My College Days Boyfriend Is Ill with Advanced cancer...Reach Out?

I wouldn't reach out to him. It would be different if he has some contact with you but, seems he has not. That is my two cents worth.

If you have his address, maybe just send a card letting him and his family know that you're praying for them. I think it would be a little inappropriate to wax sentimental, but my experience has been that everyone with cancer (and their family) has appreciated knowing that people care. You could even make a donation to the American Cancer Society in his honor, and let him know it's just a small token of how much he's meant in your life. Something like that?

My childhood friend passed away about 4 years ago. He was a very much a bother to me all through grade, middle and highschool. We both went our seperate lives after highschool with an maybe yearly or longer phone calls. He died quickly in an accident and I was not able to make it to his funeral because I was preggo and weeks away from my due date. I say all this because I have an emptiness that I will carry with me forever. Reach out to them, even if its a simple - "We heard and we care!" It will mean so much to the both of you. I am sure he has other friends coming out for him.

I think it would be a beautiful thing to let this person know he impacted your life in a positive way, and that he and his family are in your prayers now. I think that a beautiful letter with a picture of you with your family would be appropriate.

I am wondering, did you part on good terms?

My experience with people that have illnesses ecspecially ones that become fatal, the person looks for people to reach out. It could be very healing for you and for him to see or even have a simple note written just to let him know that you care and your happy he touched your heart. It would be good for his soul. And probably yours also. I would do it. You may be married but this isn't like your going out of your way to reconnect in a hurtful way. I think it's a good reason to connect with him.

Hi,

My husband is also ill with cancer and he recieved a letter from a previous girlfriend which I thought was very sweet. Although, we are very happily married he was touched by her letter and so was I. I think it would be very sweet of you to say the things you want to say. Every prayer and kind action really does help.

I hope it goes well.

Oh, J., I'm so sorry this is happening to your friend. My strong suggestion is sit down w/ your husband and tell him exactly what you wrote --- ( maybe even show him this message - as you expressed yourself beautifully).

As long as he is comfortable--- your friend and his wife need all the support they can have.

I'm 30 years older than you-- and 3 years ago - I '''' accompanied''' my best girl-friend of 30 years --- through her last illness. The people who spoke up and said ''' I'm praying for you- and you are in my thoughts''' -- I'm sorry to say the # was small--- and oh, it is so hurtful to ask yourself ( as I saw Jeannie asking) '''doesn't anyone care???

Your friend and his wife need to hear from you with their ears and their eyes --

Blessings,
J.
aka- Old Mom

Hi J.: I think it is so sweet of you to think of him and want to reach out. As a breast cancer survivor myself, I cannot express enough how wonderful it was to receive the support of my family and friends...even friends from my past. I think it would mean a lot to him to know he & his family have your support. I absolutely think you should reach out to him. Good luck.

I think a card is the best way to handle it. It's great that you would like to let him know. I don't think verbal contact is good unless he contacts you. It just elleviates the wife/family issues that might occur. He is dealing with enough. Prayer is extremly powerful!

Examine your motives carefully. Keep everything clear and open with your husband and his wife. And then there is nothing wrong with communicating with him and sending him healing thoughts. But examine your motives carefully.

I think it would be absolutely fine for you to reach out to say the message you stated in your post. It is really kind and loving, and you don't have other motivations for it. You can extend yourself and give him the option of getting back in touch if he wishes. I will wish him health and happiness. :)

Of course reach out.

Even if he wasn't dieing...I've gotten to meet some very amazing people that way(exes of my husband and their spouses and kids...as well as some of my exes and THEIR spouses and kids). As long as no one's looking for a date, what's the problem?

You should make contact. If he passes away and you don't, how will you feel? There may not be a chance to say what you want to say if you don't do it now. It sounds like you two had a meanful relationship when you were young and those relationships really do stay with you in a way forever. If I was his wife I wouldn't be upset about you making contact, I would think it was great and if your husband has a problem with it then he is being too selfish. Hopefully he'll understand.

When I was fairly young my dad died from cancer. Most of my friends had never dealt with death or a serious illness. I really appreciated the ones that took the time and effort to let me know they were thinking of me and I know my dad appreciated all of the kind words, letters, calls that he got even if it was hard at the same time. People often feel uncomfortable when someone is very ill and end up doing or saying nothing but I think that is a mistake.

There is nothing wrong with reaching out and sending a card to him AND his loved ones.
When my husband had cancer the WORST people asked personal questions, wasting our precious time and tried to give our kids advice. It was like they wanted to witness drama and pain.The kids need to be kids even IF Daddy is going to die.

