My 5 Year Old Won't Fall Asleep on Her Own or Stay Asleep

Supernanny's bedtime routine works. I let my daughter sleep with me too when her daddy was on deployment and what a pain it was to get her to sleep without me and then to go back to bed if she woke up in the middle of the night. There will be a few times when you feel awful and want to cry but It will make you relationship with her better in the long run, promise.

It has worked for me. My oldest is now almost 5 and is still mommy's girl.

First show her that your house is locked and secure--that no O. can get in.
Reassure her that you're not going anywhere.
Then I suggest you try--pure bribery!
After X amt of nights spent going to sleep on her own and staying in her own room--she can earn an XYZ. (Whatever she chooses--that seems reasonable for you of course!)
Make a calendar page or chart to count it down. Consider that they maybe should be consecutive nights in a row. Otherwise, she'll get her reward and you still won't be getting solid sleep and neither will she.
Does she have a digital clock? You can explain what time she can get up in the morning, too. Maybe make a big deal out of her waking YOU up in the morning for the day? Good luck.

Im a single mom too, she is now 7. When she was a toddler, i would go check on her, assure her, rub her back, then go back to my room. Let her cry it out, she is not in any danger! She is not the boss, youre the adult. A few nights and it will get easier and easier. If she pee in her bed, change the bedsheets and have her go back to bed. Its also comfort for you, i miss her but its good, healthy and does make them independant. You wont damage your relationship. Sometimes after an argument later, she comes up to me and hugs me and says she loves me, kids want limits and appreciate your love. You are doing right by talking to her, rewarding her and dont forget all the cuddles during hte day and the quality time. Please dont let her run your house. You could even say "in this house..." so your not the one making the rules, its the house that is haha, someone taught me that.

What seemed like a luxury isn't so much of one now, is it? LOL. The good thing is that you realize you have created this situation, out of obviously good motives -- you wanted her to feel secure and loved. The problem is now, she cannot soothe herself and she wants to feel secure all the time. She doesn't realize that she can make herself feel secure. You also have realized that you have a hard time saying "no" and "she walks all over" you - you've got to change that now! It will only get harder and harder when she's in school, has peer pressure to do things you don't want her to do, and (oh boy) when she is a teenager. You don't need to be best friends with your child - in fact, it's a bad idea. You need to be the parent, and that sometimes (often) means being unpopular with her!

It's best for her if she can bond with other people too - your family members, for example. It will make her feel MORE secure to know that there are so many others who love her and can care for her, meet her needs, etc.

Everyone wakes up during the night - the trick is to not wake up all the way and to put one's self back to sleep. Your daughter is old enough to do this. Do not lie down with her anymore, at least not until she falls asleep. Have a definite bedtime routine - bath, brush teeth, read a story, talk about the day, whatever. But do the same thing every night, and not with any TV or video games for the last half hour - just restful activities. You can use a nightlight or a white noise machine or a CD of soft music, whatever she wants. But make it routine. Then make a rule that she cannot start screaming or crying, she's a big girl, etc. Maybe there's a song she can sing? I used to sing "Good night ladies" but substitute my son's name, and then make up verses about what he did during the day, and end with "Sweet dreams David, sweet dreams David...." Do not let her into your bed - you both need your sleep. Pick her up and put her in her room with a soothing voice but without getting in her bed.

Have a sticker chart or anything that helps her earn what she wants - perhaps a toy at the end of the week, or a trip for ice cream, or whatever. Gradually stretch out the reward period, shorter times at first for smaller rewards, longer times for bigger things. Have her spend the night at someone else's house, have someone else put her to bed.

Whatever you do, BE CONSISTENT so that she knows you mean what you say. You are a single mom so all of the responsibility falls on you, and sometimes that seems like a raw deal. But you also are the only one who can give her the skills she needs to be able to separate from you during the day and at night. Resist the urge to be her friend. You aren't. You are her authority figure and the only one who can really do what is right for her.

Yes, she loves you, but she is also manipulating you. That's not a skill you want her to perfect!

I did the same thing with my son...I would lie with him until he fell asleep. Big Mistake! He is 9 and still seeks me out in the middle of the night when he wakes up. He also cannot fall asleep on his own yet. He crawls in with his little brother. Good that you are looking into how to fix this. No advice here-just encouragment that you are on the right track in reaching out for help. I wish I would have.

