Background: I was married for 4 years, and when I first married "Joe", I was instantly an aunt, gaining 4 neices and nephews. The twin girls "Sue" and "Sally" were probably 6 or 7 years old. I saw them often - probably once or twice a month since they lived in a nearby city. Then after 4 years of marriage, Joe wanted divorce (was sleeping around on me). Sue & Sally were 5th graders when we divorced and I spoke with Sue once or twice on the phone after Joe's & my separation. Since the divorce (2006), I haven't heard from my ex, from my neices or nephews, nor from my former SIL or BIL (Sue's parents), nor from MIL. (I have heard thru the grapevine that ex is remarried and now has kids).
So TWICE NOW this summer, Sue has called my parent's house (the only number she has I guess, I lived with them after the separation). She's called and asked for me. My parents told her the first time "J.'s not here. Can I give her a message?" and she wanted me to call her back. I didn't call her back. So today (a month later), she called and my dad told her that I don't live there anymore.
So my question is, what do I say to this now 9th or 10th grade girl who is calling me? I love her dearly, but I have moved on in my life and don't really want my ex to hear what's going on with me and my new famliy. I want to say something nice to her instead of just blowing her off. I don't know if there's been a death in her family and she just wants to talk (which my parents said she sounded cheery so probably not the case). I don't know if my ex put her up to it to call me (do 5th grade girls hold on to a phone number for 4 years?) I want her to know that I think of her and that I did not want to leave that part of the family, yet at the same time, I don't want her to know too much about me nor do I want to open up a line of communication where her parents and my ex and everyone is back talking to me. I DON'T WANT DRAMA it could cause! My parents are open to reading something that I write for them next time she calls, or I could call her back (from my parents number) and tell her something to give closure. But what do I say? Feel free to write exactly what you'd say and I can make a mix of all y'all's responses. Thanks a lot in advance!
I think I WILL call her back (from my parent's line). Thanks for your feedback. I just want to phrase it right when she asks me "So what's new in you life?" Some of y'all were wondering why I don't want my ex to know all about me.... well the divorce was not a happy one and we've both ceased all contact with eachother. He was very mean and was emotionally abusive to me during the divorce. My ex is close to his brother (Sue's dad), so I am worried that contacting Sue will end up making contact with my ex and my Brother-in-Law, which I don't want to do. I will update this "So What Happened" after I call her if y'all care to check back. It'll be another week or so. I'd still love to hear other responses about the nice way to phrase it when I don't want to give her a whole bunch of details when she asks. Oh and a few of y'all suggested Facebook or Myspace. I do NOT have Facebook and just recently deleted my Myspace account. So that idea won't work for me. and Liisa - I do think that she IS doing it behind her parent's back. I don't know that for sure, but her parents are very strict and I just doubt my ex's brother would be so into the idea of Sue calling me. I'll find out in a few more days (next time I can make it to my parents).
UPDATE: I went to my parents, and THEY DON'T HAVE HER NUMBER! So after getting on mom's facebook, I found Sue's step-mom, messaged her about how I could contact Sue and if that's okay with them. SPOKE with the step-mom on the phone. Long story short - she and Sue's dad are divorcing. They've been separeated for over a year and there are lawsuits in addition to the divorce. It's a complete mess. Sue & Sally have been 'brainwashed' to now hate their step-mom of 14 years (whom they've always called "mom.") Their great-grandma died recenty, they've been separated from their bio dad and their step-sister (of 14 years). THey're living with their uncle until court says they can go back to their dad. NO WONDER Sue is calling me. She wants some loving and to let it all out and to cry to someone neutral ..... I don't know if she'll try to call me again, but I am SO glad y'all told me to call her back, as I think she must REALLY need me. (I live too far to go see her, even if her uncle or dad allowed it). We'll work on getting ahold of her. I may have to call her aunt (my ex's sister). I found Sue on Facebook, but 'send a message' was not an option, and my mom did not want to be her friend and get into any drama it could cause. Poor poor girl. Her life in shambles with not a trusting woman to confide in. Thanks again for telling me to call her. I'll update again later if I talk to her.