The best people sent gift cards for grocery stores or came over and mowed the lawn, washed the car, helped with homework and dog walking.The patient has help, the family loses a functioning member if only for awhile.

So yes as long as your sincere....because I do remember the "Drama queens" and so do our children.

It is my opinion that to reach out to share your message with him, is thoughtful and genuine. Most people want to know they made a positive difference in someone's life, and I am sure he'd appreciate knowing that from you, and that you are praying for him. However, talk to your husband about it first, so that he feels included and supportive to you. As for his wife, as long as you keep your message appropriate and to the point ( no reminiscing) she shouldn't feel threatened. He is in my prayers too. I feel for his family.

Hello J.,

A few years back I had to have open heart surgery - I was so scared I would not come out of the surgery. The last thing I would have wanted is a letter from a past boy friend. There are some things that are better left in the past and in my case, boy friends are one of them. My husband is NOT a jealous person, but I don't think he enjoys meeting my old high school buddies when we run into them, accidentally. We have a life that is wonderful, full of laughter and great memories. I don't want him to ever think I've regretted any of it. If this wasn't a boyfriend, I'd think differently, but boy friends are on a different playing field when it comes to spouses and their feelings.

Just thinking of your friend's wife - what he doesn't tell her, she may make up in her own head. If it were me and I really wanted to "tell" him how he touched my life, I would write a letter and mail it with no address.

Positively sorry for your grief.

M.

I would start with sending him a card with that message on it. I'm sure he would appreciate it if you both left on good terms. That would give him the choice to respond or not and not cause tension with his wife. I don't think it's important for you to see him in person or talk on the phone. Let him choose if it goes farther. As others have said, I wouldn't mention anything in the past that will make his wife or your husband uncomfortable.

I think it would be a good to thing to send well wishes. If your husband is alright with everything, I think that it only makes sense. I would if I were you and it is not selfish. Sending good prayers and love is never selfish.

I would advise not bringing up your past, or past memories...but yes, letting him know with a short note that you are thinking about he and his family.

I've had a similar situation and it has been nice to hear from people I knew in the past, no matter how long ago, that they are thinking of me or praying for me. It's like receiving a ton of prayers in my mailbox, you can't beat that!

It is always good to hear how we have impacted someones life for the better, especially when we are feeling bad. I would send him a card with a return address so he knows you are thinking about him, and he can make the decision about whether or not to return a message back.

If I was you: I would talk w/my hubby. If he was okay with it, I'd send the note.

If I was the man's wife: I'd like to know my hubby was thought well of and prayed for.

Optional Bonus: In addition to the note to ill friend, write note to wife letting her know who I was and that I was praying for her and her husband. Could also let them both know good memories you have of him.

Also, if your husband is this type, it might be nice for him to include a note to ill friend and his wife saying he is praying for them. This shows his support of your reaching out to them and the wife is less likely to harbor any suspicious or jealous feelings.

Hope this helps. I'm praying for you and for them!

Hi J.-
I'm so sorry about your college boyfriend. A friend of mine from college passed away last year (late 30's also), and I wish I had been able to reach out to him (I didn't find out until too late.) I did get in touch with another person this year who I was close to in late high school/college, and my husband has also recently reconnected via facebook with some former girlfriends. As long as there is no flirtation involved in these re-connections, I don't see why there is a problem, or even a need to elaborate on the communication to a spouse. (Not that communication should be kept from a spouse - just that I don't think it's necessary to share all the details.)

In your case, I don't see why there should be any concern if you reach out to your friend, whether through a card, or email, especially if time is short. You are 2 people who shared a connection many years ago, and I think that contacting him to send him your love and good thoughts (or prayers) during this difficult time is completely appropriate.

Send him a get well card. Let him know you're thinking about him. I'm involved with the Lance Armstrong Foundation and part of our mantra is "There is strength in unity. Knowledge is power. Attitude is everything." Well, having friends, even old friends like you is part of that strength that will help him liveSTRONG every day. If you go their website, www.laf.org, you can find their Survivor's Manual (it may be called Guidebook, it's undergoing some changes right now). Get a copy and send it to him. There are gifts there, like liveSTRONG blankets and clothing, among other things. They're a reminder of how much we have, how much we can do, each day. You can attend an American Cancer Society "Relay for Life" event this spring, put his name on a luminary, and walk in his honor, in honor of your friendship. Take a picture and let him and his family know how much they have inspired you to make a difference, how they have made a difference in your family's lives. Get a hundred liveSTRONG bracelets and send them out to your 'mutual friends' from college, let them know what's happening with your friend, and strengthen that unity, and catch some attitude, as it is everything. People who are living with cancer want to know that they've made a difference in their lives and these acts of kindness would truly do that for your friend. Don't dwell on the downside of his cancer, but on the upside of your shared escapades in your younger lives. But honor his life with doing something positive with new knowledge of his illness, let his cancer move you to make a difference in the lives of many. Take good care!!! and thanks for being a good friend, through all the years.