I think you've identified the problem, but...I don't think you're ready to hear my thoughts! I know I'm going to be slammed for saying this!

Is it possible that your daughter is waaay toooo attached to you & needs to learn to be independent? I sincerely hope this does not offend you! It truly sounds like it's time to let her spend the night with grandparents & other family. AND/OR it's time for her to spend a whole lot more time doing activities outside the home.....to expand her "comfort zone". & as for the going back to sleep, what about a fav doll, blankie.....the tv on....soft music? Have you tried any of the basics?

Right now, she is using you as her comforter.....she is not self-soothing. Usually these skills are taught in early toddler years.....so it's going to require quite a bit of effort on your part to get her secure & independent - without her feeling a sense of loss.

I think what concerns me most is how she lays in bed & yells for you to come to her.....that's pretty much a control issue! If she were truly afraid, she'd be running to you! (& I know that you mentioned that she does come to you ....but that whole yelling thing concerns me!) If you're posting this question, if you're really looking at the issues.....there's more here to tackle than just sleep. How much is she in control, how much is she using affection to twist you? Gee Whiz.....I hate how I sound!! But if you're ?ing it, if your family is "scratching their heads" at her behavior.....then there is something to be worried about! I truly wish you Peace!

I also have challenges at times getting my 5 yr old son to fall asleep, however, despite what everyone says we shouldn't do, I do let him sleep with me and will continue to do so for as long as he wants. I read up alot on what they are going through at each age, etc. and have heard that they start getting all kinds of fears, etc at this age. Which my son has. He has worries and fears about hurricanes, bad guys, growing old and dying, etc. He is my only child and I would never force him to be alone and scared especially at night, so this is what I choose. I also have a house where the bedrooms are somewhat far apart and I do not feel secure having him so far away from me at night. Also, I believe everyone should have the freedom to follow their instincts and do what they feel is best for their child. Anyway, my point is, what is so wrong with letting her be comforted by sleeping with you for the time being? I figure there is going to come a day when my son totally wants to be independent and be in his own room and so I am going to let that happen naturally. Good luck

I'm not a single parent, but my sister was, and she let her daughter sleep with her until she was 10. And probably would have longer than that if my niece didn't insist on moving out of the room :). Anyway, my husband works nights and so is up later than I am on his nights off. So he sleeps on the couch. He's more comfortable there since he grew up on the couch. Anyway, to get to the point. I have 2 kids. And I have one rule. They have to fall asleep in their beds. But if they wake up and want to sleep with me, they can. No big deal. They crawl into bed with me, and then we all go back to sleep. I can only see this as being a problem if you weren't sleeping alone. I really don't see it as a problem or battle that requires a fight.

Oh, and my kids rarely do come into my room I think it's more of a comfort to know that they can if they want to.

I was a single Mom. My girls had each other but still some times they would come and crawl in bed with me. It was hard on them because I traveled a lot after my divorce and they were 3 & 5 years old. So when I was home they wanted to be with me every minute. But I just sat them down and explained to them that I needed my sleep and couldn't sleep good with them in my bed and that they were big girls and needed to sleep in their beds. I also assured them that I wasn't going to dissapear on them. We had a great bed time routine and I think that helped a lot. We would watch a show together or play a game. Then they would have a light snack. Then it was bath time. After bath time I would rock them and read a book to them. Some times we would sing. Then it was off to bed. A bedtime story from their Bedtime Bible Book of Stories. Then kisses, hugs and lights out. I put a little night light in their room and one in the bathroom and told them that they could look in and make sure I was there when ever they wanted but they needed to stay in their own beds like big girls. But I also made a big deal of taking them to town and letting them pick out a special blanket and stuffed toy for bed time only and they only got to use them when they were in their own bed. I hope this helps. And as far as being firm there is a time to be firm and a time to play. Don't let your feelings of needing to be firm get in the way of having fun. I played in the sand box with the girls, on the swings, we played Barbies, toy cars, etc....I always was on the floor playing with them. They turned out great. Both have graduated with two majors from the University of South Florida and one plans on going to med school to be a doctor and the other is planning on going back and getting a masters in social work. So you see my getting on their level and being a friend and a Mom did not hurt them a bit. You can be a friend when she needs one but be firm when it is necessary.

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best, k