My 12 Yr Old Stepson Cries When He Has to Return to His Mom's House.

Sounds like he really enjoys his time with you and his dad, and likes being with you. At 12 years, he might really be longing for more "bonding" time with one of the most significant men in his life. Perhaps a weekend just doesn't feel long enough for him. If his mom is open to it and it would work for you, you might ask if a few longer summer visits would be agreeable.

It's really hard for kids to identify their feelings. Rather than trying to draw feelings/information out of him, I suggest trying the approach described in How to Talk So Kids Will Listen, and Listen So Kids Will Talk. (Read part of this practical guide: http://www.amazon.com/How-Talk-Kids-Will-Listen/dp/038081...) The authors demonstrate exactly how to support children in navigating their own emotional issues, and participate in finding workable solutions.

I remember crying when I had to leave my dad's to go back home, although I think I was more like 9 or 10 years old. I didn't know why I got so emotional, I think I just loved my dad so much I didn't want to say goodbye. I also remembered thinking "What if something happens to him and I never see him again?" Things were fine with my mom, I just missed my dad. My parents were concerned about me and they had a good relationship so they talked together about how to help me through the transition and deal with emotions I didn't understand. My dad made sure to talk about all the fun things we did and the things we would do next time, and tried to keep things light hearted. My mom was compassionate and understanding and we always talked openly about how we were feeling. For me it was just a stage, and it helped to have supportive parents at both ends.

I went back and forth between my parent's houses as a child and experienced the same thing. It isn't so much that you don't want to go to the other parent's house as that you don't want to leave the one you are at. When you enjoy both houses, it is really hard going back and forth, and there is always a feeling of betraying someone by enjoying the other.

It is complicated, but basically, it is just really hard to change environments. The addition of raging hormones turns those complicated feelings into tears. Just allow him to process his emotions however he needs and try not to over analyze or make too big a deal out of it... if you do, you will make him feel like he either has to hide his feelings or justify them.

Just let him know how much you love him and look forward to the next visit, and that he can talk to you anytime about anything.

FYI, it may not help, but my experience was that it was easier to be picked up than dropped off. It might make the transition easier if the other parent comes to pick him up from both houses.

12 is a bit old for separation anxiety, and it's also old enough to fully communicate and express himself. I would suggest to have another talk with him and let him know he will not be in trouble and no one will be mad at him no matter what the reason is that he doesn't want to go back to his moms.

Since I don't know him or his mom, I can only tell you to listen to your instincts and trust them. Don't brush them off because you know his mom and stepdad and have known them for so long. Look for signs that something is not right and listen to your gut.

In my experience he is trying to tell you that there is something wrong. If possible I would also see if he could spend more time with you instead of at his moms. He may be old enough to decide where he wants to live.

Good luck! I hope it's nothing to worry about!

My guess is that he's 12 so he is needing his dad a lot right now.

I was raised in a divorced family household and spent only weekends with my Dad. Of course, it was ALWAYS more fun at dads, he was more leniant, didn't make us pick up our rooms, : ) took us to do more fun things, etc. Maybe he looks at his moms house as the "not so fun" house and is enjoying his visits more with you and dad. If you don't feel anything is happening at moms house, then it's probably just normal pre-teen emotions and wanting a little more time with dad. Good to see you on top of the issue and I'm sure he appreciates your kindness in wanting to help. Good luck!

I too would recommend "How to Talk So Kids Will Listen...." by Faber and Mazlisch. (sic?) The opportunities for open-ended conversation presented in the book can really help kids to process how they are feeling.

I didn't agree with the suggestion of having him choose where he should live. I had this "opportunity" held over my head as a child of divorced parents and hated the responsibility (yes, it is a parental responsibility to organize custody and visitation) and emotional sword of Damocles that came with it. This is too much of an emotional and psychological burden to put on a person who is still very much a child.

If the crying still persists, talking to his school counselor, or finding a family counseling situation where he has some one-on-one in private with the counselor. It sounds like you have the best of intentions, and sometimes our kids need a completely disinterested third party before they feel comfortable revealing more uncomfortable emotions. Positing this as "we see you are sad and we all want you to be happy" might be appropriate.

I don't know you, or your family, but you sound like a very caring step-parent, and that's a wonderful thing. Reading Bettelheim's "The Good Enough Parent", he often points out that our children can't always understand in themselves why they feel (or do) what they feel (or do), so don't worry if he can't explain himself too much. If he seems depressed or despondent about it, though, consider reaching out for help. Sometimes a friendly face belonging to a neutral person--whose feelings won't be hurt by any sort of truth-- is a great thing. My best to you!

It can be anything... how is the relationship between him and his Step-dad?

If you can keep trying.... to find out why/how he feels/how come/what is going on... then of course that would be best.
No one really knows how he feels or what goes on while at his Mom's, except him.
Or some kids feel they don't want to 'tattle' or they keep secrets.
How is their 'discipline' methods?
Again, it could be many things.

have you asked him Mom/step-dad, how he is over there? Is he happy? Any problems they are not mentioning? Anything?

all the best,
Susan

Something is wrong. Maybe he is criticized or not allowed to express his opinion.
He needs to speak the truth about what is actually going on at home.
When you have him for the summer month take him to a counsellor so he can talk out his problems. It must be someone willing to tell his father what it is.
Whatever the problem is it is not nothing.