Troublemaker Labeling in School

This doesn't make any sense. If I tried to set up a reward chart just for my kid the first week or so of school the teacher would have said no! There is no way a teacher would say he has been good or bad in front of you because it would also be in front of other kids.

Everything you have described is detrimental to self motivation. You are saying he can't be good so we must micromanage him. No educator would be a party to that, no school I know of.

So if this is real, and I have serious doubts, assume he will control himself until he doesn't and you will find that belief in him will motivate him to control himself. Act like he is always going to fail and he will prove you right.

Oh and they don't label kids troublemaker a few weeks into their kindergarten year, that is you, knock it off.

So his bad behavior is due to being spoiled by parents and grandparents. And you the parent homeschooling him will help how? You need to get the 1,2,3 magic and start following it immediately. He's not going to change his behavior if the environment around him stays the same.

1,2,3 magic is a book. Please get it and read it. It will help.

Welcome to mamapedia!!

It is NOT the schools job to raise your son and teach him right from wrong. They are there to educate him. He is disrupting the class.

He has LEARNED his behavior. He throws a fit and he gets what he wants. It's not happening in school.

You and your husband need parenting classes and get on the same page. If the grandparents are making any steps you and your husband take go backward? I'm sorry - you need to cut them off. PERIOD. Yes. I said it. They are NOT helping, they are hurting their grandson. So if they can't get on board? The visits WILL stop.

Your son needs consistency. He needs a PARENT. NOT a friend. STOP rewarding him for bad/poor behavior.

Rules. Consistency. PARENT your child.

DO NOT miss that appointment for your son. He needs to be tested. However, what I fear will happen, is you will want a pill for that instead of parenting your son. There is NO MAGIC PILL - even if your son is ADHD - he NEEDS a parent. He NEEDS consistency. HE NEEDS STRUCTURE. So don't look for a magic pill - look for solutions to your problem with your son.

Spitting on people is UNACCEPTABLE. Where did he learn that? Does he do it at home? What's his punishment when he misbehaves at home? Do you apologize to him and give him his way??

Ask your pediatrician for a referral to a family counselor. Ensure that this counselor can teach proper and EFFECTIVE parenting as well. YOU ARE THE PARENT...BE ONE!!

Ugh, is this for real? Let the school deal with his classroom behavior, and let THEM discipline him appropriately.
As far as at home, you give him sweets and toys for being good??? WTH, is he a dog?
Work with the teacher, work at home, and take some parenting classes. I'm sure within a few months time all will be better.
I don't know why you're jumping at ADD and psych evaluations, again this makes me wonder if you are for real :-(

I take offense that you "label" "only children" in your post.

"Only" children are not the only children who cause issues in a classroom and I have seen that from my 14yrs of experience in the classroom. There are plenty of spoiled brats with siblings and who have behavior charts follow them through their routine daily.

The issues you are having with your child have NOTHING to do with him being an "only child" and EVERYTHING to do with YOUR job as a parent.

You admit your parenting flaws by spoiling him.... You should have made sure he was being properly socialized and getting his social needs met by being with other children. He has to learn somewhere.... usually that is with parents taking that lead.

It is so easy to run to the Dr. and just get a diagnosis of some disorder so you feel like this is not your fault. You think is it so important to never let your child see you at a weak moment "tear on cheek"? YOU need to exhibit some normal behavior around your child.

YOU think he is academically ready for 1st grade and maybe he is (or not) but he needs to learn the basic routines of how to act in class and with others as a group. Maybe he is not ready for K.

I've been in the classroom for 14yrs. We routinely use the smiley faces for behavior in class. We have assistants who come in to help out with children like yours so the entire class is not disrupted. Sometimes the child is removed from the classroom and gets one on one study with an assistant because it is not fair to the other children when they are trying to learn.

There is nothing wrong with homeschooling IF you are knowledgeable enough to do it but to do it for the reasons you are listing will only make your child worse and continue to be unable to be around people as he grows up.

I do suggest so therapy and parenting classes so you can all work on this issue together because it is not just your son..... it is YOU and your hubby as well. It is too easy for some parents to just throw drugs at the problem without getting to the root of an issue only to find out you don't need to drug your child.

I truly hope you will get the help you need for your family and especially your child.

