My 4 Year Simply Thinks She Doesn't Have to Listen.

HI K. R
I understand how you feel. I'd decided my daughters 3rd year was when she connected to her personal will. When they discover there own wants, and then have fun testing you with them. I'd decided I didn't want her to just do what shes told as an adult and was willing to put extra energy into negotiations from the start. I when I'd ask her to do something, and she wanted something else, I'd think about it. Not every time, but a bunch of the time it was just a silly power trip. And I'd say something like I've thought about x and I changed my mind, you can xx. And then we'll do what I had asked in the first place. I think it's a natural development of there person. I also thought about her sign, my best friend is also an aries, and very strong willed. The harder you push for x the more stubborn they become. So I changed the way I thought about the situation. And found letting her have some control in her life made all the difference for better behavior.

As for time outs when they stopped working I would take some privilege away. Her doll would get a time out, or a tv show she might get would be taken away. That got her attention since she doesn't get to watch much tv, it was a real treat.

I do the same with picking up, if she wouldn't help the toy was mine for a few days. Or the next time she asked for it I'd remind her why it was mine that day. And we'd talk about why.

Anyway that might not work for everyone. So good luck! A. H

Hello...
Your story sounds just like my granddaughter! So, we used psychology with her. When she wanted to be in control we gave her options so it looked like she was making the decisions and in turn she "felt" like she was in charge. When she became strong willed about bringing a couple toys to the sitters (and she always lost them) we would say you can take the doll or the stuffed toy...(she would take the stuffed toy)THEN when we got to the sitters she wanted to take the toy into the sitters home and we said, either you can buckle the toy in the seat belt or I will, we want him to be safe you know...she would say "I" will buckle him in!! So, she did and she jumped out of the car and ran up to the sitters home. We "let her be in charge"...and we got what we wanted. Otherwise she was very strong willed and we were fighting about her loosing toys all the time. Giving them options makes them "feel" like they are in charge and they love that and everyone is happy!..Hope this helps!..
C.

We went through a very similar phase with our oldest when she started preschool last year. Time outs worked with her, but for only as long as she was in time out. What we finally had to do was what we called "Three Strikes". For each strike (usually if she didn't listen and we had to tell her a second time it was a strike) we would take something away. Something that was close to her. Each strike had a little more impact. The third strike was her ducky - which she had to have to sleep at night (or so she thinks). I think we only took duck away once or twice before she got the idea. It really seemed like she was trying to figure out how much we would let her get away with now that she was in school. We talked about her being a "big girl", and she wanted to see just what that meant with being able to get new rules. Once she knew where the boundaries were, she became a very well behaved child. Once, on Halloween last year, we had a major incident and we actually took trick or treating away (she ran through the school parking lot full of buses instead of holding the teachers hand). Keep reinforcing her boundaries, showing her lots of love, and she to will get through this.

Wow, is there something in the water? My 3YO (who started preschool 2x per week in September) is going through a similar phase. I swear, she spent all Wednesday in her room screaming and crying because she was DELIBERATELY disobeying. I have been reading the Love & Logic series, hoping for some help, and I would recommend this to you, too. Love & Logic Magic for Early Childhood is written specifically with discipline ideas for kids under 5. I will say that it's hard to respond to my daughter with love and kindness when she's been so DELIBERATELY naughty.
As much as you don't want to hear this, I think the solution is time-- it's just a phase. You are doing the right things by disciplining her and being consistent in putting her in a time out when she's naughty.
The other thing that works for my daughter (and surprisingly, for me) is to take the focus off the punishment and use distraction. By focusing on the problem, I feel like I am negatively reinforcing the behavior. So when my daughter climbs on the bed after I just told her DO NOT CLIMB ON THE BED, I either pick her up and swing her out of the room and say laughingly (it gets easier with time to do this when you are SOOOOO ANNOYED!), "Hey! No jumping on the bed!" while removing her from the situation and doing something else, usually she'll just move on. The key for us is to reprimand her once in a loving voice and then move on. Of course, she hasn't done anything dangerous or hurtful.
Also, I wanted to comiserate with you about my 6.5 month old, who is also not sleeping through the night and is just starting to get into solid foods.
GOOD LUCK!!! The whole disobedience phase is so NOT FUN, but if you get through it now, it will be easier when you go through it AGAIN in the preteen/teen years. And if you build a good foundation now, it will be easier to deal with later. GOD BLESS!

You should try a behavior chart and rewards chart. Make a list of behaviors and how many stickers or m&ms etc. she will get. Then keep track of the number of stickers or whatever you use and figure out what she can earn from them. Also, be sure you are trying positive reinforcement and not just yelling at her or giving her negative attention. She will relate attention to negative attention if you only show her attention when she is doing something wrong.

Also, it sounds like you are busy with your 6 month old. Be sure that you are going on a "Mommy-Daughter" date once a week even if it's just to the grocery store or to get a cookie somewhere.

Hope these suggestions help!

~K.

A couple of things make sure you "put on your listening ears" together in the morning (make it fun), so that she feels you will listen to her too. My daughter usually acts up when she feels I am not listening to her side, and it will start with Mom you need to listen to me, then go into a fit as she tries to tell me her side.

Next when it is something important, ask her to repeat it back so you know she heard you-but at the same time when she asks you to repeat her then do it.

One last thing maybe to talk with her pre-school teacher, for some tips too. They can be a world of resources, especially since they are just getting to know your child so they may know somethings you have just never noticed.

Good Luck

Watch Supernanny on Fridays. Great disciplinary ideas all the time.

But you may have to get in her sweet little face with a look of "NO MORE" written on it. Very sternly tell her that mummy has two others, and everyone needs to get along and her stuff will not be tolerated anymore.

Also when you need to attend to something else, get her busy on something until you can get back to her and give her the attention she's obviously bucking for.

You all have been going through a lot these last few months! No wonder Lily is a little out of whack! Good for you for seeing the big picture - breastfeeding your son exclusively and being sensitive to Lily's need for time with you. Keep up the good work! She's old enough to talk seriously with her when she's in the mood to listen. Preschool sounds like a great idea too to get her into more of a Big Girl mindset and give her fun with other kids her age. I think this will all work out. Many infants are up during the night, not that their parents love it, but I doubt it will end anytime soon. Good for you, too, for finding a way to earn some money without leaving the kids. I'd make the most of your evenings together as a family and ride this out. Lots of positive stuff in Lily's life will tip the scales, I'm sure. In addition to all the changes in her environment, she's going through developmental changes at this age that she's trying to cope with. Hang in there, Mom! You're doing a good job!

K.,

I know what you mean by that. I babysit a 4 yr old. I am not allowed to discipline her by spanking so she goes to the corner. Oh my, she hates that. I also tell her I'm going to call Daddy and she is going to tell him she's not minding. They go through a stage like that. Also, you mentioned you have a baby, she might be acting out because of that.

T. V