Mother's Day- Ugh!

No real answer for you, just wanted to say I am right there with you. A husband who has to work all day and a mom who just married 2 months ago and wants me join her and her new family to celebrate her mother-in-law (a family I don't care for very much at all). I have decided I am going to just do what I love doing and decline the offer, stay at home and be a mother, wait for hubby to come home in the evening and then hopefully have a special dinner together. She will probably feel rejected but it has gotten to the point that I am tired of living my life to please everyone else and don't think it is too much to ask to excuse myself from this one uncomfortable luncheon and allow me to spend my Mother's Day relaxing with my children instead of putting on the fake smile. I hope that no matter what you choose to do that you have a wonderful day!

I can relate to the hubby not really being creative on holidays... in fact, my hubby is anti-holiday (probably because his childhood was not such a good one) and I usually get dissapointed on holidays because I love to celebrate and feel that everone else should too! I read what Sharona16 wrote and feel so much better!! I was feeling "Mother's Day- Ugh" too but now I feel blessed for what I have and will try to be more understanding towards my husband... he just doesn't know how to celebrate because his family never did (which is really very sad) We have one year old twin girls so family holidays are very new to us! Sorry S.H., I'm just rambling. My point is, read what Sharona16 wrote below, she is right! Be blessed!
K.

Oh honey, what a gift you have to be with family! I know it may not seem so but it is.

A couple of years back, I was pregnant with my fourth baby. I was in my 31st week and we were getting so excited about our little girl coming. As it turned out she was stillborn, on Mother's Day. My family and my in-laws felt awful about her death. I admit it was very hard and I miss my little girl. All my children miss her. I have found that when someone dies, your love for them continues to grow. Life goes on and I am so thankful for all my children. My children love to celebrate and make the day special for me. The hard part is that my Mother-in-law and my Mother have a hard time approaching me on that day. They think it is a hard day for me so they don't have any contact with me on those days because they don't know what to say. I am just so thankful for all I have, I can't possibly think about all I don't. Some day your Mother won't be with you and the day will be totally yours. I guarantee you then you will miss your Mom.

How about having it be Mother's Day Weekend? Then you can split it - one day is yours, one day is hers. I think I might do that if I ever live in the same area as my mom. That way, special day for everyone :)

My mom lives with me also. I care for because she has been ill for the last 13 years. We spend every Mothers day together with my kids. I really wouldnt have it any other way. She will not be here forever and I treasure her. I like to spend mothers day at home, we do not go out. This year we are having a Ham dinner. My husband will cook it. We play family games and just have a fun day at home. I do not like to take off or do things alone on mothers day because I am celebrating being a Mom and I like my kids to be with me on this day.

But.... This year is a little different, my two oldest children have to work. I know they have to if they want to pay there bills. But I will miss them here with me. They do not live at home anymore. I will see each of them next week on different days. Kids grow older and move out, older parents are not here for ever. So be careful what you wish for, you might just get it.

We take my Mom out for a meal. Sometimes it is breakfast or lunch or dinner. Each year we play it by ear. We no longer try to combine with my siblings. I choose what meal I want to be with just my family. That's about it.

I learned a long time ago to stop waiting for surprises. You are setting yourself up for disappointment. Decide how you want the day to play out and tell your husband. He isn't creative and if you are waiting for him to be then you are once again setting yourself up for disappointment.

It's not mothers day yet. Decide what you want and tell your husband now.

Here is a suggestion: Tell your Mom and your sibs that you and your family are going to do dinner alone. Wish them all a Happy Mothers Day. Tell your husband you would like the kids to make you breakfast and serve it to you in bed. Ask them to do the same for your Mom. Let the kids help and eat whatever they make.......no expectations. Laze in bed. Maybe watch a Lifetime movie. Then tell your husband what you want for dinner.

Then get up, get dressed and spend the afternoon with your Mom. Take her to lunch and shopping, or to a movie. Drop her at one of your sibs and go home to your family dinner.

Nope - you feel how you feel and there's nothing wrong with that.

My husband isn't creative either, but that doesn't bother me. We always do my flower/garden shopping for mother's day - probably next weekend. Too much to do this weekend!

If I want my day to be special - I have to make it that way. We're going to my mother-in-law's house Sunday afternoon, which isn't what I want to do, but I'll grin and bear it. I'm going to take some time for myself in the morning. I'm going to spin class and then sit in the hot tub for awhile.

I hope you can do something similar. Even if it's only an hour for yourself - try to make the time.

Happy Mother's Day!

Think of it as a family day and try not to have expectations about the day. That way you don't set yourself up for a disappointment. Just have some fun with it and enjoy your family, mom and all. You are an amazing mom! Happy Mother's Day!

