I Swear She Hates Me. Help??

the mommy i dont love you and want a new mommy is a manipulation tactic to get their way. next time you pick up her toys for her get a trash bag and throw them all away. :) i had to do this once with my oldest and after that all I had to say was do I need to get a trash bag?????

You have some really great advice here. All I'll say is- she doesn't hate you. She's three and she's a girl, this is what they do. Enough said :)

She's running the show, which you already know. I would strongly suggest that you read any of the books by Dr. John Rosemond. He wrote several books on how to stop the arguing cycle with your children and regain your role as the head of the house.

There is way too much going on here and too many issues to address in a posting. If you are really struggling with this to the point that you are no longer enjoying one another please seek out the help of a counselor.

Don't give the toys back after two days. It's time for hardcore choices. Take the toy away and store it where she can't find it (garage or attic). Don't buy her new ones (unless a birthday or Christmas). Tell her if she asks for something, "I'm sorry, but when I ask you to clean up you won't always do it, so I've decided not to buy you anymore toys." If she asks when you will don't start telling her what she has to do...... just say, I don't know. Remember, you have choices too! You don't have to explain everything to her.

Kids are smart. If the discipline is not consistent, then they figure..... what the heck, I have a 50/50 chance Mom will give me those toys back in 2 days.....I'm willing to gamble. Your job is to take the gamble out of the equation. That may mean never giving back the toys (or at least waiting a long time).

When my daughters' rooms become too messy and they (well, actually, it's only the 8yr old that can't keep her room clean, the 10yr old is super-neat), so SHE refuses to clean it up, I tell her "Ok, time for me to get out the big black garbage bag..." The first time I brought out the bag, she thought I was bluffing (she was probably 4 or 5), but I just put EVERY toy that was on the floor into the bag and she didn't get to see them for, well, I guess it was about 1 month. Then when they came back out, she did a GREAT job of cleaning up after herself for a LONG TIME. But, of course, there came a time, once again, when she refused to clean up. So out came the bag again and she didn't see those toys for about 2 - 3 months. I've brought out the bag maybe 1 or 2 more times since then. She knows I'm not bluffing - I have absolutely NO problem dumping all her toys into that bag and putting them away and forgetting about them for months at a time. She has certainly learned her lesson. Therefore, now that she's 8, all I have to do is say "Well, I guess I'll bring out the big, black garbage bag now..." Her room is usually clean within an hour of me saying those words.

Hi J.,
First - she does not hate you!!! But, she does know how to push your buttons. You have gotten some great advice from the other Moms here on your post - Kudos to them!!!!

When my boy was three I did the trash bag thing after he repeatedly refused to clean his playroom. The little stinker actually helped me put all his toys into two garbage bags and helped carry them out onto the porch. He thought it was a game until the next day when he realized that he could not have them back. Then the tears and the promises kicked in. I let him pick out a few items to take back in and told him he had to prove he was going to clean up. Over the next MONTH - he slowly earned back toys. This accomplished two things - he learned the rule and the consequence AND we had a chance to weed out unused toys. Those that were still in the bag the end of the month got one last look see then went to Goodwill.

As for the sassy mouth I handle it - still even though my boy 14 - by not responding to sass. I finally taught myself to not sass back, and to answer in a even, controlled, even gentle tone, with a simple "I am sorry, I cannot understand you when you speak like that. Once you talk nice I can answer you."

Next time you give her a choice between the little pets or the baby toys and she refuses to do either, swoop them all up and put them away. Don't give into toddler promises of better behavior - she's got you beat on that one right now. LOL Instead, find other ways around the house to let her earn the toys back - folding towels, carrying laundry to the laundry room, age appropriate things that will help teach her responsibility for things.

Be strong and know that she does love you no matter what she says.

the no love, new mommy thing is a classic used by many.

When she tells you she doesn't love you, tell her that that makes you sad, but that you love her anyway.

my daughter's latest is that 'this house isn't fun and i'm not cleaning up cuz i'm not living here anymore!'... okay, that works, so then you don't mind that we throw your stuff away cuz since you don't live here anymore it's not needed. ... No, don't do that!

I have thrown stuff away before. Once it goes in the trash its not allowed to be taken out. Believe me, it only takes once. If a toy is thrown in anger, its thrown out cuz its now a weapon.
Ask my oldest and he'll tell you. My nephew, son, SIL and I were in a room. Nephew was giving my SIL a hard time and threw a prize toy at her. Really? My son was sitting next to him. 'OHHHH'. ...
Me: C tell P what happens when we throw toys.
C: They get tossed!
P: Its mine, you can't throw it out.
Me: Really? Okay, you do it.
P: What?
Me: You do it. Now.
I walked his but to the trash and made him toss it out then turn and apologize to his stepmom.

