Mother in Law Creating Problems for the Holidays.

No more inviting her over. Have two separate family things. I don't know if your MIL has a screw loose, but it really sounds like it, since she isn't cooking anymore and she would have the audacity to tell people in her home that they can't come in one of the rooms of her house to watch family open gifts. (Could it POSSIBLY be that she is in early stage Alzheimer's? Really and truly, from an outsider, it sounds like this is a real possibility...)

You go over there on Christmas Eve DAY and stay home with your parents on Christmas Eve NIGHT. That way you are at both places. Your husband should stay at your home for your son in the morning. He should enjoy Christmas morning in his jammies in his own house, whether your parents are there or not. In the afternoon, if your husband wants to go visit his parents while you are at work, your parents will be fine on their own.

I would never invite them to a dinner at your house while your parents are there. It's one thing for you to have to put up with rudeness. You should not subject your family to her rudeness. I hate to say this, but I predict that your MIL is not really well in her mind, and it will be born out in the years to come, and things will only get worse.

Dawn

Beenthere and Dawn have very perceptive and interesting posts -- please take a second look at those. Is this behavior of MIL's, being carelessly rude to your family, insisting on her routines, etc., getting worse? Does she seem to cling to your husband and the rest of her nuclear family more, or has it always been this bad? If the behaviors and attitude seem to have been getting worse -- it may be a sign of aging (but not necessarily Alzheimer's as someone mentioned -- that's quite a leap to make). Older people can grow irrationally clingy about having things EXACTLY as they "always have been" even if, in reality, things have changed in some years. They also can grow suspicious of people they've been acquaintances with for a long time (has she always treated your family badly or is that too a more recent issue?). I'd sit down with your husband and other relatives and see if anyone else notices changes in her. She may be utterly unaware of how offensively she's behaving. This is not an excuse -- but just a possible explanation.

As for the immediate issue: Your husband (not you! Why, on Mamapedia, are the daughters-in-law always, always the ones wrangling with MILs when it's the son/husbands who should deal with mom?....) should tell her: "We reallly would be delighted to have you over on Sunday. It's our big family celebration and we want you there. We're planning X, Y and Z, which we think you'll enjoy. If you think it's too much trouble to bring everyone over here -- we will help people get here and pick you up if you want. But this is the day it all happens, and we do plan to spend Christmas Eve and Christmas day here at home with Nicole's family this year so we won't be at your house on Monday. We've been really clear about these plans for a while now so that no one, including you, felt blindsided or left out. If you choose not to come on Sunday we will miss you but the celebration will go on. We'd truly prefer to have you here and will try to make that possible but it is your choice."

Then have a LOT of specific activities planned at your place for Sunday if she does come. I would not let things slow down while she's there as it gives her an opening to make comments or say offhand, snarky things to your side of the family. Have a schedule in your head and always be ready to say, "Okay, it's time to take photos!" or "Now we're going to have the kids sing carol X" or whatever. Keep the focus on the younger ones, have activities always ready to go, and have a definite ending time for this get-together -- don't let it turn into hours and hours of hanging-out time, if you worry about her behavior toward others. It actually would help if you can enlist someone who has to drive her to your house and who can be the one to say, "We need to leave at (time X)...leaving in 30 minutes....hey, Nicole packed us some fruitcake, isn't that nice, since we have to leave in 10 minutes..." etc. (Kind of like with a toddler: Constant reminders that departure is coming.)

Sounds like my mother in law. Just odd and very awkward.. She thinks she knows what she wants.. But it ends up being a big mess.

The year our daughter was born, she was upset because her daughter was going out of state with her husbands family. Mil told me "since no one will be here for Christmas, I am not going to do anything.. Not even put up the tree.." Interesting, we were going to be here.... with her first grandchild.

So my husband offered that we would make the meal.. She said, no, that she would not be in the holiday spirit... FYI, I no longer go over there.. I encourage our daughter and my husband to go, but they drag their feet..such a shame..

You and your husband decide what you are going to do. If you want to include MIL, invite her.. Accept her answer and just move on..

Yeah, I think she's not hitting on all cylinders. I believe you have had a good relationship with her but she is not really herself right now. Her world is getting smaller and smaller. She can't think ahead very well. Or even realize she is not doing the work. She is demanding more and loving less.
Pretty typical aging. Kind of like a 4 yr old with charge of the house.
See if you can get her to come on Sunday and get people to reassure her and help her there. She likes routine and this is out of her comfort zone.

You have bigger problems than Christmas. I hope she has all the paperwork in place like she needs. A will, her medical wishes known.
Your family needs to be on her Hippa at all her doctors and any hospital she has to be in. A Power of Attorney and medical POA if possible.
It sounds like we are going overboard but sometimes those closest can't see things as they truly are when things are going south.

First, Nicole, I think that was one of the best posts titles I've read in a while. The mental image of your MIL 'creating' problems was almost like she was doing some sort of arts and crafts project, fussing just so over a 'problem' as though it were a project.

Sorry--just my sense of humor. But it was a lovely, silly, mental image.

Did something happen between your family and her, or is your MIL twelve? Freaking seriously....the behavior you describe either screams "other big personality issue" or "just plain nuts" or incredibly insensitive. However, since she was already backpedaling away from an invite before it came, maybe there's something deeper going on for her. A personal crisis she can't discuss?

