Would You Tell the Teacher?

I put fuel in my car when ever it is required, I can't miss a time. If I did it would be a serious problem. Same with unprotected sex...can't take that chance. It's a 100% situation and he probably won't forget again. At what point is it accepted. Five assignments? Ten assignments?

My daughter wanted the honor of winning the first in math player of the week trophy a few years ago. (If you don't know, it's an online math web site that schools use for extra practice - kids, classes, and schools are pitted against each other and ranked based on points). She spent every free moment working to win the trophy.

There was a boy in her class that was consistently the high scorer. Again, she did not get the high score. She was so disappointed she never got on the site again.

I did find out later that the mom of the boy did all the work to earn his cub scout badges and class projects, too. The only way he could earn the scores he was earning would be for her to log on and play when he wasn't around.

My kid is consistently on the honor roll. For those who care and are not, though, I find the ceremonies, medals, and parties to be demotivating, not motivating.

That sucks!
But, things like that have happened to me throughout my life, and in the long run, it's made me a meticulous person!

it's not a punishment.
i'm so tired of parents shrieking 'MY KID IS GETTING PUNISHED!!!!' if their child doesn't get actively rewarded.
it's pretty tough that the incentives weren't spelled out beforehand, but it's the teacher's call. if she lets your kid slide, what's the point of having parameters for the incentives at all? then it would just be a flat-out pizza party, not a pizza party that's a reward for kids doing everything picture perfect.
your kid not labeling ONE piece of work does not mean he's a bad student. but it does mean that he didn't label something as instructed, and therefore does not fall into the group of kids who did it all A-plus. so he doesn't participate in this particular party.
i'd be way more concerned about my kid being in tears, and i'd work with him on understanding rules and parameters, and on accepting that he doesn't automatically get rewarded for everything.
a healthy psyche doesn't get 'crushed' because of not always getting the prize. a much better response would be to shrug, say 'aw, no pizza!' and a re-focusing on turning in the work polished to the point the teacher requires.
i'm so sick of this culture that wants to reward kids for just breathing.
i managed a geriatric horse show a few years ago. a gal wanted to enter her horse, who was a year too young. she was furious. 'it's a fundraiser, right? surely you want the entry fee money FOR THE OLD HORSES.' she couldn't seem to grasp that without the rules, it was just a horse show. if we wanted to have JUST a horse show, we wouldn't have limited it to old horses. and when you have parameters, you have to have the gumption to stick by your parameters. if we'd have let her 17 year old horse in, why not a 15 year old one? oh hell, let's just let all horses in and just pretend it's a geriatric horse show. the fact that it sucks all the meaning out of the event notwithstanding.
this party wasn't about denying your son pizza. it was a nice surprise for the kids who take the time and care to turn in AND label all their problems. your son didn't.
that's not harsh. that's simple fact.
ETA to those who think it's 'unfair' because the teacher didn't spell out the incentives in advance- yes, she did. labeling was part of the ongoing nature of the assignment. she shouldn't have to 'incentivize' an ongoing rule. she simply rewarded those who didn't need special incentives or reminders. and those kids DO deserve a little special recognition.
khairete
S.

I think the point of it is simply this:
The teacher wants the kids to pay attention to their work. She wants them to do it *all* of the time, not just when there is a reward. So, she surprises them with something that makes them realize Paying Attention Is Important because you never know.....

If it were my kid, I would not interfere. The teacher is making a point-- kids need to *always* be thoughtful and pay attention to the work they are handing in. This was a one-off, yet I'll bet that when the kids sit down to homework the next time this will be in their head. If it were my kid in fifth grade, I think I'd ask him "so? Yes, some other kids did get pizza. They did what they were supposed to without being asked or told. You are in fifth grade, this should be an expectation by now: turn in the work double-checked and on time. This is a reasonable expectation for your age. So, yeah, it is a bummer that your work was handed in incomplete, and I think you will pay better attention to those things next time."

Call me crazy, but I'd rather my son have a softer short-term high-stress consequence in 5th grade and learn the lesson to pay attention to details sooner than later.

ETA: many people point out that the expectation should have been formally presented as a specific goal to earn. What happens in those situations is that the kids take great care on that ONE assignment when they know what the reward will be-- but then they fall back into poor habits when a reward isn't dangled in front of them. This is why surprise rewards actually work a lot better in teaching children. The reason to double-check your work is not pizza, folks. This was likely an expectation all year long. The reason you do it is that it IS a part of your work and expected. It was expected all along. How many moms would say 'we aren't going to reward our kid for taking the laundry to the wash-- it's expected.' The point of this being, why would we have different expectations for the teacher than we would for ourselves as parents?

