My 12 Year Old Not Doing Things I Tell Her to Even When They Would Help Her

I'm hoping you have a restraining order against your ex husband.

A 12-yr old is experiencing the first parts of puberty... which is her independence. Messy room, etc. is normal. Although we don't like it, about all we can do is harp, try to bargain and probably just be frustrated in the end.

My experience was with a son who had a messy room... one day I went in and cleaned it and threw something away accidently which totally pissed him off. What I got out of it, after the anger was over, was a perfectly clean room. I also got him a twin sofabed and coffee table... and a table for his TV and it was like a living-room/bedroom. His friends would hang out there.

I wish you the best of luck.

Hi P.,
I have two messy daughters, one 12 and one 14 years old. What I have been doing for the past couple of years is be a "broken record". I continue to ask day after day that things get picked up and put away, and I ask until the job is done. As long as I remain calm, so do my daughters. As soon as I show my frustration or anger, it becomes a battle. So, I try hard not to expect a miraculous change from them. If I expect the mess, I find it easier to remain calm when it happens. If my request is ignored too many times (ie: I've asked 3 times in the last 15 minutes and it's still not done.) I take away a privilege (loss of TV for the evening, no friends over for the coming weekend, lose phone for the rest of the day, etc.). If I stay calm while I'm taking away the privilege, they really have no argument, because they know they're wrong. Overall, it has not improved their messiness, but it has made our lives smoother. I hope this helps.

At 12 and a half both of my older girls changed. Like a switch had been flipped. Their emotional up and downs were hard to predict and so was their new teen logic. The oldest is now 17 and it took until 16 and half before she mellowed out. Now she is absolutely wonderful! Works hard, cleans without being asked, etc... My second daughter, we found out that she has a form of PMS. She has to exercise daily, eat healthy and get sunshine. It helped so much. It's leveled out her moods. Though it's not made her less messy. LOL

What I'm trying to say is to never stop trying to teach her. One day it will all come together. *hugs*

Hi P., I would let the little things go, like the library books in the car and where she puts her school books. Those are such small battles that when it comes to the big ones you will have no success. All kids are messy and it sounds like with your stress level, you want what you can control to be controlled. Remember, she is under a lot of stress too, with you starting a new career and the recent move she probably doesn't see you very much and it is affecting her. The issues with her father are also probably contributing. If these issues are the worst she is doing, than let it go, cut her some slack and maybe she will respond more positively. She could be just acting out. Make some time for her ( I know it is hard) and you two sit down together and talk whether it is at home or you do a girls day out. Your email sounds like it is all about you and what you want, think of your kids also and what they need. I know you have A LOT on your plate and I can't even begin to understand how hard this is for you, but whatever stress you are feeling, so are your kids. Pick your battles and let the little things go. With everything you are going throught the focus needs to be on you and your kids, and the personal life will come later. If you need to talk, vent or just say hi you can respond to my email to you. I hope some of this advice helped, and if I'm way off base, I'm sorry. Take care of you and your family.