My Daughter Is Acting Out and I Dont Know What to Do!

Sounds like normal behavior for a 2 year old especially considering everything. I would try and have her Dad talk to her over the phone about listening to mommy. Also I would try and spend more one on one time with her whenever possible. 2 1/2 can be a trying time for parenting even without everything else you are going through. Just be patient and consistent whatever you decide to do. And remind her that daddy and mommy love her!

Rochelle

Probably the last thing you have time for is a book to read, but I really like How to Listen so Your Child Will Talk and Talk so Your Child Will Listen. It sounds like your daughter is feeling a little left out -- her dad is gone, you have a newborn to take care of, and she's not getting as much attention as she once did and needs reassurance. Even though she's still quite young, it might help to acknowledge and affirm her emotions, which may help prevent future outbursts, rather than simply punishing the outbursts after they've happened (though or course, realistically, you may need to do a bit of both).

So, for example, "You're trying to run away to Texas, you must really miss your dad." (The book also goes through some follow up techniques -- for example, she might say she wants him back right now, and you'd acknowledge that too, "I know, I wish he could come back right now too. If I could, I'd bring him home for you.")

It also goes into different ways to try to change your child's behavior when they are misbehaving that might work better than Time Out in a situation like this (e.g., can you prevent bad behavior by involving her more, maybe you find ways to have her "help" you with the new baby, etc.) It's a little hard to explain in email but it might be worth a quick skim of the book (it's a fast read).

Good luck. I really feel for you. What a hard situation.

I feel for you. I know this has to be hard on you and especially on your little girl. She has had a LOT of things new happen in the past few months and being left with family and not having that time with you and her daddy probably made it much harder. She probably feels a resentment toward you and the baby because of the way things happened.

She needs extra assurance of your love. Spend a lot of time with her one on one when the baby is sleeping and include her in the things you do when the baby is awake. It takes time for a child her age to adjust to the changes that have happened and forget the things she just went through. She wants to feel and be included, not feel that the baby is more important than her. Good luck!

Make it a GREAT day!

S.

While my situation was not as intense as yours, I feel your pain. My daughters were 3 1/2 and 23 months when we went to live with my parents because I was on bedrest with my son and my husband couldn't help much due to his work schedule. I ended up having my son at 36 weeks with no complications for either he or I and we came home to our own house about 5 days later. I really have noticed the acting out with my 3 year old more so than my 2 year old but, as I said, I feel your pain. I just wanted to let you know that 8 weeks later things are settling down. Please be gentle with yourself and don't try to be Supermom. You've got an awfully lot on your plate not to mention just dealing with normal post-partum issues. If you have anyone to ask for help, humble yourself and do so. It has been the only thing that has saved me. I've found some truly wonderful friends in the process. I found that trying to spend one on one time with my daughter was helpful. But mostly what helped was just the stability that comes with time. My best to you. Go easy on yourself. It sounds like you're doing a great job!

hi, C.,
first, it is completely normal for kids this age to act up - terrible twos, remember? I'm sure you've heard of it?? Doesn't make it easier to deal with, I know. Plus you have the extra stress of the military separation and the preemie. So the best answer is to get help. Go to the family service center on your base - nearly all of them have parenting classes or other kinds of parenting supports. There will be support groups for you as a single mom of a service family. There are lots of services available - I know because I've been involved in developing marriage education programs for the military in the past. I'm also mom of a 24 week preemie and that's a big issue all by itself - so find support services for families of preemies at www.nichcy.org, and click on your state, and at www.preemie-l.org for an online listserv for parents of young preemies.

take care, S.

Wow. What Regina said is right on. What a great heartfelt and helpful response. I would just add to be consistent with all you do with your daughter; at 2 & 1/2, they need (and want!) to know the limits are the same every time. Spending time with my daughter and talking to her about her feelings (they get more at 2 than we think) really helped her. She was 2 years and 2 months when we brought my son home, and experienced a lot of the same feelings your daughter is, I think. Again, I would just echo what Regina said.
Hang in there and email us if you need us!
S.

C.,

You and your family are going through big changes right now, with a new baby and a deployed husband, so everyone is going to be stressed. Your daughter's behavior will get better when things settle down a little bit into a routine. Try and have her day a predictable schedule every day.

Try and give yourself a break from your kids at least once a week to relax. The more relaxed you are, the more relaxed your kid will be and the less naughty. It sounds like she is being naughty for attention and because her life feels out of control, so a schedule would help, with choices in there of what to wear, what to eat, etc.

Things will get better. Your little baby will grow out of the reflux and be less clingy, you will get used to your husband being gone, your daughter will get used to him being gone, and you all just need a big hug right now.

