My 20 Month Son Keeps Hitting

Keep putting him in time-out. Once or twice isn't going to fix it. He may need several trips before it sinks in. It will...TRUST me. My son used to be like this. If he so much as raises his arm as if to hit I just say "Time out?" in my mommy-questioning voice and he retreats immediately. What you're doing is fine - he just needs a little more time to adjust. Consistency is the key - every time he does it, even if it is 25 times in one day, the consequence remains the same.

Clearly your discipline choice (1.5 minute TO) is not working. You need to make it clear to him that you mean what you say.....the way it is now is just a game to him. All you need to say is "do not hit me - no!" or "I"m not going to let you hit me or anyone else." I don't believe in this sugar-coating: "hands are not for hitting" etc. He knows that. He's testing you to see who is in control. He wants you to be in control and so his own angry feelings won't be scary to him. I'm not talking about screaming at him or anything like that. But no more "explaining" tone to your voice. You need a strong loud declaration of the way it is going to be. Then off to a real TO in a separate room or implement some other consequence (no TV, no play for a set period of time). It doesn't feel good to have to be strong like this with your child. But as a parent this is your job. Good luck.

You are doing the right thing! Most childhood development specialists agree that children don't really understand the "cause and effect" link (especially for abstract things, such as their own behavior) until after they turn 2 years old. Continue the time-outs and he will catch on. Like you, I also use my son's crib for the "serious" infractions (hitting or biting) and it has been effective.

I know how frustrating this can be. But I hope you will feel a little better knowing that your son is *not* a "problem child" or has issues! Give him a few more months and keep doing what you are doing.

Call Tuesday's Child They are awesome. They have a wonderful parenting program that helps to deal with this types of questions. It's good to go to make sure it doesn't become an issue.

I think that you have a bright young fellow there who is looking for attention...Does he have puzzles and interactive toys? Do you take time to play weth him or take him to the YMCA for gym and swim or to a kiddie playlot?
I am a teacher/counselor/ reading specialist and all my child psychology led me to find times when my babies were busy on their own with puzzles or such and to come and pat them on the head and give them positive attention for being good little tykes when they were productively engaged on their own...Reward the behaviors that you want to continue.....but ages birth to 6 years are the most active time for brain development and young kids need to be stimulated and taught as much as possible...they need to engage with their environment and be talked to....Tv is not the answer although mine did watch Mr .Rodgers...
Give him Cheerios to string on a shoestring or ask him to help you dust or arrange a play date with another kid so that both moms can get a break by switching off babysitting...If he hits he cannot go next time....He wants attention and engagement just be sure not to give it to him when he is hitting or you will reinforce his hitting and he will do it more , not less....Eventually the other baby should give him more fun at home as the two siblings interact...Cherish them, they grow up so fast....Mine are all grown now and doing well! Mom J

My first instinct is always to ask children what's happening. I expect you've done this and I'd like to hear his response.

The most effective thing I ever did was to scoop up a child Immediately after they did something unacceptable. I lifted him so we were eye to eye as I walked to his bedroom explaining calmly the entire way how unacceptable his behavior was. I have to tell you - he was terrified. When I reached his room, I placed him on his bed - still being in the dominant position (me standing upright and him now laying on the bed looking up at me). I told him what he had done was dreadful and should never be repeated and he would have to stay there until I said he could move. Then I turned, left the room and closed the door. When I returned I asked him if he was ready to behave like a responsible member of the family. He said "Yes" so I allowed him to rejoin us only after he agreed to apologize to the person he'd offended.

Good Luck!

I worked with little kids (from 1 1/2 to 5 years) for many years, and now have a 17 month old myself, and the thing that seems to work routinely with just about all of them is to give them a good "No" (not shouting or angry, just the word) and then you walk away. Most everything seems to be done for attention, so if you walk away you've removed yourself and your attention from their space. They may get angry at you, but it's normally short-lived and the behavior you don't like often stops real quick that way.

Hi L.,

I am going through the exact same thing right now. My son just turned two, and this has been going on for a few months. I thought it would just get better but it has not. I know that he is not doing it to be mean or to try to hurt someone.

Right now I don't know what to do, either. I just know that it is a lot more common than I thought. If any other moms out there have gone through this and have any advice, I would love to hear it, too.

Thanks,
K.

My daughter did this. I hugged her and told her "hugs and Kisses only" She gets the attention that she was looking for but changes the subject. She is still a hugger and a kisser. With the occational acidental headbutt to my nose. For some reason no matter what we are playing that head of hers always makes contact with my nose. Boy, if I had a penny for every time.

My daughter is about the same age and doing the same thing. Right now we put her in time out and tell her that it's not nice to hit. While she is in time out we give her a few moments to herself and then talk with her about using her hands nicely. I also have her apologize to whoever she it and give them a hug.
I am really interested in your responses because sometimes it does not seem that time out is working, but I think it is the best. Good luck!

You need to take this more seriously and your son as well. he is a little toughy, isn't he, and little time outs are a joke to him. call his bluff. The next time he does it, catch his hand before he hits you and say in a deep, gruff voice, "Don't ever do that again." Save the calm talk about hands are for nice until later. This is called trying something new and it serves to catch the child's attention. You need to try some other discipline techniques besides time outs, at least for now until he gets over this and they are a dim memory and thus will be more effective. Don't ask me what they might be, he is so young. Something immediate though and uncomfortable for him. Drop in unannounced at the daycare and have a seious ,non-judgmental talk with caretakers about nipping this in the bud. Do other kids hit? Is there a bully in the group? If you have other good choices for daycare, you might want to explore them.

He does not believe you and that is why he keeps trying you. The time out is basically ineffective. It means nothing to him. He is simply willing to tolerate it. Women often have difficulty tempering male children. Sometimes it is better for the father to temper the male children. Hopefully he can be more forceful and more believable in terms of discipline. If the dad is able to give that serious look in the eyes when these incidents happen , it is usually more effective. If your husband is too nice then he is ineffective as well. The main point is that your son must be able to look into your eyes and know that you mean what you say. No means NO!

It sounds as though you've been trying some pretty good ideas. I am so glad that things seem to be going better.

In case you'd like some more ideas to try, here are some...

http://www.askdrsears.com/html/6/t063900.asp

Best wishes,
J.