Just joined and I hope this site is a good place for this question and if not I apologize, just really need to vent and hoping others who have experienced this can give me some suggestions on how to approach the situation.
So my MIL has 5 grandchildren total. Her son and I have 2 daughters (Kayla age 11) and (Anna age 6) and we also have a son (Nolan age 4). Her other 2 granddaughters by my hubby's brother are (Lynn age 7) and (Elle age 4). When our oldest (Kayla) was born she was so great to her, loved spending time with her and even started asking to take her for overnight visits at just a few months old. Mind you our oldest was a difficult baby. Not a good sleeper at all, had colic, cried a lot, threw up a ton but still my MIL loved taking her and keeping her overnight frequently. Her 2nd granddaughter and our niece (Lynn) was born almost 4 years after our daughter (Kayla) and she was as great with (Lynn) as she was with our (Kayla) treating them both equally from the start. At just a few months old she started taking (Lynn) overnight whenever she took our daughter (Kayla) overnight. My MIL had sleepovers with both girls together all the time, included them both in all outings and made sure they both got same amount of love and gifts always. Then my 2nd daughter (Anna) was born just 21 months after (Lynn). I noticed almost immediately how different she treated (Anna) then how she treated (Kayla and (Lynn). A few examples are : she would call to tell me she was taking (Lynn) overnight and ask if she could pick up (Kayla) to stay with them. This was atleast once or twice a month she would pick up our daughter (Kayla) and our niece (Lynn) but never would she ask if she could also take my younger daughter (Anna) even though she started taking both the other 2 girls at just a few months old. Not once as a baby did my daughter (Anna) go anywhere with her ever. Anna was also opposite of my daughter (Kayla) as a baby. (Anna) was a terrific baby. Slept all night by 1 month old, very seldom ever cried, very seldom threw up and just an all around happy and good baby. I decided since (Anna) was too young to understand I wouldn't address the issue at that time and hubby and I also figured that by the time (Anna) was old enough to wanna go with Nana (nana is what all the kids call my MIL) that for sure my MIL would start taking her as well but that didn't happen for awhile. (Anna) has always been very smart for her age and so at around 18 months she began to cry to go with Nana whenever she came to pick up Kayla. She would cry and say Please, I go with Nana right in front of my MIL but she still would say not this time and make up some excuse usually telling her when she goes on the potty she can start staying with nana too. At that point even though it irratated me very much and broke my heart to watch my baby cry as her sister and nana walked out the door without her, Anna was still young enough that with in minutes of them leaving I could calm her down by occupying her with a toy or whatever and she would soon forget. I had my hubby talk to my MIL about it though and she would just tell him things like "it's just too hard to watch the other kids and change diapers and chase my daughter around at the same time and she would take her soon as she was a little bigger" hubby seemed to accept that explanation so I let it go for a bit but as the months went by it got worse as my daughter (Anna) got more and more upset the more she understood. At 2 and a half (Anna) was fully potty trained. I will also add that (anna) was always a good baby and a good toodler. She listened well, played great with others and by herself and easy to please. My oldest (Kayla) is ADHD, very hyper, wild and also ODD (oppositional defiant disorder) which causes her to be very argumentive, uncomplient, destructive, whiny and just difficult to handle a lot of the time. Still though it didn't matter to her that Anna was an easy child and Kayla was difficult because with her Kayla did and got whatever she wanted, she had no reason to misbehave at nanas as she got whatever she wanted there. My MIL never knew Anna was a great child as she never took the time to get to know her or be around her. So anyways, once she was potty trained at 2 and a half my MIL I guess decided she couldn't use the once your potty trained excuse anymore so she then started with different excuses. Shortly after that I got too angry to hold it in and I told hubby if she wasn't going to start taking Anna then she was no longer going to take Kayla either. So hubby brought it back up to his mom again this time telling her she was either gonna take them both or neither because it wasn't fair to Anna that it really upset her and we were done making excuses so finally when Anna was 3 she decided to take her for the night along with Kayla and Lynn. Well Anna was wonderful all day but at night she cried to come home which I explained to MIL that it was because Anna never goes anywhere with her and has never stayed there before like the other 2 started doing as babies. I apologized to my MIL for Anna crying at night but told her after a few times