There are times when we feel unloved or unappreciated - these 'holidays' are a real opportunity to get the blues. I've watched friends get showered with attention, while I got little or nothing (once my daughters got older than 9 or 10). My husband and his father don't go out of their way - at least they usually haven't. Now that we've been married 24 years, my husband now mentions having a barbeque, and I am joyful.
If I focus on why things aren't the way I wish they could be, my mood goes into a downward spiral. So... I choose to be grateful for what I do have. It makes me happier, and people tend to enjoy being around me more. We all end up having a good time, and the day goes smoother.
Do I make suggestions or decisions? Sure, often. Do my mother-in Law and I occasionally plan the Mother's Day event? Not as often as we used to, and that is good!
I hope you have a good Mother's Day, and find joy in the little things. They will be there, even if they are hard to find!

I didn't read all the responses and I did read your update so I have an idea what was said.:)
Anyhow, definitely just say so. So what if they think you're being "selfish" or "anti-social." I understand your mom is a widow...but I would think her wedding anniversary or his birthday or the day of his passing would be the days she'd need you to be with her.
My thoughts are as soon you become a mother....the grandmas sort of have to pass the buck. I know my MIL was pitching fits left and right that we didn't come to her house and do what she wanted on Mother's Day. Hate to break it to you...but it's a day for me as well. Her son could go spend the day with her....I want to do something for me.

That said---- when Mother's Day starts coming around...before you feel pressured to entertain or do what someone else wants or expect your husband to come up with a plan (which you know will never happen). Decide what YOU want to do---- if it's to garden and be left alone. Tell your husband that. Tell your mom those are your plans and tell her husband has the kids for the day unless she wants to spend it with them. Grandkids are a great gift for a mother. She should enjoy spending the time with them just as much.
To me it just sounds like you're stuck pleasing everyone else all the time and worried that someone else will be disappointed or upset if you don't do what they want. You're going to have a miserable time ALL the time if you don't speak up.

And finally that said---- my husband won't be here for Mother's Day. So my Sunday is going to consist of me doing the same thing I do everyday anyhow. So my solution---- I decided TODAY I am going to go get my nails done and this morning I'm sitting on the computer writing to you :) It doesn't have to fall on Mother's Day exactly. Do something for yourself today! If you can't today....tell husband since Sunday was really more about everyone else...you're wanting to garden next Sunday and celebrating being a mother then. :)

I lived in FL for awhile, and they had the most brilliant thing: Right next to the handicapped spots were reserved spaces for "Moms w Small Children".

I often think of mother's day this way. That really, it should be a weekend. 2 sets of spots. One day for "The Mother's Who Survived Us" and "Mother's In The Trenches: Survival Hopeful, but Not Yet Determined"

R

Well, I've got two things for you to think about. I get the whole day to myself. Just about me. Because my mom isn't with me anymore. Nor is my MIL. So on that one day, it's about me. And on the rest of the 364 days, my children don't have a grandmother, nor do I have a confidant, never get to have any time with my mom... so I ask, is it really so awful to get to spend mother's day with her? Not trying to be righteous, just offering a shift in perspective.
But I do have aunts, cousins, SIL and we used to get together on MD and celebrate but once we all became mother's no one wanted to do the work to host. (where you are at) So now, how we celebrate, is each year, the Sunday before mother's day, we get together and just the mom's go to brunch together. It's a great way to acknowledge one another but get a break from all the child raising. So perhaps you can discuss with the extended family about celebrating together on the Sunday prior (or after), and then on the actual Mother's Day, it's just the close family. (Or vice versa). Start a new tradition. I'm sure you're not the only one to feel this way. And even if you are, maybe they'd like the idea of celebrating twice!! :)

Good luck, and hopefully you will be able to find enjoyment with whatever you end up doing.

Celebrate yours on Saturday and hers on Sunday, or vice versa! That's what we do in our family, and it works out great. My husband isn't creative either so I just request what I want done and he and the kids pamper me! no biggie.

I think you should think of one special thing that you'd like your husband to set up for you on mother's day. like taking you out for a private dinner or to your favorite store. ask him for it specifically (husbands don't usually know what we want and they're not mind-readers) and ask that he figure out all the details so you don't have to lift a finger. do it in a sweet way and act all excited that you get to spend this special time with him. Arrange for your mother to hang out with your kids while he takes you out. Try to make things simpler and don't let all the details and complaints get in the way of life. And make sure you garden the day after or the day before you go to the brunch, so you get the best of both worlds.

Next time tell your sibling thanks, but you and your hubby and kids are doing something for you and that taking your mom would be a great idea. You don't have to feel obligated to spend more time with your mom, you are a mom too and your family has the right to spend that time with you. As you children get older, they will spend more time helping, pampering and doing for you. Your mom should understand, she is a mom too!

I can do whatever I want.....I like to grab my daughter and do something with her,like last year, her birthday was on mother's day and we went to the mall, and lunch......
Sometimes, yes I just wanted to garden.....
I'm not a big going out kind of person, so a brunch wouldn't be fun for me either.
My family in the morning makes breakfast for me,than I get up and they have something for me....
I don't think you are sellfish at all, it's all a matter of maybe saying what you would like to do that day and organizing it, so everybody is happy.....
Acknowledge your mom being your mom,but since she lives with you, your siblings can take her out for brunch and you can do your thing.