How about going with the old standard..."How's my life going? Good! You know life...it's going! How's things with you"?
That usually works to deflect any need for real details...then you can move onto her life and what's been happening with her...and why she is calling.
Good Luck!
Facebook her. That way you don't have to talk directly with her and you can think before you answer any of her questions. I would be honest, but by facebook or myspace you can only tell her what you want her to know.
I suggest that instead of worrying about the "what ifs" that you call her and find out why she's calling. Perhaps block your number or call from your parent's house. First, cordially say, hello, how are you. Then listen for a few minutes. If she starts into something that sounds like drama, stop her and say you aren't a part of the family any longer and don't want to know whatever she's saying.
She may just be remembering you and how much she enjoyed being around you and the love that you showed her. She's now 14 or 15 and able to think for herself. She may miss you. She may not much like your ex's current wife and realizes how much she misses you. She may want a friendship with you without involving the rest of her family.
She's at an age when she gets to say who her friends are. She's also at an age that opens up new areas of knowledge for her. She may want a different view of life than she has with her birth family. You can be a part of her life without being a part of her family.
Then, again, she may just have a couple of questions because she looks at what happened back then differently than she looked at it back then. lol
If you want to answer her, do so, but you don't have to. You can say to her just what you said here, that you loved her but you've moved on and don't want to get involved. Be sure to word this in a caring way so that she'll feel less rejected. Be aware that she may be looking for love that she isn't feeling in her life now and because she remembers you in a loving way wants to reconnect.
You have no way of knowing why she's calling unless you call her back. I think that not calling back could be cruel because you don't know why she's calling. Call her, be cautious, but give her a chance.
You love her dearly, so why not call her?
She probably wants to talk about herself. If you don't want to share much or anything about yourself, then don't; at her age you can tell her why you don't want to talk about yourself, if you wish.
But I'm sure she would like to know that you care about her. Maybe she needs you at this moment for some reason.
Call her, and keep the conversation about her. That's what I'd do. A child wants you. Help her out.
There could be many different reasons for calling you, the only way you'll know is if you call her back. She obviously wants to talk to you about something and I doubt your ex has put her up to it. What do you say? Start with "Hi Sue, my parents told me that you had called, is eveything ok?" or "Hi Sue, it's Aunt Jess, How are you?"
I don't understand why there's secrecy regarding your current life. What's wrong with her knowing your now remarried and happy?
Pick up the phone and call her. Find out why she's contacting you and take it from there.
I don't think a return call has to equal drama. Maybe she's been thinking about you & would like to say hello & see how you are. You'll never know until you talk to her. You are in control of the amount and type of personal information you share with her. If it was me (and it's not) I'd probably give her a call.
She may need advice and you know that some girl teens can 't or won't turn to their moms. And since she knows you and you are far removed from her everyday life she may think you will have a better perspective to her problem. Call her. If you don't like what she says just say honey I am sorry but I have moved on and I only wish you well but you have to deal with your family. I def would not brush her to the side. IMO
don't push her to the side. she porberly was missing you and had good memories of you. she may have just been to young to know that it was alright for her to still love and want a relationship with you. call her or meet up with her and let her know you feel. just say i would love to still be in your life and i still love you but i would like to keep my business just as that MY BUSINESS. what we talk about is between me and you. and if she can respect that continue with her in your life. good luck
I was a kid who had my own address book - and I used the same one funtil I was in my 20s, so I would still have had a phone #. I recall writing to an uncle (married to my Dad's sister) after they divorced and was sad that I never heard back from him. I'd known him all my life and, to me, as a young person, there was no real difference in "family by blood" and "family by marriage". If someone had been "family" for as long, or almost as long, as I could remember, the love was just the same.
I understand now why I didn't hear from that uncle, but I didn't back then and I was all ready a young adult at the time. It's quite possible that she still thinks of you as family, and that no one put her up to it.
