Mother-in-laws - Orangeburg,NY

The only thing I have to tell you is that our children learn how to treat people by watching us. Several years ago it became apparent that my father in law could not live on his own anymore. My husband has a brother and sister within 10 minutes of us and because of his father's past behavior and messiness none of his children wanted to take him. I told my husband that we had to take him in; we have a large home, our child was off in college and my husband is retired so he is home a lot. He lived with us for about 2 years before he passed away and even though I did not enjoy having him in my home I would make the same decision. My husband and I have a farm and we have cottages and such on it. When my father retired I wanted my parents to live near me - we hadn't lived in the same state for 20 years. My husband agreed that they could live here on our farm. My hope is that one day, if I need my daughter's help she will be there for us. I know that one of my aunts treated my grandmother horribly and now her children treat her the same way - and she wonders where they learned this behavior.

I know that your situation is different - you have children at home - and between taking care of your family, house and possibly working you sometimes just can't handle the additional pressure of having her around. Maybe you could ask her to sit outside (when it is nice out) and watch the children play, ask her to bathe them, maybe if you ask her to do things around your home she will either turn out to be a huge help or maybe she will decide she doesn't need to come over quite so often. I would just be careful how I speak about her and treat her in front of your children. Good luck!

I am having a hard time with the responses because I loved my mother in law and before she passed away she came to my home for dinner 3 to 4 times a week. She was very helpful, and generous to me. I was like a daughter to her. When my daughter was 1 she died of cancer and I was her nurse. She died in my home under the love and care of her son and I. Ladies this is your husband's mom!! Try to tolerate. Having family in your life is a blessing. Just set boundaries. Unless she is coming into your home and interfering and undermining you I can sympathize with her being lonely. Let her love her grandchildren and be a huge part of their lives. Take advantage of her being there go run errands, take a hot bubble bath. Just tell her you have things to do and give her things to do. What our children see in how we treat people is how they will learn to treat people. Remember someday we will be mother-in-laws and may also be alone and lonely. Mother-in-laws do not have to be the enemy they can become your friend. I surely miss mine!!!

You've gotten a lot of advice so far. Just throwing in my 2 cents. I've been happily married for 17 years and have never used sex as a weapon. Having said that, make it a rule that you will not have sex with your husband when your MIL is in your house. As soon as she goes home, give your husband lots of TLC. If he makes advances while she's in the house, just say - I can't relax when I know your Mother is here, but I'm happy to have time together when she goes home - sorry. He'll get the picture quickly and send her packing.

It's really sad that she's lonely and I'd make an extra effort to include her in SOME family time, but you do need some privacy. Maybe suggest some organizations she can get involved with near her home? Senior citizens group, sewing circle, volunteer work? Do some research and give her some info. Does she watch the children responsibly? If so, take some time for yourself when she's there so it's not such a chore. Treat yourself to a manicure or a walk.

good luck!

Grandparents can be a real blessing. You don't say why you object to her being around. Do you have personality clashes? Does she interfere too much? Is your house too small or is it just an ideal of yours to be alone?

Sometimes it's our own attitude at fault. The more you give, the happier you'll be. Why not let her enjoy the kids? It's healthy for children to have family relationships outside of the parents and unless the children don't like her why block her out?

Grandparents are honored in almost all societies except in the western world where they are often kept isolated. Put yourself in her shoes and imagine what you may feel like 20 years from now when your children are grown. Will you be content to not have part in their lives anymore? That's what they will view as normal if you push your MIL out of your life now.

Can you and your husband's other siblings work out a schedule for her where she can spend a day or two with each of them on a rotating basis?

There are many types of families and you've gotten some interesting advice so far; very subjective advice. This might be something you need to discuss with a family counselor to get a neutral opinion.

You haven't indicated why you don't want her there, other than the fact that perhaps, you just don't want anyone outside of your immediate family there. So I can only say this. She IS PART of your "one family", and if you have any issues with her staying with you, you should talk to her about it. Not just say you can't stay, but actually have a conversation with her, listen to her feelings/thoughts, and then decide on something that will work out for all of you. Treat her with respect, just like you would expect her husband to treat your mother, and just like you should expect your children to treat their grandmother.