of taking her consistently like the others she would be fine as she stays with my mother perfectly. Well after that night she had a new excuse. She didn't wanna take her cause she knew she would cry to come home. I told her if she was a problem I would make the 30 minute drive to pick her up no matter what time it was and if she stopped taking her now she would never get used to staying with her but still she stopped taking her. It was almost a whole year before she would attempt to take her again :( she did finally begin to take her whenever she took the other 2 after numerous arguments with her but whenever I was around she treated them differently. Telling Anna No to things but telling Kayla yes to the same thing after, telling Anna to settle down and stop running through the house but not saying a word to Kayla for doing the exact same thing. Kayla is 5 years older then Anna by the way. Whenever Kayla and Anna are both being wild she blames it on Anna starting it when I clearly saw Kayla start it. Kayla is the ADHD and ODD child. She is an instigator totally. Whenever my daughter Kayla wanted something or wants to do something my MIL will give in and give her her way but is firm in telling Anna No always. Then my son Nolan was born and 3 months later my niece Elle was born. I forgot to mention Elle is 2 years younger then Anna and she kept Elle overnight on some occasions changing her diapers even though that was her excuse that whole time for not taking Anna. On a few occasions she even kept Elle for a whole week at a time while my hubby's brother and sister in law went to Florida. When my son Nolan was born she didn't take him as a baby at all so I figured it was gonna be the same thing that went on with Anna but thankfully at around 2 years old Nolan started crying to go and I guess she learned I wasn't gonna tolerate her singling him out as she did Anna so she took him. She treated him better then Anna but still not as well as Kayla, Lynn, and Elle. So my too youngest anna and Nolan get the short end of the stick with nana but as long as she takes them both when she takes Kayla then they haven't really seemed to be bothered or just don't understand or see the difference in how they are treated so to keep the peace i limit the battles. Well about 6 months ago she moved farther away. She is about an hour and half drive from our house and about an hour drive away from the other 2 girls Lynn and Elle. She make the drive to our town about once a month, whenever she has something to take care of here and she will swing by our house long enough to drop something off but stands by the door, is there maybe 5 minutes says hi and bye to the kids and leaves. I found out she was driving the hour to watch my niece play karate once a week but can't come see my kids so it went from favoring my oldest Kayla and leaving my other 2 out to her leaving all 3 out now which i was actually feeling better about the fact she couldn't treat my 2 lil ones different then my oldest anymore since she wasn't spending time with any of them but then my kids started getting upset that they missed nana. My son is only 4 so he doesn't see the different way he is treated and Anna my 6 year old just wants to see her nana. She knows she is treated differently cause she has asks me about it but at the same time she tells me she still misses her nana. She is a very loving child, she loves everybody no matter how they treat her which makes it worse for me. My heart aches for her :( she finally decided to pick up the kids to stay the night for the first time spending any time with them for 6 months. This was a couple nights ago and when they got home the next day I asked them the usual if they had fun at Nana's and my 6 year old daughter tells me they had fun during the day but she was scared at night. I asked her why was she scared. She said because her and Nolan my 4 year old son had to sleep in the living room by themselves while my 11 year old daughter slept with nana in her bed. I was beyond irratated by this. Anna told me she was still awake in the living room by herself when nana and sissy(Kayla) went to the bedroom to sleep. Anna said her and Nolan were scared but wouldn't go tell nana cause she was afraid nana would yell at her. Anna said to me "I was up almost all night cause the fan was making shadows and I couldn't sleep" I was so upset listening to her and then my son Nolan says "that's why Im not going back to nanas house nomore". I immediately told my hubby about this and he acted like it was no big deal. I didn't expect her to have all 3 kids sleep in her bed at all but I did expect all 3 kids to sleep together in the living room, not let my 11 year old sleep with her and my 6 and 4 year old sleep by themselves in a house they had never been to at all. Am I wrong to make this a big deal or should I stand my ground and tell her she is wrong because the hubby is certainly not helping make it better. Our son even told my hubby he was scared and not going back :(
