Moving from Co-sleeping to Big Boy Bed

oh gosh you just have to insist that he go to the bed otherwise he will be 12 thinking he can sleep with you, trust me I know.

I have gone through this with both of my children. Bribing usually worked. One way I found that worked was by restricting them from doing certain things because it was only for "big boys".When he says he is a big boy, explain to him that big boys sleep in the bed by themselves and when he starts to do that you'll let him do "big boy" activities. I can't make any promises, but it worked really well with my son who was attatched to me at the hip. He still loves his mommy but he is a "big boy" now and being a man of the house he gets certain incentives without actually bribing him.

Same thing happened to me with 2 kids! What I did was buy toddler beds (still small but just like a big kid bed) and put them in my room next to my bed. So we still slept in the same room just not the same bed. When the kids would wake up in the middle of the night, I would say - here I am! See, I'm right here! And they would stay in their beds. After about 10 months of that (almost a year), they were fine sleeping in their own beds and we moved the beds into their own rooms. It went fine after that. Then bought them twin beds and it was even better for them - then they really felt like big kids. So they were probably 3 1/2 by the time it was all said and done. So if you don't want them to cry it out - it will take a long time.

I have a husband, a 4 month old and an almost 3 year old in my bed!!! Talk about no space. I feel your pain. I think that there are things to consider before making the switch. Most people don't realize, not long ago including me, that things like co-sleeping and extended breastfeeding are intended to let the child tell us when they are ready to stop. when your son feels safe and ready to be independent, he'll be comfortable in his own bed.

However, if you want to make changes now, I would say go slow, or you may ruin the great deed you've done over the past 2 years. Good things do indeed come to those who wait.

My 3 year old slep quite well in his own bed, until the baby came.....I put his twin bed, which was at the same level as mine, next to our king, but with a bed side table in the middle. I would read a story while laying on his bed. Then give him his kisses, etc. Then hold hands with him across the table. when he got scared, I would tell him, "Mama is right here, right next to you. Have I ever let any bad come to you?", no, "Have I ever skipped a minute of loving you?", no, "You sleeping in a perfect sized big boy bed won't change that." And if that didn't work...I would ask him to look into my eyes as I made up a story. If he woke up at night and climed into bed with us, so be it. It only took a couple of weeks for him to feel safe, with maybe a few moans, but no tears.

When the baby came he asked why he couldn't sleep with me. As a person who tries to be truthful and not sugur coat things, I couldn't find a good reason.....

Hi A.
I too have been co-sleeping. My boy is 26 months and shows no sign of wanting his own bed. This still works for us, as he doesn't move much in sleep and he is small.

When moving him we plan to keep a mattress for him in the room with us or I may sleep with him on his bed. I don't plan to try this until he is 3. I think that Dr. Sears had some suggestions for weening from co-sleeping in "The Baby Book".

Let me know if you find something that works. Since we will be going through this I could probably use some advice too.
-R.

I'm sorry to repeat advice, but I feel it may help you.Another mother had simular issues and this is what I recomended to her. Please sub she for he, you get the idea. Good luck. I hope this helps, if not, it may be fun anyway. You will need...Poster board, siccors, velcro, and either printed pictures, or some cut from a magazine, or some colored by your child, for the following...
Bath, Potty, Toothbrush, Wash hands, or other parts of prebedroom activities. Have one posterboard cirle with the words (you can do it) on top, and one with (You did it) on top. Place vecro on these, either strips, or squares. Each activity she completes have her move the picture. When she is done in the bathroom, you move to another in the bed room, or put it all together in the hall. On the bedroom, put her PJ's, and book, and any other you do before bed, and do the same. Or, you could just put up a strip with the picteres already where they go in the order they should be done, and she can move a picture of a teddy or baby doll, down the line until she gets to the part where you have done it all but the sleep in her own be. When she puts this picture or marker in it's place, have her walk with you to her bed, hug her and say a few loving words, then walk out. By the time she gets to the bed, she may be excited to sleep on her own. Repetition is the key. If she gets up, just put her back, again and again. Don't give up. It will work out.

