My Depression Is Affecting My Kids

Is it possible that your depression is hormone related. The same thing happened to me in my mid thirties. I could not control my feelings and drove my poor husband crazy. I was all over the place. I had no idea where it came from and why it was happening to me. I would get a physical and have some blood work done it could be hormones, thyroid, etc. they can all create depression and anxiety. However, I never let it show in front of my kids, it was difficult but I did not want them to be effected by my anxiety. It is difficult but please do your best to not share your feelings with your children. Children should not have to carry our burdens they should be able to do what children do be carefree and happy. Is it possible you could get a mothers helper in? Call your local high school and see if they can recommend someone to help you. It shouldn't cost much because you will be home, it will just be an extra pair of hands to play with the kids and give you a break. I hope you feel better soon, try to think positive, take deep breaths, take a nice hot bath, and give yourself some mommy time.

I am so sorry this is happening to you. The only thing I can think of is if you could get more help caring for them at this time? I know you can't give them all the attention you want to. Is there anyone else who could give them positive attention, while you take a break? It would be great if a relative or friend could come stay with you for a while. I know it's hard to ask, and maybe there's no one to ask. But I hope you can find some support during this tough time.

I read the other responses you received and mind is probably going to sound quite harsh. I have dealt with depression and anxiety for along time. I do take medication and it does help. I still feel 'depressed' and anxious at times but know it is up to me to "get a grip" on myself! I have and almost 4 year old son and 2-1/2 year old daughter. I will not allow them to see me unhappy. Sometimes we just have to go within ourselves and pull it together. To a point, I think saying that we are depressed is selfish; it's an excuse we tend to give to make our behavior okay. Like I said, my resonse would be harsh but it's not anything I don't tell myself!!
I wish you luck with this. It is up to you for your children to see and feel you happy.

I think acknowledging his feelings is important, as you did. I would keep checking in with him. And the point one of the moms made, about making sure he knows it's not his fault, is really important.

I think you gave a good answer. I know when I am depressed, I worry about how I affect my son, and that can make me feel worse. You sound really tuned in, so be encouraged, you are really doing a good job, even if it is a very challenging time for you.

Do you think it would give you some peace if you felt you could help your children with their own emotions? Maybe read a book about children's "emotional intelligence", or maybe such a book would give you ideas about what age-appropriate things to say to help them. I think there are counselors that can give you advice on what is helpful to say (either yours or one who specializes in children).

God Bless...I think you are on the right path.

i don't think you need to share everything with your kids. they are kids and it is too much to burden them with at a young age. I know first hand how debilitating depression can be- but what your kids need is a plan and not a focus on how to help make mom happy.- as you know depression is chemical and coping skills, neither of which kids are developed enough to understand.

you need a plan to and it sounds like you are getting the help you need...so now it's just filling in the rest...one step at a time. when you see things escalating to the point where your kids bored/acting out, etc. that's your cue....take a dance break with them- crank the music up, bake cookies with them or go for a walk- yes even outside when its 19 degrees...around the block, at a park...look for numbers, look for colors, make up rhymes. pick one thing and do it well. once you start doing that you will notice that you have the desire to pick another thing up at a different time of the day. pretty soon your son will cue into this and say- mom should we go for a walk (bake cookies/ make bread/wash fruit or have a dance break?)...and your answer- even though you may not feel like it and it may muster all your courage is "yes- that sounds like a great idea!" for this one thing, this one "go to" activity you will do it- everyday- at some point- because you deserve it, your kids deserve it.

L.,
I feel for you. I've been through several episodes of deep, dark depression myself. I think you have good advice below - let your son know it's not his fault, and nothing he did contributed to how you are feeling. Additionally, I think Wendy gives some good advice. Sometimes you just have to force yourself to get up, get going, and do things with your kids. Plaster a smile on your face even if it's the last thing you want to do. Your kids need you to interact with them. I know it's hard, but try to do it.

Incidentally, I wanted to mention that for me, it turns out that my episodes of depression were due to a major hormonal imbalance. The first time I slid into depression, I'd just started birth control pills. The second time, I was pregnant, and it got worse and worse after my daughter was born. As you know, depression is a physical condition with physical causes (it's not like you can will yourself out of depression any more than you can will a broken arm to mend, right?). Finally my OB/GYN suggested that I go off of hormonal birth control. Guess what? A few months of Zoloft to get my brain chemicals back into whack, and problem solved! I have been off of hormonal birth control and anti-depressants for several years, with NO recurrence of depression at all. I just thought I would mention that because at times I felt so hopeless and like things wouldn't get better. I was so grateful to find the answer (for me, anyway) that I thought I would mention it in case it helps you.

I hope you find something that works for you. Know that you're not alone.

I have anxiety disorder and had my share of ups and downs.
Be honest about your feelings,yes our conditions will have some effect on our kids, but they will understand .My kids are now 15,16 and 5.
We totally have a great relationship.When I had those bad moments, I always explained, how I feel and it is not their fault,I know we feel guilty about it, but don't.It is what it is, just be honest and explain,so he knows you are sad sometimes, it has nothing to do with him,tell him he makes you very happy..............
I wish you the best.................

My Mom had a difficult time like that, when we were younger.

You need to make sure, you tell your 4 year old, that it is NOT "his" fault... that you are 'sad." Otherwise he will internalize everything, and not know how to cope. Just tell him... that you are happy and love him, but you dont' feel well sometimes, and its the Doctor's job to help Mommy... NOT him.
The thing is, a child can sometimes feel "responsible" for their Mommy too. Tell him he is NOT responsible for it or for your not feeling well. But hold him tight, give him a hug, let him cuddle with you...

I would advise against telling him "Yes, Mommy is sad but I still love you and am trying to get happy again...." because this infers that your "sadness" has something to do with him or originates because of him. Tell him instead- "Mommy just does not feel good sometimes... so I see a Doctor about it and need medicine. But it is not because of you or your sister..."

He knows something is wrong, so you need to say yes, sometimes you are not well. But its okay, because the Doctor is helping you.... some days are just harder than others. But it has nothing to do with him or your other child.

Kids are perceptive and can feel things, and they do know indeed, that Mommy is not feeling well. I knew that about my Mom. I felt like the adult sometimes... and just sort of tried to act normal.

How about your Hubby?
And as the other person suggested, get some help with the kids if you can.

all the best,
Susan

Hello L.,

Depression is tough for supporting adults to manage, and as we all know, kids just don't understand.

First, it's important for you to understand that children, especially children under 5, think they are the reason for everything, including what you do. That's just how their brain works.

I suggest you put notes around the house where you and the kids gather with happy, productive, positve phrases, correction to behavior and words. It will be a visual cue for you when your kids act-up positive things you can say and easy for you to look at. It's hard for a depressed mind to come-up with positive ideas, so having the written down now helps.

Try:
"please play quietly"
"I really appreciate cooperation"
"Thanks for sharing!"
"I love you, but am not happy with your choices"

Good luck.

R. Magby