My Brothers Wife

I have a similar situation, my husbands oldest sister & I don't get a long, and haven't in the 14yrs we've been together. I felt for years she was trying to compete against me, (she almost 43 & dress' and acts like she is 20, & not married). I finally laid it out a few years ago. I told her you are his sister & always will be, I am his wife, that shouldn't be any reason to try to compete for his attention, if for some reason we get divorced, you will still be in his life. If you don't like me fine, at least treat me with the same respect you want me to give you.
Since you both have children, maybe let her know that it is important for the children to get along, and let her know that when you all have to get together, she doesn't have to go out of her way to be extra nice, at least not be negative, kids pick up on this, & would hate for them to grow up hating their cousins/family & for no reason at all. Small talk helps too, that way you can always say you tried.
Good luck & hope things work out.
M.

Bravo to you and your willingness to strengthen your relationship with your brother. I grew up an only child (until my sister came along when I was 15), but I never felt lonely because I always had cousins around. And, at 36, my cousins are still some of the most important, close, special people in my life. I thought that we were all one big happy family when I was younger, only into adulthood did I find out that our parents did not always get along (and that is an understatement)! However, in front of us kids, everyone behaved. In fact, one of my favorite people is an aunt that noone else could get along with!
My advice is simple, but by no means easy: make it your role to keep the peace. Swallow your pride when she says or does things that completely irritate or inflame you. You just have to remember that it is for the kids and your brother. And over the years you may forge a friendship and respect for one another that surpasses your greatest expectations! Also, if you believe in God, it certainly helps to pray!
Best of luck, and keep reaching out!
W.

Well, in my opinion, even if you don't like the wife, don't say anything to your brother, because you'll make him feel like he has to choose... and he will choose his wife. Just give them a call and invite them to do something. Go to public places, so you're not forced to do as much talking with the wife that way. And if your lucky, you'll discover she isn't as bad as you think. She may just be sh,y or feel that you don't like her so she feels defensive. Good luck.

You will have to make peace with the wife if you want a relationship with your brother. As a husband he has the obligation to protect his wife and family and put them first even though you are a sister. So somehow you need to bite your lip and invite them over for dinner sometime or out to the park with the kids so you can get to know her more and try to make some peace. Maybe she will see your effort and not cause any more problems. But for your brother to go behind his wifes back and not include her in your relationship is wrong and will hurt their marriage. So take the step to make peace and build that relationship you want.

R.:

I ammend you for wanting to stay close with your family. You need to think about your statement about his wife coming between the two of you. Unfortunately, we may not always connect with our in-laws usually because we have expectations of who our siblings should marry. However, we should look for positive attributes in our family members to live harmoniously. You can reconnect by getting your children together and focus on them and maybe talk about your childhood growing up together and some of the things you used to do. Chances are if you "don't like" your sister-in-law, she is feeling it. You need to build a bridge instead of create a bigger damn between the two of you. I always say, "Take the high road"-it usually pays off. Perhaps the conversations with her can be more Mother to Mother scenarios. You may see a different side of her-Women are complex beings!! If you can get together with your brother and his kids and you and yours (no spouses invited) at a neutral place-like a park or restaurant, you could get to know each other again and possibly talk about spouse situations as well. The other option might be to invite your brother/wife and kids over to your house so you have more control of your environment. Just remember that living in love is better than living in fear. Those are usually the two underlying motivators in life...
I wish you the best with this situation.

K.

My in laws INSIST that I am the reason my husband does not see them, but the HONEST truth is that he pulls away because they tend cause drama and he really doesn't like to hear their list of complaints about me.

I can't say this is the same with you situation, but consider this. How pleasant are you when you see him? How polite (despite the fact she's not your favorite person.) are you to his wife? He doesn't want to hear anything negative about his wife. She is the woman he chose to marry and it hurts him if you don't like her. It only puts a wedge between you.

On the flip side. Is there time once in awhile to just have brother sister time without her?