@oneperfectone-you are so totally wrong with your thoughts. This is in no way, shape or form about me needing a break. My mother offers to take my children all the time just so I can get a break however 99 percent of the time I don't allow them to go because as much as I may need the break, my mother has always been my babysitter when it's needed if I'm working or when I was in school or have to go somewhere I can't take them and so I don't want her to have to have them for anymore then she already does which is much right now as I'm currently not working but I know I will return to work so it's kind of like her break right now. She loves having my kids over but still she needs this time more then I need a night out even if she says she don't. If I needed a night out I could simply leave the kids with my hubby as he is home at night but I don't care to go out, I'm happy to be home. This is simply about my children getting there hearts broken and not being able to enjoy their nana time as my oldest enjoys it. We continuously invite my MIL to our house and have told her over and over again she is welcome anytime. untill 6 months ago she has always lived a 30-45 minute drive away so it was her idea from the start to take them over night as she claimed it was more worth the while to just pick them up for the night then to just keep them for the day Even though I tell her all the time I will make the drive whenever she is ready for me to pick them up anytime. As far as demands go, my only demand is she treat them equally. Don't do for one what you wouldn't do for the other, especially in front of them. I have only asked her one time in 11 years to take my kids for the night while the hubby and I went to cedar point, she takes them on her own free will whenever she feels like taking them since she don't just come visit then I normally say yes everytime unless we have other family plans that we then always invite her to join.
To the grandmother that posted- thank you so much for responding, I was really hoping to get a grandmothers point of view on this. You are so right in saying it probably is difficult for her to have even the 2 girls let alone adding more and I totally understand that. That is why I suggested to her multiple times that if she wanted the one on one with Kayla and if it was to hard to have the other 2 at the same time then how about alternating like forming some kind of rotation with them. Whether she wanted to take one or 2 for a night and then the next time she was ready, she could take the other one or two that time. I thought it was a great idea as she then would have time to get to know and bond with Anna and Nolan as she with Kayla. Unfortunately she shrugged it off and it never happened that way. Her words were exactly "Kayla would be so upset if I didn't bring her too, I couldn't do that." I then pointed out that was exactly how Anna was feeling and Nolan would eventually feel. Not another word was said about it :( i even suggested that instead of taking Anna for the night then how about just pick her up for a day here and there while Kayla was at school and take her to the park to play or even just let her run errands with you, she agreed to that but never once followed through with that plan either, Nolan at that time was a baby so I was focused on Anna as she was the one getting upset at the time of that conversation. You sound like a wonderful grandma and thank you so much for your input. I will try to talk to her again, I never ever would want to keep her from any of my children as I really believe it is important for my kids to have both their nanas in their lives but at the same time, I know how it feels to be treated with less love and feel less important as my father did that with me my whole life, he never got to know me or even try for that matter, he very openly treated my siblings better then me and it hurt extremely bad growing up, we never formed a bond and eventually he just quit seeing me altogether. I was lucky to have a stepdad who treated me like his own and treated me equally among us kids and that's all I want from my MIL.
I'm going to add that I have always been very kind to my MIL, aside from this issue we get along great, I love her like a second mother and would do anything and everything for her at any time. I have always been respectful and kind to her and even when my hubby has his arguments with her I make him apoligize and tell him how wrong he is to disrespect his mother in that way. She calls me for comfort when they have a dispute. She is a great person overall and a wonderful nana to my oldest and my 2 nieces I just don't understand why she shows so little interest in my younger 2, they are great kids. Anna is also an extremely loving and sweet lil girl, she gets so upset if she feels someone don't like her (not that she feels that way now about her nana) but she tries so hard to be good, to be accepted and she is so emotional. And Nolan is such a smart and comical little boy, he is very good and also very cuddly. It just stomps me that she don't even seem to try to make an effort :(
So pretty much her limit is two kids and you don't think that is fair? Then I stopped reading because I cannot make heads or tails of one giant paragraph.