A.,

I'm a mother of three boys and have had that problem myself at times. The best way that has worked for us is a multiple of things for make sure you have a bedtime routine. We say prayers, read a story, and sing a song or two with our kids in their rooms with them in their beds. If they don't stay in their rooms with they lights off we usually loosen the light bulb and put a baby gate in the doorway with the door open. If you raise the baby gate high enough they can't climb over it and low enough that they can't crawl under it. Then when he has fallen asleep take the gate down. If they come in in the middle of the night we make them bring their pillow and blanket and make them sleep on the floor. Enough nights of that and they usually prefer sleeping in their own bed. If not at least you have your bed back.

Try a night light so that the room isn't dark and scary. Then try to find some snuggly for him maybe a special blankie or stuffed animal. Let him choose how to decorate his room. If this is a room that he's proud of he may be a lot more welcome to sleeping there. You may also want to add some music or white noise to the room. With him use to sleeping with you guys it may be too quite in his own room. You could also think about adding a small pet to his room so that they can keep each other company.

If he climbs into your bed at night and if it wakes you up you may want to help him back into his own bed again. I know this means interupted sleep but I'm figuring that your already getting that with him in bed with you.

Hi A., We are also a co-sleeping family, so I can relate to your question. I highly recommend Dr. Jay Gordon's book on sleep. Here is a link to his website: http://www.drjaygordon.com/development/ap/sleep.asp
I think that a gentle way of making the transition for your son would be to start with his big boy mattress on the floor next to your bed, so he gets used to his own sleep space. Then you can gradually move the mattress into his own room. I definitely would avoid just letting him cry because you want him to have happy associations with going to bed. Good luck!

Try this book - No Cry Sleep Solution for Toddlers by Elizabeth Pantley.

We read, say prayers, massage her little tootsies (sesame oil is best), but my daughter never sleeps in my bed (and never has) unless a noise occasionally frightens her or she's sick. She's not allowed to use anything but a trampoline as a trampoline. She loves her big girl bed/room and takes big time ownership of it. She loved her toddler bed just the same. I am curious to know distinction in the emotional well being of a child who co-sleeps versus one who never has.

I've always been perplexed about co-sleeping and am even more confused after reading these posts. The separation seems so traumatic (crying, waking up in the middle of the night, going from bed to bed, etc.). I'm assuming the overall the benefit outweighs difficult separation. Could someone please shed some light on this for me.

Hi A., I did it with out even trying. I was a single mom for 3 years and for 2 1/2 years he always slept with me. I don't go to bed at the same time, but have a toddler bed in my room and started laying him down in that. I went to bed later and yes he would make his way some times but when I would notice I would lay him back into his bed. he was to tired to notice. But my son sleeps later than me so he usually doesn't make it to my bed till after he wakes up. He got his own room about 6 months ago and has been doing fine, comes in the morning and sometimes at night but very few times. I really understand the take up the whole bed thing. Now he's in a twin bed and sleeps in his room till morning. I know there wher were a few times I told him to go back to his bed and he wasn't happy but he went. It just took a little time and patients.

I, too, let our 7 year old sleep with us when she was still breastfeeding because it was easier to just roll over and let her nurse vs. getting out of bed. I also didn't feel comfortable leaving her in a room by herself. She stopped breastfeeding at two and a half years old but continued to sleep with my husband and me until she was 5 years old. She never wanted to go into her own bedroom. We moved to Los Angeles for two years to a small apartment and asked her if she wanted one of the rooms to be hers. And she said Yes. Obviously I can only speak from experience and I would think that when your son is ready he will move to his own room. Two years old is still young.

Hope that helps. I used to weigh and measure everything I did and worry about at what age this should be happening and I've learned to the benefit of my second child who is now two, that everything changes when it's supposed to.

