Mother's Separation Anxiety

You know this is a good time to put him in preschool. It will help him prepare for Kindergarten. There are lots of things that he'll need to know BEFORE entering kindergarten that he may not know yet, and if you did teach him those things then he'll just learn more in the way of social skills and following directions.

Have him help you pick a school. That will help him adjust to it. And will help you feel better about the whole thing.

5 years old is old enough for school. He should be able to start Kindergarden a few months after he starts preschool. I'd say if he was younger than 5 that would be rough, but a 5 year old is at the age for school.

Don't feel guilty but also, be sure you're not putting your own fears onto your son. Evne tho it's hard, talk excitedly about preschool. When you drop him off for the first few days, you could stay a few minutes but after a couple of days, I suggest you make your good-byes short & sweet. Don't linger & draw out the drama or your son may feed off of it. This is good for your son & for you. We all need time away from our kids & be re-fuel. It will be good for your son to make new friends & bond w/other adults & also good for you to have some time to yourself. Time to take a class or get some projects done at home, meet up w/friends for coffee or lunch. It's important that your son build his own identity seperate from you & that you do the same. Good luck!

"Some moms start daycare when their kids are infants, you did the right thing and stayed home."

I think it is great that you have been able to stay home with your son for this long. But, I must say that I don't agree that you should feel it is "right" or "wrong" when it comes to staying home or leaving a child in preschool. My daughter just started preschool(well, daycare) 2 weeks ago at 5 months old. I don't have the option to stay home with her. Yes, it is hard. Yes, I cried. But it gets better and it is nice to have a break and come to her with all of my attention at the end of the day.
I have to agree that it will be much better for your son to get used to being at school before starting kindergarten. I believe the transition will be a lot easier for both of you to get used to it now because he will be in "big kid" school very soon!

N.,

You're sad because this truly makes you realize how old your son really is.

I went through the same thing with my daughter. What I felt was somewhere between sadness and pride. I knew didn't like the separation, however preschool was good for her.

Both my girls went to preschool and from the first day of kindergarten, I could see how great going to preschool was. There were huge differences between the kids who went to preschool and those who didn't. I hope you find peace in the fact that when your son starts kinder in the fall, he will be much better behaved. Every year, my girls teachers are always impressed with how well behaved they are and how well this listen. I know preschool is what set them apart.

As you settle into your new job, you will find it easier to handle the separation and be even more excited to see him in the afternoon. When he tells you about the friends he making and what he's learning, you will know be happy he's in school.

N., I'm a pre-school teacher & let me tell you almost every mom I know have felt sad to leave their child at school. The transition time is the hardest. If possible, before your son starts take him to see the school...play with kids & just check out the new surrounding. Also, it would be a good time for you to chat with teachers, watch your child interact with others, & just get afeel for the school.

On your both first day of pre-school (yes, it is your first day as well since you'll be giving him to someone else to care for him in your absence), don't make the good-bye long. It will be harder on BOTH of you. Give yourself a time limit about 10 minutes...introduce him to his new surroundings. When you leave, tell him you love him that you'll miss him. Let him know you'll be back around what time (& teachers too, so they can help him know when that is in his day). DEFINITELY, say good-bye...a hug, a kiss, or however you communicate you love him (some parents come up with special ways like sign language I love you as they drive/walk away).

The first month, he'll have his good days & sad days (don't we all). After that month, you'll really see how you feels & thinks about the school. Monday is always the hardest for them to come, but usually the parents have a hard time getting the child to leave. I hope this helps. I'll pray that the transition will be good on all of you! M~

As long as you picked a good preschool it will do the opposite of traumatize him! Preschool is great, he'll get to make friends, learn, and be ready for kindergarten. Don't feel guilty at all. My daughter was ready & needed/wanted preschool by the time she was 2. She needed other kids! Make a big deal out of the first day, get a new lunchbox, outfit, take pictures, tell him what a big boy he is. He'll love it.

Stop feeling guilty. Even though your son enjoys and needs the time he spends with you, he also needs to be around other children. When my daughter was five, I wept as I dropped her off at school for the first time--and she wept when I picked her up--because she didn't want to leave! A friend of mine with older children applauded and said that this was an indication that my daughter felt confident enough to pursue new relationships!