If you thought it was an unfair practice and took your concern politely to the teacher the 1st month, I'd be more sympathetic (I don't love this idea). But apparently he's been on the benefit side of the reward system for 5 months and you were ok with it. And now, the first time he's not on the reward side you want to discuss it with her? No.

I understand your son is disappointed, but it's the same system he was rewarded by all year.

Yeah, I'm 46 years old and I remember having a few very strict "by the book" teachers in elementary school.
While I agree that this probably isn't the best method, it's the standard this particular teacher chose and your son is certainly old enough to understand that.
It really IS okay for your son to suffer some disappointment, in fact he will actually learn something useful from this experience, i.e. my actions have consequences.
ETA, very much like when I missed ONE letter spelling a word which would have moved me from the county spelling bee to state, SO frustrating!!!

Stop and back away from the email. He's in 5th grade and he didn't get to have pizza. He missed labeling something and because of that he didn't get the incentive. Tough break but really lesson learned.

Here's the deal on all this stuff. School is to teach him the things he'll need later in his education and that includes handling disappointments. Are you going to call his boss when he gets called on the carpet for missing a deadline? 'But he turned in all his other projects on time. He missed this one because his laptop crashed and he had to start over.'

At this point you got the answer from the teacher. You don't like it. Tell your son that it stinks and let him know that you are proud of him. Give him a pat on the back and move on. You have nothing to gain from pushing this issue.

Nope. We are depriving our kids of feeling disappointment and learning how to deal with this ..which is a disservice to them.

He knew what he needed to do. I never liked it as a child when I lost something do to nitpicking but as an adult I see the value. I have an amazing work ethic, my kids are not the unemployed 20 somethings because of their work ethic. Next time he will remember how miserable he was and because of this he will listen better and make sure the instructions were followed. Or you can put this on the teacher and he will still have been upset and will learn nothing from it.

I mean if my kids are going to be miserable for a bit I would prefer there is an upside so why are you taking the upside away?

Looking at the other answers, he did know up front what the expectations were. He knew that each month some aspect of his homework for that month would have a reward. He had enjoyed the reward since the beginning of the year but one month he failed to turn in the quality of homework that is expected and suddenly this month it is unfair?

Some people have an odd idea of what is fair and what is a good incentive. You have homework, you know what is expected, by picking out an aspect at random the incentive requires that all aspects are tended to since you don't know which will be picked. I would argue that telling the kids in advance you would get all the math problems labeled and their science homework would look like poop!

I see this from two perspectives.

First, you didn't have a problem with this until your son didn't meet the requirements. So it's only unfair and unjust if he doesn't win? Be careful here.

Secondly, It is my opinion that if teachers are going to use a carrot, they need to ensure that the kids know the expectations to get that carrot. It would be like a professor telling all of the students to write an essay, but not stating which style or how many pages/words. Then they come back and say "Oh, only those who wrote in MLA and over 1,500 words will be graded."

If your son had known the requirements, I'm sure he would have met them. But you cannot suddenly cry foul when you've been okay with this system of incentives for the last 5 months. Instead, use this experience to teach your son how to lose graciously. Yes, it was just one label...but he didn't label it.

I think a few people have misunderstood what the requirement was. She didn't say they had to get every answer right (not perfect). She said they had to turn in every assignment and they had to label the answer. In other words, the answer isn't 12, it's 12 inches. I know most people want to say, "Big deal." (I heard it from many of my high school students.) But it is a big deal. It shows that the student actually read the problem, understood the question and knew what the answer meant. It does matter.

My teachers never offered incentives for following directions. Instead they took off points for not following directions. We would have lost points for not labeling answers. I used to take off points for not using pencil. (Seriously, I had a box of pencils in my desk that they could borrow. There really was no excuse for using a pen other than they were rebelling.)

It's not unfair. The flip side would have been losing points on that problem. Maybe it wouldn't have bothered him as much. Maybe she has lots of students not always turning in their homework or not always labeling their answers and taking off points wasn't making an impression and she knew that a reward probably would!

I bet the students who missed out on the pizza won't be missing anymore assignments or forgetting to label their answers.