R.,

All I can say is good luck. My brother's wife didn't want anything to do with his side of the family. When you are in a situation like that, there really isn't much you can do - unless you have much thicker skin that I do. The only thing that helped in our case was him divorcing her. LOL

R., same as you would treat an irritating mother in law or whatever. With courtesy. Everyone deserves courtesy when you are in their presence, but especially if you need that family tie to be intact for the sake of the children. Whenever I am not sure what to do I ask myself what would be in the best interest of the kids. The kids know nothing of our personality conflicts, they want and need relationships within the family, without judgment or conflict. With this sister in law, try to focus on any remote thing you may have in commom when you have to be with her. Promoting the conflict will only make life less happy for your brother (who HAS to take his wifes side or he will pay big time) and everyone else in the family. Who knows, maybe someday this all won't seem all that important and you will actually like her. Vicky

I have a similar problem, granted its my mother in law, but I truly cannot stand her and even her breathing makes me boil. Over the six years that I have been with my husband I have learned to take it in stride and just scream/vent after I have been with her or just talked to her. Remember that your brother is all you have left after parents are gone. My mother and uncle let her new husband get in the way of their relationship and it tears my grandmother apart. They don't even speak anymore and when my grandmother passes, all they will have left is each other and they'll still be feuding. Depending on what kind of person your brother is, you might want to tell him. Get it out in the open what makes you dislike her, but at the same time let him know that you care enough for him to try and let that pass in order for family to be closer. He might even mention it to her what is bugging you and she might try to stop. If they both know that your kids playing together is more important, than things might go smoother. Family's feud all the time, but for the sake of family, we all get through it. I know my aunts (all 4 of them) are constantly feuding over something (the newest is a new husband to one) but end the end, they are siblings and will overcome. I must mention that the new husband to one aunt is not allowed to one of the other aunt's homes/functions/etc..and that has severely hurt their relationship. Just remember that he first is YOUR brother, something she doesn't have, and try to maul through whatever annoyances you might have with her. Hope I could be of some help.
-E.

You know, that's a really tough one, but you need to try. Just start by asking your brother out to lunch one day and then move on from there. Start doing holidays together. Is there a particular reason you don't like his wife? Did she do something really terrible or is it just a clash of personalities?

Hello R.

Have you read "How to Win Friends & Influence people"? by Dale Carnegie. If not, it has 3 fundamental techniques in handling people & lots more. I know this book has been around for a while but I thought it might help you with your brother's wife. In the mean time choose your battles and try not to focus on the things that you DON'T like about her, one because it will begin to consume you and two...your goal should be to overcome this obstacle, challenge, whatever you want to call it, and you will only make it harder on your self if you dwell on the negative. God says, love overcomes all things...and realize that we all fall short--try to see the best in others, change your thinking about her. Everyday commit to thinking about ONE thing that is good about her, what are her strengths? In that book I mentioned on page 13 Dale quotes, " Benjamin Franklin, tactless in his youth, became so diplomatic, so adroit at handling people, that he was made American Ambassador to France. The secret of his success? "I will speak ill of no man,"he said,"...and speak all the good I know of everybody" He goes on to say, "Any fool can criticize, condemn, and complain---and most fools do. But it takes character and self-control to be understanding and forgiving." I wish you the best and believe you will conquer this situation with understanding and forgiveness but above all with love! Take Care! Love, A.

Hi R.,

Tough situation. I would try to have a conversation with your brother about his wife. Tell him how you are feeling. Ask yourself why you guys don't get along. Do you not like each other because of personality conflicts or family issues?? Your brother is your brother, and if you cannot resolve issues with your sis in law, there is no reason you should not be able to have a relationship with your brother. You have been with your brother longer than he has been with his wife. When you are around your brother, have a relationship with him....DO NOT discuss his wife, and if the subject comes up, bite your tongue. You will also be teaching your children that you have to accept other people no matter what the situation is.....you don't have to like or love that person, but at least accept them. A great piece of advise I just learned on a show I watch: if you accept the fact that the other person is doing the best that they know how to do, there is no judgement.
Good Luck