My DH and I have noticed a change in our daughter's behavior for a little over a month now. She has always been a very good little girl and doing what was expected of her without any problems. Then when I placed her back at school with her preschool teacher after a two week break(winter break), she has become another child that we do not recognize. She has always enjoyed our hugs and kisses before going to class and now pushes us away from her. She runs to her teacher and gives her a great big hug and looks at us like were don't even exist. Last week, we were told that she hit a child in her class. This is so out of character for her since she is such a non-violent child. I responded by sitting with her and explaining to her that hands are not for hitting. I had her write a note of apology to the child that she hit. Today broke the camel's back when we went to a birthday party and her teachers were there. She ran from her family and hugged her teachers and went off with her friends looking back at her teachers for approval and not us. When we went over to her to see if she wanted to play games with us and her brother, she blew us off and ran to her teachers and asked to play with them. She dragged one of her teachers around by the hand and didn't want anything to do with us.
I know many of you may think what are we doing at home with her to maybe cause this change. My daughter is in a very loving home and is doted on constantly and gets almost everything she wants. She goes to many places that most children just dream of. She enjoys wearing her nice clothes that we buy because she gets extra attention from everybody.
My question is...Is it normal to have a four year old love her teacher so much and regard her parents as though we are nothing? My DH and I are shocked at this behavior since her twin brother adores us and is even saying to his sister why are you being so mean to Mom and Dad.
We have sat down with her and asked her questions and she agrees that she hasn't been the nicest. When we asked why she just says because she wants to. Please give us ideas of what we're doing wrong, raising a daughter who is so ungrateful for what we have done for and given to her.
Thank you for taking time for your responses! I didn't mention that these problems never occurred in the home just when she was at school with me or with her friends/teachers from school. My daughter's friends in the neighborhood are sweet and kind and they're still innocent. So she doesn't do these behaviors with children from the neighborhood.
I had a heart to heart talk with her and she understands that she needs to be nice to everyone. The thing that kept coming up with my daughter was that the teachers always tell her how much they adore her clothes and made her feel special about wearing them. I understood this since I did see them yesterday looking for the tag to see what name brand she was wearing at the party. Next school year this will be resolved since she will be wearing a school uniform. She likes getting the extra attention too since she is told how smart she is by her teachers. I am an elementary school teacher and work with her when she wants to do "extra" fun work. My DH and I do discpline her and have set boundaries but may need to revisit the rules set up at home compared to school. She does like to do chores and has no problems accomplishing them since she says, "We're a family and families help out each other."
Today was my daughter's four year check-up and I discussed with her pediatrician about the situations that I am having with my daughter. She told me that this is so common for young girls nowadays and especially since she goes to daycare with children that have older siblings. She has her independence and is very proud of what she has accomplished. So this was a huge weight lifted from me.
Another common problem that my daughter discussed with me that she has a best friend that has older siblings that teach her friend how to do things that teenagers like to do. I am trying to keep my daughter as young as possible and have her watch things that are age appropriate such as Caillou, Dora, Sesame Street, etc. when she gets to watch TV which is only on the weekends. I know I can't keep her in a bubble so she doesn't have outside influences. However, I noticed that I need to discuss our values a bit more. I appreciate the responses and feel blessed that I have somewhere that I can find answers to my parenting dilemmas.
I think that she is probably doing it for attention. She seems to know it bothers you and responds accordingly. As my mother told me when my son did something like that, "they are in his life for a short time, you are his mother forever." It really helped me to keep it in perspective. I'd say really not to worry about it and don't give in when she makes these bids for attention. Kids love to push buttons! hope that helps and good luck!
She is trying her independence. Talk to the teachers about this, as they have had the experience with this age of development.
Quit doting on her, give her some responsibilities around the house, ask her to read the nightime story, help with the setting of the dinner table, so many things she can do....but one thing at a time.
Her behavior is normal for a child that age; but frustrating for parents.