If your son's behavior escalated to the point where you had to go to school and physically remove him from the classroom then he is not being "labeled" as a troublemaker.... he IS causing trouble.

When is his birthday? Is he a "young" 5 and might benefit from another year before kindergarten to get his socio-emotional maturity in order?

My advice to you would be to remove YOUR emotion from the situation. Just identify the behavior and strategize a solution. This is not a failure on your part unless you don't help him change his behavior.

updates every 30 minutes on his behavior is too much, in my opinion. That says he is not ready to function independently.

I think you are now doing the right things to learn how to change behaviors (yours, his, g'parents etc) so that he can start learning how to be successfuly in a structured environment. So, make sure you stay with it, even if you don't get results right away.

ETA: "The only time he gets either sweets or toys is if the teacher tells me in front of him that he's been a good kid. "
????!!!

He's FIVE, right? You do realize that at that age PLAY IS their job, right? Play is how they learn.
I would not tie school behavior to ALL play or desserts or fun.

I had a bit of a young Shecky Green myself. It wasn't at the level you're describing though. Not labelled a 'troublemaker."
(Spitting though? That's gross and serious.)

Sit and talk to your son DAILY about authority, rules, behavior and expectations.
Clear, simple goals.
Clear consequences-/explained IN advance and consistently implemented.
Good luck!

if you are loath to show weakness in front of the principal, why don't you apply it to your child? he IS a troublemaker, and a huge PITA for all the parents who DO teach their kids appropriate behavior, and whose educational experience is being stymied by your little monster.
i do not suggest homeschooling this little fellow, despite my advocacy for homeschooling. it works best in homes where there is adequate healthy communications and boundaries, and where the kids listen to their parents.
it doesn't hurt to get him evaluated, of course, but why not start with the obvious? you and your husband have got to start parenting this little fellow effectively, and that means making sure that he understands rules, boundaries and consequences. this isn't mean. it will make his entire world, at home and at school, SO much more easy to understand and navigate.
if you're not willing to help out your school professionals by teaching your child to behave, do it for him.
khairete
S.

This is a difficult situation. Your child IS a troublemaker. Not because he is an only child (don't like that label) but because he has learned that these behaviors get him what he wants. I think the whole plan needs to be thrown out because what you are doing isn't working.

Family counseling for you and your husband will help learn how to parent your child. You need to learn what his "currency" is. Having the teacher say "oh he was a good boy" and him receiving a treat or whatever is not parenting. When your son misbehaves at home, the consequences must be immediate. When he misbehaves at school, the SCHOOL must give out the consequences.

ADD/ADHD testing is good but you still need to learn how to parent him. There is no magic pill. It is hard work and lots of tears. You are the parent, take control because right now, your 5 year old is in control.

Please read the books "Parenting With Love and Logic" and "How to Talk So Kids Will Listen, and Listen So Kids Will Talk."

Stop bribing him right now. I'm sorry, hon, but this IS a parenting problem. He is looking for attention. Real attention. As it stands, the only thing that is getting him attention is behavior....negative attention is still attention, even though he doesn't fully understand it. All these trackers are focused on negativity and his being naughty. Reward charts don't work in the long term because they are not reflective of real life.

Furthermore, your loving and acceptance of him is totally based upon "being a good boy." It's time to move away from that.

Spend 20 minutes a day with him. Just BEING with him, doing what he's doing, not running the show...just listening to him talk, not telling him how to feel or act or think. See how his behavior IMMEDIATELY changes.

I sympathise, because our son (now 12) went through rough phases in the preschool years and in second grade. Yeah, there's nothing like the feeling of shame, knowing that your kid hit another kid and having to look that parent in the face... Anyway, things DID get better, much better, after some maturing and martial arts training which has taught him self-control and more discipline.

Like the other responders, I am surprised that the school is not setting up a system where he faces immediate consequences there for misbehavior. A 5 year old will not be able to connect losing tv or play time at home with misbehavior at school hours before--or getting sweets at home because the teacher says he behaved at school hours before. You need another currency, an in-the-moment one. I also would think that having his mother come to school because he is acting out is not effective at all. That would make him think that if he wants to see you, the way to do it is to act out until you are called. Talk about getting attention and probably what he wants! Home schooling also does not sound like the answer. If there have been discipline problems at home in the past, having home become the school will compound them. Children also need to learn to function in social environments outside their family; that's part of what schooling DOES for kids in our society. I think the school needs to have a counselor do some observations and develop a set of in-school consequences which will work for him.