No I would not.
Rules are rules.
Bet he earns the next pizza party!

Whenever this kind of stuff happened to my kids, I told them "Well, next time, make sure you follow directions perfectly." What I didn't do was email the teacher to tell her that my child couldn't handle missing out on the reward, even though they CLEARLY didn't deserve it this time. I *guarantee* your son will NEVER forget to label a problem again. You said "he does label all his work". Obviously, that's not entirely true. He didn't this time, right? Sadly, it was the one time that really counted. I'd let this go. It's not like he was the ONLY one who missed pizza time. TWENTY other kids did, too. This is a good life lesson: sometimes, when you're not meticulous, you can make a mistake. It's a good lesson. Let him learn it.

Also, those kids that DID label every single problem? Well, they certainly deserve to be commended, don't they? Missing out on pizza isn't a punishment - GETTING the pizza is the reward. Your son seems like a hard worker and a solid student. He'll get that reward next time (and most likely, every time after that, too), and he'll truly deserve it!

I don't feel sorry for him at all. If my kid came home crying because of this I'd give her a big hug and then tell her to shake it off, that's life.

We might spend a minute discussing why she felt it was unfair (it does sound a little unfair) and then a few more talking about the fact that you don't "win" every time. We might talk about why she was so upset. Is it really pizza? Did she feel like a failure? What does she think is most important, that she learns the material, turns in her homework, gets a good grade. Does missing a label on one problem erase all that?

It's the way the cookie crumbled but it doesn't make him a bad student and he certainly wasn't being punished.

My youngest is a type A high achiever. I look at stuff like this as a way to teach you her can't always be perfect and you need to have pride in your success without a reward or prize. Seems in our effort to make our kids feel good we take away something very precious and important, their ability to rise above when the going gets a little rocky. The fact that I'm saying that in this situation is so silly because in the scheme of things this is not even a rough patch but merely a moment of disappointment.

Don't call the teacher over this, you will take away the valuable life lesson and replace it with a sense of him being so delicate that he needs his Mommy to complain because he didn't get pizza. Fifth grade is the gateway to Middle School. Buckle up Momma that's the land of disappointment. Let him walk away from this a tiny bit tougher, it will serve him well.

Your son missed a requirement. That is his fault. It was a careless mistake. We all make them from time to time! However, they cause us to miss opportunities. I don't feel that the rules should be bent for him or any other student. I'm willing to bet this teacher has been doing this for years, that other kids have missed out and felt bad, and I'm sure she/he is aware of it.

. My two kids are in HS and college now. I don't feel that what the teacher did was a punishment. She or he told the students what was required to be invited to the pizza party, and he didn't do it. The party was not for every student, it was for the students who did everything right. There will be other instances mom, when your son needs to do exactly what is required - filling out an application to be a camp counselor, registering for the SAT or ACT, submitting college applications. If you don't do these things correctly, you won't be hired, you'll show up for the test to find out you're not actually registered and the college wont' view your application. The teacher is actually teaching a valuable lesson and doing the students a big favor, in a way where the consequences just sting a little but don't cost them an important opportunity.

Sure he feels terrible and I'd have been sad to see my kid so upset, but I'd have told them that the mistake was theirs and that life has consequences, and that this is what happens when you do not check over your work.

My son who is now a junior in high school had an 8th grade math teacher who was incredibly picky about details. My son usually got the answers right, but didn't always show his work the way she wanted him to, and he got tons of points taken off because of it. This drove him nuts! By the end of the first six weeks, though, he was doing things her way and by the end of the year he had learned so much from her. He still hated having to show all of his work, but now he is an outstanding math student, and he gives her the credit. I'm glad I didn't fight the teacher on it even though I did think she was going overboard on how picky she was being.

In your situation I would let it go, as well. It's one pizza party and your son will likely label everything from here on out. Other students will be much more diligent, too.

Stuff like this happens.
You and your son should just roll with it.
Have some pizza at home this time around.
Next time he (and many more of those 20 or so kids) will be having pizza with the other kids.

While they might not have know what standard rule was going to earn them pizza ..I'm sure the kids were aware that the teachers expect them to label their problems and hand in their work.....it isn't like all of a sudden they were required to label and no on told them that it is expected all the time to label....I think u are trying to swing this like your son didn't know what to do ...but he did...he just forgot..one...and that is what is hard...