That said, don't persist in inviting them. Invite your family, do what you want to do, and let them go. She's made it clear she's not coming over. Perhaps she wants a big fuss made over her? I wouldn't do that. Let her learn that when she makes her boundary, you will respect it and that she's not so critical to your happiness (and your husband's) that she's going to get her way on everything. "Too much trouble" runs both ways-- if it's too much trouble for her to be gracious, get off her dime, and make an effort a few days before Christmas (unless she's in a wheelchair attached to an oxygen tank--in which case I could see her side, but I've got a feeling you didn't leave that out!)--well then, consider yourselves off the hook. How rude! :)~

ETA: interesting take on the behavior being pre-Alzheimers or something else debilitating. Leave it to Dawn to find the nuance where I'm just seeing a troublemaker!:)

You do what is best for you, your husband, and your child. The extended family will have to adjust as needed.

I like the idea of graciously inviting her to Sunday and offering to help them "get" there if that's the issue. Also, it's fine to let them know you'll be celebrating this year at you house, and ALL family is welcome (her and your mom etc) - if that's what you want....OR just let her know it's for your family this year and maybe set up a rotational schedule? I know since we had kids (6 years ago -we have 2). I no longer to another state to see my parents, and likely won't until Santa stops coming to our house... but they are ALWAYS welcome at my home. Same with my Mother in Law. She's offered Christmas dinner often, but I insist we are staying home and enjoying the day in our PJs. You and your husband need to decide what's best for your family and stick with it (nicely). The GREAT news is that you and he seem to be on the same page :) Best of luck and I hope you do get to enjoy your Christmas!!!

It's hard to do.. BUT.. try and enjoy the holidays with or without her.. You are probably gonna eat dinner on Sunday regardless of who comes over, therefore, keep the invite open and simply say, we are eating at this time...

Try and not feed into her negative energy.. You can't change her behavior. Make your Christmas plans and let the rest go.. Those who want to join in the fun .. will... and those who don't... will stay behind..

if she doesn't come over, simply tell people she chose not to come over and be done with it.... Don't help your MIL perpetuate the doom and gloom.

dear gods, she sounds just awful!
leave the invitation open and see what she does with it. if she comes, nice, and if she doesn't, her loss.
don't let her ruin it for you!!!
very smart to have your husband deal with her on christmas day.
blick.
khairete
S.

Wow she sounds horrible and miserable. I wouldn't push it. The invitation is out there any she can come if she wants. She sounds pretty childish if you ask me. If she doesn't come than she misses out. Since she was so rude to your family last year I wouldn't be giving her an inch this year. Best of luck.

Dear Nicole,
I think it's very important that you enjoy the holidays. While you can't control how she reacts and interacts with your family, you can control how you react to it.
I think that it's very important that you make the best of your holiday. You have your family, they will be there with you. Also you have done your part by asking them, I would ask them once more if they want to come. If not that's fine, also I think its a great idea that hubby and son go visit for a little while on xmas day. Don't let anyone prevent you from having the great holiday you deserve.

Why would you want to spend any time with this woman? If I were you, I would take every opportunity to pass. If anyone treated my mom that way or my family, they would never see us again. I would cancel and spend time with your own family at home. Don't let her have the "power" and ruin any plans. Nip it in the bud and put her in her place.

You invited her, she refused. Simple as that. Don't push the issue.

Enjoy your Christmas with the people who actually want to be there.

Ahh GEEZZE
Time to EXPLAIN "family" to her. She needs to understand that ONLY family was there that night. Let's see here YOUR son has 2 count them 2 grandmothers daddy's mom and mommy's mom and he is related by blood to BOTH of them. So she is now and forever related to you and your Mom through her grandson that she SHARES with is other grandmother.

Sorry it that sounded snarky but that attitude just gets to me. My mom was the same way. The only family she ever belonged to was the family she grew up in. Her parents and siblings ---- I was not part of her family -- she actually told me that.

Also explain to MIL that love multiplies never divides. When it divides it is no longer love but control or control freak.

Two rude issues on both of your sides:
1. She said only family in the other room? WOW!
2. You said, "How she treats YOUR family". The son/husband was hers before he was yours. You and he are susceptible to divorce--she and he are not.

Ok, first of all whatever you and hubby decide is best for your household and whatever traditions YOU TWO set in place is how it should go. Don't let in-laws, including MIL dictate on any level.

Second, MIL traditions do not have you to be your traditions!!! Create your own with your hubby. That will make for an enjoyable and peaceful holiday. Trust me!!!

We had to make the decision not to do joint family events anymore bc my MIL was rude to my family several times over the past 12 yrs. July 4, 2011 was the final straw. She actually asked if we'd take her with us to my family's house for Christmas. NOT FREAKING HAPPENING!!! We spent Thanksgiving with her and now Christmas with my family. We did the opposite last year. We rotate holidays, we do not separate to please in-laws on either side. Next year we want to do a Disney Christmas so we won't be with either side. Our choice, our decision.

If it were me, I wouldn't even do Sunday, I would keep the holidays as they have been. I would invite the in laws over, if they come, fine, if not, no big deal. If your husband wants to stop by there house on christmas day with your son for a visit, great, I would just stay home with my family. No obligation to try to get both families together when clearly they don't like each other and it isn't fun for anyone. JMO Good luck!