A.,

Maybe you could start a new bedtime routine that takes place in his big boy bed. Snuggle with him while reading a story or two and then have him go to bed there. At first, when he wakes up and comes to your bed you can comfort him but take him back to his bed. You can even stay with him for a bit in his big boy bed. You could give a few of your closer neighbors a heads up about what you are attempting to do and I'm sure they will understand. Maybe you can try this new routine during the weekend when people tend to have more lax schedules. I had to do this with my daughter(now 12) and I spent several nights falling asleep with her in her new bed, but it was worth it. Good luck!

My "chronic chaser" spouse left the household when my son was four and my daughter was six. The ensuing year was difficult. At the end of a difficult day, it was easy to go with the flow and let my son share a king-sized bed. He wanted to be there, I loved him and that seemed appropriate at the time. I was able to move him to his bedroom by age eleven. So was this wrong to accomodate and love a child, I do no think so. My "gut" reaction was to be there and love my child and after all, a king sized bed is pretty big.

L.

I see this is an older thread and I do not have time to read all 23 responses so I apologize if this has already been posted, but I want to share that what we did was bring our son's "big boy bed" into our room when he was 18 months. We let him play/pretend with stuffed animals and dolls in it and nap in it and then eventally he slept in it. We let him stay in our room (in his todler bed) while his baby brother was in the Arms Reach co-sleeping sidecar. Two and a half years later, they both sleep through the night most nights (between ten and twelve hours) because they sleep together in their own room! For us, it was worth the two and a half years of co-sleeping/rooming in to build trust, encourage developmentally appropriate feelings like being afraid/not wanting to separate from mom and dad at night, and monitor sleep in those vulnerable first years, when it leads to gloriously long stretches of relaxation and sleep for us now! Also, I have to ask everyone in general: Do you like to sleep all alone in a separate room by yourself or do you sleep with your spouse or significant other? Think about it, and maybe you can begin to understand why a 2 year old wouldn't want to do so, especially all of the sudden. We are the only country (and generation) that puts our littlest ones to sleep in separate rooms. Any mamas interested in the historical and cultural significance of co-sleeping would enjoy reading Attachment Parenting by Katie Allison Granju and The Family Bed by Tine Thevenin.

Hi A.,
My daughter Anya is a month a way from turning five. She still sleeps with us but is talking on her own about wanting her own space. We are in the process of building her a bedroom. I know that for me it was a little daunting to hear other moms tell me their five year old was still sleeping with them when Anya was younger, but I have really enjoyed our arrangement. Like you said, this is special time especially as our kids get older and want less and less snuggles during the day. Bedtime is when Anya tells me the most amazing things that I wouldn't expect she was thinking about at all and wake up time is just as cozy. My husband and I have another bed in the house so being intimate isn't an issue as some people think and ask me about. The bottom line though, is that I am not willing to undo the beautifully trusting and connected relationship we have developed by forcing her out of our bed before she is ready. I facilitate an attachment parenting group here in Tucson that meets once a month and discusses issues just like this. If you would like to be put on the list for those meetings, please call me at ###-###-####. The next meeting is scheduled for the Sunday after Easter.
Warmly,
F.

Hi A.!

I have had 3 co-sleepers...Still have my 6 year old sleeping with me (that will be changing soon). What I have done with the other 2 older kids that worked is put a toddler bed next to my bed or have them sleeping on the floor next to me. We hold hands usually until they fall asleep. Then we go from out of our bed to the toddler bed/floor to there own room. It takes some time, but it works out in the end. Hope to have helped. Good luck!

Oh...A friend of mine made a mommy doll by tracing herself(with help) onto a bed sheet (cut out 2)sew it, and stuff it, then use fabric markers to color / make a face ect.

A.

A.,

I don't know if there's any other method. I live in an apartment, too, and when I started making my son sleep by himself in his big boy bed, we had a couple of rough nights. I started by only making him go to sleep in the bed and then allowing him to come in to me in the middle of the night if he woke up. After he was used to that, I told him to go back and sleep in his own bed when he tried to come to me. The first night was terrible. He cried for about an hour. The second night, he cried about 30 minutes. By the 4th night, he just went back to his bed and went back to sleep. When I started the process, I had envisioned weeks of keeping my neighbors awake and of my nerves and his being frazzled by the ordeal, but it wasn't really that bad. Of course we did this at about 18 months, so I don't know if your son will respond as well at 2 1/2, considering that he's more used to sleeping with you.