Blessings
Greetings,
In my opinion, ( I have raised 3 children ages 28,26, and 16) ....and I ran a daycare home in Ca. for 10 years with children from birth to age 3......not to mention a stepson who is 30......
When children get to be around 4 and a half or 5 ish, they seem to go thru what I refer to as SYBIL syndrome. They are 'trying' on new behaviours they see in school and sometimes it seems as if the children we are raising seem like people we never met before, to the point sometime of even people we would rather NOT know belong to us .....Every child is different and your daughter is spreading her wings and her pulling away from you is her expressing her indedpendence and newfound freedoms in exploring new worlds around her. It is not uncommong for children to seem to 'adore' the main care giver of the moment....I am sure you do experience this to some degree even in your own home. If your children are with you ALL day, who is the 'favorite' when your husband finally comes home from work......NOT YOU! (ha ha) Many of my daycare parents experienced some jealousy that their children seemed to 'like' me better. I would assure them that the children even the youngest ones do still truely love their parental units and KNOW who mama and dad are...I also if in your shoes would be so grateful in this day and time for teachers that are so caring that your daughter is so happy to be with them in your absence.
As far as her not being 'grateful' and showing appreciation for all you do for her....she is a CHILD. And we as parents are their guides in this life. We don't own them and they owe us NOTHING. That my dear friend is the meaning of unconditional love. There are no strings. We give as parents, sometimes until we don't think we can give any more and we still manage to find a way, any way to provide for our precious children, their wants and needs. Cut the 'string' of expecting kudos. That is not healthy on our part as adults. If you are giving expecting something in return, it has a 'string'.....
No two children are alike. Not even 'twins'. Not every child is going to do the same thing at the same time.
I do agree aggressive behavior needs to be nipped in the bud and any behavior that doesn't 'fit' in with family values you are instilling and would like your children to learn. That is part of our job in 'socializing' our children and we also can't expect that every person, every other child our children come in contact with are being raised with the same or even closely similar values. It is our job to calmly explain and if necessary lay the law down and have consequences if they choose to continue behaviours like 'hitting' other people. Your daughter is seeing this obviously and 'trying it on'....She is learning. Not all lessons are fuzzy and warm.
It seems to me children go thru phases. When they are 2, NO is their favorite word and tantrums are the 'norm'.....at around 4 and 5 they go thru a phase of trying on what they see and experience around them in social situations. That doesn't last long and I assure you, your daughter will return to her sweet teddy bear hugging loving Mommy and Daddy self. Wait till she turns 9 and Mama is rendered RETARDED and her eyeballs start rolling at you....notice the 'gap' in my kids ages. When mine hit 10 and 12, they started the eyeball rolling and of course at that point I knew NOTHING, I wasn't done being 'adored', so I had my third child! (it is backfiring now! I am the know nothing person once again as she just turned 16!) Raising kids is a roller coaster ride but one well worth it. Be secure in the love you have for each of them. Respect their individuality. Maintain the 'boundaries' you have within your family regarding behavior expected of them and know without a doubt your daughter loves you both and her family
I hope this helps a bit.
V.
Well, it certainly sounds to me like a little girl sure of her parents' love for her. It also sounds a little like a girl whose confident character also includes taking advantage of those who love her. She might just like the extra worry she gets out of you when she sees you trying to fight for her attention of her teachers' attention. It is probably just a stage.
Kids need love from their parents. With some children, more than what is necessary causes spoiling/ungrateful attitudes. Maybe putting her in expensive clothing so that she gets extra attention is negative for her character, and your bank account. All girls are little princesses, but some don't need to know it at such a young age. I may be totally off, but my little sister grew up with way more attention and material things than my brother and I did, and she is super spoiled and ungrateful to this day. She is now 25, and my older brother and I get so upset at her for being so ungrateful and disrespectful to our mother. She has taken advantage of my parents love for her and desire to see her happy. It started when she was about your daughter's age, and we don't see an end in sight. She has an unhealthy and unrealistic desire for the finer things in life. We love her so much, but are saddened by her attitude. My parents now wish they had never given her so much.