My dad and step-mother have 14 grandchildren. The oldest is/was treated like another one of the children...not grandchild...practically lived at their house...grandma took her shopping, bought over the top Christmas gifts, took her on vacation with them, etc etc etc.
My kids are numbers like #7 and #9 out of the 14. My daughter begged once to spend the night and so she got to go once. She is very well behaved, sleeps through the night alone and just fun. My son has never been invited or asked to go spend the night (but he hates sleeping anywhere but home).
One of the grand kids the youngest #14 is being treated just like number one was he practically lives there. In fact I think they did live there for a few months.
I can't control how she invites or "loves" each one because she does love/like each one different and is very open about it. My dad goes along with it to keep her happy and he loves all the kids.
So 5 kids or 14 kids, grandmas get to make the weird rules about who visits when and where...and we as mamas either agree or don't...and we can go along or not.
Good luck!! You are not alone in the strange world or grand kids and grandparent visits.
I didn't make it thru your post. I think I might understand why your MIL only takes the two older girls. I'm a grandma and i'm not able to frequently have both of the oldest ones at the same time Even tho I'm active and in good health.
When my grandson was born my granddaughter was 3. I could have managed with the two of them once my grandson was walking but I wouldn't have quality time with either of them. And I would have not enjoyed the time because i would be exhausted. I could take my granddaughter as a baby because she was the only one. Also because my grandson was a,baby he didn't care. Once he asked to stay overnight I gradually worked out that I could have each one on different nights. I could do this because I was retired and didn't have a busy social life.
Now there are two more grandchildren. The four are 14, 11, 4, and 2. The four yo has started asking to stay. We're starting with daytime visits. Because the older children are old enough to help one could say I can just add her to the other nights. Fortunately my daughter talks with me when we can listen to each other and work out boundaries.She understands how it's important for each child to have me to themselves and that I want to do that.
What I'm trying to say is having grandchildren stay with grandma is not as easy as saying let's do that. Your MIL has her reasons for not being as involved with your son as you want her to be. Try talking to her in a loving way. Try understanding her reasons. If you can treat her in a loving way instead of in a critical, judging way, you will have a more satisfying relationship with her. You may actually understand why she is doing this so that the two of you can work out a plan that meets both of your needs. Also know that you have the greater need to see that what you and your MIL agreed to works. My daughter calls me and says this one wants to see you. Often she is also proactive in making things work.
As to the first two girl grandchildren being treated diffently that is to be expected. She and the girls have a stronger bond, both because they were first and they are girls. I have a closer bond with my first granddaughter then with the next one. I love them all but in different ways. I was hardly involved with my grandson until he was 7 or 8.
At first my daughter demanded that I take him overnight. I didn't do it. Once she relaxed and we talked about each of ours expectations I started taking him overnight.I felt understood by her and she realized I wasn't taking him for reasons that are valid for me. I think it took us a couple of months supporting each other to work this out. Once I started spending more time with him we developed a mutual bond. But the bond is different.
My oldest is a girl. It's much easier to know how to be with them. It was
more difficult to develop a close relationship with my grandson. Part of that reason is a part of my own childhood. Have you considered that your MIL is a different person than you because of her own experiences. Try to be on her side. This will work much better than you judging her.
Edited after I read the last part about the overnight visit. Of course it had difficulties. Do you actually expect that a first time overnight will happen without a hitch. WHy be irritated with Grandma before trying to work this glitch out. It's not uncommon for kids to be scared in a new place and be scared to talk with Grandma. This is just the first night. I would sympathize with my children while telling them this can be worked out. Then, unless I knew Grandma would be mad go with them to talk with Grandma. Perhaps warn her first so she has time to think about it. You make the plan for talking and working this out.
I suggest your husband doesn't do anything because all he hears is your judgement. I suggest that if you can let go of your anger and focus on how we can make this different you will get better cooperation from your husband.
