J.,
Hello! My name is Candance. I am a 32-year old single parent of a 6-year old son. My husband and I divorced when my son was 6 weeks old.
I am very sorry to hear about what you are experiencing. Life has been tough for me, but nothing compared to your current situation. I just wanted to encourage you and to offer my friendship should you need it.
Before I say anything, let me admonish you for taking in your brother and sister. You are very young yourself and the responsibility that you've taken on with them is admirable. You must love them very much. But, if your brother is 18, he needs to get up and work or get out. It's as simple as that. Love him, but don't hurt him by allowing him to be lazy and ungrateful. He will only continue to do so unless you put your foot down and say, "no more." Give him a time frame for getting a job and stick to it. If he doesn't straighten up by that time, show him the door. Tough love works. He may resent you at first, but he'll eventually get it. He is practically a man now. And, unfortunately, he's going to have to get a crash course on adulthood. It's time.
It's unfortunate that your boyfriend is waiting for things to be "perfect" in your life before he takes the next step with you. Tread carefully here. Do not begin your family with him until you are his wife. Even then, take things slowly. You have been dealing with a lot. Don't rush into additional responsibility. Husbands leave and boyfriends leave just that much quicker because they dont' have to wait around for a court of law (divorce) to set them free. I'm not saying that your boyfriend will leave you. What I am saying is that you have to take care of yourself. You have to be okay so that you can be what you need to be for your daughter. Be sure that your feet are firmly planted on the ground, so that if something unexpected comes up in your life, you can handle it; you can experience it and keep on moving! So, before you have anymore children or become someone's wife, give yourself some time to enjoy your life; enjoy those that are already in your life; you're still very young (although I know the responsibility you've currently undertaken makes you feel much older)!
Raising children requires so much energy! Enjoy your daughter...learn to find some time for YOU. If you're not whole, you don't have enough to give anyone else.
Now, as for the 16-year old. You will have to be firm, but loving with her. I'm sure she already thinks that she knows everything. You'll have to show her that she does not. If you can, get someone to watch your daughter for a few hours maybe one day a week. Spend this time with your sister. Go out for a picnic, window shopping, or to dinner and just talk. Show her that you love her and that even though you are there for her you will not tolerate her misbehaving. State your case about the never-ending phone calls and any other issues that you're having. It's your house and they must know to respect it. Firmness, consistency, and quality time spent is what works with teenagers. I have never raised any, but I have mentored several over the years.
I wish you the very best. Please feel free to shout back to me anytime you need to talk or just vent.
God bless you,
Candance