Hi,
i can certainly see your point of view. You have a 'supporter' personality type. Most mom's do, taking care of everyone first and since there is so much of that to do, your needs tend to fall of the to-do list. Somewhere long time ago you stopped taking time for yourself. Its not selfish, its healthy, as long as you keep all pertinent persons informed, no one would blame you. You might even be surprised at how much support you get.
The reason i bring this up is because the perspective you speak from sounds like victim. And that only happens when you've lost yourself in serving others. So here's what you can do...

1. Schedule "me time" once a day or once a week. that way you wont feel like your being neglected and your inner child or soul is well taken care of.
2. Set boundaries for yourself. Don't allow others to schedule your calendar, especially without notice. You will be keeping your word to yourself and people respect that.
Then when these holidays come up, you will be more joyful about spending time with them.

Besides, it's just a Hallmark holiday. My Nana used to say, "I don't need Christmas or a birthday to tell me when to buy you a gift, i can do it any day of the year i want." ~ i miss her

P.S. On a side note, i was childless for 40 years and me and my mother never have gotten along. So I guess I have a different appreciation for those relations. But at the same time, standing up for myself has never really been a weakness for me.

Happy Mother's Day
Hugs, M.

I was in your position for many years. My daughter was estranged for awhile and I was my mom's caretaker until last year. My mom has dementia, so last year I had to had to place her in an assisted living facility. My mom no longer has concept of time, so I can see her anytime this weekend and in the meantime, I'm enjoying my well-deserved Mother's Day with all three of my kids (estranged daughter included). The wonderful thing about having my mom at an this facility is that the staff will be will be doing something special for all the mothers on Mother's Day--now I don't have to feel guilty or worry about my mom because I know that she will be celebrating with her new friends and caretakers.

Have a Happy Mother's Day:)

M

If you can't make Mother's Day your day, then turn your birthday into a national holiday! Maybe your half-birthday too... You deserve it! :)

I am the mother of five children. I felt that way for so many years!!! The day went to my mom and my mother-in-law, which both lived an hour from us. Now that they are gone, my kids don't do much for me because they feel like you, it should be their day. Actually right now I would give anything to have a Mother's Day with my mom. I have one son who is going to cook me breakfast at his house. All my life I have dropped everything for my kids....now I feel hurt!!!! Being on the other end of it all....HURTS!!!!!!

I feel your frustration! I have a 4 year old daughter, I'm a single mom and my mom lives with us and I take care of her since she has many illnesses. So I have no days just for me. My DD dad try's to do something for me on mothers day but it's usually a gift card for a manicure later on, I'm thankful that he does that. On mothers day I end up taking my mom & daughter out to brunch because I don't want to cook and that's what mom wants to do. Then I tell her I need a bit of me time (garden time, reading or just vegging) and would she watch my DD for a bit, it's a win-win since they get to spend time together. Thats about all I can get for myself. My suggestion would be to ask for some time to yourself to do what you want, tell them that's what YOU really want for Mother's Day and you would really like them to support your wish!

Good luck to you and have a Great, peaceful and Happy Mothers day!

This was an issue for us as well. We now celebrate it over 2 days, Saturday is for me, Sunday we celebrate my mom and MIL. It works out great. Works for us.

I read through the posts and well, here is what I know:

My husband's mother died when he was 16, I have never met her, my children have never met her and I know he would LOVE to have your problem.

The bottom line is this, it's one day. You can choose what you make of it.

B.
Family Success Coach

I agree with a lot of people who said you could make another day YOUR day, a special day for you. Since it's your own mother, why don't you speak to her about your frustrations and perhaps come to a resolution together. I would and have talked to my own mother about topics that involve her, frustrate me. Especially since she's living with you, it's important to discuss these things with her- how long has she been living with you? I only wonder since it would seem like your mother would be used to doing her own thing sometimes while you and hubby go to dinner, or you go out for a massage etc. Is she helpful, understanding or are you just catering to her all day, everyday? I'm only asking since I would figure if she lives with you, then you would have some boundaries- don't you ever do your own thing, go out with a friend for lunch etc. or do you always have your mom in-tow? You NEED your own time for you, your own time as a couple. Does she babysit your kids? Can you go out in the evening of Mother's Day? Split the day or the weekend as others have said.

I also have a non-creative hubby who falters at any holiday, but at least yours ASKS! That's great! Give him a list. Sit down and write a list of things he can do throughout the year, at birthdays, Valentine's, Mother's Day, or whenever- a massage at certain place, name of perfume you like, your favorite flowers etc. I've done a list many times for my clueless hubby who will surprise me with one thing or another that he knows I want. But today, the best present was just sleeping in since I'm normally up with our third, an 11 month old at the wee hours of the morning. That meant everything to me. So, you do have a caring hubby- give him credit for asking and TELL him what you want, what you like (i.e dinner out at your favorite restaurant), just communicate.