I don't know your MIL. Maybe she's difficult to talk with. Maybe she's set in her ways, or there are other reasons for you not have a comfortable and cooperative relationship. Know that you are a part of that disfunctional relationship. Isn't it worthwhile to let go of expecting Grandma to do things a certain way and learn how to work out situations so that your kids still feel loved. I didn't learn until I was an adult that my mother and my Dad's mother didn't get along and then I learned it from a cousin. Trying to control what someone else does and not accepting who they are in this minute is damaging to the whole family. My mother showed her love for her MIL by accepting her and her way of doing things without complaining or letting us know that she was having to make an effort. Both women, with maturity, learned how to get along in a pleasant way, never letting us kids to be concerned about Grandma's relationship to us.
My grandparents definitely favored me, the first grandchild and a girl. My grandparents lost a girl when she was 4 or so. My mother accepted their pain. Shen knew it was important for me to spend time with them Both for my sake and my grandparents' sake.
You are not accepting your children's grandmother as she is In relating to her grandchildren. You want her to be different. And you criticize her to your children which makes it nearly impossible for them to accept and love them as she is. Even if you consciously work at not letting them know how you feel about you MIL, they Still know. Why, since she's willing to keep them overnight, why are you unwilling to let her and the children work this out with help from you and their Dad? To do so would be a benefit to your children. Along with being able to get along with her, you are also teaching them how to resolve issues.
My grandchildren know when my daughter, their mom, and I are at odds even tho we're still nice to each other. My grandson, since he was 10, asks me why I'm sad. Kids are perceptive. Your kids know you want Grandma to treat them as they treat Kayla. They only know it's unfair because you tell them with your attitude.
Sounds like you do have a good relationship with your MIL except for the way she treats her grandchildren. It can be perceived as unfair or one can consider that this is the way she is. It does not mean that she loves them less. I agree it's unfair. My mom often said life is unfair. What counts is how we react to it.
I keep thinking of one more thing based on my experience. My children often need help from me. They used to apologize to me about asking. Finally they accepted my explanation for why my babysitting is not an imposition. I told them that I would tell them when I couldn't watch them or do something else for them. Deciding wether or not I watch them is my responsibility as is being sure I'm not overwhelmed and have the time and energy to do it. They should always ask.
Now I watch all of them at their house, which is much easier, one evening a week. I love to be with my grandchildren. I suggest you revisit why you don't ask. You MIL is not the same person as your grandmother and has different needs. I wonder if your MIL feels that you don't want her to watch them because you don't ask? I would ask several different times and see how it goes.
Now I'm the one writing a novel. Smile
Oh my goodness-- I could not get through all of this.
My advice to you: accept the relationships that MIL has to offer. You are being very controlling about the hows and particulars about your MILs relationships with the kids. I love the suggestion of having her over once every so often and calling it good. Make it pleasant for everyone. You can do that.
As long as they are safe, try to make the best of things. I think you've had lots of other good advice. Try to see things from beyond your own perspective. It sounds like you expect her to take all three. That's a lot of work for an older person and honestly, it sounds exhausting.
ETA: after reading your SWH litany, YOU are causing this heartache for your kids. YOU allow O. to go. YOU have the power to say NO. YOU can control when (ALL) kids see her. Is her treatment fair? Maybe not. But you need to accept the fact that you cannot control her behavior!
Just stop the insanity.
Seriously, I could hardly get through that post.
If you want your kids to spend time with/know your MIL? Invite her to YOUR house.
Stop trying to pawn off you kids, your way, with your demands and editorializing about right and wrong.
Take her house out of the equation withYOUR kids, and your problem is solved.
I doubt this is as much about quality time with grandma as it is about breaks, date nights and free time.
Get a sitter and go out.
Good luck.
Maybe your MIL got older?
Maybe she feels Kaya needs her more than Anna?
Did you have a similar situation growing up where one sibling or cousin was favored and it still bothers you?
I'm not gonna say that raising kids is easy and I do it perfectly, but since you asked....