Your little girl absolutely knows you love her. Maybe she has too much available to her.
Good luck, and I hope I have not offended you.
The issue is that she gets whatever she wants from you, why should she try to gain your attention? She is spoiled by you. Her teachers probably give her discipline and boundaries. Kids need that and they respond well to it. It makes them feel safe. It also gives them a reason to want to please you and get your attention.
You have to stop doting over her so much and give her some discipline and boundaries. Don't buy her everything she wants or she will never ever appreciate what she has. Make her earn the things that are extras. Also, when you put all the cutesie outfits on her, you are teaching her that she is better than others when she gets all that attention from people. Once in a while is fine, but back off, or you will create a monster that is way out of your control. She is not superior to others, so you should not treat her that way. She will believe it and it will only bring her and you trouble.
Her teachers probably do not give her favoritism like you do, so she doesn't have to impress them all the time. She can just be herself with them.
Instead of getting jealous, take note and make some changes. You'll be glad you did.
T.
Mom of 4, two boys and two girls
I can offer a little sympathy...when I was 5 I loved my teachers more than my parents. Especially Ms Kelly. I would cry when my mom would come pick me up from daycare because I wanted to stay with Ms Kelly. Parents had rules and made me eat my veggies etc and Ms Kelly let me do whatever I wanted and I always had her full attention. It was a phase and of course I loved my parents but she was more fun. My mom said it lasted about a month and I got over it.
not sure but maybe she feels at home her attention has to be divided with her siblings and with the teachers she gets one on one. but in all actuality teachers have to divide their attention with all the other students but maybe your daughter does not see it that way.
maybe you could talk to the teachers and see what they think, they may have had these incidents like this before. teachers see everything so they may be able to help you more.
good luck i am sure it will change she is only 4, i know it hurts. but i'd talk to the teachers.
Maybe it's time to teach her to earn everything! Start taking things away until she treats everyone nicely!!!
Sincerely,
Kathy N.
My daughter who is 3 1/2 always wants to be with her Auntie when she sees her and acts like Mommy is nowhere around,she will even wear clothes and do chores for her that she gives me a fit over! so I dont think your little one is so abnormal. Good luck!
What it sounds like to me.... and I am just an outsider looking in.... is that maybe she is enjoying the extra attention YOU are giving her behind this. When she is doing this are you trying to get her attention and asking her what is going on and maybe doting on her a little more? Little girls seem to be so emotionally smart that they can sense a feeling from you and are VERY good at manipulating :) Maybe if you try to ignore the behavior a little and encourage her being nice to you by giving her the same extra attention when she does that. Like saying something like, "You were so nice to Mommy and Daddy today.... you and Mommy are going to get ice cream just me and you because I am so proud of you."
I haven't had a chance to read the other responses so I'm sorry if I repeat something that has already been said. Here is my 2 cents, keeping in mind that I don't know you and I am only going by what you have said...
You said that you give her everything she wants and she is doted on. It's hard to step back and realize this about your own child, but is it possible that she is spoiled? At school, children are generally NOT given everything they want and generally NOT allowed to just freely do whatever they want. At school they have rules and give the children boundaries. Children THRIVE on boundaries!! When a child is never (or rarely) told no and they are waited on hand and foot and given everything they want, they may end up acting like they have a sense of entitlement and treat their parents like doormats. At 4 years old, she is old enough for a few "chores" and responsibilities. Speak with her teacher about the types of things she is expected to do at school. For example, I bet she isn't allowed to leave toys laying around at school, but at home do you just automatically clean up after her?? At lunchtime at school, does she throw her own trash away, but at home does she just walk away from her plate when she is finished and assume you will clear the table? In general, what I'm trying to say is the RESPECT you want from your daughhter is not bought by the clothes you buy her and places you take her.
