Mother in Law Advise

I think that you should just say thank you and be happy that she gave you anything at all. I would not tell her in any way that you do not like what she buys. That is horrible. Think of how you would feel if you picked out a nice gift for someone and he/she told you that he/she did not like it. My mother-in-law sent my son $2 for his birthday and an adult card. Be thankful for what you have.

I have a slightly different take on this ... perhaps because I will soon be a MIL. Perhaps the key is focusing on the relationship with the MIL rather than what she's buying you. You mention that "it is not like we ever hang on our own time" so I imagine it's difficult for her to buy you things you like. It appears that she has good intentions so perhaps working on a closer relationship would bring you more rewards in terms of both the relationship and as she gets to know you better she would be better prepared to give you gifts that you like. This time together has the added benefit of your getting to know her so some of the gifts might mean more to you even if they aren't your style. There are lots of ways to spend time together that would be a chance to deepen the relationship and communicate your style and what you like ... trips to the mall (without specific shopping), going to the art museums, etc. As a final note as a MIL, I would rather know something you liked about a gift (the color was great) and why you had the return it (I just don't have room for something that large) than to have this continue. Perhaps suggesting that you return it and buy something else together would help the relationship and get you what you want! Good luck!

Hi B.:
You are doing better than I did with an over-bearing mother-in-law, I only lasted 5 years. If your husband won't speak to his mother and explain to her that her gifts are very nice and good quality they are just not your taste. Then you have to talk to her. When she buys you clothing items you could say something like thank you so much but I already have a red sweater. Could I have the gift receipt so I can exchange it for something else? If she says she doesn't have a receipt see if you can find out which store it came from and if you can return it for a merchandise voucher or exchange. Many stores will return stuff at holiday time without a receipt. As far as the household items are concerned. You will have to stay strong and say thank you but we don't have room for this or its the wrong color.
You need to have a talk with your husband and tell him it's either me and our son or your Mom make a choice. If I had done this I might still be married. He put his Mother above everything and she was the only person who knew how to do anything right. She had the best taste etc-etc-etc. I divorced him after 5.5 yrs because he had finally gotten his BS degree and had turned down several job offers because they were too far away from his Mother and she might need him. He remarried 4 yrs later and his second wife had a job transfer she had to accept and she told him it's me or your Mom make a choice. He did and they are still together. Stand strong.

If you know where she has purchased the stuff just simply return it and get yourself something you like or put the money away. Her feelings will be hurt no matter what you do if that is the type of woman she is.

I deal with this, last year my mother in law gave me a dressy red cloak and read hat and mittens so I could be part of the red hat society at 27 it was a nice gift just the wrong time in my life. But I have learned no matter how much I disagree with the traditions on my husbands side of the family or the monetary value and randomness of gifts I say thank you and pass the gift on to someone who can use it. My marriage is worth more than throwing a fit over a gift and by insulting my mother in laws gift style, my husband views it as insulting her, which leads to problems for us. When she gave us stuff we didn't have room for I politely asked her to keep the gifts smaller due to the fact we are running out of room or at least please consult us on large items so we can determine if we have a place for them. Not that we don't love the large gifts we just would like space to be able to enjoy them. I have to remember when I get upset with my mother in law that she raised my hubby and he is her baby and he is protective of her as he is of me. The last thing my husband wants to see is his two favorite women argue but he also doesn't want in the middle, and I have to watch my words as to not hurt him by the way I speak about his mom. She means the best but me coming from a lower class family gifts were always practical for instance my parents gave us tires on our car or a used washer and dryer. My mother in law is about show and fun and impractical so when I get stuff to set on shelves or dressy red cloaks (when I never dress up) I have to understand she is just trying to add a little fun and give me something I would never give myself even if it isn't my style I should thank her because she thought of me.
Thats just kinda what I learned this holiday season about my mother in law and my family in law by the time it was all said and done.

Suggest taht some of the things she buys be kept at hre home for your son to enjoy there when he visits, even if it is only once i a while. The thigs she buys may change to fit her lifestyle and size of her home.

If there are things you could re-cycle by giving to someone you know would like the item, give it to them and save on your own budget.