Take care,
Marci

I feel for you. I've been there, but my daughter was 5 when I had my oldest son. My husband left town for a month afterwards, but came home on weekends if weather permited. I've had another son since, and my husband travels alot, sometimes at the last moment and he wont be home for weeks. But the one thing that I learned helped me with both my kids, with my daughter when my first son was born. Was to try and make time just for her, I know its hard to find a sitter, but when your son is sleeping, sit and read a book with her, play house, anything she wants to do, while he sleeps, and keep reminding her, you love her no matter what. I know she is young, but you may also want to try and talk with her, about her feelings. that worked for both my kids. As my first son got use to having me to himself becuase his sister has been in school since before he was born. With my oldest son, he is a sports freak, so when I'm feeding his baby brother, if there is a game on, even tho I'm not into sports I'll watch a game with him. Or we will watch a movie, those are just some ideas. I wish you alot of luck, I know its hard. Just hang in there.

I can't relate to your experience completely. However I have a 2 1/2 year old girl and a 16 mo old son. The behavior you describe sounds A LOT like my little girl recently. Don't blame yourself - you are doing the best you can in a very challenging and stressful situation. Much of her behavior may be due to her age and the natural development at this age where they assert their independence. To give her a sense of control and independence for her age, give her some reasonable choices... ie. do you want to wear the blue or pink PJs? do you want to get dressed now or after we read a book? Also, involve her as you can in helping. My daughter responded well when I would give her little jobs and the praise her. For example, I'd have her put the tissue in the trash, or feed the dog. I praised her for doing such a big girl job and being my "best helper". Then when you do have to tell her NO or redirect her when she's not behaviing, she will be more likely to listen. As hard as it is, be easier on yourself and her - sounds like a tough time for all - it will get better!

Honey, I'm sorry.

K. First, remember this little girl's world has imploded and she's very sad, scared, and angry. (I always think understanding the issue makes it easier to cope and think straight.)

She needs specific time for HER with YOU. The plain and simple truth is that NO ONE can ever take your place...makes things hard at times but there's just no getting around it.

So, when it's time for feeding baby, have her come sit by you and "help", when it's time for changing the diaper have her hand you the wet wipes, when it's time for nap go in an sing her to sleep while your holding baby instead of sending her to the bed, get a picture book and fill it with pictures of Daddy and pictures of her with Daddy that she can look at anytime...ANY,...basically just have her be your shadow with it comes to taking care of baby...tell "we" need to take care of "our" baby...or "YOUR" baby brother...let her hold him on the couch beside you with our arm around her back BARELY touching her so she thinks she's doing it all by herself--making sure she understands Mommy must sit beside her when she holds baby--she'll only want to do that for a very few minutes. Whenever the wee one is asleep, grab her and hug her, cuddle her, lay by her, take her into the kitchen for a snack, tickle her in another room...STEAL moments with her.

I want to suggest that time OUT doesn't "work" for you because it's the OUT she's responding to...she already feels like she's in time out--a BIG time out, and she's unhappy...and scared.

You may, instead, want to respond to the big problem when she's acting out rather than the symptom and hold her when she's out of control sympathizing with her that this is sad and hard and unfair but that Mommy and Daddy LOOOOOOOVE her sOOOOOOOO very, very much then get the pictures of Daddy to look at and/or suggest coloring Daddy a picture.

The other thing is that we tend to talk tooooo much. So many of us warn and warn and warn...yell, yell, yell, but don't actually invest ourselves into what we're saying, so our wee ones do not take us serious because, well, we're not taking ourselves serious. More action is required. If you tell her something and she chooses not to, instead of yelling/scolding simply get up and see that she does it while YOU model pleasant in control behavior. It'll be a challenge at first because you're feeling overwhelmed, but unfortunately THAT is a very big portion of the problem. I know, I understand...we're military, too, and we have a LOT of children...it's SO easy to be overwhelmed and allow things to go until I blow, but then, that's MY dis-function, not the children and I have to take responsibility for that cause I'm the leader, if I'm out of control how can I expect the followers not to be???

Hugs to you Mommy. This too shall pass. (yeah, I hated that saying when I was 22, too) :o)

I wish you all the best -- I can't imagine how difficult things must be.

My recommendation is NOT a quick fix, but it IS a long-term solution for parenting that will ultimately have your child grow up responsible, but let her know that you are the one in charge.

I love the book "Love and Logic Magic for Early Childhood: Practical Parenting from Birth to Six Years." It is discipline with consequences, not punishment, and correction with love instead of yelling. It is a quick read and is available through Amazon used for as little as $15. Do your family and your mental wellbeing a favor and buy the book and implement little by little. If you need further support or a fast information download, there are Love and Logic classes out there.

Take care of yourself!

This too shall pass.

Enjoy the time you have one on one with her. Read books, play house.

Have mommy daughter dates when the sitter takes care of the baby. Especially with dad gone,it will give you a break too.
Even if it is just for 20 minutes going to the park just the two of you.

Help her write emails to dad.

Also take time to enjoy holding the preemie. Just listen to quiet music and rock him.

