Mother in Law Treats My Kids Differently

Wow! That's really messed up. I would decline the gifts to my daughter until Grandma remembered my son.

Take them back to the store and exchange them for items for both kids. If she asks tell her what you did and you will no longer put up with the playing favorites game. Buy for both or not at all.

I was that way with my granddaughter and grandson for a couple of years. My granddaughter was the first. I always wanted a baby girl and fell into buying things for her. I grew up with boys and so wasn't so much interested in what boys want. I'd already done the boy thing with them.

My daughter talked with me over time telling me how unfair it was to buy for one and not the other. I did try to include things for my grandson but had difficulty because I didn't know him as well.

My granddaughter had always stayed overnight with me once a week. My daughter suggested that my grandson also have one night a week. I wasn't so sure about doing that but agreed. This has been going on for a couple of years now and it's easy to buy things for him too now. Having him be a part of my everyday life has brought us closer together.

My daughter is also working on having me buy less things and build a savings plan for college. I'm getting started in that direction. It's not as much fun but certainly is the smarter thing to do.

I do still buy clothes but I wait until my daughter tells me what they need.

I also suggest that your grandson tell his grandmother, at the time, that he's disappointed when she brings something for his sister but not him. Saying how you feel is not being impolite.

Can you say thank you but No thanks? I cant accept that because you aren't being fair to my nine year old. tell her why! Just because he is a boy doesn't mean it doesnt hurt his feelings---it does! Protect your 9year old and ask her not to give any more gifts without getting both of them something.
M

It really is simple. I dealt with this with my father...he wanted to send my son presents but not my daughter who was a baby because "she was too young to know the difference". I was quite blunt and not at all unclear about it...I told him that if he was unable to get something for both kids, then to please not bother to get anything for either one of them. It pissed him off, but I really didn't care. Your kids are old enough that they notice things. I would tell my MIL how hurtful her actions were. If she continued, then I would start refusing all gifts. You are your child's advocate...please don't let your son hurt unnecessarily.

we're talking ILs here.....it's up to your husband to be the negotiator! That's the only way to keep the peace.

She has to equalize her giving.....or it can't happen at all. It's unfair & you all know it.

Have your husband tell his mother what Tracy L says - if she can't be balanced in her treatment of the kids gift-wise, then thanks but no thanks.

She buys gifts to make herself happy - and she likes to buy girls clothes. She doesn't know what to buy for a boy so she doesn't buy him anything. My MIL had a shopping addiction and when she could no longer go out to shop she'd sit watching QVC with her credit card or spend hours with catalogs and buy all kinds of cr-p. But it was never about the kids - it was about flling an empty place inside herself.

Explain to your 9 yr old son that grandma like to shop and since she doesnt' know anything about boys she make mistakes. Then as another person suggested, exchange it and buy stuff for him too.

We have given away so much junk that my kids wanted nothing to do with - what are you going to do? - you will not be able to change her behavior. ;o)

It is not up to your son, to tell her how he feels.
He is a child. He's young, and this is a daunting thing, to tell his Grandma.
He needs the guidance of his parent.

What I suggest is that you, talk with your son. Explain that Grandma has hurt his feelings. You know that. So he feels validated. Explain that even adults, are not always fair nor nice. Explain, that he is a GREAT boy and you love him. Teach him, how to feel good about himself so that his Grandma cannot, hurt him etc.

You- talk to your MIL.
You explain that it hurts your son's feelings.
She is an adult.... she can realize that. If she chooses to.
SHE chooses... to include him, or not.
She is a grown-up.
He is a child.
She should realize, this hurts the feelings, in a child.

Preferential treatment of one child over the other, is hurtful.

You teach your kids.... about people, about intentions, about how 'things' and objects does NOT show a person's love or who is better than the other.
You teach your kids.... to feel self-assured. No matter what. So that, in the future, they will feel good about themselves. Not it being based on what a person gives them or not.

This is sad for your son. I feel bad for him too.

But you teach him... values and how to feel good about himself. DESPITE, your MIL's unfairness.

And... your Husband should talk to his Mom. That is his Mom. Who is hurting his son's sense of self.