Avoid telling her to stop it, this si something you can handle by redirecting who has to deal with the stuff. You control what you want to do with it, not what you want to do with her

B., you need to sit down with M-I-L (MOTHER IN LAW) AND honestly tell her how you feel. This is the most easy way to deal with the problem: head on. How you tell her is that you just be straight with her. Suggest that you do want a good relationship but that this is a stumbling block for you. Ask her for the gift of giving you what you can enjoy - or use. Like spa days together; or dinner out at a fancy restaurant (together?) Maybe she is looking for a daughter...or a friend, but just does the spending thing because it makes her in control. Control is a very bad thing for relationships. But your telling others what the problem is, won't solve anything. She is trying to pick what she wants to give. Alternately, ask her for a room addition to start putting in all these things that are too big to fit and don't accentuate your life. Many times we fail to be straight with others thinking that will hurt us, or make us look bad. I think she has some need to push your buttons and is using the control to get at you. This is just my former counselor "opinion" though. But, speaking from the position of a sister watching my sister go through similar things (only with them it was in the end the kiss of death: Mommie's boy stayed with Mommie and abandoned wife after she had spent 13 years supporting him AND THEIR 5 CHILDREN). This is not going away. She will keep doing whatever she gets by with, until somehow you have the courage to end it. There's a great book that deals with this stuff; it is entitled "The Disease To Please". You will never succeed in reigning this in. She needs to figure it out with you, or be filed away as the ex-MIL. Best wishes. You can do this! M

My sister had/has that problem with her mother-in-law. She finally got used to all the money being spent on her family and started directing her mother-in-law to the gifts that she actually wanted. Now she keeps wishlists going on various online stores so that she gets things she wants. It's still too much, but it's more directed. Are you able or, probably more effectively, is her SON able to drop hints or be more direct about what you would like to receive?
This may be her way to build a relationship with you. And your relationship with her is what is really important even if your house does look like an upscale garage sale for a while.

Oh I have so been there. I dealt with this for over 10 years before I finally had the courage to say something. I started with hints before birthdays/Christmas & ended with having my husband actaully say soemthing her (he also bought things he did not particularly like so that at least was easier). She now asks before hand & often does a combination gift for both me & my husband. Thankfully she also normally askes what type of thing her only grandchild would like as well so we do not end up with items we do no want in our house.
The best advice is to just tell her. Start with hinting & when you receive a gift you do not like. Let her know as nicely as possible that it does not fit your style, you don't have room etc. It will take time but hopefully eventually you can come to an agreement.

However I still do receive small items that I open & still look at and think "What??????Why?????"

Have you ever heard the saying about looking a gift horse in the mouth? It would be rude to tell her you don't like her taste in gifts. She's trying to give you things she thinks you would like or need. Say thank you and then dispose of the gifts by returning them, selling them or giving them to someone else who would like them. Before the next holiday do some hinting, but if she doesn't get the hint be gracious and grateful.

I know what you're talking about regarding the rocky relationship with the MIL. Been there done that. I found I was having difficulties talking to her face to face about anything, over the phone was a bit easier, but still difficult. So I broke down and started emailing her (not sure if your MIL has email or not). Telling her how I felt about things got easier that way, and our relationship has grown amazingly (ie: I feel more comfortable taking my kids over to their house without my husband in tow - which was unheard of about 2 years ago)
For Christmas an easy solution is to make a "Christmas list" for your son, and add things for your husband and yourself to the list. Not always used, but at least it's a start. I still have troubles with the gifts given to me (she keeps giving me picture frames for my house, and I don't like hanging up pictures - not who I am, I like my walls clear and clean).
Good luck!
M.

You need to have your husband, her son, address this. Simply have him tell her how grateful that you both are to have such a generous mother/grandmother/mother-in-law, and let her know that from now on, that you would simply prefer more functional gifts--like cash to help with your bills, to put into savings, or if she really wants to, a membership to your local zoo or museum--gifts that have a greater purpose and that keep on giving. She may also be trying to endear herself to you, so that she can see her son and grandson more. She probably fully realizes that she is no longer her son's first priority, or even second or third or fourth, and that is a really hard adjustment. Try to think about when your son gets married and has a child...how would you like to be treated by your daughter-in-law? Try to keep that in mind, take a deep breath, and remember....she can't be all bad! She raised your husband to be a decent guy, right? Good luck, though! I know this can be a tenuous experience!