It is very difficult to speculate as there is little to no information about how her teachers interact with her. In other words, it may not be anything you are doing, but rather what her teachers are doing. Not some choice your daughter is making in her behavior so much as a reaction from something her teachers do.
Could it be that they give something that you don't? Not material things. Not attention per se. Maybe there is a particular type of attention she is getting that she appreciates more right now. Rather than generic "we love you no matter what you do" type of attention, which we parents can easily fall into, perhaps they show her recognition for some specific talent or specific work she is doing at school. Let me explain what I mean....
If your daughter paints a picture and brings it to you and you tell her how wonderful it is...(even though you can't even tell what the picture is supposed to be)... your daughter can pick up on the difference between your response and someone who might show more specific interest ... instead of "how pretty".. they might respond... "oh.. tell me about your picture. Those are interesting colors. What made you want to draw THIS?". It can be very subtle, but do you see what I mean?
Again, you gave info about your daughter's behavior around them, but not their behavior around her, so it is difficult to know... maybe you could talk to them in private and ask them about it... if they have noticed her sudden intense affection for them... why they think it is... etc...
I know this is next to impossible, but I would try not to take it personally. I was a preschool teacher and I have seen a lot of kids go through a lot of phases. I used to teach really little ones. I even had one child in my class who called me mama. I don't think she was confused, she just didn't have another word for female caregiver at the time. Her mom might have been upset, or she could have been pleased that her daughter had a place to go during the day that made her so happy and comfortable. At least you know your daughter is happy with her school situation, which, as a parent, is pretty priceless.
Kids often go through a phase where they prefer one parent over the other, or one friend at school over another, or one teacher over another. She may be acting like this today, and next month she may cling to you and cry when you try to drop her off. I doubt her behavior is even related to your interaction with her.
PROBLEM # 1. and gets almost everything she wants
PROBLEM # 2. a daughter who is so ungrateful for what we have done for and given to her
Dear N. K
I hope you are well this morning. I dont mean to judge you but I think your daughter is doing this because at home she may be getting too much STUFF and getting the loving somewhere else. I also think the teacher should walk her back to you when she goes to her and tell her how much mummy and dad love her. At the age of 4 she should not be able to recognize "greatfulness" so dont take that too personal. My son is going to turn 8 in two weeks and as a single mum, I started early about getting stuff e.t.c. I made him understand money doese not come easy. I know the things he likes and what I do, when he asks for it I dont get it till he stops talking about it but when he doese not ask, I surprise him. Nowardays, he has to earn everything by doing well in school. Hide all the stuff she likes and demand respect. I sound harsh but kids are not eggs they wount break. Just sit down and remember good old grandma ways and use that it works. She will get better as she gets older, my son did. Good luck.
You mentioned you give them alot of things and take them places only children dream of, could it be that she is acting like a spoiled little girl? This could be why she is acting ungrateful.
you know it might not be anything that you have done yourself. if your son isn't having these same issues, it doesn't sound like it's anything that your doing. you know some behaviors are inherited, it's not how you raise them, it's how they are. Have you ever told her that she has hurt your feelings? I mean you can tell her that she is being mean to the 2 of you, but have you actually told her that it hurts your feelings? i know if i tell my 4yo daugther that she has hurt someones feelings she gets upset. and now i don't even have to tell her. when she is mean all a person has to do is just look at her and she will come about and say sorry a while later and behave. also if you are taking her to all these really nice places and buying her all these really nice things. stop doing it until she respects you a little more. let her brother go and get things for his good behavior, but keep her home until she learns how to behave also. i tell my daughter that there are consequences for her actions and her words that she chooses to do/say and i follow thru. i don't know how your discipline is,but i worked in daycare also, and i can tell you that a child respects and also likes a person who loves them enough to discipline (time out/toys taken away/etc.) and also consistency.
