My 5 Year Old Son Won't Listen

It's so frustrating when they don't listen and nothing seems to work. My 3 year old daughter has recently been giving me a hard time about cleaning up. I found myself growing so frustrated and it was becoming a constant battle. I finally tried to talk to her calmly and tried to keep it simple...if you can't take care of your toys and I need to do so for you, then I get to keep the toys. Any part that is put away, she gets to keep. Any part left laying on the playroom floor is for me to keep. I agree that throwing toys out is expensive and wasteful. I put any items into our guest room and tell her that I can play with them but she cannot because I took care of them. When I notice her doing a good job putting her toys away when I ask, she can earn them back. I try to be reasonable about it and give her lots of verbal reminders and often get down and help her - especially if I had been playing along with her. Occasionally I'm making dinner or packing the bag for an outing and then I only use words to try to help her stay on task. It has worked for her and has been a saving grace. I don't get upset. If she continues to not put something away, I just calmly take the remaining pieces and put them up. Then I don't have to look at the mess and I'm not frustrated.

It's hard on everyone when sleep is disrtupted - especially over time. I know what you mean about enjoying the snuggling and we also enjoy some snuggle time each day with our little ones. My son is just 20 months and still in his crib so we snuggle in the glider while we read and sing. Then he goes in his bed on his own. My daughter has been in a big bed since she turned 3 in Sept. My husband or I spend at least a short time snuggling and reviewing the day while laying with her after her evening story. Some nights she does want more than we are able to do for whatever reason. It is always hard on both sides when she fights the separation. I haven't tried this myself, but just thought of it ... maybe you could use a timer of some sort. You could use a simple kitchen timer set to a length of time that you feel is reasonable or you could use a tape/cd and stay for the length of a book on tape, or one side of a sleepy music tape or so many songs. I would think that you should make this time be the same every day so that his body can begin to get used to what the length of time feels like and can begin to predict it.

Hope that helps a bit. Good luck

Hello R., I'm a R. too. Anyway throwing away toys can get expensive. I've been having the same problem with my four year old son Elijah. What I'm going to try now is just putting all but one or two toys away and letting him know that only good behavior will get toys back and bad behavior will get what toys he has left taken. Of course I'll have to throw in T.V. time as well. The challenge will be for me to follow through with this, but I must before I loose control.
well good luck, R. W.

I'm a 32 year old mother of an 5 year old boy. And he doesn't listern to me either but he will to he's father but i lose my cool sometime but it is hard. we both work full time jobs,husband have other work too. so it all on me. the best thing i can say is take to him and let him know that you are the boss it ok be bossy. if you let him take over it will be problems in the future my son is the same way its blows me up when he said the word NO to me that is not allowed in my home. And yes he can get samrt too. just let your son know were he stands. and i let my son clean he's own room sometime i will helpon some part of the room. one time i took he's tv out he cry all night be he understand why mom took the tv i never had a problems at all this may work, it did for me. Hope i help some. I for got tell you my son didn't clean he's room today i told him too he did'nt listen to me again so i went in he's room and took all he's toys in a trash bag and put them down in the basement. when it was time for him to play with some toys he couldn't find them so he ask me were is all my cars mom ok i told him where they were. Said why did put down there for you need to listern to me when i ask to do something i except you do when i say it not when you get good and really. it was time to clean up not play time. well when will i get them back. START LISTENING TO ME!!!!!!!!! ( not loud)

Clean up of toys and throwing them away -- I take a similar but less expensive approach. If the toys are not cleaned up, I put them in a trash bag and put them in the basement or the closet. Then, for every time my girls do something "extra", like set the table, unload the silverware from the dishwasher, help gather up laundry, etc., they get to choose a toy to have back as their reward.

On the sleeping situation, if you don't want the younger one to think it's OK and also do it, you can't let the older one do it. If you choose to stop letting him/them sleep with you, he may not sleep a night or two, but he WILL eventually sleep on his own. He just needs to realize there is no other option. Consistency is key.

Best of luck,
K. E.

R.
I strongly recommend that you rent and watch the video 1-2-3 Magic, managing difficult behavior in children. You can purchase it or rent from netflix. This was recommended to me by a family therapist and really does work. The main point is to be consistant, and not to over communicate with children. Explaining why they need to clean-up, how it makes you feel when they don't, etc is not necessary. They turn the tables and are in control when you turn things into a long negotiation session, or they start to see you get upset and frustrated. The best thing to do when they do something they are not suppose to is say that is 1 (meaning the first warning)... slowly count to five and if they have not stopped say that is 2. Count out five more seconds and if they have not stopped say that is 3 and they need to take 5 minutes in time out. Just take them to time out and sit them there for five minutes (the key is not to argue about it... do not explain why they are there, yell at them about what they did etc... just sit them there). When the five minutes are up they get out of time out and there is not discussion of what they did wrong... just welcome them back. After a day or two you will not even need to go past 1 to get them to stop or do what you want... if you are consistant. They have to know that this is the way they will be disciplined each time and that you will follow through. This will put you in control and you will certainly enjoy spending time with you son much more.

This is a simple description, the video goes into more detial and tells you what to do if the kids won't stay in time etc.

I agree with Heather on both points. For the picking-up & not listening in general issue, first of all, kids always save the worst behavior for their mothers. God only knows why, but to me it seems to be a proven fact. On the up-side of that, we are truly their entire world & because they know that we will always love them no matter what (if we're doing a good job at being mommies that is) they don't worry nearly as much about us as far as how we feel. They know they will be back in our good graces in a short amount of time, & it's usually worth it to them for us to be mad for a little while if it means they get to be lazy.