Probably she has a stronger, relationship or bond with the 2 oldest children because she was able to take care of them so much when she was younger and had more energy. But you couldn't allow that, it bothered you more than it bothered the younger kids, all you had to say was because she's the oldest. period end of discussion but you made it into a big thing and probably ruined a great relationship between Kayla and grandma and prob Kayla and Lynn. since you asked-Yes you were wrong to make it a big deal. Do you find that you sometimes feel the need to control everything in your children's lives OR the need to make it always completely fair and equal? Try to step back and realize we cant control everything, and sometimes children will be treated differently but it is a life lesson for them and will make them better! Good luck, hope it goes well.
Can you make this post a little longer because I think you left out a couple details. jk. Really too much reading.
Here's the deal; your mil can't handle all the kids. She wanted special time with her first 2 granddaughters and fell into a routine that was comfortable. More kids changed the dynamics. I know because I have 5 grandchildren and having more than 1 or 2 at a time is hard.
Having said that you are the mom so you get to choose what will happen. No more sleep overs at grandma's house for any of your children because she doesn't seem to treat them all well. Instead invite her along to do things like go to the park with the kids. You can't change your mil. You can change the way to react to her treatment of your kids.
I just can't get through the novel but I did get through most of it. 1. If your oldest is high needs (she is based on her diagnosises) be thankful that she is getting this extra time she needs it. Your other kids will be fine 2. I think your MIL bonded more with the oldest two grandchildren bc she was up to taking both of them at a young age. Count your blessings your lucky she's done what she has I know so many people with hands off or completely uninvolved grandparents
3. Make special 1 on 1 tine and events with your other kids when the oldest is gone 4. Accept it and move on
OMG, I thought this was a word problem.
I kept forming math equations in my head while I was reading this. Really.
Grandparents do this. It is very frustrating. The worst part? Nothing you can do except change your expectations of her.
My grandmother did so many things with my older sister: flew to California, bought her dresses, bought her so many expensive things. They had a great bond. I was #3 and certainly got much less if anything. But I didn't care bc my sister was the oldest and was the first to do everything any way. That's the way life is.
Except her for who she is, and stop focusing on this. Your daughter probably wasn't even aware of this until you made it into a big deal. Life is not fair.
It doesn't sound like Anna and Nolan have a good time anyway.
Make your own fun with them while Kayla is away.
My MIL did the same thing, and you know what? It's her loss. She won't get that time back.
I also agree with what another poster said.....those two are probably all she can handle.
Wish I had more hopeful info for you
Right or wrong, and for whatever reason, grandparents don't always treat (or even love) all their grandchildren equally. Once you accept this you will be much happier, and you can decide whether or not you want your kids spending the night there at all.
You're the mom, it's up to you. You can't change other people, but you can decide how much time your kids spend with them.
i stopped reading this ridiculous novel pretty early on.
your MIL can develop different relationships with her grandkids. she's not parenting, you are.
let it be and stop all this endless rationalizing. you're not looking for solutions, you're looking for a cheering squad.
khairete
S.
You're not wrong in what you are feeling, but you will be much happier if you take a different approach.
Talk to your husband about it and decide together what criteria you want for sleepoevers - ie, what the kids can watch, eat, where they sleep, etc. Then when you make plans, you can talk to her about them.
This isn't about the cousins, so leave them out. It is hard when you have expectations. It's wonderful when you have family that wants to be a part of your children's lives, but they don't owe that to you or to them. It will help you immensely if you try not to have expectations. Rather than thinking about what someone else gets and comparing it to what your kids get, try to appreciate what she is able to do for them. Look at each thing that she does as a gift.
