I Can't Get in to Dave Ramsey, So You Ladies Will Have to Do....=)

When I was going through Altzheimers with my mom it really made me mad that because dad saved his whole life he would have to lose everything if my mom went in a home. On the flip side your mom is in a great place because she has nothing she will go straight on Medicaid and have everything paid for.

I know that some people just cannot save for their retirement, your mom seems to be one of them so I really don't mind pointing out save your money long term care will be paid by the government.

My uncle on the other hand..... :( That is another story

Oh just in case you are ever faced with the need for long term care, they will lie to you to try to get you to pony up cash, it is bull, she can go straight into a nursing home.

OOOHHHH the state run facilities!!! The worst my uncle has to complain about is he has a room mate. His room overlooks the river, normal folk have to pay $5,000 a month to stay there. Oh yeah, Medicaid beds are terrible.

I am starting to feel like I have seen too much in my life, I am becoming cynical. :(

Look into Long Term Care insurance...even if you have to pay the premiums. It will save so much heartache later.

I just talked my sixty-something year old financially stable dad into getting some. Assisted living or nursing home care is ridiculously expensive and there are state funded care facilities (but you really don't want a loved one to HAVE to go to one).

I'm an insurance agent and when you wait until an older age to get insurance I'm sure you know the cost is ridiculous compared to what it would have been locked in at a younger age. That being said, yes, you can get LTC for them but it will be a huge cost.

I'm an only child also, don't know my dad and my mom is the same. However, I don't feel *obligated* to financially care for my mom when she wasn't responsible enough to plan for this during her life time. I can't put that extra burden financially on my husband and I. That doesn't mean I'm going to shove her in a home somewhere and forget about her either.

I think you are being very kind and supportive in trying to plan to help your parents. I think you just need to talk to a LTC person to see what the cost is to see if its something you guys can manage. If not, then don't feel bad for the poor choices your parents made. It isn't up to you to come to the rescue and fix it although you feel you have to. Just my opinion. Good luck.

I am with your husband on this one... it's your job to love and support them in their old age, but not to pay for their choices. My husband's parents didn't save a dime. They have lived in their home for 30+ years and still have a mortgage on it, no life insurance, no savings to speak of and credit card debt. When my FIL died in March, we loaned my MIL money for the funeral until she received the insurance check because she couldn't pay the fees and there was NOTHING in the estate. Yet... she has money to pay for my niece's karate lessons and to go gambling whenever she wants to. We are on the same page fortunately, but we will NOT be paying for her to be able to stay in her home just because she wants to. Again- they made the choices in life that resulted in them being in their late 60's and living paycheck-to-paycheck.

Life is about choices and living with the consequences of those choices. You do NOT have to pay for their long-term care, nor should you. You can offer to help your mother seek-out funding and supports but do not pay for their expenses. It will put your own family's financial stability in jeopardy and will impact your own long-term care.

There are other ways you can help- cook meals, visit frequently, purchase specific items if needed... but picking up the tab for her elder care shouldn't fall on you.

To the best of my knowledge, medicare would pick up the tab. That would mean they get to pick the facilitie she will live in.

Your hubby and kids come first. You need to get yourself out of debt.

There are care options for people with little or no income. many just take the entire SS check. However, LTC insurance might increase the options you have when the time comes. Depends what you can and can't afford I guess.
As for DR---like he says--just bang out that debt! It makes ALL options better once the debt is gone.
Good luck!

I don't know if you can convince your parents, but I forced my relative to buy Long Term Care Insurance. I could not/would not quit my job that I needed to pay off my college loans. Plus, he saved and gave money away to moochers who would not help him. He had the money so I went for the cadillac of policies. So far, it has paid $250,000.00 out. It covers him living in an assited living facility. Once he gets bad enough to go into a nursing home, Medicare will kick in.

Medicaid will cover some people, but it didn't cover my former MIL. assets(cash,home, car) has to be under $1500. They don't count funeral and cemetary costs that can be prepaid. She had 8 kicks and one basically paid her expenses while 2 helped her around the house. Five did NOTHING.

My family was abusive, lying in court to protect the most abusive one who literally almost killed me. I told them they better quit blowing their money, my family comes first. Some chose not to, but they are getting by just fine.

My mom was in a state facility. They are absolutely terrible but it is so outrageously expensive to have private care, you don't have a choice.

I always bought my mom clothing, undergarments & toiletries but the staff stole all of it. This alone will cost you a bundle

Your hands are tied. So unless you win the lotto, not much you can do. My mom was in a facility in Chicago. So maybe if you keep her out in the burbs or rural areas it will be better. Best wishes

I kind of have the same issue with my husband over his parents. His father is very ill, and his mother has never really worked outside the home but works very hard now to care for him. They are in another country. As an American, I was raised thinking that females can work and have worked many, many years. My husband is forever coming up with money for his parents, his family who can't get jobs but I point out that he worked hard to get here at this point in his life and they made different decisions which keep them without jobs or money. And I do not feel like if I have worked so many years why do I have to give my money to people who don't? At any rate so I see both your sides. We have really not worked this issue out, but my husband is aware of how I feel and he does still give them money but he at least confers with me on it. Obviously you care but you have to understand that you cannot provide for them. You could perhaps take a certain amount of money out, however small and save it monthly for any emergency or you could donate once in awhile or you could put aside (which doesn't seem likely in your case) an extra few bucks every month or so. Sadly when we have our own families we do have to get tougher. If you have it then of course give it away freely. But if you (as we have in our case at times) had to borrow Peter to pay Paul (or our parents for example) then you aren't really helping anyone. Good luck. I know this is tough.

I am on you husbands side. They needed to plan for their future just as you do. You have children to put through college and your own bills. I have to get my retirement plan back on track because it is not my childrens responsibility and I think I have been a pretty good mom to all 3 of them and a wonderful grandmother to my 1 so far, but I don't expect them to put their life on hold to take care of me.

I had the same situation with my parents. I would have really resented taking away from my children to give them when they did not do that for me. But my mother lived on Social Security for many years. She stayed within her means. When she became ill, I was really impressed with the care she received through Medicaid. It was just as good as my private insurance would have paid. The only thing that we would have had to pay for was the nursing home if she had lived longer.

You say she is 63. She is fairly young unless she has huge health issues could lead a healthy, independent life for at least 20 more years. If she is currently healthy and working have a discussion with her and let her know up front that you and your family are trying to get ahead of the game and pay down debt. Ask her what she is doing to help herself once she decided to retire or if like my MIL had an insurance policy in place that no one knew about that took care of some bills. Let her know that you are not in a financial position to help her and see what she has planned. If she has the fly by the seat of her pants planned or figured you would take her in to your home and figure it out it is better to get this all settled now so everyone knows where they stand. If she is already in poor health it is time to start to read what the requirements are for state aid, or disability or social security and get her in the mindset of what may have to happen. Please don't jepardize your home, your kids and your future for the unwillingness or unknowingness that has led to her set up for retirement. Set up for your own, if you work maxmize your retirement savings through your work plan, then put aside an additional 20 percent for savings for an emergency plan that will cover a years worth of frugal living at your current residence. Then recheck your budget, groceries to utilities to interest rates on mortgage to car payments, to memberships. Cut anything you can so that bills are paid at a higher rate so debt is reduced as quickly as possible. If needed get a part time job for the holidays so that there is not a need to create any debt for the holidays and come out ahead, don't go overboard on holidays. Sorry to have added the end, but you said you had a ton of debt and couldn't do DR, so just work smart, decrease lifestyle a little so you won't have to face the same fate as Mom.