Mother's Day... This Is the First Year I Am 'Officially' Their Mom...

You said that you've been mother to these children for several years now and your site says they're 9, 7, 6. I suggest that it would be helpful to them if you could focus less on the mom that they lost and more on the mom that they have. They need the security of knowing that you are their mom now. Their rightful mom.

That is not to say that you shouldn't honor their birth mother. I think Mother's Day is now the day to honor their mom, that's you. If they want to visit the cemetery this Mother's Day then it's good to do that but I'd plan to not do that next year. You all need to live in the present. You cannot undo the past tho you can feel sad and grieve.

I suggest it's likely that if given the opportunity your children are ready to let go of the grief and embrace their new life. This is a joyous Mother's Day for all of you. Focus on the joy!

I suggest that you find a way to let go of your guilt. It is hurting you and your children. Perhaps you could talk with a minister/priest or a counselor.

I empathize with you and think I understand why you'd feel sad and glad at the same time to be their mother. That is part of why you are a good mother for them. However, remember you are not taking their birth mother's place. You've become their new mother.

First of all, I'm so sorry to hear of the tragic loss that resulted in you becoming their M.. Secondly, it sounds as though it has been you that has set the tradition of honoring their M. on Mother's day. How about if you start to slowly shift some of the honor more towards your sister's (R.I.P.) birthday instead of mother's day. It seems from what you described that you maybe struggling more with this than they are. Don't sell yourself short; be proud of being their 2nd M. and be sure to let them know how lucky you feel to be their 2nd M.. Maybe in doing so, it will help you let go some of the guilt you are feeling. oh one more thing; Happy Mother's Day to you :)

I think you sound like an awesome mom! You are so concerned about your kids, and what is best for them. That's a fantastic thing!
Let your husband and kids dictate the day. Sit back and relax. Enjoy your kids! Let them remember their mom and celebrate their new mom at the same time.

Wow.
I think it's so awesome that you are raising your sister's children.
I totally understand what you mean tho, not wanting them to forget their own mom.
I don't think they will.
I'm sure you will always keep her memory fresh for them.
But, you are now the acting mom in their lives and if they want to celebrate you (as your husband is correct in this, he wants your efforts celebrated) as A mom it is perfectly fine to let them.
I'm sure your sister is filled with joy that her children are happy and loved.
And, as they get older they will want to celebrate YOU even more.
Do not feel guilty, feel blessed that the kids have all been able to adapt and thrive, you are doing a wonderful job and deserve the accolades. Your sis was an awesome mother as well or the kids wouldnt have adapted as easily. They already knew what "love" was from their mom, and now they feel it from you. You are doing what your sister would want and what her kids need.
You don't want them grieving on Mother's Day, you want them to be happy to celebrate it with you, their mommy's sister.

You've gotten some great advice, but I just wanted to tell you how blessed all of your children are to have you! Honoring your sister's memory is important, and it's a delicate balance with the kids, as I am learning right now. My daughters just lost their Dad almost two weeks ago, so it's still fresh, but I have learned that sometimes kids need different things than we do as adults. My daughters love their Dad with all their heart, but they have just wanted a "normal" day without everyone looking at them as the "girls who's Dad died" (their words, not mine). I sort of get how your kids may need that, too. I can't imagine a child losing both parents and my heart bleeds for them. But, maybe that's just it...they have dealt with the pity, compassion, empathy, etc. from others for years now on top of their own grief. Maybe they have begun calling you Mom for more than just the symbolic and obvious reasons. Maybe they crave some normalcy as well? I could be way off, but it's something to consider. If that is the case, you may feel torn like they are trying to "forget" their parents, but trust me...they never will. Your sister is up there smiling down at you; grateful to have you and your husband taking care of her four beautiful children as your own. Celebrate that in your heart, no matter how you decide to spend your day tomorrow! Do the kids "like" going to decorate the graves? I understand you want to honor your sister, but maybe that's too difficult for the kids. My girls are 14 and I am pretty sure they couldn't handle that now or four years from now. What about talking to the kids and giving them an option? We are big on sending balloons in Dad's favorite colors to Heaven! Maybe you could have the kids let off balloons to celebrate Mom's memory while also doing some Mother's Day activities for you during the day? Whatever you decide, know this: You are an amazing Mom!!

Happy Mothers Day to you for being a mother to ALL your children. It's ok for the kids to give you the love they once gave their mom (your sister) because you are now giving them the love their mom used to give them. I think your husband should plan something special that is centered around you, but also keeping their mom;s memory alive as well. You must be one special lady to have taken in 4 kids, you are what Mother's Day is all about. J.

You're not stealing any love. You can't do that. But your sister can't do her mama job, and you're doing it instead (on her behalf, so to speak), and there is affection that comes with it.

So in a way you are replacing their mother, but out of necessity. And that's all right. Her children need care and teaching, and who better to do it than someone who loves them dearly and whom they love dearly? I bet your sister would be happy to know that you are being her children's mama. I hope so.

Mothers' Day might be different at your house than at many other homes. But I think I might let the children take the lead on how to celebrate it. You (or your husband) might ask them what they would like to do for both their moms.

