My Best Friends Baby past Away

You have gotten fabulous advice and the only thing I can say is CRY with her. Emotions speak louder than words.

I lost a baby a few years ago. I agree with the previous poster...people said some really hurtful things, thinking they were being comforting. Our baby was born prematurely, and died shortly after birth.

The worst two things I heard was "don't worry about it, you can have another one" and for some odd reason more than one person asked "did you have to have her aborted?" I didn't get where people were coming from with that one as I delivered her and she was not a stillbirth. I was horrified anyone would assume I'd do that if I were given the option, and I resented that people assumed I could have another and easily replaced the baby I just had as though she was nothing more than a piece of clothing or a car.

I know these people probably meant well, but my hormones were raging, my milk was still coming in, I had unwarranted feelings of guilt and I was going home to an empty nursery and had to deal with packing up everything because seeing it all was very upsetting.

Time is the only thing that healed that pain...and even with time I still mourn that loss.

Your best bet is to as the previous poster said, be a good listener. Just take care of the little things that seem like little things. When you're going through something as traumatic as that it is sometimes too difficult to even think about cooking a meal, or cleaning.

Spirtual books and gifts are okay...but to be honest I still haven't read anything that I was given after my daughter's death. I did however find great solace reading heartfelt cards and letters from family and friends.

Do not hide your children from her or avoid talking about them with her. That can be hurtful too..in an insulting way as it assumes she's selfish in her own feelings. I know some women do have trouble being around babies after a loss or infertility, but I think this is rare. I personally enjoyed other babies and found great joy in be able to hold and cuddle my relatives' children.

This is really a tough thing to navigate through. I say the best approach is to be a listener and don't hesitate to sneak in a little fun to take her mind off of things too. If she can muster it, a movie or dinner out, or a walk down memory lane of some more happy days could help too.

Wow! - I can't say anything more than what has already been said. You have had great advice. Just being there will mean a lot to her. Just being there to listen... Doing the little things that are just to hard to deal with right now, will mean a lot. I am so glad to hear you are going to be there with her. Give her an extra hug from me. I'll keep her in my thoughts and prayers. My heart goes out to her.
~SR

While I was pregnant, my friend had lost her 2mo. son Ryan to SIDS. It was such a heartbreaking experience. Her husband was in Iraq when the baby was born & died so he never even got to meet him.
All you can do is be there for her. Listen to her, let her cry. Let her know that you are there for her. That's all you can do & that's all that she would expect of you.
I would just let my friend do the talking. Don't feel like you can't talk about it with her. We also got them a frame that held his picture & had a nice saying on it.
We also got a SIDS monitor that goes under the mattress when my little guy was born. It helped a little but of course I was more paranoid then the normal new mom.

My prayers are with you & her family at this difficult time. God is with her & will guide her.

Dear C.,
How wonderful that you are going there to be there for your friend. In January of 2002, my son, Cole, was born still at 7 1/2 months. Holding him, knowing he was gone, was truly a surreal experience. It just didn't seem possible that my baby was gone. I was like on this calm and weird vibe until right after his funeral. I asked everyone to leave and I then fell apart. I was emotionally a wreck and I got so ill, I was in bed for two and a half weeks.
Going there to be with her is the best thing that you can do. Just having my friends say that they loved me is what I needed to hear. Being able to just talk about all of my crazy feelings and not be judged was so important to me. I know with children of your own it does stir up the reality that things happen, but remember that your babies are just fine.
When my son died I got many things that were truly meaningful from my friends. I got some angel pictures that showed this little boy angel causing mischief, which so would be my son. I got the book, Mommy Please Don' Cry, which made me cry, but put this beautiful picture in my head.
The hardest part of having a child pass away so young or being born still is that now when I am asked how many children I have, I don't know how to answer. I normally say I have three at home. As a mother I feel guilty if I don't acknowledge him. I know that is ridiculous, but even all this time later, I feel like his mom and do things for him. Try to remember that as time goes on. I have great friends who will bring up things that remind them of my son and what he must be like and my pregnancy. I also have those who get uncomfortable that I know that don't understand.
Just try to be what she needs you to be. It already sounds like you will be.
J.

Prayer, Prayer, Prayer! That will be one of the only things that will be comforting to her and to you. I'll say a prayer for both of you tonight. God Bless. M.

My thoughts and prayers go out to you and your friend. My niece died from SIDS at 6 weeks old. It was a very hard time for everyone especially my sister. Her first child. People all handle things so different it is very hard to answer the questions you have asked. My in-laws lost a baby 34 years ago and to handle her death, they buried deep inside and do not talk about her. I feel that is not heathly, but they did what was needed to continue on without their baby girl.

I remember a few things that my sister said annoyed her, this was after awhile as my niece died in 2001. Do not tell her you understand. Do not say that the baby is in a better place. My sister used to respond "what better place for my daughter than in her moms arms". That really bothered her.

I found the best thing for me to do was keep my nieces spirit alive. She is still very much a part of our family.

Be a good listener!!!!! Sometimes my sister just wanted to call and talk about all the time she was able to spend with her daughter, sometimes she called adn was mad at the world. Just listen and do not take things to heart. Your friend is going through a lot of emotions.

Lastly, I found a poem that I gave to my sister. She loved it and it really helped her. I read that poem at my nieces funeral. If you would like me to email that poem to you, please send an email to me.

I have a changed outlook on many things now in regards to babies and such. My son was only 4 months older than my neice. It really hit home when she died.

I could go on and on about this. Feel free to email me personally if you have any specific questions. Everything is still so fresh in my mind. I can give you more ideas of things that we have done.

My thoughts and prayers go out to your friend. My first child Marissa was born still in January 2005. Although not the same situation, it irritates me when people say they understand. My family rarely talks about her which hurts me pretty badly. Keep her memory alive and let your friend know that you are there for her. Hugs to both of you.

Sadly I have had two of my close friends lose their children one of sids and the other was at birth. So I have been in your boat!!! I agree with crying with her... however the worst shock of all (according to my friends) is when everyone leaves. Remember to send the I love email or card. Check in and make sure she knows you are only a phone call away. What I learned last year was they don't want reminders they know what they lost... they need love! My friend Josh was in the service so as a gift his sister bought him a Dog Tag to wear with his daughters name on it and with a little poem. I hope this helped