As for what to say? Well, at that age, if you are open to talking to her, she'll probably want to talk about HER life, not yours! : ) BUT, if it feels uncomfortable to talk with her, you could try telling her that you love her, but that since you and "Joe" split up, it's probably best if you don't keep in touch.
It may not be drama. She may just be one of those types who don't like to lose people they loved. (My xmas list has 250 people on it, because I don't like to lose touch either.)
It's also possible she is reaching out to the only adult she remembers fondly (if she hasn't seen you in 4 years, you haven't been around to be a disciplinary force, so she may have you on a pedestal).
I had something similar happen to me when my out-of-state-cousin's daughters contacted me out of the blue a few years ago. One has continued to be a friend. The other got mad at me when I agreed with the adults in her life and hasn't spoken to me since. It really could go either way.
Or it's possible she really needs a friend right now. Without talking to her, there's no way to know.
If you don't want to call her back, you might just tell her that you're on Facebook, or whatever. That way you can limit contact and if it gets bad you can un-friend or block her. If you don't know how to set up friend-groups that you can use to limit information sharing, PM me and I'll get you the right links.
So much good luck to you, whatever you choose to do.
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I had several people ask about the Facebook Privacy stuff, so I'm going to post the links here:
Here are instructions on how to set up friend lists, and how to keep information from them:
http://journal.drfaulken.com/how-to-group-privacy-setting...
I have a group called "limited info" and when I "friend" someone -- for a game or someone I don't know well -- I make sure to add them to this group.
Here's how to use the privacy settings to use the segmented friends groups to protect your family:
http://mashable.com/2009/04/28/facebook-privacy-settings/
Here's an article called "10 Privacy Settings all Facebook Users Should Know"
http://www.allfacebook.com/2009/02/facebook-privacy/
Also, protect yourself from people tagging you (when a 'friend' 'tags' you in a photo they upload)
Settings -> Privacy -> Profile -> Photos tagged of you.:
http://img.skitch.com/20081228-dittfbuqedtp4ctgcng9u9rqmg...
You can even set it for specific groups.
It doesn't catch all photos of you uploaded though. If you have mutual friends who are tagged in a picture that you're in, the mutual friends will still see THAT picture.
http://www.allfacebook.com/2008/12/a-flaw-in-facebooks-pr...
Finally, here's a video that is especially helpful on setting up friend lists:
http://www.infusionblog.com/technology/managing-privacy-s...
Good luck!
I don't understand why you are worried about your ex finding out about your life? I also don't understand why you want closure? I am only saying this because i cannot imagine losing contact with my neices and nephews on my husbands side. If they contacted me after a divorce i would love to catch up. This does not mean that you have to speak to your ex or the family...so i can't imagine how there could be drama. I may be missing something...
I may be different ...only 2 of the 12 (nieces and nephews) were born before i came along...and they were babies. So i kind of feel like we have a right to keep in touch... no matter what happens...
maybe she needs an adult woman to talk to about boys or her body or something and she feels comfortable with you and not her parents or your ex's new wife, so she may be turning to you for advice or maybe something is going on and she needs you to listen and support her? just call her and see what she wants or needs!
My husband's brother has 2 girls and 1 boy. Let me just tell you that those children are MY nieces and nephews... I don't care what anyone says. I love them like I love my own child. If my husband and I were to ever get divorced, I would not love those children any less than I do today. Getting a divorce doesn't mean you have to shut your feelings off for these children. Were you ever a real "aunt" to these kids? Even if you didn't really care for them, this young girl is reaching out to you for some reason. She may look up to you and want to reconnect with you. I would not blow her off, as that could be pretty devastating to a young girl that age. As far as your statement about not wanting any drama, I completely understand, but why do you have to tell her anything about your life? I would just keep any details you offer short and sweet. Calling her from your parents house is also a good idea.
Good answers so far, but I would not say that you no longer want contact with her and that you have moved on. That would be hard for a teen to understand. I would try to find out why she is calling and if, in fact, it is behind her parents' backs. She is a minor. You might be able to use this to your advantage. Depending of course on why she is calling, you might be able to say that it is not a good idea to have contact without her parents knowing so you wish her well. Blaming it on that would be better than telling her you have moved on, etc.
