Mother-in-Law Coming to Help

I have the same issue. Whenever either of our mothers visit we can't find anything in the kitchen for a week. Good Luck! Accept that she will do some of these things and try to rechannel that into something you need done. Go through the bins of baby clothes and organize those for you for the upcoming year--it doesn't matter if it needs to be done as long as it won't drive you crazy. Ask her to cook some of your husband's favorite "mom" meals for the freezer. Spring cleaning--wash the kitchen cabinets, wash the windows if it is warm enough. Reorganize the sports equipment in the garage, or your husband's tools:). Anything to try to turn this into something productive that won't drive you crazy. Good Luck.

I don't have that problem with my mother in law, but I have had that problem with my mother in the past. For me, I had to just stop and ask myself why these things drove me nuts. And what I finally figured out is that what she was doing was not so annoying- I just felt like every time she rearranged something, I was interpreting it as "why did L. put that there, obviously it should go here- stupid girl, why can't she do things right?" But the reality is, she wasn't trying to make me feel or look stupid, she really was just trying to help and make suggestions that she thought might make my life easier. In your MIL's case, I just have to think it's the same thing- she really is just trying to help, she isn't trying to make any judgements. And even though you bought the house fair and square, she probably can't help but to just go about doing things the way she used to when she lived there. And maybe at some level, it's fun for her to rearrange and make things like she would have had it if she still lived there because it helps her remember the good old days of raising your husband. I guess what I'm saying, is try to focus on the positive things she is doing and remember that when she leaves, you can put it back any old way you want to. Good Luck!

I feel your pain;) I just had my second child and my mother-in-law offered to take a week off work to come help out. I have a hard time with her because I feel like she tries to take over. It was really hard on me because every time I would try to discipline my 2 1/2 year old she would jump in and discipline too. I felt like a terrible person because I felt critical of everything she did. I was grateful for the help, but it was a hard week for me at times. I did a lot of biting my tongue because I didn't want to cause problems.

I don't know what to tell you about how to handle it, but I'm looking forward to reading others responses so that I, myself, can have better experiences with my mother-in-law.

Good luck!

I am very fortunate that I don't have that problem w/ my MIL. She is NOT very helpful, but will do something for me if I ask her.
What we all need to remember is (and I heard this from a family {marriage} therapist and it makes total sense) it really isn't up to US to deal w/ any of the issues w/ the MIL. It is up to the HUSBAND! She is HIS mother. Trying to explain any kind of negative issue w/ them yourself only builds up resentment and causes strain in the relationship. I don't expect my husband to go to my mom w/ things that bother him. I tell her myself.

That said, make sure you and your husband are on the same page and have him address the issues w/ her (and NOT by saying, "It bothers S. that you rearrange the cupboards." rather, "WE have our cupboards arranged the way that works best for US." Some moms like to see just how far they can push the DIL and want to see if the son will take the mom's side or the wife's. Not saying that's what she is doing, but....
Good luck and congrats on the new baby.

My mother-in-law is a really sweet person and I love her, but I couldn't stand the idea of her coming to visit after I had my second child. It's nothing about her in particular. I just feel stressed having someone staying at the house like I should be doing hostess things, so I told my husband and he dealt with it. I was fortunate to be able to hire someone to help, so I did that, and when I was feeling up to it we brought our children to visit the relatives. My mother-in-law will be coming to visit this summer, but our younger will be almost a year old and I will be more able to handle the visit.

Mother-in-laws are always hard to deal with. We all have to remember that they were the first women in our mens lives. That said, I would suggest taking deep breaths and not let it bother you. Best way to handle it is to just say thank you and put everything back that they moved or rearranged. I realize that it isn't always easy doing this, but you have your health and your new baby to think of. After the visit is overwith you will see that it was better then doing it by yourself. I had four children within 5 1/2 years and would have loved to have the help. (my ex couldn't have been bothered.)

S.- You need to give your mother-in-law to do lists. Keep her busy doing what you want her to do. Also talk to her by leading with positive praise; and explain that when she rearranges everything, it causes more stress for you. It may seem disorganized to her, but tell her that this chaos is how you function. Always let her know you appreciate her helping you keep the house running. Children are creatures of habit, they like structure, not change. Let your mother-in-law know that the new baby is going to cause enough uproar without changing the way things are in the house. Turn her visit into focusing on what you want her to focus on. She may be taken aback by the list, but it is your home now. She is a guest, coming to help. Don't let her make things worse. Maybe tell her you have got a list of things to keep her busy, encourage her to really focus on the the other 2 boys to make this adjustment a positive experience for everyone. You need to quit stressing, you can do this without hurting her feelings. I have a strong willed mother-in-law as well, but just by speaking your words with kindness you will get far.
Good Luck on the new baby!

Tell her to please stop rearranging the stuff its how you want it or the kids want it. Thank her for assisting you though with the new baby its a big help. Be forceful but still kind and thank ful. My MIL is the opposite, she expects me to clean her house, do her dishes and wash her laundry while Im at her house. WHAT am I a maid?..lol you get the idea. Good luck and congrats to you and your family Many blessings

I hear you, I have the same feelings about my MIL - and she has never lived in this house :-) Good for you for trying to talk to her about it. Beyond that, if you still are asking for her help and needing her to come into your house to do "mom" tasks, I think you just need to take the "good" with the "bad". Personally, I just try to keep away from her while she is here (which shouldn't be too much of a problem for you while you're in the hospital) and ignore all of the changes. I literally ignore my kitchen and don't go into it because I can't stand to see all of the food, etc, she's brought, and the way she's rearranged the kitchen. I also don't go into the bedroom and bathroom she uses while she's here, again to not see the clutter and rearranging. I'm not saying this is the best strategy - it would be better to talk things out, compromise, try to work together on meals, child care, etc - but, frankly, she's not going to change and observing her makes me crazy (It's MY house and kids, after all.). So, bottom line, either ignore this behavior while focusing on getting what you want - which is a good relationship between grandma and the kids along with little help - or else don't invite her over to help anymore.

Good luck, I know it's not easy!
T.

S.,

I think your feelings are very common. My MIL is great, but she drives me crazy too. I know my feelings are sometimes irrational, but I can't seem to control them either. I think it is normal and natural the way you are feeling.

That said, maybe you could come up with some lists of chores that you are comfortable with her doing while she is visiting. Do you have any projects that you have wanted to get done that she could help with? Do you have photos that need to be added to albums? How about cooking she could do to put in the freezer for help after she leaves (lasagna, hot dishes, bread, etc.)? Maybe you could find out if there is a book that she would like to read and purchase it for her before she arrives? Or, if she has any hobbies (knitting or something) you could get her a little "Welcome" basket of hobby related things to keep her busy when you don't need her help.

Just a few ideas. Good luck with the new baby! Congratulations!

J.