I understand that it was hard for you early on when she would take your oldest and your niece but not your younger daughter. From your perspective that's not logical. Try to look at it from her perspective. She isn't getting any younger. She was 11 years younger when your oldest was born. Also, they have a bond. It's one thing to have her overnight. It's another to bring the cousin along. But she got used to that. Enter your younger daughter. Remember when you had to get used to being the Mommy of 2 or 3 kids? Didn't that take some getting used to? The diapers excuse probably was just an excuse, but when it comes to young ones it really isn't easy. Adding another kid to the mix is a big deal, and at her age it is becoming a bigger and bigger deal every year. It doesn't matter how easy you feel your younger girl is or how you don't think it would be a big deal for her to add another kid, it's a big deal for her.
My sister had two kids (6 & 3) when my brother and I had our first. They used to watch my sister's kids for a couple of days, even a week. Never did that for me or my brother! We were lucky to get an evening. Now that our kids are older we sometimes get a day. But our parents are definitely not getting any younger, and it is so much harder for them than it was with my sister's kids. My brother and I knew that was going to happen, and our dad even said he felt bad. We're both just really glad he's still with us and enjoying the grandkids.
I think your best bet is to try not to have expectations. Decide with your husband what is and is not ok and then just let her know if there are any boundaries or instructions you have. It's not going to help your kids any if you keep comparing them to their cousins or if you get upset because of what she is or is not willing to do for your kids. Just be happy with what she can do and, as much as possible, be proactive about favoritism among your own kids.
Now that you have written this all out, make a copy, place it in a sealed envelope and do not waste any more time on this. Please learn from me. You cannot force or change this in anyone.
I have not spoken to my MIL in years. The reason is very similar to yours, except that our daughter was her first grandchild, is the only girl and completely easy and extremely bright, talented child from the beginning.
My MIL has always favored her daughter, so of course she favors her daughters 2 boys.
It has been one of the most heartbreaking things for me to witness, because my husband, her son, is the one as usual who has been hurt the most.
I could no longer witness this so once our daughter graduated from High School, I was done hiding this treatment from our daughter.. But, Our daughter is not a fool and said she had always noticed the difference in treatment.Our daughter gave me her blessings to do as I felt I needed. She and my husband still have a good relationship, even though, this treatment continues to this day.
I encourage our daughter and my husband to still go and visit to keep their relationship with her.
Of course my husband and our daughter love her, but it does hurt them. I on the other hand have not had to witness in person any more of these slights (which still continues to this day"., because I do not have to..
Accept her as she is. Realize this is her problem her, loss in the long run, but do not take it personally. If it starts to interfere in your happiness and daily lives, seek help. Find a therapist to vent to, because this quibble, can really harm your marriage and hurt your spirit.
I know, I have been there. Married for over 30 years and the hurt does not go away, but at least I know, SHE is the one with the problem, not me.
I am sending you strength. Take deep breaths and go and do something nice for a stranger in need. It will replenish your soul. Take all of the dark feelings and turn it around. Do not waste any more time keeping tabs and scores. It will eat you up. It is stealing your energy from your husband and your girls.
I tried to read this and be able to give any input but I could not get through the 1 paragraph novel and then the SWH novel.
Learn to communicate so no inlaws or your mom are in the dark on your feelings. Whew
Wow, I got lost in the paragraph many times trying to figure out what it was all about. You want your MIL to take all your kids and treat them the same as the first one. Well that ain't gonna happen no matter how hard you want to try. It does not have anything to do with the ADHD or OPP or whatever. It is what it is.
My MIL has never really gotten to know my two kids. She is 95 and still is clueless. My kids formed their own opinion of grandma a long time ago and they don't care. They forgot her birthday this year because they are adults working and hubby went ballistic Well he is now getting the wrath of kids and he doesn't like what he posted to them. If the shoe fits, wear it.
Thing is you can't force people to do things they don't want to do. If they do do it, they do it in such a way that it is not worth the fight.
Have your MIL visit your home and enjoy the kids there. Stop trying to tell her what to do with her grandkids. Time to find some new people to hang out with the will love your kids the way you want. Good luck.
I am polite and respect the woman but I don't know her. We have lived separate lives and being in the military I was not very close to her in distance shorter than a day a way by car all the others were by airplane.
So be careful of what you wish for. She could turn around and do a full 180 on your and where would you be? You will still be at a loss.
the other S.