In my experiences with my kids and from listening to the parents of my kids' friends, young children usually cooperate more with non-family adults, not less. So something odd is going on if he has a history of acting out in school settings. It also doesn't seem to be this particular teacher or school, since you said the preschool teacher had issues with him. So, something seems to be up (in my untrained opinion!), and it's probably good you are getting some expert evaluations done. Good luck with it!

Why are they calling you to take him home? They may call you to tell you about a problem they had, but they should be working on the issue in their class. There shouldn't be a constant, every 30 minutes update from the teacher. I got a once a day report and unless it was very bad, there was no phone call. If they did call, it was to talk to me about what they did to handle it and not to tell me to bring her home. I would start with the counselor and teacher and ask for a meeting to see what can be done to help him adjust to school. And/or can he be moved to a different teacher? There were a few kids in DD's school who were shifted around due to problems in the class they started in. I would talk to the counselor and teacher about things like having a "calming card" and going to the counselor's office when he is disrupting the class. Then he needs to learn to calm himself. We gave DD a few rules, like not preventing anyone (including herself) from learning.

I would not home school him if part of the problem is his maturity and socialization. Not that homeschoolers can't be social, but you have other things on your plate and homeschooling is a big job.

I would try tips like in How to Talk or books about spirited children. I would save the rewards for really good days or he'll expect something for being good and not just be good because he should. Something I use with DD is public praise. "DD, I see you earned a point today for teamwork! That is great!"

ETA: One reason I would work within the school vs taking him home regularly is that he may realize that really bad behavior = going home. You don't want him to be throwing chairs to be at home. You need him to get it together in school (which I agree means working hard at home, too) so he stays there and he learns what he needs to learn.

To a degree, the school does need to work with him - but YOU have to support your child listening to an authority figure who isn't you.
A kid should come to school ready to learn.
A kid that's screaming and throwing tantrums (tantrums are for 2, 3 and sometimes occasionally 4 yr olds) isn't ready for the classroom.
At home, we told our son "You listen to the teacher and you follow instructions. Never mind what anyone else is doing - what the teacher wants you to do is what matters.".

Be less worried about any labels and just deal with the trouble.

My son has been through some challenging things. He was kicked out of 3 daycare's, we went through 4 different care situations when he was 4. Now things are under control. ( They felt it was a parenting issue, but really it was a food issue, once we got that figured out things are going really well)

What we did.
1. Removed all Dyes- Red Dye 40 etc.
2. Gluten- My son was getting tummy aches, and totally not listening. Removing gluten has been a huge help for him
3. We started Accupunture (needleess, no needles- he loves it)
4. Removed Fructose, Corn syrup and High Fructose Corn Syrup.
5. No direct milk, he gets cocunut or almond milk. He does get other dairy.
6. Protein snacks at intervals, to keep his blood sugar level.

All of this while school was doing their part. They had charts.. This is what I expect of you. For example. They went bowling.

1. Sit, nicely between turns
2. Hands to self
3. Roll ball nicely
4. cheer for you friends.

This is what they wanted him to do. If he was not doing these things, he would get an X .. after 3 Xs he was not allowed to bowl any more.

I have found, if I say to him. Close the door nicely as apposed to Don't slam the door. I get better results.

Remember Rome was not built in a day, this problem is not going to be resolved in a day.

Few Books
10 Days to a less defiant child
Love and logic

You might consider taking a parenting class with your husband, and that might help keep you two on the same page and it will teach you how to be come consistent.

Good luck.

It sounds like he's having a hard time adjusting to the routine and the rules of kindergarten and he is rebelling. While I think that taking away TV is good, I think taking away toys and play time is a mistake. He NEEDS time to play to have an outlet for his energy. He needs time for fun and creativity. Kindergarten is hard work now and he needs to let off steam and be a little kid when he comes home. So, I don't think the punishment of no toys is going to improve his behavior at school; on the flip side, it's more likely to make him act out and want to play there even more.

You're right to seek outside help. I don't think homeschooling is the right answer though. That would be running away from the problem, rather than solving it. His behavior needs to be corrected and he needs to learn how to be a respectful student. Keep him in school, let him play when he's at home, and continue to use the behavior chart to encourage good behavior in class.

