How do you motivate your kids when they want to give up without trying? I want to write an article or blog and would like your input.
Yes - i think motivation is very important. Letting a child know that they can try something new and if it doesn't work they still at least had a chance to try it out and now they can go on to something else is all a part of life.
I like the "no yelling," too! But I've known some people who can handle yelling from people whom they are *sure* love them. A childhood friend had a father who yelled; she said calmly, "Oh, he's not mad at me. It's just the way he is, blowing his stack like that. He can't help himself." I still remember how she said it.
Most kids seem to give up without trying when they think they will be criticized or ridiculed if they do try. Nobody wants to seem a fool. If they can try whatever they want to do in a stress-free environment, it can be encouraging. The problem is to find a stress-free environment - have you seen any lately? Me neither. But sometimes parents can provide it. Just to give it a try gets a reward. Doesn't matter whether they succeed or do passably well or fail miserably - the praise is ONLY for giving it a try.
This past weekend I heard a young girl (teenager) sing a solo in front of a lot of people, many of whom she didn't know well. She probably could have sung better - she was very nervous - but the fact that she did it at all was enough for praise. As she keeps doing it she'll be more comfortable and sound better. (She was the first one on the program, too - that should give her another prize!)
It seems to me that kids can sometimes give each other that sort of environment if they want to and know how. They can set a rule among them that just trying the adventure is the aim, and there's absolutely no competition - or criticism - allowed! That may go against the grain, since even young children are taught that competition is life. But competition can be set aside in this venue. They're playing a different game here!
I guess a starting point is helping them find a neutral place within themselves to first see if it's something they really want to achieve or do. If it is, then see if they can sense what is getting in their way - know how, lack of confidence, feeling it's impossible etc. That I feel lets them become engaged in the process of discovery which can as well be empowering to them - along with taking some of our nagging and insisting out of the equation! (been there, done that!!)
Neat that you are inquiring about this.
I think asking questions about their reluctance to trying is important if our children have this level of self-expression. "What do you think might happen?" is one. Some children have a fear of failure, for whatever reasons. for older children, offering open-ended discussion is important.
There are other times, though, when our children 'don't want to' put on shoes or another task they are capable of. This is when I give them space and set them to the task, with a simple "Well, I need you to put on those shoes before we go outside. I see you aren't ready yet, so I'm going to go take care of something else (dishes, packing a diaper bag...whatever else that removes the focus of attention from the child) and I'll check in with you when I'm finished." This allows me to pull away from the situation, conveys the message that I feel the child is capable and also reassures them that, if they still have trouble, I'll come back and offer help. Sometimes, too, kids are wanting connection from us parents, so they 'can't' do things they are capable of, like dressing oneself or other self-care tasks. (This is why your tyypical 3-5 year old regresses horribly before preschool/kindergarten with "I don't know hooooowww..." as they are getting ready in the morning. What they really mean is "I want you to do it with me, and if I act capable, you won't!")
I think, in both areas, the motivation comes from my confidence in the child's abilities and the promise that they aren't alone in facing challenges. If we can suss out what it is that our children are needing (contact with us, a boost to their confidence...or are they not trying because the task isn't interesting to them and they'd prefer to do something else...) That's how I see it, anyway. Intrinsic motivation always trumps external incentive in the long run!
Encouragement - when my son gets disappointed that he cannot do something, I tell him "Yes you can", he says "No I can't", I say "If at first you don't succeed, try, try, and try again"....then I show him how it can be done and be excited about it, and motivate him to try...
No yelling. My husband tends to yell when they give up or don't do perfection. I tell my kids that you don't know how you'll do if you don't try. You cannot fail if you at least try and you may succeed more than you thought.
My daughter gives up on some things too....things that are beyond her ability. As a teacher I learned, and have to remember with my 4-year-old, that kids need scaffolding. That means for certain tasks they need support and they do best by being helped just enough. Let the tension build a little (that's how they get motivated to solve a problem) but help before the frustration builds up too much. For example, my daughter is not great at puzzles. If I just tell her to play with the puzzle (beyond her abilities) it's too much for her. She needs the support of having the steps repeated to her....turn the pieces over, work on the edges or a specific part of the picture, look for colors, etc. In other words, it needs to be broken down into doable steps. Staying positive with all of it is important. I always acknowledge to my daughter that some things are tricky and not always easy for a little girl and she accepts that....but doesn't transfer that to ALL she does. Good luck. I understand how frustrating it can be to just watch them give up....but they need us to not give up on trying to reach them and figure out WHY they are giving up.
The no yelling response was on target.
My husband is a great athlete, golf, and it can be a roller coaster. One quote we use to this day and is framed in our house is
"Never Give Up". He has a special award at his undergrad school and they asked him for a quote and he said he always kept the never give up in his mind.
We live by this with our current business, his golfing, our daughter and her education and activities. Nothing is beyond reach....never give up.
I tell my Son that it takes time to learn something new and we have to keep trying until we can do it!
