Morning Tantrums - Olathe,KS

My soon to be three year old was giving me a hard time about getting dressed in the morning. The logical, list of what we need to do to do X wasn't even working.

I decided to do a little playful parenting: we race to see who can get dressed the fastest. She loves racing, and since my hubby and I have discovered this, we do it with everything! Let's see if you can beat your record on putting your books away. How fast can you run to your room to do X. It burns off her winter energy, and she does the things we need her to do without us yelling at her.

Can you figure out a game that might motivate him in the morning?

Is he 4.5? I have been reading the serious of books by Dr Ames from the 70s, and she believes that the big developmental stuff causes "oppositional" behavior and things. She found that kids are more agreeable around their bdays, and more oppositional during their half bdays. And of course they are the most oppositional with MOM. In fact, she argues that it is mostly reflective on their part, they aren't even aware they are doing it, they are just doing it because they are trying to be independent of mom.

One other thing I have found that works well. Say what you want him to do once. Then just stare. Instead of saying it again, say "I am not going to repeat myself." I was amazed the first time I did this: she did what I wanted her to do! This, I think, is what it means to "make them do it." Say it like you believe it, have the confidence behind saying it, and then wait for the follow through. I start some mornings with my daughter telling her that I want to have a fun day, that I don't want to yell, that I want us to co-operate with each other. So you need to listen to me, and I need to listen to you. I then never repeat myself, and whenever I say "I am not going to repeat myself," she moves and takes me seriously. If, on the rare occasion, she decides to challenge me, I just say "that is two." (on 3 she goes to her room until she is willing to cooperate).

In short, I have found mixing the "how to talk so your kids" will listen approach with some TO/logical consequences discipline and some playful parenting to be effective with my LO.

I wouldn't physically dress him. Make it very easy for him to access his favorite clothes himself. If he refuses to get dressed, I would take him in his PJs. If he takes his pull up off, non chalantly bring him to school without it. Mornings can be tough for some kids. There is grogginess, tiredness, transitioning, getting ready duties are not "fun," the pressure of having to get ready by a certain time, etc. It's all a little much for some personality types. I know, I have one like this. We had many battles. She is 9 now and things are better, but 4 was a challenge. I find what works best is getting her up in plenty of extra time, some routine, including some morning TV (I know some say this is a big no-no, but it actually helps distract and get my daughter in a better fully awake mood), having her favorites handy, clothes, food, etc, and just giving one "announcement" that it is 8:00, and time to get ready. The more I keep harping on her and rushing her along, the more stressed out she gets. So I don't anymore. Missing the bus or being late would just be the natural consequence of her behavior. I find if I approach her from the empathetic point of view vs the nazi mom, it really helps. I will say things like "gosh I really don't want to see you feeling so hurt and stressed out over this because I care about you and don't like to see you so distressed, do you think it would help to get dressed while watching Curious George?" Believe me, I've tried the authoritative, "you will do it right now or else" approach and lost my temper more than once, but that's just not successful. The ultimate goal is that the child get to school on time. There are bumps along the road as they learn how to do this. Good luck, you are not the only one who has struggled with epic tantrums, stay strong!

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I think it's very interesting that he only does this with you, not with teachers, grandma, or Daddy. So it's an issue of having control over his environment, and you are the one he wants to control. Apparently he's having success!! LOL I agree with you that it's not a medical issue since he is able to control it in every other situation.

I hear your concern that you feel he is afraid of his father, and you don't want that. Maybe you are trying to be too much of a pal, though. He doesn't do this for teachers or his grandmother, so there is something in their expectations or their style that is getting him to cooperate. Either he doesn't want the consequences from them, or he doesn't feel the need for defiance.

It sounds like you are trying too many things - swatting him (that never works, sorry), being "nice" to him (which means he's in charge and you are trying to appease him), or being firm with discipline (which he ignores because he doesn't like it and because he knows it won't last - you'll change your style shortly if he continues to be oppositional).

It sounds to me like you aren't really sure what your style is and what your goal is. You want him to cooperate but you don't like your husband's style of discipline. Your child is aware of these stylistic differences, and so he doesn't have the structure he needs. I think you and your husband have to come to an agreement on using the exact same methods so that your child has consistency. You're also allowing him to do what he wants because you don't want to wake your husband. That's not gonna work. Your husband has to deal with getting up, or your child has to deal with the consequences of waking up Dad. A "time out spot" is his room with no toys. Take them away and put them in the basement or in a friend's house if you have to - your child needs to pay the price for his behavior, and you aren't making him do it. You don't use a timer because he doesn't like it. At some point, your child needs to find something he doesn't like - something more distasteful than not getting dressed or whatever the issue is.

He gets up, he gets dressed, THEN he eats breakfast, and if there's time, he gets to play! If not, oh well, that was his decision. And yes, he goes to school in his pj's and his pull-up if that's what it takes. Believe me, THAT will only happen once.

Good luck.

Im a lot like you, I try to give my 3 yr old son options, and most will work, and then there are those days.... you know adansmama, where he knows that you ( the mommy) will bend hell and earth to appease his fits.... I do not have a miracle cure but i do the following
1) I first start with "would you prefer if I go ask Daddy to help you get dressed for school" ( this one works 40 % of the time, cause my BF is also the disciplinarian, no if and or buts when it come to him, im the softy),
2) secondly I try the "Im gonna count to 3" ( but last 3 nights of this has resulted in him counting for me, so this one doesnt work long),
3) lastly, I threaten to remove his privilage of having an after supper desert, This is the one that works most of the time....
ok last one if hes on the floor refusing to leave and Im ready to go like 10 mins ago, I leave, I open and shut the car door closed and walk back to the front door, he is always coming down the stairs crying wait mommy, im comming..... as for the hubby still sleeping, My son used that agaisnt me every monday morning becasue Daddy wakes up after we leave... so for 2 or 3 mondays, i would apologize to my spouse and say "sorry it has to be done, if we wake you, you'll just et an earlier start to the day.... :)
GOOD LUCK!