Mother in Law... - Dallas,TX

Dear C.,

After all that you have been through you should NOT have to be dealing with a mother-in-law who has no boundaries. Mine told me that my babies were her ONLY reason for being happy. She's clinically depressed, been on medication for the last 15 years, and refuses counseling. We went through 2 years of infertility treatments to have our first, and she would snatch her out of my arms, make hurtful comments about parents not loving her etc. I could spend a week talking about it but....this about your problem!

My husband and I ended up in counseling to try and come up with ways to deal with all of them (his whole family has managed to ruin every major event so far). It was the best thing we ever did. We were told that boundaries had to be set up, and ENFORCED. That while we couldn't change them, we could change our behavior, and that my feelings were valid no matter how anyone else may view them.

It's made life so much easier. I'm still completely stressed around them, but having the support of my husband makes a HUGE difference.

Congratulations on the birth of your miracle baby, good luck with you in-laws, and let me know if you ever want to vent!
H.

Your two month old certainly will not understand the language spoke around him- just the tone its spoken in...however, YOU understand it, and i can only imagine that i'm right in saying, those words are really meant for YOU to hear. Does mil say it all intentionally? perhaps not but her rudeness is just ingrained if so. And as you said, baby boy will not understand it now but will certainly understand as time passes and i doubt the behavior will stop even if it changes to some other topic than breastfeeding or your lack there in of being able to do so. Your husband should support you in this. though it sounds like he and his siblings were raised with it too so he may not understand how you feel--how any normal person would feel! its not minimal- it's blatantly rude.

i wish i knew what to tell you but i'm not good at it either. i'm not sure what you'd say or do to stop this behavior. the best i could even say is to make sure as the MOM you do what you think is right and teach your little miracle all his life how to treat people. YOU will have the greatest influence on him. Dn't put the other family down to him but subtly let him know all the time how we do and don't behave!!! good luck!!!

First of all C., CONGRATS on your beautiful miracle baby boy!!! My in-laws used to be the same way, and my husband (whom I love and adore) would not stand up to his family for me. I don't know if he was affraid to disrespect his family by saying something, although I was raised a different way. I respect those who earn my respect, I respect my elders until they give me a reason not to, and I speak up if I have something to say.

Only one time did I ever have to say something to his grandmother, she was mostly the problem from the begining. Aparently I wasn't good enough for her grand son, and therefore deserved to be talked down to constantly, and she would tell me literal untruths about him, in order to advance a divorce. It was a nightmare, and when I would tell my husband what she would say, his response is, she's an old woman, ignore her. UMMMM OK, not happening when we're around her enough for her to make my life miserable! One day I was supposed to meeting him after work, and he worked far enough away where it was easier to wait a few minutes at his grandma's house until he left work, and his grandmother started in on me. At that point, we'd been married about 1 year, and I had HAD IT!!! I've never talked to my elders like this, but I'd had enough, and I stood up for myself, I told her that I don't want to hear ONE MORE UGLY THING OUT OF HER MOUTH! At this point I was 7 months pregnant, and told her, if this is the way she is going to talk to me, I am certain that she will talk to me like that in front of our children, and therefor I can CERTAINLY MAKE IT POSSIBLE that she NEVER see them! I said some things that had been building up in my for the last year, and let her know exactly what I thought, and in the end, she was crying, begging me not to tell my husband what she's said. I'm not proud of making his grandmother cry, although, after that she never spoke a cross word to me, and we've been married for 10 yrs next month. She has always been respectful to me, as well as our children, and always gives me hugs, and love when I'm around.

It sounds like you have a similar Mother in Law, and in my opinion, if your husband doesn't take up for you, take up for yourself. You do NOT have to be treated that way, and keep in mind, you have the upper hand, you have a child she wants to be part of her life, let her know how you feel.

Everyone kept telling me, "don't rock the boat, or just deal with it, or tell your husband to say something" but when your husband WON'T say something then it's up to you to defend yourself against his family. If she gets angry at the moment, she'll get over it eventually, but she will gain a whole new respect for you in the process.

A.

Ugh, MIL's are the worst. Mine started out good, but then once I had my son, she turned. It's been bad for the past 4 1/2 years, and it finally came to a head late last year. She just showed up at our house one day & expected to be with us all day during a busy day. We had a really bad screaming match with me apologizing for letting it get this bad & her not recognizing her part in it at all. Since then, she has only come to visit us once...for my son's birthday. My marriage has never been better. lol

My husband pretty much blamed me for it all. He was just used to her rudeness & immaturity. We are relocating, and he's staying with her 3 days a week while working in our new town. He has since realized what I was saying all along, and she is getting on his nerves really bad.

You should set the boundaries now before it gets too bad. If you continue to let her walk all over you, then it'll keep happening. Good luck! Life's too short to deal with people like that. It's not her family...it's YOURS!!

set the in-laws down and say the rules are this/that. if you would really think about it, my rules make sense and are respected in society versus your language/mannerism. if they get mad, let 'em. you can also set the example of your actions/vocabulary. good luck.