It sounds like your mother in law is trying hard with not knowing you very well. My mother in law also gives odd gifts now that she is older and my own grandmother did the same. It seems that you just have to either get to know her by spending extra time with her. Take her shopping with you before christmas season and "window shop" so she can see what kind of things you do like. Take her to the jewelry store and say "Isn't that a beautiful ring" or necklace. Take her through the home areas pointing out things you wouldn't mind having in your house, a mirror or a print. Take her through the clothing areas and point out what kind of tops you like. Maybe you can get ideas of what she likes also. One thing I did this year after last year getting a shirt that is one size fits all because it stretches as big as it needs to and it was a gold scaley looking thing, I told my mother in law before christmas that I would really love a new zip up robe. Mine was getting worn out and I figured it was something I could buy for myself but it would be better to let her know I needed one. It worked beautifully and I recieved a very pretty robe that I love.

Or accept what she gives you graciously and give it away or return it for something else.

For all the daughter in laws out there and the son in laws... remember, how graciously you accept a gift is how your child is going to learn to act. It will keep them as teens saying "grandma I don't like that." I always told my children to say thank you and be glad they care enough to buy you one.

As for the bigger things she buys, you can do what my daughter in law does when I buy big items for my granddaughter...she says "we don't have room for this in my small house, can she keep it over here?" I really don't mind, my granddaughter spends a lot of time here and she has lots to play with... a whole toy store!

Mother in laws are just mothers who don't know you as well. We love our sons and daughters and we will accept you as one of our children with a little give and take on both sides. Those "momma boys" as you call them are raised in a way that you fell in love with them and if they are treating their mother with respect they are teaching your children to teach their mother with respect. If you are competing with your mother in law for your husband it could be a bit of a problem on both side, she may not have let go... you may be overly sensitive about what he does for his mother. My mother in law and I get along great because I always treat her with respect and never get upset with how close she is to my husband or my children and I certainly wouldn't put my husband in the middle of her and me. If I had problems I would tell her and we would solve it together, if we could, if we can't and it was something she didn't have a say in (what we name our children or what kind of bed I bought for my son) then I just tell her that this is my decision and I will take her opinion in concideration but do as I think is right. Family peace is so important.

Maybe your husband needs to get involved. He can tell her more easily that she's buying gifts that are too big and unneeded, in a nice way. Can you recruit his help?? Maybe each year he could give her some "little hints" of what you might want.
That's really hard, because you can't get rid of big things, because she would know. If it was something little, you could get rid of it and she would never know.

B. -
There are several options ... BEFORE your birthday/Christmas or whatever the case comes around, you can send her an email/postal letter etc and explain to her that from now on - you requesting that anything that she WAS going to get you be spent on those less fortunate. You can always put in a "for example" so she'll know what you mean, like: buy a bouncing horse for the children's wing at the local hospital, or write a check for the battered woman's shelter, donate to the local food bank in your honor, commit to reading to the children of the homeless shelter for 10 hours this month.

No-one in their right mind could be upset or mad over that. You could explain that growing up you were taught to give more of yourself as a gift and less giving an item and this would mean the world to you if she did this as your gift. Tell her that you are also trying to teach your son some of those same values to give to those less fortunate.

Good luck and blessings sent your way!
D.

How often is she over at your house? Is it possible that you can make some of this stuff "disappear" (i.e., Craigslist or Freecycle)? It won't stop her from buying you future gifts, but at least you can keep the clutter under control.

One sly way to get rid of stuff is to first put it in storage. When your husband or MIL ask where "x" is, tell them you put it in the basement/attic/garage because you needed room for whatever. After a couple of months, get rid of it.

Of course, this doesn't get to the root of the problem. I would NOT comment on gifts that have already been received. Though tempting--and I'm speaking from personal experience here--it's in bad taste, impolite, and you run the risk of making birthdays and Christmas awkward.