Have a reward waiting for him if he gets a certain number of smiley faces each day. Once he can do it for a few days, extend the reward to a weekly prize, instead of a daily prize. The reward should be some form of your attention, not a physical gift or treat. Play a board game with him, take him out on a bike ride, etc. spend time with him (not saying you don't, I just mean that your positive attention will be rewarding and that a toy or gift will go back to spoiling him).

Be glad that you are working hard to fix it now so you don't have to do it when he's older.

Although this is so hard to be going through I would be glad that the "sh$t is hitting the fan" now instead of years later. See this as a wake up call and get some help for you and your son. These problems have a solution: family treatment with a focus on parenting issues. Don't pull him from school because of a rocky start. He needs the structure and chance to develop more mature behaviors.

First of all, I do not think you could home school him. Especially since you posted " Im considering home schooling him after my own school, or there are bad days where I just want to walk out."
You two would be butting heads all day.

Did he ever attend daycare? How did he behave there?
Does he play with the children in the neighborhood? How does he do with them? If he is going to someones home can he keep his hands to himself, can he use his inside voices?
When was the last time you had his hearing and eyes checked?

He may be intelligent, but he is lacking self control. Not totally unusual but he should be able to stay in his seat at school with everyone else.

He certainly should know he cannot walk out of the classroom. Does he walk out of your home without your permission?

Children thrive on schedules and structure. Do you have a good daily schedule at home on a daily basis?

He may need to be reminded about expected behaviors before each transition for a while. Be detailed. Time to get up, remember to go potty, then wash your hands and brush your teeth. Then put on your school clothes. You have 15 minutes.

Come have breakfast, you have 15 minutes until we leave for school.

In the car, remind him to listen with his ears, to raise his hand and wait for the teacher to give him permission to speak.

Remind him that you know he can follow the school and teachers rules.

Do you remind him before going to a store how he will be expected to behave? Do you reinforce this? How? Can he go to a story time and listen with his hands in his lap? What are your rules and expectations when you all are out and about in public?

Can you go anywhere with him and know he can behave properly? If he starts to fall apart, how do you handle him?

You need to know your child well enough that you can explain his behaviors.

Examples
He cannot stay seated for more than a few minutes, so I let him stand to eat the rest of his meal.

He is easily distracted if he is not told what is going to happen.

He does best if he can sit with his back up against a wall..

Whatever it is you know works for him. will help the teachers understand where he is coming from.

I promise they want him to be successful, but if he is an attention seeker, a child that is easily distracted, a child that does not have self control, This is important information they need so they can work with him.

He needs to be able to listen, to follow directions, to have some sort of attention span and be able to verbalize what he is feeling and what he needs.

Hang in there. It is a transition for him, but with all of you working together, he can be successful.

Occasionally you might have a teacher that just clashes with your child and pins a label on them. Or you might have a teacher that lacks classroom management skills. The incident you mentioned doesn't concern me (making the classmates laugh, but the spitting does and the response to correction is worrisome) It is bad for your son, but his outburst is also not fair to the other students that are there to learn. But it looks like your son's behavior has been a problem in Preschool as well. Did his preschool teachers make any recommendations to deal with his behavior and did you follow through on them? How does he behave at home and how do you discipline him and for what? Unless you change your response to his behavior, things will not get better. He needs to learn how to live in society and take direction from other adults. You might read some early childhood books for dealing with spirited children. Consistency and consequences are important in dealing with unacceptable behavior. You also need to find out what his "currency" is - either to earn privileges or to take them away for bad behavior (TV time, video time) Good luck!

Ugh, all of the judgment here! I am the parent of a now 11-year-old boy with ADHD, so I've walked a mile in your shoes. I know the troublemaker label very well. I also understand how you're self-critical.

The feedback system you're doing with the teacher is exactly what the therapist told us to do with our son. We were doing the same thing in kindergarten to know more about his day and what went well/not so well.

You're dealing with severe behavior issues. It's not always a result of being spoiled. I know we spent a lot of time beating ourselves up over our son's behavior ("Well, maybe that time I let him ..."), far more than parents of a neurotypical child would do.

You are on the right track. See what the psychiatrist has to say about the potential for ADHD. See what the psychologist and behavioral therapist have to say as far as strategies you can use to help correct the behavior, if possible (if it's ADHD, parenting strategies alone won't cut it).