I think that if I were in your position, I'd want to communicate that I am sad that their mama and daddy died, but I'm also very, very thankful that God sent them to my house because they've made such a wonderful difference in my life.

Oh M., Your feelings are VERY valid, all the more reason you should be celebrated as a Mother. Embrace the day for all that it is for your family. On the one hand there will be the memory of your sister and the honoring of that. Don't let that overshadow the gratitude and thanks for what your family is now and of YOU who has stood by your sisters children. This holiday represents so much for your family and will have differing seemingly conflicting emotions. They all are very valid and should be recognized! Just knowing and acknowledging this can ease guilt any of you feel. Happy Mothers Day!

You didn't say how old they are so I'm going to base this on the idea that they are likely under 10 years old...If that is not the case, then I suppose...use what applies :)

Embrace your motherhood. You have been a mom for much longer than 9 months! These kids are likely not as sad about all of this as you are. Don't get me wrong, I'm sure it is VERY difficult for them to deal with at times. What I mean is that you are probably putting more emphasis on the sad part than they really are. You are doing something very wonderful for your sister and her husband. If they kids are older, they likely realize what you do for them. If they don't realize it just yet, or they're not quite old enough... believe me, they will get there. What can you do to make this holiday a guilt-free one?? Embrace your motherhood and celebrate the fact that you are the mother of 5 wonderful children!

I think your feelings are sane and make sense. It's a sad and complicated situation, but it's one that does need facing. So, here are my thoughts.

Well, I don't know if they regard you as their mom, even though they are calling you that now.... You are still probably an aunt to them, teetering on the line of mom and I'm sure it is confusing to them as well. Like, you fear of stealing their mother's attention in a way, what if they fear giving their mother's love away to you.. it's something I'm sure they think about to a degree.

For instance, my dad died and I have a wonderful father in law and I call him "Dad" but it secretly gives me the heebie jeebies and I don't regard him as a dad either. I still get him Father's Day gifts and whatnot, but it in no way replaces my real father.

I would still celebrate their mother, and you can still do a fun family Mother's Day for you too, since you are officially a mom to your own birth child. Make it a nice day of family memories, and create new traditions as well. Maybe make a tradition of making handprint or silhouette art of the kids and a special dessert recipe together or something.

Is this something you are going to have to deal with come Father's Day as well? Because that is also around the corner.

WOW I give you credit and lots of hugs for stepping up and being so strong and taking over for your sister when she passed away. Its a huge wonderful thing you are doing. And now you have a bio baby too!! So much happiness will come from all this. I am not in your shoes, and cant imagine how I would do all this, but I can hear it in your statement how much you want them to love their M. and you too. I think it will all grow and get easier and better every year and you will have many many Mother's days to come. Maybe being the gracious woman you are will allow you to step back a couple more years for the older kids and let them do as before and go to the cemetary and have that connection with your sister. It will always be something they will need to do but they will also honor you in so many other ways all year. I can picture sitting them all down and saying we will do this for you and M., and then go to dinner and celebrate you being a new "tummy M." and let them cheer for you and show how much they approve of you having given birth to another child knowing what a handfull and housefull you already had. It will just mulitply your love and their love for you. Theres room in one day for 2 moms to be cherised. Happy Mother's day to you most of all!

M., all your posts have been an inspiration to me.

Your strength and determination is a great gift to those kids, and I'm honored you've shared a little bit of us with all of us.

Have the best day ever!

:)

Maybe switch visiting her grave to Memorial Day and your sister's birthday, instead of Mothers Day.

I could only hope that if something happen to me and my husband someone would take, raise and love my children as their own. It would also make me happy that my children wanted to and could call someone else "mom". I really admire not only what you are doing but how you are raising the children. It sounds like you have put your grief aside in order to help the children through theirs. Calling you mom seems so healthy to me. I understand what you are saying but I agree it is irrational and really does not make sense although I think I may feel the same way you do if I was in your position. Honestly, the younger kids probably are not feeling the grief the way the older children do. They know you as their mom. On one level this is so sad because we know what the youngest is missing (mom, dad and memories of them) on the other hand they are in some ways spared the heartache because they do not know any different.
Enjoy your day as much as possible. I know what a bitter sweet day Mother's day is for me having lost my son.

I would start making this day more about celebrating you and less about grieving. Honor your sister on her birthday, remember the day she died, but let the kids celebrate today like their peers

I say let your husband take the lead on the celebration making it clear that honoring you sister (their real mom) a part of the day. Be understanding if they have a tough time but you should still be able to celebrate.

i wish i could give you a hug..... i think that you are giving the kids everything they could want or need by being mom.... and she would want that. i think that if you maybe had a little bit different name somehow, a mom and a mama or whatever you think you would all be ok with, .... i dont know, it just seems like it might help, ..... and i am so so sorry for your loss.

I think you are doing everything right. You should celebrate Mother's day b/c you are their mom now. You are their mom in every sense, she was their bio mother. As long as you always recognize their mother on MD I think that you should be celebrated for taking care of them as your own.

I like the advice all the moms have given you here already so I am simply sending you love an d hugs! Happy Mother's Day! Be kind to yourself! I love what you've done for them!