Way to teach the kids that math is fun. No, wait. Way to teach them that math is a punishment and high fat food is a reward. Great job teachers.

ETA: Yeah Julie G for seeing the bigger picture.

I think it's a great way to turn off a good kid to learning.

He's 5th grade for heaven's sake.

People wonder that our boys don't go to college, hate school, etc. Yes, this is one small instance, but it's lots of instances piled together which make school really stink for some kids. And some of these kids are our best and brightest.

I probably wouldn't say anything, mainly because I think the school system itself is hard to change anymore. My answer was to pull my kids out of school and do something completely different (homeschool). But I know that is not for everyone.

Sorry, I just detest drill sergeant attitudes and "gotcha" games in teachers of relatively young kids.

I might talk with the teacher if I knew she wouldn't take it personally. I would tell her that seeing your son's you started to think about how the awards happen. I'd suggest that when part of the class gets the pizza the others have to work on math problems. This feels like punishment. Suggest that the pizza award would work better if the pizza party was done while the other kids are busy with a different activity. One that isn't as fun as the pizza party.

My experience with a local grade school has been much different. First, getting pizza would be a reward for a whole year of work. The party was done after school hours or at lunch. One club had a test once a month. Those who were able to learn and tell all the capitols of various countries on every time on test day had a pizza party during recess at the end of the year. Participation was voluntary.

I suggest this teacher is handling awards in a way that causes bad feelings. I suggest many students won't even try to earn the reward because the reward is based on having perfect work. Perfect work is not a possibility for many students. When some students are discouraged they do not do better work. The way the prize was set up did divide the class putting a few getting a major reward and others, even those who are trying to learn but haven't reached perfection yet, feel punished.

I think the teacher needs to evaluate the way she gives rewards. Do the rewards help children learn better.

I remember being proud of getting a star on my papers. A star rewards good work without shoving success in the faces of less successful students.

I don't know that this is worth talking to the school, but I am also not OK with the "secret reward" part of it. The kids should know what rewards they are working towards.

If you think you can talk about this bit calmly with the teacher, I'd try, but I wouldn't bring up my son's hurt feelings. I'd only mention that it seems to be demotivating, which "I am sure is not the goal" (that's my magic phrase for teachers who seem to mean well but aren't doing well by my kid).

good luck!
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Poor little guy. That sucks. But what I would tell my child is the honest truth. You forgot to label that one problem. So it wasn't perfect. The rule was all labels must be on the paper. then encourage him and tell him how proud you are.

I really believe that we don't do enough setting of real life expectations anymore. Everyone gets a trophy, everyone gets the reward. That's not how real life is. Not everyone gets the promotion or the big paycheck or the largest house. I feel that I learned that growing up. We're raising a bunch of entitled children. They find out pretty quickly that it's rough out there.

I hope he feels better. Poor guy.

I think that this sort of "We're going to put out a goal but not tell you in advance" thing would be the part I'd be bothered by. Are they truly not telling the kids the task in advance? I would ask her to explain this method because it seems set up to have kids fail, and the result seems unnecessarily punitive. Why not have the pizza party during lunch so he wasn't instead sent to do math, thereby making math a punishment vs encouraging him to learn?

I do get that by 10 he is responsible for himself, and that he should understand that not everything is going to go his way. I'm just puzzled by the way this is being handled and I would be aggravated if it were my DD. My DD has yet to earn "lunch bunch" with her teacher, but she knows the goal, she knows how to reach that goal, and if she doesn't get the special lunch, she just goes to regular lunch. It would not be the one missing label that would bother me. It would be that the flip side of the pizza party was a punishment. I can easily see how this would make kids hate math or hate the class/teacher. This is disheartening. Like salt in a wound.

ETA: Though, I do also see another poster's point that if he benefited for 5 months and you did not speak up about the punishment part of the equation til it affected your kid, that could look like sour grapes. I would work with my child on just getting past this (we had a teacher for SD for 4th that we all hated, but she had to get through the end of the year) and just make it known that I thought the math as punishment business was harsh. Do not try to make an exception for your child. He didn't label everything. He doesn't get the pizza. He needs to go back to the teacher and speak up for himself if he has a question.

I wanted to tell you that I completely sympathize with your frustration, but please just reiterate to your child that it was a contest. He didn't label all of his work, and maybe next time he will get the chance. It sounds like a large number of kids DID meet the requirements and so they couldn't have been too outlandish. He just didn't double check his work. There will always be a next time.

