My 2Nd Grader Won't Go to School

Hi K....
I work in a womens shelter and just last month they send me to a seminar on Mental Health Issues in Middle Aged Children. One of the things I found most interesting is that Truancy (missing alot of school) is often miss diagnosed. Sometimes a child can actually have a school phobia. Alot of kids are sometimes scared to admit that they are scared of something or someone. I know you said he likes his teacher and he has alot of friends but could there be a child that is really mean to him? Bullying is the number one reason kids are scared to go to school and often dont tell their parents. Our speaker was a physcologist for the University of MInnesota and really it was very intersting because I would never have put the two together. I know one mother suggested seeing a therapist. If this really concerns you I would consider checking into that. Good Luck

As a mother of an extremely stubborn (we prefer the word persistent) boy, I understand your frustration. First, it sounds like you have already done a lot of talking with him and his teachers to see if there is an underlying cause. I would continue probing and searching for that. If you feel he is holding something back I would look for a therapist. But you might also just being dealing with a plain old power struggle. If there is no other cause then...

A couple ideas:

1) present him with a choice the night before...he can stay home one day (but no TV, no video games, etc, or better yet is he allowed to come to work with you where he would just have to sit on the bus all day?) or he can go to school. Sometimes the grass just seems greener on the other side of the fence until you get there.

2) Does he respond to reverse psychology? Maybe he is beyond that, but when my persistent son locks onto an idea such as "I won't go to school today" and absolutely won't switch, then we say "Okay, that's fine, you CAN'T go to school today, because I don't want to drive you." Suddenly he is begging to go.
In your case I could see a conversation like this. "Hmm, you must really hate your school and teacher and friends if you don't want to go. I refuse to drag you kicking and screaming anymore so I guess we better hold you out of school and look for a new one. Too bad you will have to start over with making friends and getting used to a new school." Then follow through unless he has a change of heart.

hey K.!

have you tried just talking to him to see what's going on? maybe you could talk to him at a time where you don't have to be anywhere, like after dinner when the older kids are doing homework or something - just the two of you in a quiet place where he can really tell you what's going on. maybe there's a kid at school that bullies or teases him and he's embarrassed or afraid to tell anyone, maybe it truly is that he feels like he doesn't get enough of your undivided attention. this might be a long-shot, and i truly don't mean to offend you, but i saw that you're divorced - could that be affecting him, even if it's years later, that he would be afraid that you might leave or something? just a thought...

anyway - it seems to me that when kids act out like this there's an explanation, you just have to get it out of them, ya know? plus, i don't think scaring him into going to school will work - he seems like a really bright kid, and he's just not gonna buy it more than likely.

granted, i don't know your son at all. i think if i were in the same situation, i would talk with my son, make sure he understood that going to school wasn't negotiable and ask him to help me understand why he didn't want to go & how we could make going easier. i don't know about other parents' experience, but with our son, we have a lot better luck with him if we can involve him in problem solving when appropriate. i think that sense of ownership in the solution really helps him stick to it.

good luck - i hope things get better for both of you soon!
J.

wow K., sounds tough, when my kids dont want to go to school, if they are sick or for an excuse to just stay home, it usually ends up with them going later, however to get them to not want to stay home just for any reason, even when they were sick i would not let them play video games, or log into the computer, and keep such things out of their rooms, if they are sick they may watch tv with mom of what she wants to watch, and they are resting to get better, if they are allowed to play games, most all children will want to do that instead of school. not saying this is your issue, but it is what has worked for me, we put a password onthe computer they cannot log in at all unless we put in the password, when they crack the code, we change it, i take away all joysticks and guitars or whatever they like to do instead of school, and they have to be bored out of their minds , they would rather stay in school, sounds like your guy is a smart guy, thats great he does so well in schoool, maybe too, if he is that good in school, what is a day or two to stay home ? not a good policy i know but he will have to reap the homework etc, but make it boring, for him to do so, after all we are doing what is best for them , and that is school. so when its schoool time, thats what he should be doing, if not make it so he wants to be at school, well dont know if it helps, but take care and sounds like you have your hands full, have a good day , and its great to see you love your kids !!! D. s

I as well have a second grader.
He went to the doctor one day and then decided he didn't want to go to school he wanted to just go home. I told him NO as school isn't an option. He wouldn't get out of the car - I went in got the principal and he talked to my son who then got out of the car and has NEVER done that since.
He may like his teacher and he may like the kids. But, I know my second grader has different teachers. Like for art, music, computers etc.... Every other day it's diff. One day he may have art the next music etc...(specials I believe they call them)
On the two days that he does this pay attention to the class that he has maybe it's that teacher he don't like or the class that he has to go too. He may very well like his teacher and not want to go to a different class/teacher. So, you can maybe check in to that. If he acts up and refuses then maybe you can let the school know and that day he has to stay inside for recess or something like that. All kids like recess and maybe if he had to miss that once or twice he'll think about it next time and on them days maybe he can't play outsie at home or no video games or something he likes to do.

Good Luck to you.

K.--I think I would take your son to see a psychologist. Therapists are trained to know what questions to ask (especially children) to get at the core of what is bothering people. Your son may not actually be able to verbalize what is bothering him--so acting out becomes the way his body tells him something is wrong. Don't be afraid something will be wrong--do it for the positive mental health of your child! Good luck!

You must inquire at the school and maybe ask around at his school and find out if he is being or has been bullied. Bullying causes tremendous fear and anxiety in children and should be looked into.
If he's not being bullied, that's great.
In our home, there is one rule. SCHOOL IS NOT NEGOTIABLE. When we were kids, there was no question..if you're not sick, you go to school, that's just how it was. Kids nowadays shouldn't have the "choice" whether or not they want to go to school, they just go and that's that. If you give in even once to your son, he will expect it more and he will know you'll eventually give in. Let him know that he doesn't have a choice, kids go to school just as adults go to work. Be the parent here, it sounds to me as if he could be getting close to controlling you. And don't let him know or show him how much it is wearing you down because that could be his plan. :) Be strong, you're his mother. You can do it!

Hi K.
If everything you say is true. (he likes his teacher,school ect.) Then I would see if you could have a policeman come and show him what happens if you dont go to school. It seems he his getting an awful lot of attention for this bad behavior. I also think it can't hurt to take him to a theripst. Good Luck :)T.

Hi there-
It sounds to me like there might be something going on at school that he is not telling you, and that the adults at school are not aware of. Could he be bullied?
Also, you can call the police, and they will take your child to school. I'm a teacher, and I know parents who have done this.
Good Luck!