I'm so sorry for your son. My BFF has a similar situation with her MIL. Both she and her husband have tried to talk to her about it but she just gets defensive.
I would at least TRY to talk to her, explain how hurtful it is to your son. Has your husband talked to her? It's his mom, I think he should! Good luck :(

My MIL is a real piece of work. According to anyone else who talks to her, you'd think she was Super Involved Grandma but in reality, she's completely uninvolved in ALL of her grand children's lives. He little "me world" is very small...not big enough to fit anyone else.
What I can tell you is your son sees the "real" her. And it's her loss. It was a great day when I realized (even though I have taken great pains to NEVER speak down about MIL to him) that my son sees her for exactly what she is. And he's 8.

Are the kids both from her son? Even if not, it still isn't ok but would maybe make sense. I would tell her flat out to save gifts for holidays only and to include both kids. Simple. Just tell her its way too much and its hurting your son's feelings and if she can't understand that then you as his mother has to make it right. Good luck.

My mother and MIL did the same thing. I finally would not let them give my
daughter anything. Ticked me off royally.Then I told them if they ever did
that again, I would not have them in my house. They got the hint. I really
meant what I said too and they knew it. I do not know how people can be
like that.

Yes and no. I know my mil loves both of my kids but my 4 yr old daughter gets alot more extras than my 14 yr old son. He's older but he's still a kid. I told her if she can't bring for both then don't bring anything! Its only fair!

My MIL used to do that too! I remember one year for Christmas she got my daughter lots of clothes and gave her money. She gave my son a dictionary! Wow! He was gracious and thanked her, but I knew it hurt his feelings. I told their dad that he needed to talk to her about it because I thought she might take the discussion better from him, but that didn't work too well.
She always gave the same excuse of, "Well I don't know what he likes." so I came up with a plan. Every once in a while I would say, "Hey, he's looking for a Manchester United soccer jersey (or whatever). If you happen to see one, would you grab it for him. He wears a size small." That way she had ideas and had something specific to look for. I think she likes that challenge of that a little.
She's still not quite even with it, but at least he gets things once in a while and they are things he really wants. I never have figured out what her reason really is, but I guess I just decided to be greatful for whatever she did and then try to even it out as much as possible myself. My son got to the point where he just expected it to be that way and tries not to let it bother him. It's kind of become a joke now. He just says, "Well, at least it's not another dictionary!"
Good luck to you!

does you MIL have any daughters? mine totally goes overboard with our dd (she has step grandchildren, but mine is her only biological) and I think it's because she only had sons and always wanted a daughter.

Have your husband have a private conversation with her. Have him TELL her that she has to always be equal. When she gives one gift to one child she needs to give 1 give to the other at the SAME TIME. If she gives 2 or 3 gifts to one child she needs the same number for the other child. HE can tell her this is his rule and it is only to be fair. He should tell her that she must ALWAYS do this and never have lapses. I don't think you should tell her though bc she will take it better from her son.

I think it's because little girls are easier to buy for! You could send her an email and thank her for all the gifts and let her know that your son is beginning to have hurt feelings over being left out.

I know it's a weird spot to be in because you don't want to make it sound like you expect her to get stuff for your kids, since she doesn't have to, but it's not nice to favor one so strongly! It's just not. I'd try to figure out a really nice way to mention it in case she hadn't realized.

Is she normally pretty easy to get along with? Or is she a difficult person? If she's a difficult person, you probably won't have a lot of luck. I'm not sure what to suggest to do! It definitely is a problem, though.

I sympathize... but I know from first hand experience it's easier and more fun to shop for a girl child. There are so many things to choose from - styles, colors, patterns, toys, etc. Boys are pretty much standard and limited set. Have you told her how you and your son are feeling? Maybe she needs a less subtle hint.

I had the same problem with my MIL. She lives about an hour away and would plan a visit with us, our two sons, and my step daughter. If something came up and our daughter wasn't going to be there, MIL would cancel. It really hurt our son's feelings. I realized that she prefers her daughter over her son and her granddaughters over her grandsons.
I also realized that as their mother (their dad wouldn't confront his mom) it was my place to stand up for their feelings and not allow her to treat them as second class citizens. I stood up to her and told her she would NOT be allowed to play favorites.PERIOD. She was much better about the visits after that. Fast forward 27 years to a month ago. I told her our oldest son and his wife found out they were expecting a baby girl. She said, "I am so glad it's a girl; I just like and relate better to girls more so than boys." -sigh- While I guess it's true that you can't change them, you can insist they play fair! Good Luck!