My Daughter and I Have Been Searching for Her Bio Father for 30 Years Through An

I think it was very presumptuous of you and your daughter to put this on the aunt's back. Like someone else said.. she owes you nothing and this is not about her.

Also keep in mind that bio dad may not want to be found.. like many bio parents when an adopted child is looking for them. You must respect his wishes as well.

Your story is confusing about not knowing who bio dad is. Did he not pay child support? Maybe he is wondering what you want from him after all these years.. I know I'd be skeptical.

Three months is not that long. Take action yourself vs trying to put the dirty work on a suspected Aunt.

Don't be surprised or hurt if he has no interest or is happy in a new life. RESPECT his wishes.

you don't have much recourse than to explore other avenues, do you?

did you all really contact this woman and tell her that she should have her brothers go get tested for DNA? i sure hope you weren't that pushy.

a three month silence indicates either lack of interest, or shock at being accosted.

i think a follow-up note that indicates nothing more than delight in having potentially found family might help. might not.

but if they're not interested, or your approach has been too overbearing, you cannot or at least should not force yourself on them.
khairete
S.

Well its not her responsibility to get her brothers test, is it? That would be on them. Perhaps Bio dad doesn't want anything to do with this? He has that right. Just because ya'll want this information doesn't mean he has to do it.

Why not have your daughter contact them directly. Why would there need to be a DNA test of two brothers? Was this an adoption? Or did you sleep with two brothers and get pregnant and don't know which is the dad? I'm confused. Regardless, this might not be the happy ever after your daughter might be looking for.

I think three months, in the grand scheme of things, is not that long.

Keep in mind, she's placed the aunt in a very awkward and stressful position. This woman really has no connection to your daughter at this point - and now has to carefully pass along this information to her brother's family. Who knows what the dynamic is there. It could cause upset, etc. It's a tricky position to be put in.

My friend found out she had a half sibling when she was an adult. It was not an easy process - that's all I will say. I think you really need to understand what you're expectations are. In the end, while she's happy to know her half sibling, it has been very trying and stressful at times. There have been a lot of mixed feelings on both sides.

Regardless - it takes a long time to process these emotions - so your daughter must recognize and respect this. She's had years (30) to know how she feels. Her father's family may not even be aware she exists.

I would proceed with caution and word any further communication very carefully. Keep in mind the aunt may not want to be in the middle of this situation. She may not even be close to her brother. Many things to consider.

Do you ever visit your hometown? Sometimes doing things in person can be far more effective. Best to you - I hope your daughter finds her father - but I do think asking for DNA testing of brothers may be a bit much going in. I would reach out for contact with the father first (my opinion).

Your post is very confusing and does not have enough information. Are you your daughter's bio mom! If so, do you not have an idea who he might be? Perhaps you are able to identify these two men as possibilities because you know the father's name? Why are you focused on them alone.

Do you know the aunt or you think she's an aunt because of ancestry.com? Have you sent this message to a stranger? How do you know she received the message?

Why haven't you or your daughter contacted the two men directly? Why do you think they're half-brothers? If I were possibly a half-sibling, like you think these men are, I would not take a DNA test based on a stranger's request. I would expect to be shown a history showing why you think I am a sibling.

Brings up another question. Do you think they are full siblings? If so why?

Does your daughter have a copy of her birth certificate? If not, she needs to apply for one from the state in which she was born. She can apply on the Internet. Has she talked with the hospital asking if they have more information. They may not because of the length of time. Does she know her birth father's name. Did he sign away his parental rights? If so, there may be a file with that information.

Have you talked with a professional person about how to search for her father. There are people who will help you search. If you have good reason and not just a hope that these are her brothers I suggest the next step is to talk with an attorney about what you can do.

I wonder what you and your daughter have tried for the last 30 years? The longer one waits to do research the more difficult it will be. Have either one of your searched through newspapers near the time and in the area in which she was born? What are the circumstances around her birth? Might there be a birth announcement in the newspaper? Who were her mother's friends and relatives at that time? Have either of you talked with them? Follow up mail with a phone call.

I have a friend who was given to an unrelated couple immediately after birth. She was norn in a small community. She learned the circumstances of her birth by talking to the doctor or perhaps a nurse who attended her birth. When and where was your daughter born? Is it possible someone who might have been around then to be alive and willing to answer her questions?

I feel that there is much more to your story that is crucial to know what might help.

I reread your post and am more confused. Are these 2 men her aunt's brothers or possibly your daughter's brothers or one may be her father? Is the aunt your or her mother's aunt or her aunt? Do you know that one of these brothers is likely to be her father?

If you know any of the people involved then be more direct and actually talk with them instead of beating around the bush.

It sounds like you tried to contact the aunt through ancestry.com. I've never been to that website. Do you know that she uses it? Do you know that she would receive the message? Maybe you do or you wouldn't have been able to send it.

I few years ago a cousin of mine contacted my mom. My mom's sister had placed her for adoption more than 40 years ago. My mom contacted my aunt, and they were reunited. It's actually a wonderful story! But this cousin called my mom. She didn't try to contact her via email or facebook or any other website. She called her.

I think you will have more success if you reach out personally. Make a phone call. If you don't know her phone number, write a letter. A letter would be much more personal. You could even include your phone number. If you are able to, let her know that you'd like to visit. Ask her if you can take her out of coffee or something.

If you want a response, you're going to have to do so much more than just send a message through a website.

Also, what do you need the DNA test for? You might not choose to share that here, but if you are trying to get a DNA test, the person you're asking might like to know why. Some people would really see that as something personal. I mean, if someone were asking me for a sample of my DNA, I'd like to know why.

I like the others am confused. Ancestry.com has only been around 25 years (Yes I looked it up) So there is not way it can be 30 years she's been looking for him through it. Have you thought of the possibility that her brothers may no longer be living or she might not be in contact with them. Or she might not want to turn their lives upside down. Why don't you take a vacation to your hometown and see what you can find out yourselves. Don't expect her to do this for you. She herself owes you nothing.

Why doesn't your daughter ask the brothers herself about taking a paternity test?
Asking the aunt is asking the wrong person.
She may not want to get involved - maybe she didn't pass the message on.
Or maybe she did and the brothers are not interested in taking the test.

While it's fine to learn about family history from a medical standpoint - some people might be worried that she's looking for more - like back child support or inheritance - and that suspicion might keep people from cooperating with the request.
Sometimes there are no answers and your daughter might have to accept that she's come to a dead end in her quest.

Additional:
It could be she's been looking for a long time but only recently starting using Ancestry.com
If could also be an adoptive mom who is helping her daughter look for her bio family - because the bio mom would know who she was having sex with 30 years ago.
If it's a case of narrowing it down between 2 brothers - additional testing might be needed to get the level of detail needed to distinguish between them.

As for ancestry, I go on there maybe once a month, maybe less. It's so messed up since their last update that I've pretty much given up on it.

I think she could find them, physically, and tell them "I think I'm your sister". Then see if they have any interests.

Sometimes people just don't care but other times they are happy and welcoming.