Do you have a mom, aunt or dear friend who can fill the void?
We can not force your MIL to spend more time with your daughter, so I am just trying to think of a solution for you.
MIL is who she is and it's a choice she gets to make. She doesn't have to treat any of her grandchildren the same. They are different individuals and she is not getting any younger. How are you as their mother helping them deal with this reality? Even in school, extracurricular activities, camp, sunday school and every other place they can go you will find they may not be treated the same as others, it's called life. Teach them how to deal with life and this aspect of it.
Please drop your bias against MIL. You can't make her change. Doing this will help your babies deal in reality and not feel sorry for themselves or have you feeling sorry for them either. I agree with others it's time for you to do something special for them everytime grandmother treats their sister and cousins to time at her house.
Grandmother is not getting any younger and may have a hard time handling all those babies. Relax. It's not the end of the world. If you didn't stress about it perhaps your little ones wouldn't be so intense about it either.
Rather than fight about it, plan to visit your mil at her house once a month as a family and only for the day. No more overnights for any of them. And you stay for the visit for the day to make sure things don't get out of hand.
That way the kids get to visit with nana and you don't have to worry about how she is treating anyone in your absence.
My mom can't handle things she used to. She cannot handle taking kids overnight or having both kids. She thinks she can handle one of our kids at a time, but she's not sure. Maybe your MIL is getting too old to do this kind of thing and it stresses her out. When Kayla was born she felt like she could handle it and later on she somehow decided she cannot handle it anymore. But I agree it is unfair that she plays favorites. That is so wrong. Her son (your husband) needs to be the one to set boundaries with her consistently. He needs to make sure his mom is being fair and call her out when she is not being fair. If she is going to have all three kids spend the night...the three kids need to all sleep in the same room. He needs to tell her outright, "no more playing favorites with Kayla". The other kids notice and it's just plain wrong. They need to feel safe and like they can tell her if the fan scares them. He needs to tell her if she cannot help treating one child as the favorite then she cannot have them over for the night. Honestly, I would have the kids stop doing sleepovers. Go visit nana for the day from now on.
It would have been great if your MIL had rotated the kids from the beginning. I know my mother's friend did this with her daughter's four sons and then with her other daughter's kids, taking turn each weekend, always treating them equally. I can only tell you that it sounds as if your MIL was overwhelmed in the beginning and now maybe there are some hard feelings so she doesn't want to take any of your kids now. Not sure. If you're that close with her, though, I would talk to her and let her know how you feel - not angrily, but a heart to heart. On the other hand, I do know what you're going through. My oldest son sounds much like your daughter Kayla (he has ODD and we are working on an assessment for ADHD and he's super argumentative and instigates trouble, etc.). But it breaks my heart when my MIL comes over from Ireland and treats my oldest with disdain and is always nagging him and telling on him, etc., when she treats his younger twin brothers completely differently. She does nag all of them, but we all can tell she does not like my oldest son. Aside from his troubles, he's a sweet, intelligent, caring kid. It won't be long before he figures out what the rest of us already know, unfortunately. But there's no sense talking to her about it - she treats my husband differently than she treats his brothers as well and I've told her outright that she shouldn't do it as it's hurtful, but I have come to the conclusion that she will not change. So has my husband, so for three weeks a year when she comes (she used to come twice a year!), we put up with it all and brace for the fallout. And I give my oldest son extra cuddles and encouragement when she is around. Sigh.
I couldn't read your entire post, but I get it. Here's the thing, you can't change her. I have a former MIL who has four grandchildren. I have two girls (27 and 17) and my ex brother-in-law has a boy and a girl (29 and 24). She has outright said that she likes boys better (she raised two), and that she would rather spend time with her grandson than her granddaughters. She has even said things like this in front of them. As a result, my daughters and my niece can't stand her. (Thank goodness we don't live close by.)
I gave up years ago trying to fix this because you can't change people. Embrace the people you have in your life who do love your kids. That's about all you can do.