Maybe you can help your Mother in law find a support group with people her age in her area where she can find some friends to spend more time with. Or maybe you can make a list of the many ways she can volunteer her time to help others in need in her area.

Dear C.,
well , when mother in law are alone they are a danger for any marriage.Mine wanted to come to live with us too, she insisted sooo manyyy times, and i told my husband NOOOOOO.
the Bible says that the son will leave the mother and the father and join the wife and be one flesh.Now everything that he wants to do concerning his parents must be done with your aproval.It is ok to give some support but you need the privacy with your husband.Your mother in law must have her own bussines to do, suggest your husband to tell her to try to go out with friends, or another staff that she likes.you must be wise and talk about his mother with love, and be sweet but stand up in your position, if you get angry with your husband they stand up in his position too and protect his mother.i tell you by experience.i tried everything and be sweet and romantic with him looks like that works better.Tell him that you want the break up of the school of the children to be closer to him and share time together.i can recomend you a book if you want,about the marriage and talk about the in laws too.
i am still working on that about my mother in law she does not live with us but 2 days that she comes she is mean with me.so i m working in another areas hahaha.mother in laws, what a topic!! God bless.

You guys are a family now and I say this from someone who can kind of relate to your husband - but even I think he is letting her cross the line by staying however long she wants. My mom is single and has been most of my life and I am an only child. It means that I am protective of her and have been told by many professors and bosses that I am more like the parent than she is. Sadly it makes me an enabler too. :(

My husband on the other hand is very good about drawing boundaries with the families on both sides and not feeling an ounce of guilt about it. He knows that when we decide something like that it is for the good of our family. That's why when we visit his parents for instance we literally have a maximum 5 day including travel time stay. That is only because they live about 900 miles from us so the visits are not often. My mom used to come visit every couple of months and would stay for 10 to 14 days. She is helpful when she visits and the boys love it as do I most of the time and while my husband likes my mom and is friendly, he does go down into his office when he needs to get a break. He also asked we limit the visits to a week which we now do because I think that's fair. So he has never said she can't come and when he needs a break, he goes and does something else.

I think even letting your MIL come every other weekend is great and would think your husband and MIL would be happy with that. (Granted I think it's awesome she is so involved where the grandkids are concerned but there has to be limits.) By Sunday she should go home so your family can get ready for their week. I don't see how that is asking too much especially when she is there twice a month. I would absolutely talk to your husband about this trip and agree on a date she is leaving by and make sure she knows that while you are glad she is able to visit, that you have a busy week ahead of you and really need to be able to get back into your routine.

I know it sounds like I am against your MIL coming but I am not. As I said, my mom is VERY involved whereas my dad and inlaws are very UNinvolved. My boys LOVE my mom because she is always there. When they lose a tooth or score a soccer goal, they want to call HER and tell her about it. Not my dad or inlaws. I'm glad they are building that type of relationship with her but I know that I have to have boundaries as well so that everybody STAYS happy. I guess that is the point I was trying to get at. I wouldn't not let your MIL come every other weekend but just limit how many days she can stay at a time. I do try to think about the other side of the coin and how I would feel if it were my children. Now if she is interfering, that is a whole different story but you didn't say what you meant by her being so involved.

Like Diane though, I am a bit surprised at how strongly some people feel about their MILs not visiting. I mean even the ones who live close are only allowed a visit once a month? Seriously?! Having a great relationship between grandkids and grandparents is something those kids will look back on as they grow older and they will learn the same cue the parents are teaching them. So don't be surprised when those children are closing their parents out of their lives because that is what they learned.

My mom lives 400 miles from us. I WISH she lived close enough to visit once a week, even if it was just for dinner. When I lived locally to her, we got together every Tuesday. It was wonderful! Even my husband who is king of boundaries has talked about us getting a two family home because of my mother's health so that she can live near us and talks about Sunday family dinners like generations ago used to do. I'm just surprised...have we all scheduled ourselves SO much that we don't have time for our parents anymore? Boundaries are one thing but wow!