This reminds me of the Perfect Attendance Award. I remember when you had to actually have perfect attendance all year to receive this. It was a well-merited award. But now, kids can miss 1,2,3 or more days and still receive this "perfect" attendance award. I don't get it. Why set standards if you are going to let students win when they don't actually meet them. Just my thoughts.

Let it go. The incentive was for any student that turned in all of their math homework and labeled each problem. I'm sure he still has an A but did not make the criteria this time. I don't think they should have necessarily had to do extra work because they didn't earn an incentive but extra math never hurt anyone.

While I would also think that an incentive works better when you know you have to A to get B....switching it up to keep the kids striving to do their best and maybe not having only the same model students being the only ones that earn it (everyone has their strong points), can also be effective.

Consider this. This is the last semester of 5th grade.
There were students that completed everything, not missing anything. Is it fair to them to allow students that missed 1? How about 2 or 3?
In the fall your child will be in middle school. They will be graded on their actual work.

Learning to look over his work, checking to make sure his work is completed and all directions are followed, really will count. So this is a way to get students to pay attention to details.

Obviously some students can do this. So instead of making this a "deal", ask your son "how can you remember to check your work? How can I help you?" What do you think would help you. Have him solve this so that he will be able to take pride in his work and can take ownership of the results.

I know this is hard. I have been there. We are fortunate to have a child that has always excelled in school, but we had to allow her to earn her own grades. In the end she needed to know her weaknesses. We never got mad at her for grades, instead we might be disappointed that she waited so late to do her work and then did not achieve what she could have.

We did praise her effort and going over and above on her work.

Don't make a big deal about it. He is disappointed and he might as well learn how to handle that now instead of his mom coming to the rescue. Maybe it was slightly harsh, but not so bad that I think you need to make a big deal. He's going to come across high school and middle school teachers that will be harsher than this, and future bosses that could be harsh also. If it were my kid, I'd rather him learn how to handle disappointment. A VERY important skill that apparently parents aren't teaching their children these days from what I've been hearing. He probably will never forget to label a problem again and he will learn that he will not always be rewarded (even if he only messed up on one tiny little thing). Also, I think we should cut the teacher some slack. Maybe she was a little too harsh this time. Maybe she made a mistake but had to stick to her word. They're not perfect, just like parents. We don't always make the best decisions when dealing with our kids. There are times to stick up for your kids and this is not one of them.

I would use this as an opportunity to have your son learn to speak up for himself and ask what he missed so that he won't make the mistake in the future. He did not meet the requirements for this week, so he should not be able to participate in the winnings. This is rewarding students for the things that they do right, not punishment for those that did not. It is common in schools, and something that I actually agree with.

Edited to add, I actually agree with the teacher (although not necessarily on the nature of the reward, in my mind it is awful to reward kids with food - not only are you setting an odd precedent, what happens if students have allergies to eggs or dairy? They are left out.), especially in the second semester of the 5th grade, changing up the requirements each month. One month may be just completion, one month may be every answer correct, one month might be labels. It teaches the students consistency, something that if they don't learn in elementary school will be a huge issue in middle school.

Secondly, if this was real world, if there was a project for work that was being completed and someone did not do their part completely, they missed a component, or something was wrong with their section, should they be given the same bonus or reward as everyone else? I don't think so. Yes, I know he is a student, and yes I know it is just the 5th grade, but he is going to be entering into middle school where a ton of group work is done to teach teamwork, and he will be exposed to students who don't complete their part of the work. He will need to learn to advocate for himself and for his group members that do complete the work, and if points are taken off, he will need to know why.

No, you let your son learn from this... If he had done all the work, he wouldn't have been left out. The standard for attending the party was set, and unfortunately, he fell short. I bet he does his homework properly from now on... Let it go, let him learn something, it's not like they caned him.

Hmmm. what I see wrong with that is that the pizza party took place at a time that all the other kids were working, so it did feel like a punishment. Some kids are partying, while the others are stuck in a room doing math problems...
In my experience, as an educator, and a parent, the better time to conduct a reward is at a time that others are already "recreating" anyway... a special pizza party should have taken place during lunch, when the other kids are at lunch anyway and the sting isn't so harsh. That's my opinion. I wouldn't go out of my way to email the teacher and tell her that though... but... I might mention it lightheartedly if I see her at pick-up or something in the next couple days. Something like "oh Mrs Jones, I hope we will have another pizza party reward soon, That was a major motivator for little jimmy, he wanted it so bad last time!". Just so she knows. Though I am sure she saw how he felt about it.