I also have a confession to make. Now that he is trained and well used to his own bed (He's 2 now), I do let him come into me in the middle of the night once in a while. Most of the time, he sleeps through the night in his bed but about once or twice a week, he comes to cuddle his Mama. For us, this has been good. I get my space and he gets extra love sometimes. I had to wait until he was very used to sleeping in his own bed, though, before I could allow him to come in occasionally.

No matter what advise you get, you really have to decide what is best for you and your family. No two families are alike, so don't feel guilty if you don't do things as quickly or as smoothly as others that you know. I do a lot of praying about how I'm going to handle situations and God really gives me wisdom about what will work well with MY kids.

R.

Set a day to do it - there is no perfect gradual way - - and he'll know what's going on regardless. The morning you're goign to do it - wake up with him & say, "Tonight you get to sleep in your big boy bed - Let's go pick out some sheets together!" Remember the more enthusiastic you are about this, the more he will be. Then go to the store and let him pick out some fun sheets that fit his bed. Go home & put them on together and have him take his nap in his bed...then that night start your new ritual - bath, brush teeth, read story, rub his back, and lullaby. You may have to stay in there the first night until he falls asleep - maybe let him take one of your nightshirts or pillows in with you so he has the comfort of "Mom" with him.

Hi Mom.
My kids never slept with me, nor did they use the bed as a trampoline. But I have a suggestion.
You said that you tried bribing and it did not work.
I assume that he is a god and loving little boy but a little bit spoiled. I say that only because you said that you work full time and feel guilty that you do not spend enough time with him.
So,I also assume that he gets snacks, desserts and a toy once in a while. Am I right?

I would simply say. You are a big boy now and from tonight on you will be sleeping in your room, in your bed and Mommy will be sleeping in her room and her bed.
There will not be any coming in my room at night.
I would talk to him and explain that he is to big to be sleeping with mommy.
Make it fun. Reed him a book or two. Put a clock radio in his room. Put it on one hour sleep so it shuts of by it self. Buy a toy that he really wants. Put it so that he can see it but not get to it. Put a snack that he loves next to it and say that if he sleeps in his room all night he will get the toy and the snack.

Sounds easy right.
Now to the hard part.
You have to stick to your guns. He can not have that toy or that snack *or any other snacks* unless he sleeps in his room all night.
You can not give in.

Next night you do the same thing. Reed,talk and put the radio on for one hour, let him know the rules again and walk out.
If he come up or in your room. No toy, no snacks or dessert all day.
After one week or so if it does not work I would start taking away one favorite toys. Explain to him why and go on with your new bed routine.
Try it.
Good luck. Do not give in and you will have your bedroom to yourself again.
S.

I also have a 2 1/2 year old--a girl--who we have co-slept with since birth, who was also breast-fed, who also has a big girl bed that she doesn't use yet. I also think she should be transitioned to her own bed, especially now that we have a new baby being breast fed. It gets a bit crowded, even in a king sized bed. I'd like to try a toddler bed next to ours, but our room isn't big enough for it. Maybe try a toddler bed if you can fit one next to yours, then, eventually , with some time and talking, preparation, he'll sleep in his bed.

Hello well you can try sleeping in his room with him or taking his bed into your room as a way to get him more comfortable with it. We also co-slept with my two kids for a while. My son was 2 1/2 and daughter 14 mos and I tried other ways but after 3 years of little sleep I chose the cry it out method and about 3 days for both and they were pretty much sleeping on their own. Don't get me wrong is was very heart breaking and I felt so bad that I allowed them to be this old before moving them but we got through it. We also live in an apartment but now we have our bed back!! So I loved sleeping with my kids and it was actually my hubby who wanted them out but once they were in their own beds I was like hey this is nice. Well good luck.