However, I would drop hints for future gifts. "I saw a cast iron skillet on t.v. the other day. Have you used one? I would love to get one." At least then, you would be getting stuff you could actually use.

My son is my mom's only grandchild, and she was lavishing him with way too much stuff. I steered her towards stuff he really NEEDED, and then I told her that anything else would have to be kept at HER house for when he visits. That pretty much squelched that!

You've gotten a lot of good advice already. Here's a few more ideas:
Try mentioning things you would like to do as a family or couple.
Our family has really gotten into games - kid games and adult. Game nights are excellent family time.
Mention that you think the family would really enjoy an annual pass to the zoo, museum, gym, etc. Or how about swim lessons for the kids?
How about a night stay at a B&B or hotel for you and your husband and she watches the kids?
Your husband would be a great advocate on sharing these ideas with your MIL.
Share a wish list for everyone in the family with her. Mention that you are trying to avoid duplicates.
If you can stand it, invite her to shop with you sometime. Just spending a few hours with her might give her greater insight to your families likes.
Wish you well!

I know this isn't the perfect solution but how about suggesting that she put some of that money she spends into a college fund for the kids?

Maybe you should suggest that she buy you a bigger house? Just kidding, of course.

Hi B.,

I'm thinking that you meant you DON'T hate her...not that you do. :)

Here are some ideas that I hope might work for you...

1.Perhaps you can check out FLYLADY.NET, then tell her about how you found this great website on helping you to declutter your home and that you could use her help to not bring things into the house that you either don't love, won't use, or have no room for and that someone else could and would love, use, and have room for. That goes for things besides what she's given you, too. :) Freecycle is great for that!
2. Suggest that for future birthdays, give you non-space-taking items such as movie tickets, cash, etc.
3. Tell her while you appreciate the thought behind the gifts, they really aren't "you", "you and your husband", "your family", or "your decor" for "YOUR HOME". 4. Maybe suggest a shopping trip so that she can learn your tastes in design, frugalness, etc. Perhaps her thought behind those gifts were to "pamper" you as you sound fairly frugal in your buying habits (a VERY good thing, especially these days). Perhaps also suggesting a gift card to Cub, Rainbow, or Target to help with monthly expenses...promise her you'll get a little keepsake thing for yourself and she may be okay with that. With the economy as it is, and you working weekends to help make ends meet, she should have no trouble understanding this and shouldn't take it personally.
5. If she wants to lavish her only grandchild, ask her to start a savings account fo him for college and keep the toys, etc, to a minimum and small enough to fit in his room.
6. Perhaps your husband can have a talk with her as it also sounds like she is still buying things to decorate his room...comforter, game table, desk, etc???

Sorry this is scattered and long, but I just jotted thoughts as they came. Good luck!

Have you tried talking to your husband about it? maybe he should talk with her rather than you if the relationship is not that solid. Just a thought.

I like the idea of discussing flylady.net with her and telling her that you are really trying to simplify in your small home, etc..... start dropping hints early. However, I'm guessing that won't be enough. I'd also enlist your husband and have him give her ideas right before the holiday. He could say "B. really has her eye on XYZ" or something...

Good luck - it isn't easy.

I would recommend voicing your concerns to your husband and having him talk to his mom. Sounds like that would work the best, as long as he makes it sound like you both are in agreement on the situation. I'd give other suggestions on what she could give instead of the kinds of gifts she was giving you before. Good luck! It's a touchy situation.

It may be best to have her son, your husband , talk to her about the large gifts conserning the grandson and household stuff as he could explain the space problem without annoying her. You are going to have to break it to her yourself though about not exactly liking he choice of gifts for you or try steering her towards things you do like. I had a mother-in-law who bought me stuff I detested until I actually bought her something I felt sure she wouldn't like, it worked. She actually started to listen to my likes and dislikes and yes, I married her eldest son and the woman detested me for 17 years. I didn't want to hurt her feelings as it would have just made the situation worse if that was possible. One year she gave me two of the ugliest cat figurines I had ever seen.