It must have made him really sad, but if she previously set the expectation that work is to be shown and homework is to be turned in then it is appropriate to hold all the students to those standards and reward only those that meet them. Otherwise how do they learn? I am sure that must have been hard for your son, but it is probably a really good lesson for him to learn and it will stick with him. I wouldn't email her saying it is unfair. Just try to make him feel better and understand that he does really well 99% of the time, unfortunately the 1% of the time he forgot, was the time she decided to reward. It is not the end of the world. Good luck!

No one likes to see their child miss out, but they can not make exceptions for one and not for all. Use it as a teaching tool, I am sure that is how it is intended. I think they see it as a reward for those that did 100% rather then a punishment for those that did not.

what is wrong is the students who did it "right" ate the pizza in front of the others. That's just wrong in my book. **THAT** is what I would tell the teachers.

What I would tell my child? I would state that while he feels horrible. This is a life lesson and this is WHY you MUST double check your work. Period. End of story.

He's not being punished. He did NOT complete the task. I would be LIVID that the teachers do NOT tell them the incentive at the beginning of the month. This means they can move the goal to any place to suit their needs.

If they are going to do this, they need to tell the children up front what the goal is and what they have to do to meet that goal. If they can't do that? Then there is NO POINT in what they are doing.

I can't imagine being a teacher and trying to figure out how to get 25 different little personalities motivated to label and turn in work on time. For some it is the grade they get, but some could care less about their grades. I'm guessing pizza may motivate some of those kids to be more diligent with their work. She is trying to motivate them to think about each and every assignment.

It is always tough to see your kids sad, but I really don't think you should talk to the teacher. If anything, you should start to empower your son to speak up for himself. She gave them each the perfect opportunity to talk to her.

Yet another reason why I home school. This teacher should be fired for horrible pedagogical practice.

I'm stunned that we live in a culture that thinks this sort of thing is OK. It isn't. The reward of learning is learning. Otherwise, if externally motivated, it's a giant waste of everyone's time: it's in one ear and out the other.

I think I'd email and say you object to this practice. It's unkind, thoughtless, and bad pedagogical practice.

No, I would not email the teacher. It's over and done, you will be "that mom" if you complain about this. Your son was crushed, but that is a part of life. At least he was in that other room with 20 other kids, and it wasn't just him. It's very disappointing to have missed by just one mistake. Validate his feelings. He's going to be a stronger person for having gone through this experience.

I don't love this whole idea much either...but if the rule is "perfection in this task" then there would be no point in inviting all the kids who only missed one problem. I'm sure all the kids tried their best and all were equally disappointed by their errors and missing the party. So if your son missed one, he missed one.

If this was my son I'd make light of it and say, "Well, the rule is the rule, you only get to go with a PERFECT score."

As harsh as it is, he probably will try to be even more perfect next time, and on a big test: That super concentration practice will be helpful.

I really dislike this kind of incentive stuff. I also do not like the us/them approach that it creates. There are ways to reward kids that do not have to make other kids feel bad. Give them a special ribbon. Send a letter home to share with the parents in private.

I also don't think pizza should be used as a reward, but is often is...so is ice cream. What are we saying to kids? DO all your math and your reward is junk food! That is just strange.

Just last weekend I got a phone call from my 6th grade son's teacher. He was doing the final grades and my son was missing an assignment that meant he would get a B+ instead of an A. My son knew he had done it. I had watched him do it as homework. He turned it in without his name and then had to leave early because he got a migraine...which is why he forgot to put his name on it. After some detective work, his teacher realized that one student had put his name on my son's paper because he thought it was his. My son's assignment was graded and he got an A.
It took about 30 minutes and two phone calls on the weekend, but as his teacher said, I want to give your son the grade he truly earned. (This was in the same week that my son's science project was chosen to represent his school at the county science fair. ) I am fairly sure my son is never going to forget this teacher's kindness and he loves science even more now. This man is an incredible, inspiring teacher. He has high standard, but he works very hard to make it possible for his students to achieve those standards.

I agree with you. I think she's just plain foolish. All she will do is make kids like your son feel like giving up. Shame on her.

