My son's school had a geography bee that he just participated in and did well in. Now he wants to be in the spelling bee. The school hands out a list of 60 words that the kids study. Then the teacher gives the kids a chance to spell the preliminary words. Each class was allowed to send the 3 top scorers from that first list of 60 words. My son got a perfect score but there were two other kids that did just as well or close to it. Since our class is a 3/4 combo and only 4th graders can be in the bees, we had fewer 4th graders and can only send 2 kids to the bee from our class.
My son's teacher told him that he couldn't be in the spelling bee because he had already been in the the geography bee. She could only choose two kids so she chose the other two girls.
This would have been nice to know before we spent a week and a half studying the 60 words. He came home sobbing today, saying it wasn't fair. I asked him if he told his teacher how he felt and he hadn't so I had him call her and tell her.
This may not work out. He may not actually get to be in the spelling bee. The 'life's not fiar' saying just seems too harsh for him. Any ideas on how we can walk him through this since it is unfair.
No attacks on his teacher please. I think she just didn't plan ahead for the unlikely circumstance that three kids would all do well on the prelim test.
Not sure if I was completely clear but the spelling bee is voluntary and the kids that want to be in it study extra on their own. Then the teacher gives the preliminary test to only the kids that signed up for it and studied. Kids were told that the highest score goes to the Main Bee.
So, this would be like training for the Boston Marathin or the olympics, particiapting, winning with the highest score or tying and then being told 'sorry, you were in the olympics last time so you don't get to progress further or get a medal.'
ANYWAY, the teacher did a cool thing and asked the principal if our class could have another spot in the bee and now my son will be in the spelling bee. However, first, we had the 'life's not fair talk with him and pointed out that he learned 6 new words.
Just say, "I'm sorry, honey, it's too bad you couldn't be in the spelling bee. You studied so hard for it. But you can do it next year!"
Life ISN'T fair. This isn't something to overreact to.
Tryouts are tryouts. You don't always get IN. This is a lesson well learned while young. Studying the 60 words was good for him anyway. Using the term "life isn't fair" is not something I would subscibe to tho, it would weaken a childs expectations on life in general. You win some, you lose some, that is the better philosophy and much healthier. We are all not equal no matter how much society tries to make us believe we are.
Dear V.,
I hope you will be able to help your son see things from a positive prospective about this. "Life isn't fair" does seem harsh, but, maybe you can think of things differently. He already got to go to the geography bee. Fair also means there is such a thing as letting others have a chance. He may be feeling like he spent so much time studying those words for nothing. But, he learned to perfectly spell 60 new words. That is not a loss by any means. That is an accomplishment. He should be very proud of that. Time spent on something learned is never a waste of time. Do you truly wish his teacher had told him he couldn't be in the spelling bee in the first place and he'd never studied or participated in the preliminaries? I don't think it's good for a child to only take on a challenge if they are assured they will win because of the effort they put into something. If that were the case, there would be no such thing as people ever setting a personal goal for themselves. Finishing something, attempting something is just as important as winning when you compare it to never having tried at all. Look at the Boston Marathon. How many people enter? Thousands. There is only one person who will reach the finish line first. The odds aren't great. But, people who walk or crawl across that finish line even hours after the race has been officially "won" have conquered something magnificent. They may not be on the news or have their name in the paper, but they have a victory that can't be taken away from them.
The winter olympics are starting. Watch them with your son. There are people that have trained for hours and days and years and won't have anything to show for it but the experience. But what an experience! Will they be disappointed they didn't do better? Of course they will. But how many of us can say we even qualified?
I think your son could show some real honor and sportsmanship by wishing his classmates the best of luck in the spelling bee and offering to help them if he can. There's nothing wrong with him expressing his feelings and wishing he had been chosen, but it's not the end of the world. He still has every reason to be proud of himself.
There are more ways to shine than one.
In our house when life isn't fair and they get upset I say, yep life isn't fair. You could live in Iraq and be one of those kids Daddy saw in the hospital.
Before that I would say someting like you could live in Africa and not have any water. Then I move on.
Next year he may make it in to the spelling be.
And in the teacher's eyes she was being fair to let the other girls have a chance at something. He did get to be in the Geography Bee.