Partner with the teacher. Make sure the teacher and administrators know you've booked those medical appointments and you're doing all you can on your end. Let them know how sorry you are about the behavior and ask for their ideas for what you can do as a parent.

In the end, what made the biggest change for our son was getting the diagnosis of ADHD, because we could make an appropriate game plan and meet with medical specialists regularly. Medication -- which we were reluctant to use but now advocate -- made a HUGE difference, allowing his brain to function more like other kids. Combined with behavioral therapy, our son is doing great in school now. No more aggressive behavior and hyperactivity, and more honor roll and Principal's List. Night and day.

ETA: A tip of the hat to you for being willing to bring up the issues with a doctor. There's so much social stigma associated with brain disorders right now (and people get all Tom Cruise about them), that many people try to wing it. It's good to at least rule out brain disorders as you figure out what to do.

Sigh....
I'll try not be judgemental and I apologize if I come across that way.
Being an only child has nothing to do with his behavior...take it from an only child who is a parent to another only child...neither one of us has ever behaved like that
Homeschool isn't for everybody; it requires lots of structure different than the "regular" school's structure(aka not getting sidetracked by all the distractions of home-toys, tv, the fridge,wanting to go out with neighbors kids) ..
Stop bribing him for "being a good boy"...and maybe do try just spending some sort of quiet one on one time with him; maybe chatting with him or just plain doing nothing but snuggling maybe
Take care

Don't homeschool him, that is a recipe for disaster.
First - talk to your son. Not lecture, not list rules, but talk...and listen. Make SURE there is nothing going on the classroom that you are unaware of.
Sit down with the teacher, principal, and vice principal - with your husband without your son. Discuss how they plan to address behavior problems at school. Tell them that you are having evaluations done and that you want to meet with them after that, however in the meantime you need to come up with a plan. Is there a trigger? Is it a certain time of day, a certain kid, a certain part of the routine? If so then ask them to set up a plan to work around that so the trigger doesn't get flipped. You should NOT be removing him from school, he should have to sit in the principal's office if he needs to be removed from class. At this point he has learned if I cause enough trouble I get to go home!
I will add that if your son is ADD/ADHD bringing him home and making him sit in his room is the worst thing you can do. He's been sitting all day, he needs to get the nervous energy out. Also, if he's not in sports I would highly recommend them. My 12 yo has ADD, the days he doesn't have sports or sits around too much are the days we have attitude issues. The more active he is, the calmer he is.

I had difficulties with my children, especially my duaghter, who was suspended twice in kindergarten. Once for hitting another child, and once for generally being disruptive. I'm not sure why my children are tough, my husband and I argued a lot in our early marriage, and sometime I wonder if this is the reason. Also we weren't very consistent sometimes with our parenting. Parenting is so HARD!!
Nothing helped really. Smiley faces, sticker charts, taking stuff away. Nothing helped. Homeschooling REALLY didn't help my son, he needs to see other children's behavior.
My son eventually grew out of his difficulties at around 10 years old. He just matured way slower than other children. And he is still very young socially. But he is happy, and gets good grades. He has a small class size, only 22 in his whole grade, I think that helps too.
What helps my daughter (and son too) more than anything in the world is that we were lucky to find an afterschool program that is totally different from the norm. Its kind of like a boot camp. Everything is regimented, they do karate every night for an hour, the discipline is incredible. I thought they would hate it, but they love it, so I'm thinking I just wasn't disciplined enough with my kids. But I really recommended karate, several nights a week if you can.

It really has no effect to do stuff to him at home when he's acting out at school. The school needs to intervene immediately and call you after he's been removed from the situation and they have taken steps to get him contained.

As long as they defer to you they don't take on the authority figure at school. So kiddo sees them as nothing to him and you are their boss. So he gets to do what he wants at school and gets to do it for as long as it takes for you to get there. If you don't come for 15 minutes then he's getting to have fun and act out that long. The school needs to deal with this.

He needs consequences at school not at home. Goodness, you yourself said he's not at the same level socially as the other kids. He needs immediate right then consequences and not hours later at home

Taking the TV away from him doesn't teach him to act better at school, all he sees is that you took TV away just to be mean.