I am very familiar with your situation, as we are working through it as I type! My daughter is 2 1/2 and has always slept with us too, but as you put it, she was becoming an official bed hog..LOL! So, we got her a big girl bed and put it next to our bed. We developed a relaxing bed time routine, and then I lay down with her in her bed until she falls asleep. At first, she would crawl out of her bed and get into ours around 3am or so, but I would just put her back in her bed and lay with her until she went back to sleep again. We have been doing this for about 2 weeks now. Last night she actually asked to sleep in her own bed, and when I woke up this morning, she was still there! So, hopefully we are at the end, but I will keep you posted on the final outcome.

We have been in a similar situation. Our son is also 2 1/2 and while we intended on having him in his own bed from the start, different things ended us in a "co-sleeping" situation also. I completely understand the full-time aspect. This has been our situation as well. I realize that what works for one child doesn't for another, and there are all different theories. There are probably several people out there that would think our technique is wrong. It all comes down to finding what works for you.

That being said, we still were able to do it. There were a few things that helped for us. Of course, there is still the occaisonal night where he is determined that he belongs with us, but most nights he does pretty well. First, when you say "big boy bed" is that a toddler bed or a real bed? I ask because that was the biggest key with us. Since Oliver has been used to a "real" mattress, he could instantly realize the difference when he was put down on a toddler/crib mattress. We also tried having a separate bed for him in our room for the first week or so, to get him used to being on his own, but having us close. We then moved to his room and one of us would lay and read him stories and then turn out the light, but stay with him (one of us would literally lay on his bed with him) until he fell asleep. It only took maybe two weeks before he'll go in and lay down and cover himself up all by himself. One of us will still go in and read him his story, but we can then leave the room, even if he's still awake, and he does pretty well staying put. We also discovered that his nightlight was apparently too bright. One night when the bulb burnt out, he slept straight through, and we've had better nights ever since.

Hope something in all of this helps!

I didn't have this exact problem - my daughter wouldn't stay in her bed when it wasn't a crib. We would go in and lay with her until she fell asleep. If she woke up in the night, we would do it again. Not much fun, but better than the crying - especially as there is nothing to keep them in bed anymore!! When she would ask how come one of us wasn't in bed with her in the morning, we would say we wanted to help her get to sleep, but the bed is to small for us and we have our own bed to sleep in.

I had a similar problem with my daughter and this is what I did, maybe it will work. I started a bedtime routine that included music and a lavendar lotion rubdown and put her to bed in her bed and then stayed with her right next to the bed, half way laying on the bed (this is not always comfortable)until she fell asleep. When she woke up in the middle of the night and came to me I got up (this part is not fun) and put her back in bed the same way. Soon she was triggered by the routine to and feel asleep quickly and my stay in her room is not very long anymore but we still get the bedtime bonding routine. She wakes up at night less now too. Good luck, I know how hard and exhausting sleep issues are!

I have been wondering how it was going to be when my 11 month son gets his own room! We are also co-sleeping, my husband had to move back in with his father, and our son and I had to move in with my parents due to financial reasons. (my older brother is also living with us while he is going to school) We are sharing one room, and he has a perfectly good crib that he wants nothing to do with, which is fine with me, because I, too, work full time while his day care and my mother get to raise him. I am still breastfeeding him only at night.

I don't know how well this would work, but on Super-Nanny, she would have the parents go through the bedtime routine, lay them down, say goodnight, and if they got up in the middle of the night, the parents, without saying a word to the child, would take the childs hand and gently lead them back to their own room, tuck them in, and leave the room again. I think on that episode, the first night that process went on about 5 times, and the child finally gave up. I wish you the best of luck, and please let me know what finally works!

~Jen

Hi A.,
sometimes having a space for him to sleep in your room, not in your bed, like a sleeping bag or maybe even moving his bed into your room for a bit, may help him to feel close to you while not taking up bed space. I recommend Elizabeth Pantly's No Cry Sleep Solution. She has many age appropriate suggestions to help with the sleep issues. I'm sure it will all work out, it just may take a little time for the adjustment.
Good luck,
E.