I wouldn't bother emailing, because I doubt it would do any good. You've already emailed and I'm sure your concern was probably noted in the email (just the fact you emailed).

We've had teachers who are a bit odd in how they teach/reward, and you just sort of have to suck it up for the year. From what you've written, the teacher sounds set in their ways. If it was JUST my son who didn't get to attend, or my son was singled out in some way I'd be more likely to take it further.

It sucks that your son missed one question so wasn't included. But then there are kids who try hard but genuinely struggle who would miss out on the pizza too, and that's not really great either. It's just a weird incentive method. I do remember the odd thing like that from school - where some kids were excluded from things.

At our school, they reward "above and beyond" work, which I am ok with. Kids who really want to go the distance can and will receive a chance (it's like a lottery) to be included in nice lunch once a month. But it's based on good deeds, etc. like being helpful to other students, etc.

I would just explain to your son while you don't think it's very reasonable, stuff like this happens at times, and you just have to let it go. He knows what is required next time.

I want to be sure I'm reading the post correctly -- she announced on the same day they turned in this work that perfect work (meaning here, all turned in and all labeled) would get a party that same day? So the reward was announced after the kids had handed in the work on which the reward was based?

That's how I read this part: "The math teacher announced on Friday that any student that turned in all of their math homework and labeled each problem will be invited to a pizza party on Friday."

If this was a case of the kids NOT knowing in advance what to do to earn the pizza party--that's not a very useful incentive, to me, since an incentive is supposed to inspire you to work harder or better, and the kids had no opportunity to do that, because they didn't know what was coming before they handed in the work. Kind of a steath incentive -- Aha! You didn't know what to do to earn this but you did earn it, and those who also didn't know what to do got no chance to earn it! The kids should get notice of the incentive before it's sprung on them whether they got it or not; however, IF the teacher has been very consistently and firmly making them label things, and labeling is a big emphasis of hers -- then and only then could I see the idea of springing it on them as being OK. My kid's algebra teacher last year wasn't into these incentives but was very loud, long and consistent on certain details, so there would be no excuse, for instance, if a student didn't include those details on a test. But if your son's teacher hasn't made this particular labeliing a big emphasis prior to this, well, it's not a very useful incentive.

However -- it is entirely her right as the teacher to do this.

I would NOT approach her, nor would I tell your son how unfair it is, that he's right to be upset, etc. He does have to learn that life's not fair. He will have teachers later in middle and high school who give zeros on math problems for one unlabeled item or one illegible digit. He will have teachers someday who have their own eccentric or unfair or downright mean ways of dealing with things. And he is starting to learn that (though again -- this isn't mean, it just seems to give kids no chance to earn the reward because they don't know it's on offer). So leave it alone both with her and with him. Tell him he did his best and you know he worked hard, and praise the effort more than the result, and don't commiserate over his losing the pizza party.

This reminds me of all the times I watched kids get awards for being the "most improved" students, when I worked my rear off all the time and got nothing for it, while they had slacked for half the year and then stepped it up. Yes, the pizza thing is not a great way to teach something to a kid who's always trying their best. I feel for him. I would mention it, but wouldn't dwell on it too much. I'd try to put a positive spin on it. Tell her he felt terrible and that he hopes he can earn it next time.

I'd tell the teacher that she needs to give specific rules about party attendance and that the kids have a deadline and a list of what they need to do and a due date to have it done by.

The purpose of this sort of thing is to encourage the kids to do their work. But if they don't know they haven't done the work right, or they don't have a list of all the things they didn't do right, and if they don't have a "hey, you need to do this, right here, this thing by Tuesday afternoon then I won't be able to let you go to the pizza party.

I have a friend who has home schooled her kids for years. They wanted to go to high school so they started this year. Her daughter was looking forward to the Valentine's Day dance, her very first one, and they spent 2 weeks looking for that perfect dress and spent grocery money on it so it would be a very special day. They paid for her hair and makeup to be done and dad bought her a wrist corsage. Her big brother took her to the dance.

They denied her entrance because she hadn't turned in her homework that afternoon. It was in her locker in her bag because she'd gotten picked up early to go to the beauty shop. So mom spent hundreds of dollars and daughter was devastated.

This is a child that is borderline on the spectrum. She has so many social issues and is working so hard on overcoming them and now she's shot down.

Our kids had a Valentine's Dance last week and they too had to do stuff to be able to go. There were just about a hundred kids from the whole school there because the didn't earn it. That's just wrong and sad. It's overboard.