Please do keep us posted! I hope you guys figure it. Good luck!

Hi C.,
I have read so many of these responses. This is why I love mamasource. I get to hear so many differing opinions and views from so many different people with different experiences. I have learned so much and from posts that aren't even mine.
I have an experience based on adversity. My mother has rejected me. She has not spoken, nor cares to see me or my almost 3 children(I am 24 wks. preg with my third). It truly is heart-wrenching. To my knowledge, I have done nothing wrong to receive this type of treatment. To top it off, my MIL lives in Florida, has a problem with alcoholism, and in the 14 yrs. I've been married has never come here to NJ to see her son or her almost 3 grandchildren.
I cannot begin to express to you how much I wish to have my mother or MIL in my life. Every birthday or holiday passes and not even a card, greeting, care, or concern. It is like they are dead or we are to them.
I am not saying this to make you feel bad, but to help you to see how others might perceive your situation. I do not think you are selfish or even your MIL is, just in need of perspective. Your husband loves his mother because she cares for him and you and your children. My husband is angry at his mom because she abandoned him and does not make right. I think boundaries are definitely necessary, however, not so much it seems you might be putting up a wall or pushing her away. It will make her feel rejected and trouble in your family will start. I do not think you want to hurt your husband or your MIL, but talk to her and explain that your children are off from school and as much as you love her spending time with them, you need your time with them too. Hopefully, by just talking to her she will get the message. I think it is in every good mother's best interest to look out for her children and her children's children for the rest of her life and that even though her son is married to you, he is still her child. I plan on being the mother to my chldren that I nor my husband ever had and I hope whoever they marry will appreciate this. Thank you for your post. I wish you and your family the Good Lord's blessings.

Hi C.,

If I may, let me point out some things I noticed in your post: 1. Your mother-in-law seems rather enmeshed with both her sons and they with her. 2. Your husband clearly feels responsible for your mother's feelings and either is reluctant or does not know how to set appropriate boundaries with his mother. 3. It sounds as though you feel responsible for your husband's feelings.

I have learned that I am NOT responsible for someone else's feelings, thoughts or choices and I cannot control that either. I can only control my behaviors and feelings. I have also learned that when someone behaves in a way that bothers me it is up to me to set an appropriate boundary.

For example, can you tell your husband that you cannot live with his mother being there as much as she is and that you need for there to be a set timeframe that she is there? This way it is understood that she is there for a weekend only. You may initially need to follow through on that when she tries to stay longer by reminding her that the visit was for the weekend and you have other things to do during the week. You may be saying, well what if my husband brings up how lonely she is or otherwise balks? I have found that I often have to nicely stand my ground and simply say "I need this for my well-being and for my ability to function well as a wife and mother."

So what happens if your husband says "No" to that? Can you plan to take your child/children out a lot and not be there for a lot of the time she is there if you need space from your mother-in-law? Can you make plans for some of your weekends that clearly do not include her and follow through with those plans if your husband insists on having her over anyway? You see, the other thing I have learned is that once I set a boundary I have to be ready to defend it, not in an angry confrontational way, but just matter of factly. So when I set a boundary, I also start to think about what I will do when someone breaches or tries to breach it (because you can count on that happening initially).

One more thought: in all likelihood your husband or mother-in-law or both will say or insinuate that you are mean, selfish, or something similar. Please remember, that because they say it, doesn't make it so. That is just another person's opinion. When I have gotten that in the past, I learned not to argue it, I simply say "I am sorry you feel that way." Or similarly if she says "Well, if I'm not wanted I won't come back". My response to that one has been "Of course you are wanted,that is why you are here, and when you are ready, please call me so we can figure out what weekend would be best for your next visit" or something like that. Alternatively, have you ever driven in to see her for a day? When you do that, you can control the visit more, because after a certain time, you simply say you must head home by a certain time because your child/children have to be in bed by a certain time.