Dear N.,
Its so hard to say goodbye to our kids. They are the joy of a mother's heart. Still, you need to work and that is simply something you can't avoid. At some point we all have to separate from our kids. I found with my boys that they adjusted fairly well to being in school. Kids love to learn, and they love to play. With so many other children, they quickly begin to learn new things and playing is a whole new world at recess with so many children. Your son will enjoy this new experience and the time will fly by for him. Since he is older at five, he should not have any real problems. You will no doubt suffer the separation more than he. Hope it works out easily! Ev

I truly believe your son will be fine. You are not the only one that feels guilty about this, but he has already been in school so having him there the whole day should not be a big problem. When my son went to Kinder I arranged to have him there only half days. He was perplexed about leaving when the other kids were staying, and really wanted to stay like the rest of the kids, so we changed and he was content. Be very upbeat about this and you should not have any trouble. Good luck and congratulations on your husband's new job in this tough job market.

If your son is 5 now, will he be starting kindergarten this fall or the following year? My husband and I were torn about about putting our son in preschool a few years ago, but we thought the structure and socialization would be good for our active little guy. He was younger than your son, so it took a bit of adjustment for him. Once he felt comfortable, he loved playing and learning with the other children. In his current preschool, he loves his teachers, has made some great friends, and has learned the alphabet, how to write his name, numbers and much else to prepare him for kindergarten this fall. If you've chosen a good preschool, he should feel nurtured by the directors and teachers and thrive in this new environment. Play close attention to how he's treated, especially when the teachers don't notice you're there; we found a big difference in how our son was treated in his first preschool (teacher seemed a bit disengaged from the kids) from the one he's in currently (teachers genuinely caring and loving). Hope it all goes well!

N.,
Actually this will do him some good and he will be doing even better for kindergarten next year. It will help ease him into the transition. But don't be surprized if he has
an issue the first few days of kindergarten anyway, because it will be new unfamiliar territory, and new faces as well, everything should be fine.
W.

It's normal to feel a sad about leaving your kids, but you have to be strong for him. He will sense your guilt and nervousness and will latch on to that. By the way, you said your son is 5? Is he a summer baby? Is there a reason he isn't starting Kindergarten right now? He is most likely going to be older than all the kids in Preschool since most 5 year olds are in Kindergarten (unless, he's a summer baby or course. In that case you can put him in or hold him back til next year).

I know how you feel. Your feelings are completely normal. I myself felt that way when I first put my child in preschool. It can be a scary thing to a parent and child, but once your child gets to know his teachers/caregivers, and sees all the other children that are there and he starts to make friends, he will most likely enjoy going to preschool. It's actually a very positive thing for a child to attend preschool. He'll be making friends, playing, learning, and being around others which will help him to not have hurt feelings when you and dad need to either take him to daycare when ever you need to, and therefore he will not suffer from separation anxiety. You will be preparing him for kindergarten, which is great. So don't worry, your fears are normal, and if he does have a hard time at first, it will get better. He needs to gets used to his new environment, teachers, and friends, but most likely he will enjoy his preschool experience!

It's hard for you to do this in the middle of the school year. On the first day or preschool and kindergarten, the mothers all shed a few tears together after they wave goodbye.

Try to be very positive with your son. Try to get The Kissing Hand from the library or bookstore.
http://www.amazon.com/Kissing-Hand-Audrey-Penn/dp/0878685855
You kiss his hand in the morning and whenever he needs a little love during the day, he can press it on his cheek.

Hi N.,
Good for you for being there for the first 5. Some moms start daycare when their kids are infants, you did the right thing and stayed home. Now your son is ready to go out in the world with a little more independance, a compliment to you. So don't be too sad, this is just the beginning!

HiNancy,

your son will be fine, once he gets familiar with teachers and new friends he probably won't want to leave at the end of the day.

I am a preschool teacher, not working as one though, in between jobs and stay home with my kids. but, when I did work for daycare my kids went with me, even though they were in the same building and not very far from me it was tough for me because I felt bad for leaving them until one day I went to go pick them up and they asked me if I could leave them there LOL

If you have to you can call the daycare and check in to make sure they are fine. I have had alot of parents do it.

hope your son enjoys preschool. I'm sure he will have a blast.

Tonya

First of all, I want to assure you that your feelings and his are perfectly normal. To calm your anxiety, think of all the kids you know who aren't 'traumatized' by being in daycare all day. Most enjoy daycare quite a bit, and are still thrilled to see their parents at the end of the day. Most kids go willingly to preschool/day care very willingly for the first week or two, then get clingy for a week at separation time, then go back to loving it, so don't be surprised if you see that pattern. Focus on the positive with your son-- how much fun he'll have, how it will be more exciting than being home with you, and be honest that you'll miss him, too.
Good luck!