Well... life ISN'T fair. There's really nothing else you can say about it. Sure, it's disappointing, but he knows words now that he didn't know before. He would have studied the words anyway, right? It's a bummer, but life moves on.
Don't do anything. It is a good opportunity to teach about disappointment and a whole bunch of other stuff. Celebrate the hard work that he did and the self-satisfaction that can come from doing a good job. Parents spend way too much time protecting our kids from disappointment, sadness, adversity, clearing the path for them and as a result when they get to be young adults and realize that you actually have to work for stuff and that life isn't fair they can be really upset by that. A really cool thing might be for him to offer to help the girls who are participating in the bee to prepare and study and to celebrate their success.
this is a hard one! especially because he DID qualify! The district is looking for the "highest scorer"....not "being fair"....I disagree with the school's choice of how to handle it, and it is UNFAIR to your son.
But because it has already happened.........that's his lesson! Sometimes in life, no matter how hard we try, things still don't "go our way".....I would tell him that it's not the girls' fault, and the teacher is just trying to make everyone feel included.........right or wrong that's the truth.
Honestly, If it were my son, though,....I'd be trying to validate my point of the "highest scorer" wins.....tha't s the whole point of this type of contest anyway. who cares if it's the same person? it usually is anyway, because those are the students that take the extra time to excel.........I wonder if those girls worked as hard as your son did?
Just my opinion :o)
~N.
Hello V. R.
That is rough and I know your son and, obviously you, have a feeling of entitlement since he has done so well in both categories. Guess what - in life there are no entitlements regarding scholastic performance unless you are a super great sports player. And that would be a shame. Please let your child know he did nothing wrong and you are proud of him. Get over your son being First all the time, because that is too much pressure.
No reason to attack the teacher - she could only pick two so someone was going to be disappointed. I think she did the right thing since he had already gotten to be in one spelling bee. And as for the studying, it can only help that he learned 60 new words. I hate to say it, but your child is just going to have to weather the disappointment. Kids need to understand that things don't always work out the way they want them to and they need to learn to handle disappointment. You could point out that it would have been more unfair if the teacher had chosen him and he were to have been in two spelling bees while another student didn't get to be in any. He needs to understand the concept of taking his turn, waiting for his turn, and getting over disappointment when things don't seem fair. As for that word "fair", when my daughter said to me "that isn't fair" I would tell her that fair is somewhere i don't go in the summertime because it's too crowded and there is no "fair" in life. It is what it is.
First of all, kudos to you for not blaming the teacher. Being a teacher is hard enough without trying to please every student and every parent all the time (impossible!)
This is a great lesson for your son. He is certainly old enough to understand that life is not always fair, and sometimes things don't work out the way they should. Be proud of him and let him know it! Of course it's hard to see your child disappointed, but if kids are never disappointed, they never learn how to deal with it, it is an important life skill :)
I agree with the other posters. Focus on the good things that he learned - believe me, in the days of spell check, good spelling is becoming more rare! So let him know that you are really glad that he learned those words regardless of the spelling bee. He did the right thing. And learning now about how you can do the right thing but it still doesn't always work out like you wanted it to is important. He needs to learn to the right thing anyway. Enjoy the fact that he did well in both subjects. My son gets upset easily when things don't go his way, so I have had to learn to focus on the positive also and let go of things we don't have any control over. Is it easy? Of course not. I would have to say I am still learning that lesson :-). And I remember the word that I won the 3rd grade spelling bee on (barbecue) and the word that I lost when all the grade level winners competed (bicycle), LOL!
How about studying for next year? He will have another chance. =) Maybe put it in the context of letting someone get a chance to be a bee since there are so few of them. Personally I think the teacher should have figured out a better way to eliminate him but what is done is done.
There are times that life isn't fair. He learned some things in studying for the test, and now he's learning to deal with disappointment.
Yes, it would have been nice if the teacher had said beforehand that she could only send 2 children, and that children who had already participated in a bee could not go, but she didn't--and she may have had good reasons. Your job now is to help him learn how to manage disappointment.
You might want to read How to Talk so Kids Will Listen, and Listen so Kids Will Talk, by Adele Faber. She does a good job of helping parents learn how to listen to their children so the children feel as if they've been heard and understood and accepted. It's available through the Santa Clara County Library System.