If taking the toys away (I wouldn't recommend actually throwing them out either) doesn't work, start taking other things away. Whatever mean the most to them will always have the fastest results, just make sure that what you're punishing them with isn't also a punishment to yourself (i.e. if you love going to the park as much as they do, don't take that away, try dessert, or movie time, or whatever that special thing in your house is).

As far as the sleeping situation goes, the only situation I have that's close to yours is when my son was a baby I held him until he fell asleep pretty much every single night. I enjoyed this as much as he did, but my kids are only 17 months apart. So when our daughter came along, that just wasn't feasible anymore. I tried everything under the sun, but in the end, I had to just put him in his bed & let him cry until he fell asleep. The first night was absolute torture for all of us. He screamed at the top of his lungs for 4 1/2 hours non-stop. The second night he cried for about an hour & by the 3rd night he fussed for 15 minutes. He knew after those first & 2nd nights that I meant it when I said he needed to just lay down & go to sleep. We've never had trouble like that from him again, & I learned what not to do with my daughter (she's always been an excellent sleeper).

Good luck whichever way you choose to go, just remember that every time you give in to their demands, you're teaching them that the longer they ask, the better the chance that you'll give it to them. Stick to your guns & it'll all work out!

R.,
You need to be absolutely firm with your son. Your goal as a parent is not to make him happy or be his friend. Your goal as a parent is to raise a child who you eventually want to become a moral, upstanding, hard working citizen. Also you should never place your childs desires above his eduction. Maybe it would be good for him to be away from you for a while. Let your husband have them for a couple evenings a week (if you are not there to snuggle asleep with then he really has nothing to fight about). Also with the toy thing, I would suggest telling him if he doesn't pick them up he can't do anything until it's done except go to the potty (and be reasonable about the number of times he says he has to go). Not eat, not play, not sleep, nothing. And you absolutely must stick to your guns with this. It may seem pretty harsh, but he's five, he understands perfectly what he is doing, which is manipulating you into doing what he wants. Also now would be a wonderful time to teach him delayed pleasures and manners. It sounds as if you give him everything as soon as he wants it, but do you insist he say please and thank you? Also delay his pleasures. If he asks to watch tv/have a snack/play a game with you and it's not convenient for you tell him you will give whatever to him, but not now in 5 mins (or whatever you are comfortable with). My two girls understand that when mommy says not now (they are 3 1/2 and 5 by the way) they are to go off and keep themselves occupied until I am done what I need to do. No it doesn't always work perfectly however they usually do pretty well. Consistency and firmness are the best things to use on children and when they know and can follow rules then you can have fun! Good luck.

You have to put your foot down and be the mom. He doesn't listen to you because you don't make him listen. You have to teach both of your children to sleep by themselves. Of course they are going to give you a hard time at first but you have to be consistant with children and mean what you say and no cave because it is easier.

R.,
I know what you are going through until recently I had some of the same problems that you have had with cole with my second son his name is cobi. Cobi was very active and we couldn't get him to help us with any cleaning he just didn't care what happened to his things. He wouldn't even clean his room when we asked him and he wouldn't listen to anything that we told him. We still enrolled him in school he is in kindergarden and it was through the school that we really realized that our son had a problem . He has just recently been diagnosed with ADHD. He is now medicated and he does a lot better than he did before like last night he cleaned his bed room by himself without anyone helping him. As for the sleeping in bed with you , you just need to put your foot down and say no you need to sleep in your own bed and let it go at that it isn't a love issue it is the fact that he has control over the situation and that is just going to let him think that he can do what he want when he wants. Have you tried sleeping in his bed with him until he falls asleep and then leaving in his room? that worked with our youngest daughter she had the same problem where she thought that she had to sleep with my husband and I and I did that with her and she has been sleeping in her own bed for the past couple of months. these are my suggestions to you and i hope that they help you out.

I am the mother of 5 and I hear you! You sound like such a loving mom. Consider compliance training. Compliance training is when you call your child by name and then give a simple direct command. For example, state "Cole, put your cup in the sink." (Not, Cole clean up the kitchen/ toys/ etc.) Wait 10 seconds (count in your head.) Repeat the command. "Cole, put your cup in the sink." If he does not comply, put him in time out. (I minute for each year of life is a guideline.) This can get you started. Google compliance training for kids. Remember once you have made more than 2 requests for completion of a task without a consequence, you are reinforcing noncompliance. I was shocked when I learned this fact from a wonderful school psychologist. Good luck.

Hi R.,

I know your request ws back in November, just curious how everything is now.
Its good that either you or your husband is always with the children. Howeve, maybe your parenting skills or expectations of the chidrfen are different, if so the kids could be confused.
I know you cant force your child to sleep, staying up until 1:am isnt good for aboy his age, but letting him sleep in until 11:30 is in your control. If I were you I wouldnt let him sleep past 7:30. maybe waking everyone up everyday at 7:30 and getting their day started earlier would help give them more structure. more of a daily plan or routine would tire them out a lot sooner. setting time aside for projects, craft time, learning time, and play time will stimulate their curiosity and imaginaion and in doing so this will fill in part of their day. If their minds are stimulated every day it may increase downtime later on in the day causing them to become in a more relaxed state of mind. Which in turn could make bed time easier.
I am a firm believer in making a child responsible for what is theirs. If you had a set "play hour" and they knew that at the end of play time was their next activity they may be eager to help clean up to get to the next activity. That next activity can be "t.v. hour" which gives you a break without them knowing it. In doing this you cna avoid having to throw away their toys as well as taking them from them.
Be firm in what you say. Say what you mean. Don't give in no matter what. Childfren need to learn their boundaries and they wont know what they are unless you show them by standing by your word. This kind of stress in your home isnt good for anyone including you and your husband. You are in charge. It is important that children learn your routine and your rules. once that is set, everything will fall into place with your supervision.