Moving and Dealing with Husbands Fami Bu

When you move, immediately:

Set ground rules. First with your husband himself. Does he consider himself close to his family? Does he plan to spend a lot more time with them "now that we live so close!" and very importantly -- has he defended you in the past and entirely taken your side when his family members have talked like this about you? If not -- HUGE problem. He needs to back you 100 percent. If he is going to let you handle them yourself, he is asking for you to resent him and for your marriage to be damaged. You and he have to talk about what it means for you to be living close to his family when you have these issues with them.

And set ground rules with him about family visits and expectations. Are you and he and your child going to be expected to attend every birthday dinner, holiday celebration, etc. all year? Will you be talked about and blackballed if you don't? Do you anticipate that the relatives will drop in unannounced? (That would never, ever work for me.) Again HE and you both have to agree on boundaries or there will be constant friction.

And for yourself: Immediately get out and find your own circle of friends. Whether it's at a new church or other house of worship; through a sport you play for fun; in a moms' group; anywhere -- find your own friends. You cannot end up just hanging out with the relatives by default. You must be able to say, "I'm going out this Saturday afternoon with my (whatever) club for an event" and your husband must be willing to give you that time. (And not just shove the kid at his parents or relatives to look after.)

Why are you making this move? If it's not for a very, very good reason, I would seriously question being in the same area as his family. Be ready to set boundaries and stick to them, but most of all, get him sticking up for you. And do find those friends of your own.

Let the past stay in the past - don't hold grudges. Treat everyone the way YOU want to be treated; with respect, kindness - most folks deserve second chances. I wouldn't trust his relatives with my most secret thoughts, but I'd be pleasant, cordial and act like their accusations were in a different lifetime. Who really cares anyway - they were completely unfounded and incorrect. If you keep holding onto it, it's like carrying around a bag of rocks - no one but you is burdened by it!!!! Drop it now before the move and leave it in El Paso!!!!

First off, your husband should be standing up for you with his family.
Second, you can't change anyone's behavior or thoughts except your own. They will not change their opinion of you. Be civil, be pleasant. Spend only as much time as you have to with them. Find your own friends (through your son's school and other activities) quickly.

Moving is always hard, then add to that the thought of moving to a rough environment - that would definitely be tough.

I have found that most people will respond in person to the way they are being treated. If you work on always being nice, you will be treated better than if you let the rudeness out just because it is "your nature." I always tell people that they sure can control their behavior when their grandmother or a nun is in the room, so it is a poor excuse to say that it just happens naturally.

Figure out why you are being rude. Is it because you are uneasy, feel threatened or insecure, or you would rather be somewhere else? Don't assume people are being rude to you. For example, if someone says that your son doesn't look like your husband, don't assume they are saying that he is not his. Just assume that they don't see the resemblance. Give people the benefit of the doubt and shrug it off. It is more pleasant to assume the best (even if you're wrong). I don't have enough energy to add any more negativity to my day. I'd rather be wrong and be happy.

Don't lie, but don't say something just because it is the truth. If someone asks if you like their brisket, just say something positive. If you don't like it, say, "I can't believe how tender it is" or if it is really tough, just say, "This sauce is delicious." You have to be clever. If someone says something rude to you, DO NOT respond with a rude comment. Just say, "I'm sorry you feel that way and/or just walk away as if it didn't even phase you. It takes work if you are used to responding in a rude way, but it can be done. Take pride in staying calm, cool and collected. You become the winner in the situation if you can stay calm and smile. People will be amazed. It will allow them to want to get to know you sooner. Besides, do you want them to have their bad thoughts confirmed.

Compliment people whenever possible. If you like their home, an outfit, a serving bowl, the dessert, etc., be sure to make a genuine compliment. People also like it when you compliment their children. Ask about people's jobs, hobbies, how long they have lived in that house, if it took a long time to find that house, whatever. If you take the time to ask about people, you will not look like you are a self-centered kind of person. If you are not a people person, then you probably have not had many good friends. You may find one of his family members to be very nice and become a good friend. It takes a risk to stop focusing on your feelings and get to know other people.