Once hubby was on a cleaning rampage, 'anything left on the floor is mine and outta here!'. my daughter (@2y at the time) came over to me and without saying anything started stuffing toys between me and the recliner edge. (whispering) Don't tell Daddy! .. Why? .. He says if I don't clean them up he'll toss them, but I don't want to clean them up!' ... I just about fell out of the chair laughing.

As for the 'new mommy' - I say okay. Your choices are:
Aunt K - where you'd have to sleep on the floor
Aunt C - where you'd have to share a room, dresser, and can't take half your stuff cuz there's no room
Aunt D - where you'd be states away, never see ME, but you'd be one guy against 3 girls.
- Sigh. I guess I'll keep you.

I had to do the same thing as Denise. It only took 1 time when my son was 3 and he refused to p/u his wooden ABC blocks. We got the trash can out from under the kitchen sink and in they went. Now at 6 he still remembers and all we have to do is ask if he wants the toy, markers, ds, etc. thrown out and he knows we'll do it.
Good luck ~ it's called tough love and its not fun, but necessary. Oh, and she doesn't hate you, she's just 3. Hang in there!!!!

Maybe make a reward chart for every time she cleans up and tell her she gets an ice cream or a trip to the movies when she gets all her stars. Good luck trying. Or maybe not give the toys back so fast next time.

When I hear, "Mommy I don't love you", I say, "Well, I still love you" calmly.
I never got "I want a new Mommy" but I did get "You are a mean mean mommy". I'd laugh and agree. My oldest did wish for Daddy to die....and I did explain to him at one point that if that happened, Daddy would be gone forever and there would be NO NEW Daddy.

As for the toys, no way could I throw them away. Too costly. : ) But I have said, "Well okay, but if I have pick them up all by myself, then I am going to keep them."

I basically echo the other responses you have already. Consistency and follow up is key. Some of this is just what kids this age do especially if they find they get away with it (even if they hit some resistence).

My daughter has tried to do the same thing "I will be good or I will listen NOW". My response is "Well, that is good but you still can't have it back right now because you didn't listern earlier". She recently lost her Leapster for a few days. She didn't even try to play it again until she asked (she asked the same day and I didn't let her but a few days later I did and she has been fine since).

Wow, not sure if I have any great advice to help. I can share what I found works for me. My ds is 2 1/2 and can be defiant. he is learning how to assert himself and tells me "NO" or "Mommy, STOP" if he doesnt want to do something.
When it began my first reaction was to get firm and take away toys or whatever fits the moment. I was having a hard time switching gears from dealing with a sometimes defiant almost 13 year old son to the 2 year old one lol
What has worked well for me is to take a deep breath and stay calm. I will stop immediately when he talks to me like that, breathe, then get down to his level and ask him to look at me. Sometimes I have to make that request a few times but the key is consistency. I just repeat, Brody look at mommy and I touch my finger to my nose. I keep repeating until he finally focuses on my face. it is amazing that when he does this all of the angst and tension he had suddenly seems to be released. He exhales loudly, his scrunched up face goes soft and many times he hugs me. I look him in the eyes and gently hold his hand, not hold him there by the arm or anything and I talk very nicely to him. Brody, if you would like to go play outside then we need to put these toys away. If he starts bawlking or saying no again I repeat. it takes much longer than I would like sometimes but it seems to be working. I really think consistency is the key and responding immediately, not once you have had it up to here type thing.

I have noticed a huge change in our household dynamic as I an doing something similar with my tween as well. Even hubby says it is much calmer, not as much tension and yelling, disciplining etc. And it works. Brody, 2 will finally tell me "i udrstan" and do what he asked. I usually stay with him while he completes picking up so that I can respond immediately if he starts to get off task again.

Not sure if this is much help, maybe you have tried it already.....but know that many of us have these trials with the little ones.

Also, wanted to add that with my first the 2 year old phase was wonderfull and left me wondering what they meant by terrible twos....then the 3's hit LOL . My second definately has the terrible twos and so far I think I prefer it at 2, he is still a little guy and easier to deal with!

