let's start by saying my MIL has never been mean or unkind to me, she tries to be helpful but she still gets on my nerves after a couple days of a visit. I wouldn't even say that I don't like her she just drives me crazy after a while. In any case I over heard her tell my husband over the phone that the next time we visit MY family who lives 9 hrs away she would like to come with. My family in the past has offered to put her up if she comes to visit they don't mind her. I just feel like when I go up to visit my family I don't really want to have to worry about entertaining someone else. i want to let my hair down to to speak and enjoy my family visit. besides the fact that she gets on my nerves (and her sons too for that matter) I only see my whole extended family about once a year. I really don't want to spend a 9 hour drive two ways in a car with her, kids and husband. she is visiting us for a week at thanksgiving and i feel like she may bring it up again. How do I say no, without hurting her feelings, getting my spouse mad at me but not leaving the question open ended and giving her hope? Am I being a total jerk about this? I can't help the way I feel.
Just to add she lives 4 hours the other way and we only see her once a year too. i figure visiting her and inviting her up is my husbands department. He has told her to come up for long weekends, I personally would buy her train ticket but it has never seemed to work out. so I cant say we see her more than my family.
Also she would either have to stay at one of my other relatives and she would shuttle back and forth to get her or one of us would have to be relegated to sleeping on a couch. although the sibling i stay with has alot of room there arent extra beds. the kids sleep in sleeping bags My su and i sleep in the guest room. My husband did put her off and i "overheard" the conversation. wasnt really in on it. sorry i cant figure out how to reply to your comments.
Don't mention when you are planning the trip and then drop the bomb a day before you go. Oh, I didn't tell you? Do that twice and she will get the hint.
I am sorry that's not going to work for us. How about you come visit us the weekend before we go. We would love to have you.
Just politely tell her, it's nice you want to come, but I really just want to spend time with just them so I can give them my undivided attention since we don't see them very often. You and/or your husband MUST say something, leaving it open ended will only make it more awkward and more approving of her coming.
Also, don't feel bad how you feel. I love my mil and my mom and my sis and my husband.. but people do tend to get on each other's nerves, that is normal!
How strange that she would invite herself along on YOUR family visit!
Sounds like you need to set some boundaries.
Talk to your husband first, so he understands and gets where you're coming from (show him these responses if you think it will help.)
HE should be the one to say, mom, it's great that you'd like to come along but it's just not going to work, it's a long ride in a crowded car*, and we really want to focus our time and attention on my wife's family, since we don't get to see them as often as you, I know you understand, etc.
Hopefully she accepts it gracefully.
I love my MIL but she would NEVER be so presumptuous.
You are NOT a jerk, your MIL just needs some boundaries, that's all.
*Have you seen the movie "Vacation?" LOL you don't want to end up on a trip like that!
I think you need to talk to your husband about this. Be honest (but not hateful). Ask the advice of the person you love and trust the most. He knows his mother better than you do, and should be able to set the boundaries between your marriage and his relationship with his mother. You shouldn't have to do that.
No your not a total jerk. However, if your family doesn't mind her and she wants to be with all of you as opposed to her other children, I would let her come. Perhaps you can give some of your family members a "heads up" and they can keep her entertained....and also give you some down time.
I sooo get not wanting to be around people who get on your nerves. As long as it's not because of any meanness, though, I might let her come along. She might feel too new and uncomfortable to do the things that bug you. Or she might feel super comfortable and show you a different side. You say that you want to let your hair down. Do it. Her joining you on this particular trip opens each of you up to a different set of circumstances, since you'll be on different turf. Just give her a heads up--"Now, you'll see how I let loose!"--and then go for it. She might surprise you. She's a grown woman and would be THEIR guest, not YOURS. Any obligation that you would feel to entertain her would be in YOUR head.
Why would she invite herself? That's a little odd.
Anyway, I would speak with your husband and simply say that you are looking forward to having some time alone with your family. You only see them once a year and would prefer that his mother not come along, in light of the fact that she sees you quite often.
If she brings it up to him again, he'll have to find a way to say no.
company is like fish after three days it stinks!!! I would have hubby let her know that the visit for for y'all. I would also tell her if you are comfortable that you are very excited about seeing your Mom and having mom and daughter quality time. If she gets upset just say "look I like you but I want to visit my family without having to entertain anyone. This is my time with my family and I don't really want to share it with anyone else. " Yeah, that should do it. Good luck!
If she lives 4 hours away, why would you have to tell her when you are visiting your family? Sorry, if this was answered and I just missed it. This too would make me kinda crazy. Good luck :)
I think that you need to have your husband simply say to her, "I'm sorry Mom, but I don't think that's going to work."
He needs to keep it short and sweet and keep your feelings out of it. Logistically it just wouldn't work. She can't force you to take her with you, and you and your husband will just have to be all right with her being disappointed.
Hi, M.M.:
Have you and your husband talked about your feelings that are generated by her visits?
If you could identify exactly what happens when your feelings start getting triggered, you could express them to your MIL.
It sounds like you need to be empowered to be yourself no matter who you are around.
Had you thought about getting involved with a co-dependency group meeting.
www.coda.org
Good luck.
D.
Is the next trip to see your family going to be for Xmas? I am wondering if she is feeling excluded and/or lonely @ Xmas and that's why she wants to tag along.
i would love it but i think it may be good if you dont because the kids really do prefer you from seeing you more and it may hurt my fa,ilies feelings and since they dont get to see them that often i want all of their attention on them.
your husband should tell her not you...whats does he say about this?
why didnt you talk to him about this and get his opinion first before worrying?
This sounds familiar. One summer, we went away to visit my family for three weeks. My MIL stayed here. She lives 5 minutes from us. She was hurt that we didn't call her when we were up there. Then when we got back, she told my kids that she missed us too much and that next time she was coming with us. I almost died. I enjoyed having that alone time with my family and didn't want her to be involved. Same situation here- she's very nice and sweet but can get on my nerves.
In our case, we have not been on another trip, so she hasn't had the opportunity to join. This is a difficult situation. You don't want to insult her, but want the time with your family without hosting her. You could try hinting that you can't wait for the "alone" time with your family. Or tell her there's no room in the car.
We almost went to a wedding with my in-laws in another state. They decided we could all take one car there. It's a 15 hr drive. It would have been torture. I told them that I didn't think it would work because the kids take frequent potty breaks. They dropped the idea of us traveling together because they don't like to stop much.
My mom makes suggestions that she should be invited or would like to be involved in most family activities we plan, as if we should automatically know to include her in the plans. Truth is she's lonely and hasn't taken the time to find any outside interests or activities to occupy her time, but she does enjoy our company. She's fine in doses. Nevertheless, she is disappointed if we don't invite her. Sometimes we just want to do the family thing - just the three of us. I would have your hubby tell her. Either way, this wont be well received. I could see if your family invited her to come along, but they have not. She just assumes, " I'm family, so it's ok if I tag along."
