My 12 Year Old Daughter Has a Hard Time Raining Her Self In.

Has she been tested for learning disabilities or AD/HD? Sometimes behavior problems are covering up feelings of inadequacy or a neurological inability to control her behavior.

If those have been ruled out, I would seek out an adolescent therapist. Either something is bothering her and she's acting out and gets some kind of reward from this, no matter how perverse, or she is very immature and has problems with impulse control. In either case, I think that a good counselor could help her out tremendously. Somehow, this behavior is satisfying a need that she has and can't articulate or probably even identify - insecurity, attention etc. - and in another year or two if she continues to act this way, it will damage her peer relationships. The disruptive kid is amusing at first but then quickly becomes irritating.

It sounds like she needs maybe a boot camp or a life lesson. If you have time, volunteer at a local childrens hospital, this will open her mind to realizing that she has it better than most and maybe needs to not take life for granted. Also, be open with her. Watch a show like intervention or something that shows how bad life can get without a proper education and drive to better yourself. Is there a sport or something physically demanding that she wants to do? If there is some kind of sport that the school offers that she wants to do then let her do it. She has to make at least passing grades to continue sports and if its something she likes she will have more drive to do it. When she if she is good, make sure to reward her with quality time to go see a movie or buy her something special. Hope this helps.

I have often recommended this book to parents with children who are exhibiting out of control behaviors:

"Back in Control: How to Get Your Children to Behave" by Gregory Bodenhamer. You can order it on Amazon for very little.

It is not a cure-all, but rather, a place to start. It gives you the language to use, the approaches to take, and how to respond when the children "push back."

Concurrently, I would suggest family counseling. Don't wait until this behavior gets so far gone, that she finds herself in the juvenile justice system.

Check with her pediatrician to rule-out any underlying medical issues. Ask the doctor for referrals to child psychologists for evaluation and for therapists for treatment.

Just because she's a "sweet little girl" doesn't mean she can get away with these unacceptable behaviors. In real life, her high school teachers won't accept this; her future bosses and co-workers won't accept this; she has to learn now. It's not about getting "mad" at her; it is about holding her accountable and responsible, because after all, you want her to grow into an accountable and responsible adult, which she won't be doing on the path she's traveling now.

Please don't delay. This isn't just a phase, and it won't go away without intervention by you/her father, the teachers/school administration, and professional assistance.

Best to you and your family.

J. F.

Boot Camp, she needs to hear it from someone else how important this time in her life is, and how it will effect her forever - and she needs to hear this NOW before she ends up with the wrong crowd. Detention IS a place where kids meet and bad things can result.

Tough love. You need to take everything out of her room except her clothes and bed. No cell phone, video games, tv or radio. You need to tell her she won't get anything back until she shows improvement. She needs to get C's (or whatever) or better, no more detention, no talking back, no clowning around, etc. Once she starts to do this for at LEAST 2 weeks straight, then she can start getting things back, and not everything at once. I think you get the idea. This actually should have been done with the first dention and acting up. You are behind in your parenting and you need to show her whose boss (if indeed this is true and you aren't a troll). Good luck.

I agree on the tough love and taking EVERYTHING away. My sister had this issue with her son. They basically cleaned out his room of all extras (tv, phone, handheld games, etc.). Then, she went to WalMart and bought 5 pairs of grey sweats. They took all of his brand name clothes and locked them away and made him wear the sweats until he started earning things back. The clothes were the kicker!! Amazing what peer pressure and a little extra motivation can do!

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I agree on the tough love and taking EVERYTHING away. My sister had this issue with her son. They basically cleaned out his room of all extras (tv, phone, handheld games, etc.). Then, she went to WalMart and bought 5 pairs of grey sweats. They took all of his brand name clothes and locked them away and made him wear the sweats until he started earning things back. The clothes were the kicker!! Amazing what peer pressure and a little extra motivation can do!