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I once and sometimes still do feel that my daughter could love me more (smile). I would try something like....purchase some fun items from the store, something you know she would enjoy. Spread these items out and give them to her once she does a good deed and gives you a hug. I have to for the most part convince my daughter that she loves me and I love her by requesting hugs and kisses. It seems ridiculous but I'm hoping in the long run these hugs and kisses will work in my favor and also let her know she's a good person and she's very loved.

My 4 year old is in a nasty phase now too. It happens to everyone.

It also happens to everyone that what works one day won't work the next. That's just the way it is with a child that is testing the boundaries. If you are perfectly consistent for about, oh, SIX MONTHS STRAIGHT OH MY GOD, then it mellows out and you get about 6 months of peace before it starts over again.

Look. You have made progress. She now understands that you don't get to play unless you help clean up. She reforms, says she will help, then when you return her toys, SHE DOES HELP. Then she backslides. Look, this is normal. This is every child, and to be honest, most adults. Constantly rewarding and punishing, even for the same things over and over, that's just parenting. This part of your life is completely typical. She is not unusual in trying to get out of her chores.

It sounds like what you are having the hardest time dealing with is the smart mouth. You can either ignore it completely or you can fold it into the things she gets punished for. Either way, you have to separate your emotions from your response, as difficult as that is. It sounds to me like you are getting genuinely upset from the hurtful things she is saying, but she's only 3; it's not fair to attribute adult motivations to her. She's trying to get a reaction from you, sure, but she isn't saying things to hurt you, do you see the difference? You simply can't let yourself be genuinely insulted by your 3 year old; you just have to get past that.

Make sleep a priority for you. It's much easier to respond well to a nasty toddler when you are rested. Miss TV. It's worth it. Try this for a week. See if it works.

Then, see what works for you. What if you ignore her completely, and focus only on her actions. Let her grumble about time-outs, picking up toys, whatever. She's only 3; who cares what she grumbles about? Not your problem.

Or, if you can do this calmly, and she isn't grumbling but saying something nasty straight to you, say "you are not allowed to talk to me like that; you can say you're sorry or you can get a time-out (or lose toys for one more day, or whatever)" and give her a chance to say sorry.

I have difficulty sometimes avoiding escalation with my daughter, because she will ALWAYS escalate wtih me. She will NEVER back down, so at some point I have to quit adding on to her punishment and just start it, or stop responding entirely and throw in something completely different. Humor works sometimes. If she says she wants a new mommy, say, OK, can I leave you here and go to the mall by myself for five hours and find you one? Maybe I can get a massage and you can try the new mommy out for a while? Ask her what kind of new mommy she wants. Then say, well, I found one that will do what you wanted, but she's purple and has only one eye, is that ok?

If you can find an activity that works as a "reset button" that puts you both back in a good mood almost all of the time, that's also a good approach. Good luck.

We do the throw away technique as well...it definitely works. I also make things competitive! "Whoever can pick up more toys gets a kiss from Mommy!" Then my husband will scramble to pick up and my son joins right in. If it is just my kids and I, I will compete with him to pick up with the prize of 5 M&Ms or a marshmallow.
If he smart mouths me he gets in timeout for three minutes, has to apologize, then hug the person offended. I know that alot of the smart mouthing comes from me...I tend to be a little sarcastic! I've learned to be carefull!

one thing we do is no new toy out until the other toys are put away. And when my dd tells me to just do it, I tell her I'll help, but she has to start first.

She sounds like a smart girl and she likes that she is manipulating you and the situation and the power she is getting from it. Does she do anything around the house that makes her feel proud of herself? She is getting more out of the negative than the positive and you need to figure out why. If she does this mostly because she is tired or upset than I think you can be a little more lenient (my son likes to be more defiant and kick to see my reaction right before bed) When you tell her to do things do them with her and if you have to put your hands on her hands to do it. Even the smallest accomplishment should be rewarded to get yourself back on the right track. I don't think there is anything wrong with also telling her how she is making you feel. I think its ok to say to her "You know, when you say those things, you make me feel sad". Also remember a certain level of defiance is normal at this age but if its escalating then you want to take back control and remember, be firm and consistant.

I feel your pain! My 4 year old DD is the same way sometimes and I swear she acts like a teenager too. When she was only 2 years old she started rolling her eyes at us. I honestly don't know where she got that from since she hadn't started preschool yet.