I think, by age 10, the kids are expected to take more responsibility. Sometimes a disappointment like this is enough incentive for kids to realize that they have to be more vigilant even if a reward isn't dangled in front of their face all the time. As they get into middle school, this becomes even more important. Sometimes you just have to do your work without someone offering you a sticker or a prize or a piece of pizza. And for most of us, rewards in life come because we were vigilant and paying attention to the quality of our work - but sometimes those rewards are stretched out into the future.

I think you can start encouraging him to speak directly to his teachers - "How can I improve?" "Could I please get some extra help after school with XYZ?" Let him start to advocate for himself. That's why the teacher said they have to see her if they have a question. He needs to learn to get over his being so upset and be able to move on, ask a question, and recover his composure. All the more reason for you to encourage this and stay out of it. I do think there are times for parents to get involved, but this isn't one of them.

I know he missed just one label. But the team doesn't win a game because a kid almost made the last basket. If you want to take this to the extreme, imagine a car accident because a tire was changed improperly - but the mechanic got all of the tires except one put on just perfectly. Your son wasn't punished. He just didn't get a reward for perfection. And he wasn't the only child not participating in the pizza party, so he wasn't singled out. If a teacher were to continue to demand perfection in every way, that would be unreasonable and detrimental to a child's wellbeing.

However, I do think making the kids do math problems while the others got a party is a good way to make the kids hate math. When I was teaching, I would not have chosen that scenario.

Also, make sure you have all the facts in cases like these - sometimes kids don't report accurately. They see things from their own perspective only, and don't really know what the deal was with the other kids. If you were to email the teacher, your approach should be that you want to understand the standards and to be able to encourage your son to improve his attention to detail as well as to bolster his relationship with her, student to teacher. Ask her what sort of language or terminology she recommends you use in reinforcing her standards. You always have to take the approach that your kid didn't give you the entire story exactly straight. I can't tell you how many parent/teacher conversations I had, both as a parent and as a teacher, in which the parent got the story wrong. That doesn't mean the kid lied by design - just that the kid is a kid, forgot details, misunderstood something, or went off on a tangent.

Consider this a great opportunity to teach your son that A) missing a pizza party sucks, but there will be other fun stuff and it isn't the end of thew world and B) Tell him he is doing a great job, but that he won't always get a big rewards for doing a great job. Some day his straight As will get him into a great college and he will get a great job and attending or not attending the pizza party will have nothing to do with it. THEN, take him out for a Mommy and Kiddo Pizza Night to show him that YOU appreciate all the hard work he puts into his school stuff :) I would recommend NOT being in touch with the teacher - fighting his battles for him will only leave him ill-equipped for life on his own...ya know? Sorry this happened - I've had similar situations with my son and it is an awful, heartbreaking feeling. Still, we have to resist the urge to make things all better all the time...it won't help him.

You are not a crazy mom. She is taking her ethics a bit too far and it is mean. Very mean. Perhaps you could run this by a school principal? or counselor?

I don't know if after 45 responses you need any more input, but I'll add my 2 cents. :)

I don't think you're crazy, I think the teacher was too harsh and the reward a little too polarizing between "good" students and "not good enough".

But I wouldn't email the teacher, because I doubt any good will come from it.

I would have been in communication with the teacher about the policy from day one. It's unfair for them to do such big rewards (in the eyes of kids a pizza party is a huge deal) when they don't know what they have to do to get there.

However, your son didn't do what he had to do. I do think it's unfair, but it is what it is.

I would be talking to the teacher, but not about this specific event. The conversation would be about the events going forward and not keeping the work needed a secret until it's too late to fix.

I guess my problem with this is that the expectation is not set up front as to what is needed for the reward. I feel if you are going to reward them, give them reasonable expectations and something to look forward to. If I'm reading this correctly, at the time they announced the pizza party, if you had missed a day or a label, there's no way for you to go since it was already decided. If they had said up front, do this to get this and then your son didn't do it, I wouldn't have a problem. A pizza party is a big reward and it is kind of mean to make the other kids do more work that the other kids don't have to do.

I don't think they should do such a big reward for one small thing (turning in/labeling 1 homework assignment). Some kid who never turns in h/w could have gotten lucky on that one day and then your son, a great student, misses out.

Teachers aren't perfect--just get more information on how this program works.