My 3 Year Old Has an Attitude!

You can not reason with a three yr. to any real extent. "Because I say so" is enough at her age. Linda gave good advice. This little girl needs some attention from her mom.As much as we like to think we give our kids "quality time", they, especially the little ones, need quantity,too. When the tantrums or arguements start, a controlled spanking is necessary. You must be the boss now or you will hae a heartache at 14.

She wants your attention - she hasn't seen you all day and really just wants to spend time with you.

I suggest that maybe you sit down with her for 30 minutes (have a light snack) and find out about her day. I know it is difficult when you just come in from work, but you need to give her the time. Let her help make the dinner - even if it is just finding the potatoes or getting something simple out of the fridge. Let her help you with small chores like sorting the laundry or dusting.

Make the attention you give her positive.

I also have a very headstrong daughter and this is what worked with her....Giving her choices. Many times children feel like they have no contorl over their lives, mom or dad tell them what to wear, when to eat, what to eat, etc. By giving the child choices, they feel like they are in control (when actually, you still are!). The key is to give 2 choices with each question (and ask as many as possible to give them more choices), either choice you are happy with.

Example:
When your daughter tells you she is thirsty, you say:
Would you like the red cup or the orange one?
Would you like juice or milk?
Would you like a lid or a straw?
Would you like to drink it in the kitchen or at the dining room table?

This works with discipline too...
When your daughter shows inappropriate behaviour, you say:
That behaviour is not acceptable in our home (or at church, or at the supermarket, etc.), would you like to spend 5 minutes time out in on your bed or in the dining room chair? If the child refuses to choose, you just up the time and repeat the same question. Again, if they refuse to choose, you just up the time and repeat the same question. Eventually they will see that the time is getting longer and longer and will choose.

The tough part is sticking with it in the beginning. When they refuse to choose (when it's not discipline) or try to give another option, you choose for them and STICK TO IT. This teaches them that if they won't choose from your options that you will take control back and choose for them. It won't take very long until they will choose because they will learn that if they don't you will choose for them and take the control away. If they refuse to choose (when it is discipline) you just keep upping the time and at some point you just stick with it so they will remember the next time that the punishment is worse if they don't choose.

My daughter is now 17 and a wonderful young lady, however, at 2 she was driving me crazy because she was so stubborn and strong willed. This method worked wonders on her, even in her potty training. These children won't do what you want them to do just because you want them to do it, they won't do it until they decide to do it and that can be quite frustrating!

Good luck!!!

My 4 yo is the exact same way. My parents and grandmother thought for the longest time I was making it up because she would be so sweet when she was with them, until she started school and went to their houses after school. I don't think it's anything that you (or I) am doing to make them act that way. I tend to let her cry until she feels shes over it, but my husband and son can't stand to hear her yell and scream. When they are not around her tantrums don't last as long as when they are there. I think she feeds off the attention she gets from the behavior. My husband tends to "give her what she wants", but not me. I'm sure your little one will get the jist of it all sooner or later. Be strong!

I sounds like she is trying to see how far she can push mom before she gets into trouble. When she throws herself on the floor to have a fit, just walk away and act like nothing is going on. That worked on my daughter. I only had to do it a couple of times before she realized that I wasn't going to let her control the situation. When she repeatedly asks the same question over and over answer it the first time, then put her into timeout for 3 minutes and warn her the first time that if she keeps asking the you will add another minute to her timeout and that every time she ask another minute will be added. She will finally understand and sit there quietly. You may have to do this several times with her, but it will work. Just be consistant and don't forget that your are the parent. Good luck
G.

I have a friend with a little girl - about the age of yours - that's named Trinity. You might try looking into a diet change. MSG is in just about everything we eat anymore, and its being linked to all sorts of neurological issues. I made the switch with my girls several years ago and it's made a HUGE difference.
www.naturodoc.com/library/nutrition/MSG.htm

I'm so glad it's not just my 3yr old that's going through the repeat everything phase. I can completely sympathize with your situation. Everyone I've asked about my daughter's behavoir says it's perfectly normal for her age and she should grow out of it. When she gets demanding and does the excessive repeating, we get down on her level and tell her that she is not getting what she wants and she needs to stop acting up immediately. Sometimes it works and sometimes we have to resort to a time out before she gets the picture. Good luck.
J.

Trinity seems to be very smart. She may be trying to exert control at home because she "must" be good at daycare. She knows how far she can push you and takes it to the limit. If you can, give her 15-30 minutes of undivided attention when you first arrive home, but don't give in to unreasonable demands. After the new baby arrives, even that small amount of time may not be available. I didn't allow tantrams with my 5 daughters and after one good spanking, they were not repeted. I taught my children that as the mom, sometimes I have to say NO-because I love them and it's my job to teach them. This even works for teenagers because it's true. If you think they can be bad at age 3, just wait! My point is, a child that cannot be controled as a toddler, before they can learn self-control, won't be controled as a teen. Be the boss.

1. Regarding "repeatedly asking for something until she gets the answer she wants" - don't change your answer. If in the end you give in, this teaches her to keep persisting in the future!

2. Give her attention before she demands it. Being a working mother is hard, but give her lots of really good, loving attention, and she will gradually stop demanding so much of it.