We have been pretty straight forward with the Laurie Berkner song "I'm not perfect, no I'm not!" and that if my kid makes mistakes we still love her, and I make a mistake or two and.... yep! Teachers and coaches are still great even if they don't communicate perfectly every time. I have been known to say "We are all learning here!" so my kid learns some patience with adults. A lot of gifted kids have a perfectionist streak and I am hoping to re-direct some of that self-talk before it goes ugly.
So yes, this outcome is a huge disappointment, but there it is. His teacher probably feels bad about it as well.
The other thing that I try to point out to my kid is that she has a lot of activities, and needs some balance. I don't know if this will work with your son, but you could try explaining that part of the policy is to make sure he doesn't become the pushed "bee-kid" who doesn't have time for things like riding his bike or planting a garden.
I hope some of these ideas help, either way good luck!
It sounds like you have a very bright child! Your son must be an oldest or only child. Believe me this is the first of many disappointments-you can never always be the best or the most popular all of the time or in this case the one chosen. Be open to listen and stay positive on your side. If you don't know how to respond just give him a hug. My six year old I caught saying to a friend when things did go their way "It is what it is". I was also very proud of our 10 year old girl who didn't get an invite to a party this friday. After talking about it for about 20 minutes just let it roll right off her shoulders. Kids just some times need to talk and need a listener. "oh" and "wow" are a great response on your end. You don't have to have a great "Life is not far" speech ready for the kidos. Give him a hug and tell him you are proud of him-that's all he really needs.
I would spend a lot of time bragging to your son about how proud of him you are, let him know that you too are disappointed that he can't be in the spelling bee but point out to him that he already DID get to be in the Geography Bee and it is very gracious of his teacher to want to let one of the other students go to the Spelling Bee who hasn't had that opportunity. Tell him that this experience will give him a big plus for NEXT YEARS Spelling Bee tryout. Maybe you could use the list of words that he learned and start teaching him how to use them in sentences...show him that this is a learning opportunity and that he should be happy to take advantage of it.
Please give your son my congratulations...I STILL remember the word that our oldest daughter was eliminated on from a county spelling bee...about 28 years ago!!! Pioneer....she will never forget how to spell that durned word!! lol
I know is is not the same situation but my son experienced the same disappointment. When he was 9 he tried out for our local little league team. He had an excellent try out, hit every ball etc. There was a girl after him who tried out as well. She had a terrible try out, she missed every ball, didn't hit one ball and ended up making the team. My son did not. Turns out that her dad was a coach and that was why she made it. When he went to school and all of his friends made the team and he didn't he was destroyed. A mom approached me who's husband was a coach and told me how sorry she was for my son, and that he deserved to make it. Also, to top it off, I was remarried and my son had a different last name from my husband who grew up in the town we lived in. She told me I should have put my husbands name on the application because they didn't know who my son was. How about that one!!! Try to explain that to your devastated 9 year old. I not only felt for him, but I was so angry that this was how children were chosen, by who they were and not by their ability. It took everything I had not to confront these idiots but I didn't. All I could do was reassure him that he did a great job and unfortunately sometimes people do things unfairly, it was not his fault. As someone else mentioned life is not always fair and as mom's we never want to see our children crushed, however I think the way we can help them to get through the bumps and bruises of life is be honest with them, and support them. I am sorry for your son, but I think you should just reassure him that he did a wonderful job and there is always next year.
Yes it is sad that he worked so hard for nothing, but I would encourage him to think about sharing the spotlight with the other girls. Also his hard work may still be helpful. I'm sure there will be other spelling bees and now he knows those 60 words so he won't have to learn them next time. Maybe talk to the teacher and see if he can be an alternate in case one of the other girls gets sick or something.
Hello,
Since three children did equally well in the preliminary, there could have been two "fair" solutions:
One: A sudden death "spell off"
Two: Participants chosen by lottery (name in the hat)
Since this is all in hind sight, you might suggest to the teacher that she appoints your son as an "alternate" in case one of the girls can't go to the spelling bee. She could also make congratulatory certificates of achievement that states something like:
Suzie Smith, Johnny Jones, Mary Cruz
Had Perfect Scores in Spelling
in Mrs. Souza's 4th Grade Class
on February 11, 2010
Your boy isn't too young to "learn" things don't always go his way. He just experienced it.
Blessings.....