What ia your husband's view about it when you talked with him about it? Have you looked at it from everyone elses point? If he is married, then he is not going through this alone. You would know about his family and how they would be helping him. If he goes to church, then they would all be helping and giving love and suport too. What is the reason that you would want to contact him, if it is to let him know that he is not alone, it doesn't sound like he is alone. My husband and I are both in contact with some of the 'dates' that we knew from way back when, but not the ones that we dated for a long time, and once had feelings for. That is our own choice that we have made as a couple, together.

You mentioned prayer. You can also pray to know what to do. Do your "homework" all the pros & cons and how others would feel and your reasoning and all that, make your best choice, then pray on that choice to know if it it the right one. If it is, then you will feel calm and good about it. If it is not the right choice that you have decided on, then you will feel un easy and unsure, not comfotable. There are so many people that are, and will be touched by this, your kids, his kids, parents, syblings...
Take care.

I personally would contact them and let them know that u are wishing them the best and they're in your thoughts and prayers.

I agree with what both Crystal & Dawn said before me.Both have great points.

Send a letter than let it go! you can still pray and send your thoughts. I believe you need closure and I think this will give it to you

Hi Jennifer,

You could have been writing about me! Except I have kept distant contact with him and he isn't dieing of cancer.

My advice, reach out. It sounds like you and him are capable of being mature adults about it. He could probably use the extra communication. See how it goes. You may be able to keep him company in the hospital for brief spells to give his family a little break. We live too distant of lives from each other. Please, let him know you are thinking of him.

K.

Hi Jennifer,
I think it is great to reach out to your old boyfriend in time of his greatest need. Just make sure your husband knows about it & you are not sharing thoughts, feelings, etc. with your old boyfriend you wouldn't share with your husband. L.

I think reaching out and connecting with him would complicate his life at a time where he needs to focus on those closest to him, it would hurt his wife and make her feel like she has to compete with you, it would confuse and possibly hurt your husband, and would surely confuse you. I totally understand your desire to support someone that meant so much to you, but unless you can somehow save him, I think you should leave the past in the past.

Life is WAY to short_,if he passes you may always have that tremendous regret that you did not tell him thank you for being a special part of the journey in your life you are both with significant others and they should support your feelings to share your thoughts

I support you and hope that old friends will be there for me in my passing just to let me know they cared and thought of me kindly.
It will be a blessing for both of you I guarantee he will be happy that you cared enough to share

Dear Jennifer;
You sound like a very caring person..However it has been quite some time since youve seen him..and now hes very ill.
Do you live in the same town? or know of any of his other friends. Do you have an adress and a phone num.You could send a card..and it wouldnt hurt to call him and his wife.
After all he was your friend, and you heard hes ill and would like to pay a visit, if hes up to it at all, or a phone call..I know, knowing hes sick..it will make you and possibly him feel better to know that you care..Im sorry about your friend.

J.,
Being someone myself who believes that we are ALL connected regardless of past, present or possible future interpersonal relationships I say contact him if for no other reason than human to human. Of course you should talk to your husband about it so that he never gets the idea you are doing anything on the sly.

I've been happily married for coming up on thirty years in December. I have many male friends, many of which I knew before I knew my husband, and he has many female friends as well. I think that one of us would lose respect for the other if we had a sick friend who was not a mutual friend between us and we didn't reach out to at least show support for our friend whether male or female.

Jealousy is an ugly thing and typically is completely unwarranted in most relationships. We do not own one another after taking our vows and having friends/acquaintances that are our own and not our spouses should never be an issue in a healthy marital relationship. I hope you will involve your husband out of respect for your relationship with him but if you don't at least send a note to let your friend know he's in your prayers or you may always regret it.

Something to think about is that NOBODY can MAKE us feel anything and the same goes for us when it comes to others. We spend a lot of time worrying about the reactions/feelings of others when making decisions about things and sometimes we should just do what our heart tells us is the right thing because we can't control how others take it, what they feel about it or how they will react to it. As long as your motive is an innocent one there shouldn't be any issue. Supporting your friend in my opinion is the right thing.

Regards,
C.