3. As for tantrums, sometimes a kid really just feels overwhelmed by her feelings. Be loving and supportive through them. Never try to discipline her during a tantrum. Just wait for it to pass, then talk about things after she has calmed down. Show empathy for her feelings but don't give in about the toy, candy, tv show, etc. that she wants that you denied her. But remember to empathize: "It's hard when you can't have what you want. You really want that toy, don't you? Maybe you'll get it for Christmas." Just basically take her to a private place if you're in public, or when at home, just make sure she's safe for herself, you and others. If not, restrain her but do so lovingly, speaking gently to her through it: I'm holding you to keep you safe. I love you...etc.

4. Get Becky Bailey's Easy to Love, Difficult to Discipline and the Sears Discipline Book. Both are AWESOMELY helpful.

I'm sure you're doing a great job! Hope this helps!

L.

OK...you're not going to like this. I had the same problem with my oldest at age 3. I was not pregnant, but I did work full time. She was everyone's favorite at school or anywhere out of the home. She was smart, entertaining and adorable (still is). Get her home and she was very difficult (still is, but much improved). She once called me out of the shower to hand her the sippie cup of juice off the coffee table so she wouldn't have to reach for it.

We sought help with a child therapist and she basically told us that if our child was polite and well behaved like we were teaching her, we were getting through to her. The fact that she was demanding and not so polite at home was (get this) evidence that she knew she had our unconditional love and could be herself and relax at home and we were apparently doing a good job parenting her. It is also evidence that she was bright and was testing boundaries...all normal behavior. Any comment like: "when I was a kid I never would have..." would be rebutted with: "do you want to parent like your parents did?" and that kinda shut us both up. Heh.

I have thought about this and I believe that most people give their most polite and cooperative front in public. Don't you ever come home from work after putting up with some nonsense -smiling and nodding- and just have a melt down, expecting your spouse to listen while you complain? I know my hubby and I depend on each other. I think this is the 3yr olds equivalent. "I've been good and used self control all day, I'm tired and I want Mommy to baby me!!"

She is 3 (and thay said the 2's were terrible)and away from you all day. She misses you and probably is also aware that she will have even less of your attention soon. Be firm and continue to say no when you've said no. Before you decide no is the answer, ask yourself if it's a battle you're going to stick with -nutrition and safety are our big firm points, find yours. It is a pain in the rear, but otherwise she'll think she can walk all over you and it will not change, which could be dangerous in the teen years. Parenting is exhausting sometimes! Things will improve with time if you stay firm.

I hope this helps.
Good luck and congrats on your upcoming baby.
~K.

It sounds like a power struggle at home. At one point in my son's young life, I had to look at him and say "Who is the Mommy?" Then I explained that Mommy is in charge and he had to listen. That worked for a while. My son found that if he asked enough times, I would cave. I had to get tough and tell him that No means No....don't ask again or you will be punished....Whatever discipline works best with your child is what I would suggest.

With my granddaughter, I'm still able to give a firm "No Mam!" and if she pitches a tantrum, I turn my back to her or walk out of the room like I don't hear her. It works sometimes, and sometimes not.

You have to be consistent in whatever you choose to do.

This sounds corny too, but have you ever watched Nanny 911? Some of her techniques really work.

My daughter told a therapist we went to that over 80% of the time she could get me to let her do/have whatever she wanted if she kept bugging me or threw a fit long enough. She was 13 or 14 at the time and had become such a problem for me by Second grade that I had sent her to live with her Dad. She came back to live with me after he kicked her out for stealing her best friend's mom's car, and the 2 girls had driven it to the far East side of town to cruise Air Depot.

When he told me what she had said it was an eye opener. I started saying no and trying to meaning it. The problem was sometimes I didn't really mean no, I just didn't want to be bothered at the time. I had to start telling her I would think about it for just a minute but if she bugged me while I was thinking the answer would be no. At 29 years of age she still thinks I am the most horrible person in the world because I don't give in to her every demand.

I am raising several of my grand kids now and have taken Love and Logic classes. I think this would really help you. I learned that I need to limit choices, give logical consequences, and really work on my skills to be better able to not get frustrated by temper tantrums. I was able to find the classes for free through a grand parenting program. My local Library has nearly all of their books and if yours doesn't have the ones you need to read have them request them from another Library.

http://www.loveandlogic.com/

I also think if you sat down with her for a few minutes when you get home that she might do better. If you work later than 5 pm then I know you are trying to get dinner on the table and other stuff done too. Is there another adult in the house? When I am working on household stuff it is my husbands job to keep the kids out of my hair. He goes in the play room and sits in the doorway. I gave him the choice of cleaning the kitchen, doing laundry, cooking dinner, etc...or taking care of the kids for a while. He decided to watch the kids.

Hey A., sounds like she's testing the waters....yes, she wants your attention but she's got to be taught how to get the positive instead of the negitive. i know she's still fairly young but you might try including her in things that you're doing in the evening, cooking, washing, picking up...she will be "helping" you and she will be learning life skills all at the same time. be sure to find time for her without other distractions. maybe set a timer and when it goes off sit down and read a book or color then she will need to let you do what you need to do for a while. it will require some manuvering on your part but it might work. as far as the fits, my son decided to throw fits at 3 as well. i told him no one wanted to see that and if he wanted to throw a fit to go to his room and close the door, he could throw all the fit he wanted to. the first couple of times i had to put him in his room and make him stay there. the fits didn't last long because if no one is watching then it's no fun....A., you've got to teach her that the "gremlin" way is not how to get your attention or what she wants. if you establish that now, you'll probably be ok, going forward. but you will have to walk thru the fire a bit first. good luck....R.