PS *** I just found one of the books I recommended and it is "Boundaries" by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend. I put this at the beginning of my advice so you would see it first. I don't know if it will help.

C.,

Congratulations on your miracle baby!

Reading this made me cringe! I hope things get better for you.I didn't ever go through this with my mother-in-law, but I feel for you!

Do you read books? If you do, then go to the library or bookstore and see if you can find a book on setting boundaries. It sounds like you have a boundary issue.
When I first moved to the DFW area I used to listen to a radio program that several people hosted - maybe it was called New Life something. It was on some Christian radio station, but it seems like the station was sold or changed or something.
Anyway, they used to give advice on setting boundaries and dealing with difficult situations. I think one of the hosts name was Dr. Steve Arterburger (?) and he wrote several books on setting boundaries. WRONG! LIKE I SAID - THERE WERE SEVERAL HOSTS. THIS GUY DID NOT WRITE THE BOUNDARIES BOOK. SEE THE PS AT THE BEGINNING OF THIS RESPONSE.

I don't know if this will help, but I'm hoping that it will at least give you someplace to start looking for a way to solve your problem. Maybe you can find a way to calmly but firmly tell your MIL what your game plan you want to use with your baby and let her (and your husband?) know what the consequences will be if she chooses to ignore your wishes and cross the "boundaries."

Good luck!

A.

I sent this then thought of a book that I'm reading right now that has helped me in strengthening the relationship with my husband. I'm reading Cracking the Communication Code by Dr. Emerson Eggerichs, recommended by my sister. It's a Christian author, so if you look in the bookstore, you need to look in the Christian/religious section. I'm learning a lot and one thing is that most people are good-willed, they have good intentions. They just have very different ways of expressing them, and not all those ways are good!
If your MIL spoke to her own babies asking them if they want chichi, then she may see it as intimate and expressing love, not as an insult to you. She is loving the baby not dissing you. What your job, as the responsible adult (mother of baby/wife of son) is to teach her how to show love to you. Does that make sense? So, help her understand that the best way to love the baby is to show love to you and make you feel at home. If that is impossible, then maybe you can adjust your expectations and do some heavy duty repair work at home with your son after a visit to the in-laws house.
Most of us do this with our kids all the time. We get back from the park/school/their friend's house and say, "It's not ok for you to act like that child. You can't just take cuts and get in front of someone else." "It's not ok for you to hit others" "You can't just call people names." "Just because that child said that doesn't mean that YOU get to. Our family doesn't talk like that."
So, you learn to do the same thing after a visit to the in-law's house! "Just because Gramma says that doesn't mean that YOU get to! Our family doesn't talk like that." You don't even have to say that Gramma is wrong, just that it isn't appropriate for OUR family.

:)

C.,
CONGRATULATIONS on your miracle baby!! I will only repeat what the others have said... It is all about boundaries. You are going to have to be firm...very firm and thats it. I love the reponse from one of the Moms about how she and her husband attended counseling together. It is a GREAT idea. It will reinforce your marriage and your beliefs. Aleta mentioned the Christian radio program (100.7). It is called New Life and in the DFW area comes on at 1pm. And they are all about boundaries. You're in charge... get comfortable with the role :-)

No, you're not being unreasonable and you need to break the cycle of disrespect. My suggestion is to try and have a discussion before it comes to a head. For me, it was my FIL that was overstepping boundaries. The biggest thing was constantly asking when I was going to get pregnant and if I was "fat" yet. That was really hard to hear, especially when we were having problems conceiving. My husband didn't want to say anything, but I finally blew up one day after years of holding it in. He's very respectful now, so I only wish I had said something sooner. Good luck and congrats on your little miracle!

You are in a very difficult spot. You really don't want to offend your husband's mom while at the same time she is being very offensive to you. I think you need to explain to your husband again and get him on board so he can talk to his Mom. It will be better coming from him. You are so blessed to have your little angel. Good luck and blessings to all of you.

K.

C., I was so happy to hear your "A liittle about me" section. You are and your son are proof that miracles do happen-I got choked up and almost started crying. So sorry to hear how your mother in law is acting-she should be treating you like a queen and should be thankful you are bringing her grandson to see her. When my son was two months old, if anyone wanted to see him they would have to come to us. I didn't take him visiting until he was four months old. It's also a shame when someone tries to push their ideas onto you when they don't know what they are talking about and are flat out wrong. Especially if she was getting upset if you crossed your legs or didn't eat when she wanted you too. My mother in law treats me with respect and respects the requests we have for our child-that's why she sees him and is trusted to keep him. My mother on the other hand, is worse than your mother-in law. She's so bad I don't want her around my child at all. I thought if I watched her closely I could keep her from doing anything ridiculous-but I had my back turned for a second and she dunked his pacifier in her glass of wine and stuck it in his mouth-he was four months old! Sorry I don't have any good advice for you-I took the easy way out with my mother. She's banned-my husband understands that she is dangerous and unstable so I get no opposition.