I really don't know what advice to give you but here is my story....
My Uncle married a woman named Ann when I was about 5 years old. She had 2 children from a previous marriage. They had 2 more children after they married. It did not matter that the 2 oldest kids were not his we have always acted as if they were our blood. About 4 years after they married my Uncle and cousin her son, was killed in a car wreck. Years later my Aunt, Ann remarried again and with Ed she had another child. Do you think for one moment that we did not accept that girl as our family member. Of coarse we did even though she is no blood relation she is 100% our family and so was Ed, Ann's husband, Well then Ed passed away and Ann remarried Arlie and then I got another Uncle. It does not matter if their blood relation or by marriage they are family. So think about this when you talk with this girl if you love her like you say. You don't have to tell her where you live, about your new family etc. but at least talk with her and let her know you still care and love her and think about her.
You know the cousin I was talking about that came in to our family when my uncle married her mom? Well my mom, son, nephew and I are going to Colorado next month to visit with her and her husband. She will be family no matter how many step fathers she has in her life time. We were both 910 when her brother and my uncle died and we are now 48 and you just do not turn your back on family ..........even if they are steps their family..... :)
Because she is still a child. I would call her, be very honest as to the length of time it has taken to return her call. Here her out, then make an informed decision on how to handle her calling you. Above all else remain calm and stay honest. If she is in need of an answer to say something you taught or shown her once, great. If she is angry, do as I suggested. But she may need something that she feels pnly you can help her with. She may have a lot of respect for you. She is not going to be a child forever. We are all role models, whether we like it or not. Good luck,
You can call her but remember many phones now have phone ID, if you call, use one that has a number that she already has, (parents). Keep you call short, let her know that you are on your way someplace and just had a few minutes to give her a call back. And do not relay any information about your new life. Ask how she is doing and what her future plans are etc. Sometimes it is best not to burn all the bridges behind you
Well just b/c she 'sounded cheery' on the phone doesn't mean something's not wrong. I would just give her a quick call & see what she wants. You don't hafta reveal anything to her abt your new life but if she's just wanting 'someone to talk to' feeling that you were once close perhaps then she just may be feeling like you're the best one to talk to. If it were me, I would let her know that while you appreciate her feeling like you're a friend to her, you're no longer a part of the family & when ppl get divorced, it's best to separate from everyone & while you will definitly be civil towards her, it's just best if they remain separated. If you should happen to see her or anyone, it's not wrong to be civil or wave or go up & say 'hi' for a min if they should happen to catch you but it sounds like she's either just lonely & wants someone else to talk to she once felt close to or as you may think, being pressed to find out abt your new life on behalf of the ex. Hope this helps, good luck!
you never know, she might need you and maybe you are the only one she feels she can talk to for whatever reason. i wouldnt turn her away, just keep the conversation about her
Omg, I sooo understand wanting to keep that family out of your personal business. I feel like that with my husband's ex and people who are no longer in my life.
First of all, you don't konw what she wants, so this might not even become an issue. Secondly, you two are not peers, so how much would you really share with her? It can be pretty common knowledge if you are married with children, like your ex is; but I can see no reason to have to discuss any particular intimacies of your life with this child.
Whatever you do share, she is old enough to have explained to her that it's awkward for you because you love her but do not wish to have contact with your ex or have him in on what's happening with you. Tread lightly at first and let her figure out how to manage that. After all, she is still a minor, and her parents might take issue with the relationship, especially if you are emphasizing what looks like secrecy. She'll be an adult soon enough, and you can do more then; but right now the foundation is still being laid, continuing from when you were with her uncle.
I just read your update. I sure hope you are able to reach her. The poor thing obviously needs someone desperately right now. Surely you can find a way to be there for her without adding too much drama to your own life! Even if you don't post another update, I would personally love to get a message with an update.