Please feel free to disregard anything that you feel is not helpful or appropriate. Good Luck!

J.

My mother uses my brother's family as a crutch since she has nothing going in her own life. She even went as far as to say "we're having another baby" when my SIL announced her pregnancy. I think that while family is important, it's not something that gives people carte blanche to settle in. One needs their own family unit and the associated privacy that goes with it.

You must find mutually agreeable boundaries or you're going to end up like my brother with a second wife in the house who takes everything over.

I think it's very important to have your own relationship with your MIL. You should go directly to her and explain how you feel for anything and she should be able to do the same. Your husband doesn't seem to be respecting your feelings with this so don't worry about hurting his....go directly to the source! Make it a hear to heart, not an argument. Good luck!

Hi C.,
I'm sorry that you are having this problem.
First, I think you need to speak with your husband, and then with the MIL. Your husband should not be giving you a guilt trip. Is he the one entertaining his mother, or is it you that she is with all day? It should not be your job to entertain his mother. You may need to explain to MIL that over the school break, your children expect to spend their time having playdates with friends. She may be bored, but that is not your job. She needs to find friends and activities that keep her occupied. Having her for a 1-2 night visit once or twice a month sounds like a good limit. The fact that she is lonely is not your responsibility - she is an adult and needs to make a life for herself that includes things other than the kids and grandkids.
I don't feel that you are being selfish for not wanting her for many days at a time. Your husband's feelings should not be hurt by this. You aren't responsible for his mother's happiness. You certainly need to see MIL and include her in the kids' lives - and you should try to build your own relationship with her - but this doesn't mean that you need her frequent and long visits disrupting your routine and your married/family life. I think parents of grown children need to keep themselves occupied and not depend on/expect their children and children's spouses to provide their companionship. Decide what a good visiting schedule is - how often, maximum number of days, and let husband and MIL know this. Do the inviting yourself, don't leave it up to your husband. When MIL comes, set a day before she gets there that she will go home, and then set up plans for those days after, so if she tries to extend her visit, you can let her know - sorry, we have plans with friends or tickets to something or whatever.
Good luck.

From what you write, it is not clear to me why you object to having her there. Is it just that you want your house to yourself or is she doing something that gets on your nerves? Have you tried talking it out with your mother-in-law yourself, laying some ground rules that make you feel less intruded upon, while still making her feel loved and welcomed?

I feel for you, My mother-in-law lives only 10 mins, away and feels she should be able to visit on a weekly basis, but that is not possable. I told her upfront that is not possable, I promis to make sure she see the kids once per month (That of course is not good enough and she wants them to spend the night which I am not comforatable with so I just told her)

I would have a heart to heart with your husband that it is not that you hate his mom(even if it is) you just need your space you are a very independant woman (he should have observed that by now) and you would be willing to get her a hotel room. The imposition on you and your hubby will make her limite the visits. How far does she live from you? if it is with in a 1 hour drive she should go home not spend the night. a long trip I can see. Also if it is hard to tolerate for you yes put her to work, make her cook clean babysit something where if you get enough benifit from the visit the put out would be worth it.

Good luck honey.

oh. does she interfere with your routine or is it that just her presence bothers you?
either way, talk to your husband calmly and say can we reduce these visits a bit as i want to be spending my time bonding with the kids. ultimately, it needs to be him who says something. or (haha), start giving her things to do (clean, cook, fold, wash etc), and pretty soon she'll get tired. yeah, i like the last one best. get something out of her visits :)
good luck

If your feelings are being hurt, then your husband needs to have his feelings hurt too it that what it takes. Too often, I think us mothers and wives put ourselves last to take care of everyone. That's what we do, that's our job. But when something is bothering us, we need to stop it. If you are not happy with the situation, you have every right to say so and to stop for once worrying about others. There's got to be a nice way to say, this is my ride and my house and I want privacy. Your mother in law needs to find a book club, knitting club, chess club or something to give her something to do. It's not your family's responsibility to entertain her. ENOUGH ALREADY!! Best of luck to you.