If you keep to yourself, you will come across as rude and stuck up, as if you are too good for them. When you don't make pleasant conversation with people, they will probably assume the worst about you - uncaring, you don't like them, you are better than them, etc.

The best way to handle the move is to start looking for the positives. You get to start over in a lot of different areas. Are you creative? Do you like making a house a home? Are you an organizer? Do you like to garden? Find something to look forward to. Help your kids do the same. Ask how they want to decorate their new rooms with what they have. Start making plans. It can be done very inexpensively if you help them to focus on using what they have now or what can be made inexpensively. If you focus on helping them get excited about the move, that will help you.

I have had to move 9 times in my marriage so I have lots of experience. The times that I dreaded the move, it was a lot harder on everyone.

This is something you really need to discuss with your husband, NOW.
Is he close to his family? Does he expect to spend a lot of time with them? If yes, then you will need to at least tolerate them to some extent, even if you all don't like each other. And there should certainly be some boundaries in place that you both agree on.
If your husband is the one who accused you of cheating, well then I could see why maybe they don't *like* you, though again, if your husband truly loves and respects you then they should at least be tolerant of you, and he needs to make sure they understand that.
As far as telling people you don't like them, or being rude because it's in your "nature" well that just sounds kind of immature and reflects poorly on your part. I think that's something you need to work on. I mean, we attract people based on the vibe we put out there, you know? If you are a friendly, open, easy going and compassionate kind of person then those are the kinds of people you will attract. And I think especially because you are moving to a new place where you won't know anyone but your inlaws makes it even MORE important to reach out and make some friends. Otherwise you could very possibly end up being very bitter and lonely :(

Boundaries. I live 10 minutes from my inlaws and actually see less of them than I like. I would talk to your DH about your concerns and how he can help you manage things with them.

ooh sounds like me. i just blurt. i have been told by several people i am brutaly honest. i find it amusing when ppl do not like me to be extra squeeky clean super sweet nice. it gives them no reason to be mean to me. also to make the the accusations silly and dumb with my tone of voice. while nothing is as seriouse as what you say when it comes to the inlaws family accusing me of things they have been rather rude. like once i purchased dinner from a local momand pop burger place only in our town and one lady wanted a extra large burger (the burger she got was in no way dinky it just wasnt taking up half the plate like the other one does) i kindly offered for me to run quickly back and get her another one. she assured me it wasok but brought it up several times and it really began to embarass me as i made the mistake (she did not tell me she wanted the special extra large size) and I could not fix it. That is when I realize even my kind offers to fix the problem werent what she was seeking. So then I chalked it up to it was her issue and left it alone. I also keep my space with her and do not offer my hand out or try to keep in contact. PPl can be so strange when it comes to inlaws espically. Its like they arent happy for the spouse but angery that you are taking him away from his family. Instead of realizing if they would welcome you also instead of put up a force feild that you could all be very happy and spend more time together. This was the only situation where I did not get along very well with my inlaws. All the other times I was friends with inlaws(boyfriends, ex husband). All church members, people I encounter. There are about two men who I have worked with who I do not care for at all. Other than that even with my brutaly honest opnions and blurts I get along pretty well with others. That is why I understand it is there issue and there loss for not welcoming me and being rude or standoffish. Mostly they are attacking eachother and dont get along with in the family. Its always drama and a sit backwith your popcorn and watch the soap oprah right in my own living room.
as far as finding friends in a new city i would start with churches, hobby groups, or hang outs where you can meet ppl. if you have small kids, the playground, library kids reading groups, toddler time at the gym or just striking up conversations with people . let them know your new to town and looking for friends or ppl to hang out with and what there hobbies or intreasts are. frisbey golf groups or somthing you havent tried before. its kinda fun.!!! Good luck. I bet they will like you once they get to know you. Oh and a friend of mine too a class and they told her if she asks a favor from someone it subconciously makes the other person think of you as a friend because they would not do a favor for a enemy or someone they did not care for. kinda sneaky but asking for a ride or to borrow a small appliance...crock pot. might subconcisouly trick them into a different frame of mind.

I think Leigh R deserves a million flowers for her advice...I think she covered all of the basis.