Hi N.- I can certainly understand the feelings that you are having about sending your son to pre-school. I felt the same way when I put my daughter in daycare at 13 months. But she is a much stronger, well-adapted little girl due to her daycare (now pre-school). She is learning things that I would never be able to teach her and she loves it. I know that may not be much comfort right now but I sure you've made the right decision for your family. Best of luck!

You're not the only mother that feels that way. Don't let yourself feel guilty though. My eldest daughter didn't go to preschool and my youngest one did. My eldest has never let me live it down that she DIDN"T get to go to preschool. LOL
I know it can be hard as this is the first of many times where you'll have to let go and trust. He may be scared or cry or he may surprise you and go happily off to his new destiny, but he won't be traumatized especially if you are strong, trusting, and loving.

You are definitely not the only mother who has felt that way. My little girl needed language development help and was assigned to a special language development preschool program when she was 3. While I knew she needed it (it was only for 3 hours), I felt so sad and guilty for taking her. I cried all the way home after I left her at school. My children are both 7 now and each fall, when I drop them off for their first day of school, I feel a tear of sadness. I question myself on why I'm not homeschooling them. I'm sad that they're growing up so fast. My older brother told me he had tears in his eye when he took his little boy to kindergarten (and he's a very macho man!). He also said something to me that really made sense. God LOANED us our children for 18 years to help them learn to fly. From the day they are born our job is to teach them to fly on their own and with each year, we let loose just a little bit more. We need to admire their progress toward independence because we are the way they learn to be successful.

I think what you are feeling is normal. Every year when my kids go back to school I feel a little sad! It's so hard to watch them grow up and become independent from us. But our job as moms is to get our kids ready to go out into the world, where they can blossom into who they are destined to be.

My kids both loved preschool - there are so many new friends to make, games to play, and things to learn. Your son will be too busy to feel rejected - he will love you even more for giving him this wonderful opportunity. Kids this age are so resilient. My girls sometimes ask me why I don't stay home "like all the other moms" and I remind them - mommy has a job so we can live in a house and have food to eat and clothes to wear. It's just a reality of life and they don't give it more than a moment's thought before they go back to playing.

So, your son might run headlong into preschool without a backward glance, or it might take a few weeks to fully adjust to the new situation, but in the end he will enjoy it and it will prepare him well for Kindergarten in terms of making friends, following the instructions of an adult other than his parents, etc. This is a wonderful opportunity for him to learn and grow, don't feel guilty for one second!

If he were five MONTHS old, it would be a different story, but he is old enough for preschool, and in a few months he'll be going to kindergarten, and you can send him to school guilt-free. Just make sure that the time you do have with him is really quality time and give him extra love on the weekends. I'm sure he'll be fine, since you've given him years of your attention while you stayed home with him and gave him a good foundation to grow from. I'd be more worried if you didn't feel a little sad about it.

You are not the only mother that feels that way. About 2 months ago we had to put our son in a toddler pre-school class. He had been home with me or watched by family until then. He started at 18 months. It was really hard the first day and slowly took about 2 weeks it got a lot better. The first day he cried for about 2 hours but then was fine. Now when I pick him up I have a hard time getting him to leave.

Your son is a lot older then mine and I am sure that he will do just fine. Plus it will be good for him to socialize before starting kindergarden.

Don't fell bad, your son knows you love him!!

Good luck,
K.

P.S. See if your husband or someone can go with you the first day you drop him off. That way you have some support.

Hi N.,

I can give you a little from both sides of this. I had to return to work when my daughter was 4. I hated it, she loved it (for the most part). There were days she wanted to stay home "like we used to". But I would just explain that almost all mommies have to work but our life was good and we still had lots of good times. This didn't happen often and something as little as stopping to pick up something special for desert would almost always do the trick. I had quite a commute and the daycare was close to work so I made a point of using the time in the car as quality Mommy & Me time. When we moved I got a job working for Kindercare, so I can give you the inside scoop of daycare too. Kids read their moms SO well. Check YOUR sadness and resevations before you even get in the car to take him the first day. Put someting of yours in his bag "to take care of " for you for the day. This clues him in that you will be back for him, without saying something that could put thoughts in his head that probably aren't there anyway. If he does get teary, give him an extra LITTLE hug and kiss and leave! You would be surprised at the number of kids that stop crying the minute the parent is out of sight. Remember, they take their cues from you. If you have any other questions that come up in the first couple of days, feel free to email me. (Keep in mind that there is a mother in the same boat, that belongs to every other child in the daycare with your boy.) Good luck...on the daycare front, and new jobs for mommy and daddy! You will be in my prayers.

Smiles, rainbows & God bless,
T. F