Please make the school have their psychologist go into the classroom for a few days and observe him. He needs to have an intervention, I completely agree with this. To me it seems silly that the school is throwing up their hands and making you come get him. They are trained professionals and should be handling this completely different.

Kids don't need to lose playtime and after school activities for what happens at school. And NO, I don't take things away for anything that happens at school. The school handles it. In pre-K our guy had an aide that was assigned to him and a couple of other boys. The aid was supposed to stay on top of those guys and if they did something wrong they got to go sit in the hallway with their aid. The teachers aid that helped her with her other stuff took over the other boys and it worked very well.

In kindergarten our guy had an excellent teacher and he tried her a few times but he never go out of line after the first time. He didn't get to go outside for recess with his friends since he wasn't being nice to them. He really really really wanted to go play with his friends so he learned, at school. that he got consequences that effected him at school. So he started really working hard to keep his recesses. He didn't have to have an aid in kindergarten.

In first grade his teacher wasn't very interested in working with him. She told us he was going to flunk the first week of school. That she couldn't teach him so he was going to flunk. Then she proceeded to not do anything with him. He had other groups he did through out the day so he still learned those things and did well. He's in 2nd now but in an entirely different school district. They tested him and he tested to the middle of 2nd grade in reading and math, he got pulled out of class to do reading group and math groups. So even though the teacher didn't work with him he still learned enough to move up.

How the school handles this will teach him how to act at school.

Tell the teachers that you don't have a degree that is in education and you have no idea how to make him do what they want. They are the professionals and they need to figure this out. You, of course, will help in any way you can but they need to discipline him and make that leap where THEY are his boss and not you when he's in that building.

I have to admit, I don't agree with all that TF posted below, but I did also feel that you were "labeling" only children to a degree....Being an only does not mean being spoiled as a matter of course. But let's leave the spoiling out of it. Spoiled kids can behave OK in school, and kids who aren't spoiled can act out there. It's not always a direct connection between being spoiled and behaving poorly in school.

Regarding your son: Take a moment to think hard and as objectively as you can about his preschool experience. You mention only that his teachers there found him a "handful" which can mean merely normal bounciness or it can be, frankly, code for a child who is truly disruptive. Do you know for certain which it meant to his preschool teachers? Because in K he is being on the disruptive end of that scale. If his preschool did not handle him well -- if they caved to his demands, or never took away anything when he acted out, or never gave him any real consequences AT school but left it all to you at home -- it's a pity. He did not learn that he has to obey the adults at whatever "school" is. Conversely, if the preschool had better success than K is having with him -- think through what the preschool did that worked to get him to cooperate, and talk with the teacher about those strategies.

How long has school been in session? Here, we're barely into week two of school, but some systems have been in classes for five weeks. It does make a difference: If he's still in the very early days, you and the teacher and the school counselor need to meet and come up with more plans than the smiley face chart (which is a good start that isnt' really working just yet). If he's been at school a while now, it truly is past time for an all-hands meeting (including the counselor!) so do it even sooner.

Do get him evaluated. It can't hurt. Don't leap to the idea that he has a condition of some sort, any more than you should leap to the idea of homeschooling just because he's not getting on smoothly at school. Do consider that he may be immature and not yet ready for K. Another year of preschool could be what he needs - are you willing to consider that? However academically ahead you feel he is, if he lacks the maturity for K a few months from now, it may be time to return him to preschool (in a good, solid "pre-K" program) and try again for K next year.

It is far better to have a kid wait a year to start K, or even repeat K, than to advance a child who is not ready for the classroom setting and for listening to and obeying the adults who are not mom or dad, all day, every day. While it IS too early just now to make that call, I would suggest being open to the idea that he might need to return to preschool and wait until next fall for K, if he can't cope with the classroom setting by a certain point this fall. This is where the school counselor and classroom teacher can help you a lot if you can be objective and not defensive with them -- ask them what they, in their experience with kids, honestly think.

Our friends' son was bright but not ready for K -- and the school wanted him to repeat it. The issue was not academics but his ability to organize himself and deal with the classroom. His parents insisted he be moved on to first grade "because he's so smart he'll be bored repeating K." But it took until about fourth grade for him to start liking school and not being stressed by the fact he just wasn't socially ready or ready in terms of maturity. I wish he'd started K a year later, or just repeated it, and he would have had much better early elementary years.