessarily agree, but it does give you a way to see the "other side of the story" sometimes. Like someone said below, if the majority thinks your wrong on something, than at the very least its something to think about.

I have been impressed with how many really good people/answers I see on mamapedia. some people really do take a lot of time and put a lot of effort into trying to help others with their responses. I just dont pay much attention to the ones that are always snarky... filter them out.

First off, welcome to Mamapedia! We are a rather ecclectic bunch with a wide variety of life views and opinions. I think that is what makes this such a great forum. I appreciate the fact that you have embraced our forum so quickly and have asked for opinions. But please remember we are offering our opinions and not professional, religious or sometimes even well thought out advice. I try very hard to be objective and friendly in my responses, but sometimes I am in a bad mood or the topic just rubs me wrong and I can come across negatively (I usually delete these responses before I post). But, I don't know what I would do without my Mamapedia community! Stick around and give us a chance, we are a BIG happy group of mamas (and dads, too!).

This is a forum.
As such we all take a "risk" with our questions or comments... because there will be MANY responses to it. That is the nature of a forum. But we cannot expect... that everyone will KNOW our exact story or details or background or personal history. These things are capsulized or abbreviated "summaries" of our questions/comments.
So you take things with a grain of salt, knowing that... no one here, knows your 100% full story or life. The way people word their questions/comments, are simply their response.
And it is not a conversation. It is a forum. Among, "strangers."
It is a type of venue, in which to express ourselves and give our opinions.
And we all come from different parts of the world and cultures and backgrounds. That is the nice thing about it.

And in the end... no matter what responses or questions we have... we have it because we are wondering about something. So we like feedback. Or ideas. And many different styles of how people respond and many different ways that a person "interprets" what is asked. Just like in real-life, conversations. Everyone interprets things, differently.
And... there are MANY different personalities here.
And... there are many different styles here... ie: some people are good writers, some are not.

I know what you mean.
I had a crazy stalker. 'Nuf said.
I like what Dawn said about the herd mentality. Sometimes "the herd" is really just O. person. I mean, we DON'T know that someone named "SexyMama" is not a 70 year old man sitting at his home computer.
Privacy MUST be a concern.
Then you have the contingent that DOES what they condemn others for doing! That's always interesting......they publicly chastise someone for welcoming new members, then make it their first sentence of every response! I don't get that at all.
I guess when you post a question, give as many details as possible to try to give responders the best overall feel of the situation. And people miss things, they skim the post....etc. It may not be snarky on purpose, bur comes across as such.
Take the good, consider other views and leave the bad....that's my best advice. You'll find about 33% of each of the above on this site!

And......WELCOME!!!

I'm sorry you felt attacked for your post on your daughter. The flags may have gone up because your daughter lost all of her friends and so did you. But you said you could not tell us the whole back story in a couple of paragraphs which means a lot was left out.

As others has posted there is a wide range of age, maturity, experience, ethnic and financial on this site. We all think of things that have happened in a similar way to help us understand what may have gone wrong and to give an intelligent answer. Sometimes it goes against what we hope to hear or learn but it is an answer. Take all the good from the bad. If you have to get a piece of paper and pencil and jot down the good do so. Then make a decision from all that has been expressed.

We are all here to give encouragement no matter what. The dads here give us women a perspective that we don't think about or in a manner that makes us stop and go, "Oh, I didn't think about it that way." And then we regroup and do the best we can.

Please stick around and learn that we are all human and we don't eat our young not yet anyway.

The other S.
One of the seniors on the site

PS There have been times that I had to sit back and watch the fur fly by and duck down to keep from being hit but it all evened out and all is good for now.

There is also a lot of hypocrisy on this site too. Once these people see how there *friends* respond, they follow suit and back them up with similar posts. They will call names and tell you you have a chip on your shoulder but when their friends put up much harsher posts they join together in a united front and demean anyone that opposes their views.

All I can say is hang in there and take the bad posts with a grain of salt.

there are always going to be the ones that misread or rather read between the lines...just ignore them. trust me...it only gets worse if you try and correct yourself for THEM.

I am so confused because I read your post and the replies and they were all very supportive. I think a couple people just worded things a little more harshly, but were still supportive of you and said they thought you were doing a great job handling it. Can you give some specific examples I may be missing?

I know exactly what you mean...I thought it was "funny" when I asked about trying to get lower car insurance with my teenage son and he pays his own insurance, gas & car payment (I bought his first vehicle but he wanted somethng different). When I said he does enough (meaning I didn't want him to have pay higher car ins.) someone automatically jumped on me because my son should not have to worry abut his mom & whatever else. Um, he doesn't worry about me & I paid for all of that stuff when I was a teenager & I had two parents. So yes I totally get what you are saying. Some people are just self righteous & think everyone should live life the way they do or its wrong. One single mom on here was asking something about another kid/birth control or something of that sort & she got PM hate mail about taking care of the kid she already has & being sexually promiscuous...lmao! It's called giving advice, not being judgmental and acting like a parent to someone who is a parent. Some people do come on here just hoping to hear they are right (okay so we all do in a way ;)). I try to go with the majority...I figure if the majority says I am wrong then there must be something to it. Have fun with it, take all advice into consideration as when you put the bits and pieces together sometimes it makes sense and don't let the haters get to you!

Well you pointed out a few of the problems with online advice... here is the best benefit; you can simply ignore it. Resist your better nature and if you don't like something don't dignify it with a response... I mean for all you know it could be some trolling teenager :-/