First of all, she doesn't hate you. She treats you this way because she is close to you, she trusts you and she loves you. Basically, she knows you're not going to hurt her. She probably wouldn't treat someone else this way because she wouldn't be sure of how they would respond. It's common for little ones to say things like this but don't take it personally. The point she's really trying to get across is that she's not happy that you don't let her do what she wants.

We give our daughter two positive choices and sometimes she refuses to choose. If I make the choice for her then that makes things even worse (full blown tantrum). My hubby and I just went to a parenting workshop last weekend and they said you should offer two positve choices and if your child refuses you just keep calmly repeating yourself until they do choose. You would do like you did and ask her if she wants to pick up the little pets or the baby toys first and when she refuses you would just repeat yourself, "Would you like to pick up little pets or the baby toys first?" Eventually you can just say, "little pets or baby toys first?" You might have to repeat yourself 100 times but eventually she will choose. She will figure out that mom's not going to give up until she makes a choice. When she chooses and finally picks up the toys make a huge deal out of it. Give her ownership of the choice she made by saying "Good for you! You did it! You picked up all of the little pets, etc.! Way to go Kaydence!" Also, give her a high five, a pat on the back or some other kind of nice touch.

I agree with Denise S.! It works when you REALLY do it! Don't give them back so fast next time either -put a time limit on it -"If you don't clean X,Y, and Z up after playing with them, then I'm taking them for 5 days." DO IT! Show her on the calendar what that time means. When she gets them back -on YOUR terms -if she doesn't clean them up, get the box or trash bag and take them to Goodwill. Tell her you're giving them to a little girl who will appreciate her toys. Of course she's going to tell you she doesn't like you and wants a new mommy throughout all of this. Who cares? She's not going to get one, and I know it makes you feel bad -but you're letting her make you feel bad. She's 3. If TRULY given the opportunity, she would cry for you day and night! She knows how to manipulate you though. Don't let her!

You can also look at her and see how she responds to this, "I know you need your toys and you don't feel like you need to clean them up, but I need for you to clean them up. Mommy has feelings and needs just like you and when we both get what we need, we both get to be happy! If you need to play with these toys then you're going to have to meet my need and clean them up." It will depend on where she "is" at 3 as to how well that all sinks in, but it works with a lot of kids!

The next time she starts with the "I hate you mommy" business, just look at her and say, "Awwww, I know you don't like what I'm doing right now, but I'm the only mommy you get! You're going to have to make the best of things with me, because you're stuck with me for the next 15 years! And you know what -I LOVE you and I don't want a different little girl -I just want you to start being a little nicer so we can have more fun together."

Yeah, like Kate S, we have thrown out many toys ... they do not go to the trash, they go to salvation army/good will or friends but yes, after he sees I am serious he gets busy cleaning up. I have given away $20 little thomas trains (breaks my heart but it gets him where it counts) good thing his friends like thomas too and when he goes over there he has no clue they were his! I wonder as well if this is her way of wanting more independance ... is there any way she can have a day where she makes her choices w/out your guidance?
Food: My son does well when he can look in the fridge/pantry to decide his breakfast/lunch/snacks telling me "mommy I want blueberry yogurt can you get it for me?" instead of tellling him he can have blueberry yogurt or peanut butter crackers.
Clothes: When it comes to clothes I tell him to go to his drawer and pick a pair of underwear, pants and shirt and he dresses himself better that way. I also put clothes that match in the same drawer so he only has to open one to pull out matching items.
Toys: I ask him what box he wants opened up to play with, he knows he can not change boxes until the first is cleaned up. When he says he is "all done, I ask him if he put away his first box and depending on his willingness to clean up he continues playing with those toys, keeps playing with the first box, or plays in another way. I let him decide when he is going to clean the box up as long as it is done before he goes to bed.
I think she is ready for more independance ... have a talk with her and ask her if she is ready for some of these things ... I think she may be and you may be pleasantly suprised.

My 4 your old daughter is doing this too. Are you stuck inside lately? I have noticed that with the cold Wisconsin weather we have not been out and about as much so in the house more. Which means bigger messes. We all are on each others nerves. So partly no outside play and then the age that seem to be stirring this attitude up in this household too. If your little one is smart, or figured out that she can manipulate and gamble with what she says and does because she gets the items back in short order. I have seen A LOT of kids, including my own daughter, say she does not love me and wants a new mommy... it is tough to hear but I just remind myself that she really does love me but have to remain firm in raising her.

