S.R.
A., I can't believe how similar your story is to mine, except it is my mom. For 22 years my husband and I dealt with the same senerio. My mother is very controlling, but in a passive-aggressive way. It was wonderful, because she helped us financially in many ways, eventhough we didn't ask for help. But, at the same time, it brought feelings of resentment and I think my husband felt strange about accepting the help. The more help she gave us, the more control it gave her, especially to verbally put down my husband or to ask personal financial questions or to give us "advice" about how we should or shouldn't be spending our money. She was "gifting" out of my inheritance, but made us feel guilty about it, eventhough it was her idea. One christmas I called to say thank you for the check in our card and she said,"Well, everyone expects it". On my birthday I called to say thank you again for another large check that was in my birthday card and she said, "Well, I guess I don't have a choice". Here she wanted to help us so we wouldn't have a mortgage and so we could have a college fund for our kids, but then made it sound like it was a burden on her. After reading an excellent book called BOUNDARIES by Dr. Jonn Towsend and Dr. Henry Cloud, my husband and I spent many hours praying for direction.
The Lord lead us to do something in faith which seamed very drastic to everyone else. We sold our beautiful, custom home that my mom helped us build in California and moved to Tennessee. It was incredibly hard to do, but now we have such peace and a feeling of freedom. Now we're relying on God now to lead us and sustain us. Our relationship with my Mom, especially my husband's relationship with my mom, is so much better.I'm not suggesting that you move out of state, but I would recommend reading the book BOUNDARIES and talk to a counselor (we talked to our pastor). It's scary moving away from family, because of the "what if...", but it's making us trust in God more. Isaiah 26:3 "You will keep him in pefect peace whose mind in steadfast on you because he trusts in you". God bless you--we can totally relate to you. S.