Try to take a few minuites for your self. I am glad you are able to go online and talk to others.:)

S.
nanny for past ten years
mother to Kai
www.HomeWithKai.com

You have a lot on your plate! Hang in there and don't be hard on yourself. Why does your daughter need to tell you no? Transitions? Maybe it would help to just take it easy; don't try to do too much in a day right now. One thing that might work to add in, however . . . She's not too young for informal playdates, esp. someone else's house where she can get in a new environment and where you can stay and have another grown up to talk with. Also, if you have to be somewhere at a specific time (e.g., drs appt) give yourself a big lead time. Better to be 20 minutes early and look for ants and birds in the parking lot than have to rush her in kicking and screaming b/c she wasn't ready to transition.

Do yourself a BIG favor and get some exercise (even 30 minutes) 5 days a week. I promise it will help with your energy levels (after the first couple weeks) and you need it! Find a gym w/ babysitting or a girlfriend to trade with for a short time, even if you meet at the park and you each just jog for 20 minutes. Sounds silly but I'm SERIOUS!

Have you been able to video conference with dad? I think its possible for deployed troops, and you may be able to reinforce her positive behavior w/ him (DD was SUCH a good helper today, etc.).

Hi C.,

You have your hands full! Sometimes things are so close to us and we are tired and stressed it's hard to see how to handle a situation. We had someone come in a observe and give us ideas how to deal with sistuations. It was amazing each time! I always thought, how come I couldn't come up with that!? We called Amanda, she is AWESOME! Here's her website, she is a doula also, hence the name
http://www.houseofdoula.com/Main.html
Good luck!
L.

Loved Regina's insights. I would like to second her reference to having your daughter shadow your every move when it comes to taking care of baby. My dd was 2.5 when my son was born and from the time we found out we were pregnant, we always referred to the fact that "WE" were having a baby, etc. We always used the collective possesive pronouns to instill in her that she was just as much a part of this new life in our family as my husband and I were. We let her hold him often and even displayed pictures of her holding him in her room and on the fridge. She has always felt she was an important part of his little life, and now at 4 and 2 years they are absolutely best friends. I know it is more difficult to deal with letting her "help" because of his health issues -- my dd had severe reflux until she was 7 months old, so I've been down that road, too. Just keep doing your best to make her feel important and stress what a special job it is to be a big sister.

And definitely plug into those assistance resources through your service branch, too. Mommies can't "mommy" very effectively if they don't have time to decompress now and then -- it is more than okay to ask for help, it is essential!!

Here's a link to some great suggestions to help you deal with the reflux issue in case you're interested:

http://infantrefluxdisease.com/infant_acid_reflux/index.p...

FYI: You'll read suggestions on how to prop up your child in the crib which we eventually did (used the "horseshoe" method under her crib sheet). However, my little girl slept beautifully in her swing the first four months of her life. It wasn't turned on, of course, but it kept her positioned perfectly to sleep comfortably and prevent episodes.

Good luck to you!

deployments are hard. and you started yours with stress already on your plate. YOu didn't say which branch of military so I can't completely express the names of the services available to you BUT every branch has rescources in place to help the spouse who is still at home. some kind of family support network, and they offer give parents a break or another form of that--for the parents at home to get free babysitting. find out what resources are available to you and utilize them. you can also have a nurse come to your home for free to help out with baby stuff...look into that as well. I know we could have done that with my dd when she came home but I didn't need to utilize it.
one thing that has helped us with deployments is to have my dh make a build a bear (any animal) and record his voice and a message of love for her so that she can carry those around and have "daddy" with her.
also recordings of him reading her favorite bedtime stories have helped if he could do that and send or email to you.
whether online or in your community try to get a support group with other military moms. you need the connection as well.
hang in there sweetie. it's hard to give a lot of consistency to our kids when daddy leaves so much but we do the best we can and take it one day at a time. we have a deployment coming up soon too. #4 in the past 6 years. I think that when my daughter was 2 last time was our hardest deployment. this time she is 3 I am hoping it is better because her understanding is a little more mature. and we've traveled some since Daddy was home and I think she is starting to understand the concept of leave and come back better.
hugs.

Wow I can imagine she is having a hard time right now, those are all major events in anyone's life much less a two year old! Let me tell you as a seasoned mom time out is useless, it just won't work in the long haul. I highly recomend Love Nd Logic, you can get the books from the library, you need some tools in your tool box because you have alot on your plate. If you left her with someone else and then "visited" her and now she is back with you, confusing and scary! She is trying to get some control here because thingsa re still a little different from all of the changes!She needs some attention from you! Just sit with her and read and draw and color, play dress up! Correct me if I am wrong but won't your husband get hazard pay once he goes overseas? So don't worry about finances right now, let him take care of it and you take care of those kids! Try the love and logic, it's all about giving them lots of choices on little thing's that don't matter, like take a bath and read story's or read story's than take a bath. DO you want to get dressed in your room or in the bathroom. Give her some control you don't need! And avoid power struggles at all costs! good luck, one day at a time!