With the defiant attitude, what I have been doing is saying "I do not listen to that kind of attitude. You may sit in your time out corner or clean up. We clean up out of respect for your toys, others living in this household and so you do not trip on them and hurt yourself." This has seemed to help us but as you know ever child is different, books by Dr. John Rosemond are good ones so maybe read a few. I hope you find something that works for your family.

The taking way of toys has not worked for us much, but when we do say "If you do not pick up I will take away the toys" we have to follow through so we say that the mess/toys are put in the basement (or wherever you store them when you take them away) for at least a week. If it is a toy we took away before, then it is taken away again for two weeks. The third time 3 weeks and the fourth time it goes to goodwill. We have never reached the 3rd time taking something away.

So I JUST started a chore chart, only has been 5 days, and it is going well. Now I am not sure how long this is going to keep the "peace" since we have not done it for very long. I picked it up from a local learning shop, my daughter actually picked it out along with the small stickers she gets to put on the chores she has done. This helps my daughter see what is expected from her.

On the chart:
My Room
- I put my things away
- I put my dirty clothes in the laundry
- I made my bed

My School
- I was ready for school on time (we use this for other activities if no school)
- I had all my materials ready for school today (or items needed for activity)
- I did my homework (I use this also as clean up on really messy days)

My Family
- I cleaned up after my snacks or meals
- I picked up my things around the house
- I helped a member of my family

Myself
- I brush my teeth
- I brushed or combed my hair
- I took my bath or shower (we do not do these daily, but always wash face)
- Put on PJ's myself

The above are in rows going down then across is Sun-Sat with boxes where she can put stickers if she did those things.

Now on the chart at the end it says a reward or special privilege I would like to earn this week:
OR my allowance earned $____
We did not use this part yet, I want her to see that the above are things she just does to show appreciation for living in this house and the right thing to do. We may do the "special privilege" like get chocolate milk on Sunday for lunch or something super simple OR maybe get a toy back that was taken away (just got that idea from Lesley B who posted above me, so using this one myself now!!!)... but for now we are just trying for you do this because it is what you do.

Hey J.,

You're right....sometimes two positive choices just won't work when the child is trying to flex their autonomy and power. This might not work for you, but what *does* work for me are the following two solutions:

1. Have a chair for her to sit in, out of the action a bit. After you have presented two choices and have no compliance, take her to the chair and have her sit down. "I need you to sit in this chair *until you are ready* to put X toy away." (Choose one for her.) Then go about your business. When she gets of the chair, give her a minute on her own to do as you've asked. If she does it, just say 'thanks' and move on. If she begins to play, take her back to the chair again and give her the simple statement again. "I need you to....". Keep repeating this, with NO other conversation, bargaining, etc. The difference between this and Time Out is that she is being given the opportunity to correct the situation when she chooses.

2. If I need it done sooner than later, and my son (almost 4) still is noncompliant, the toy/s go away. I do sit him in the chair first, but I also give a warning and use a timer. "I need you to sit in this chair until you are ready to do X. If you the toys aren't put away when the timer goes ding, I will be taking them down to the basement, because will see you do not want to take care of them." And then, follow through. My son watched me take out a bunch of toys last weekend, all in view of the chair, and had LOTS of questions afterward, because many of his favorites were gone. I told them he could have them back in a week. Be warned, once you start this process of removal, you will have to follow through for it to have an effect.
If you say the toys are gone for a week, and then she promises to comply next time, just say 'That's great. And the toys are going to come back in x more days." STICK WITH IT!

I just read your post regarding her intelligence, and if she learns that she can promise and get what she wants without having to follow through--- and that momma won't stick with the consequence-- she'll develop a habit of saying what's needed in the moment without the real intention of 'doing' it. Lip service should only work once or twice, then we parents have to let our kids know that we're savvy... not by confronting them with "you said this last time, but then...", but with our own consistency and conviction that we will do what we are telling them we are going to do. Your little girl is likely bright enough to understand a week on the calendar, and you can keep referring back to that. "Let's count how many more days.One, two..." It will make an impression.

You can also have her rephrase things "in a friendly way" when it's appropriate. (I try not to problem-solve on more than one issue at a time, in the moment.) When my son begins to sound bossy or unpleasant, I often say 'Oh, I couldn't hear you because your voice sounded mad/mean/upset. Try telling me in a friendly way?" Most especially requests. After asking him to try this different tone, unless he's sick or tired/hungry, I just ignore him or tell him "Try it again, friendly way now." This can help. And we, too, have to watch our own tone with them. It's hard sometimes! Hang in there!