More Children?

I decided to have more children and could not. So I will not answer any of the questions but tell you that if you have more you are indeed lucky. It is not really about how, where, or when. I have determined after this, and many years of crying that if one can have a child at all they should. Military or not a family is a family. The rest will fall in place.

Be grateful for the beautiful chance you had to birth two children. There are so many women who would be envious of you. Cherish the memories of your pregnancies, and be in awe of what the human body can do.

I longed to have a second baby, but we decided not to. I am at peace with our decision, but there are days that I am still sad that we will not have another, not even through adoption.

Your husband supports adoption. If you really want to grow your family, please consider that option. If you are really wanting more children, then it is a gift your family can give to children who need you. Please consider what it is about "birthing" more children that appeals to you.

The reasons we decided not to have more children are quite varied in their origins.

1. I am 44, which means the physical risks for me go up almost by the moment. (I was 41 when our son was born.)

2. Adoption was an option we explored. We ended up deciding against it because my husband was, frankly, scared. His reasons are his own, and I won't disclose them here as that would be a breach in his confidence in me.

3. We took a good long look at our financial situation and felt that another child would put us in a position where neither child would have the benefits that we want to provide.

4. Given that yesterday was Earth Day, this one is quite timely. We took a good long look at the state of the world's environmental woes, and it seems selfish to us to think of having another baby. I believe that the Malthusian model of the earth's inability to sustain it's current population, let alone additional people, is being proven right before our eyes.

I urge you to look into your heart and consider adopting more children to grow your family. There are children out there who need you.

I'm 62, have one daughter, one grandson, and am delighted with that. I've had deep concerns about the earth's carrying capacity for humans since high school, and my concerns have multiplied exponentially since then. Our species has put enormous strains on the environment, and drives ever greater numbers of other species into extinction with our legitimate needs and simple greed. We pollute and consume at an unprecedented rate.

I worry that human overcrowding creates serious problems for our own species, as well. Many social problems that have become commonplace now were scarce several generations back. And as people become more stressed, competition for available space, resources and jobs increases, distrust of others increases, selfish behavior increases, alienation increases among youth, violence increases. People are too busy, and too disconnected from the very earth that sustains them. The gap between rich and poor increases, and this is morally untenable for anyone, including the rich.

This sounds like a lot of doom and gloom, and truthfully, I am a cheerful and hopeful person. But what I hope for the most is that people will take a thoughtful look at the cost to the rest of the planet, including our own fellow humans, and realize that there are higher considerations than the personal gratification of bringing more babies into the world. We do want a good future for our young ones, don't we?

I know people have "accidents" or multiples or what have you and wind up with 3 or 4 or 5 kids, but personally I think it's irresponsible in this day and age to have a lot of children. The expense and the toll over-population is taking on the entire earth is pretty scary. I understand the desire to have a large family, but this isn't 50 years ago or even 20 years ago. I had two very easy pregnancies and births. The comment after both of my births from two different doctors was "You were born to breed!" I guess if I were living 100 years ago, I would be really lucky! BUT I'm not -people are living longer than ever (thankfully) -but it's a huge factor in over-population -and that DOES and WILL affect all of our children. The expense and expectation for our kids' education is much larger than it has been even for us -it is going to take more in the future to be considered "well-educated" and therefore eligible for good jobs, and the list goes on....

While I might like to have a 3rd or 4th in theory -the factors above have made me happy to stop at two (and I HATE being pregnant). My husband and I also enjoy exposing our children to a variety of experiences and traveling with them, and the more kids you have -the more difficult that becomes.

I feel very strong about this. I think both parents have to be a big yes to have another baby. I think it is unfair to pressure him to have another biological child when he has said he doesn't want another. Don't fool yourself into thinking he will come around after the baby is born. We have two children and are happy with the amount of attention we are able to pay to both.

After reading all the responses to your question, I wanted to answer a question that no one else fully addressed.
If you are looking @ birthing more children, and want a vaginal birth, then a midwife and a doula are good choices. As a doula for many yrs. I can say that births with midwives and doulas generally have less trauma/ drama. Yes, there are published studies( like we really needed them!!) that the presence of a doula has been shown to improve the outcome of birth for both the mom and baby. Especially emotionally for the mom. Less innerventons, low C-section rate. Babies usually spend more time with mom, and less in in NICU. Nursing tends to get established quicker and easier.
A home birth or birth center gives you even better outcomes and less stress.
Take the time you need to have you both on the same pages, so that you can enjoy your choices.
Blessings,
L. M

Hello,
I have 3 children, and wish I had more. My sister in law has 7. She is very blessed, as her children are her best friends. They are always planning parties and doing everything together. As you get older, you will see that your children bring you some of your greatest joy in life. It's all about family....and love, of course, brings the most happiness. Good luck!

there is no right answer, especially when both parties involved are at opposite ends of the spectrum. of course those who tell you that you won't regret a baby once it arrives are correct, but it's not a logical or sensible approach. we'd all have 12 or more if that were the case, just as in the bad old days. my husband was pretty much done with 2, i was on the fence with having one more. as it happened, i got pregnant by mistake in my early 40s but lost it. the 2 i have are so wonderful i've never felt cheated by having 'only' them. and now that my babies are in college and i've got my lover back, we have a bit more time and $ to travel and play, and look forward to an adventurous retirement. honestly, there are pros and cons either way. i think the key is not so much to make the 'right' decision but to come to terms and be truly happy with however it plays out. much harder, but ultimately much more satisfying.

edit- if you were eliciting a biblical response, especially to the point of being disappointed that you weren't quoted a specific verse, you should have been clear about it. this isn't a religious forum, it's a parenting one.
good luck!
khairete
S.

I agree with Dita that everyone has their own reasons why or why not to have kids or have more. Our reasons were a little different.

Thank God that both of your pregnancies were good! I had complications with both of mine AND lost one in between. So we looked at the odds and said no way. *Apparently they told my husband and parents at the delivery of our first they were hoping to save us both! Long story, I was out of it. Obviously everything is fine and we did have another but scary. That "baby" is now almost 20 years old, over 6 feet tall and built like a linebacker, healthy as an ox!

My husband jokes that he's on the "50 year plan." Meaning once the kids are 18 we are kinda free and young enough to enjoy each other. My husband and I are best friends and enjoy just being together.

There were other reasons but for us those were the biggest.

I asked this same question about 3 years ago on this site. One mama responded and said, if you are on the fence you will never regret having your baby once they are here but you may very well regret NOT having another. She told me that she went through the "go for the 3rd" dilemma and decided not to, and to this day regrets not having a third and she is too old now. We were extremely set on having only 2 kids, my husband went to get snipped, and as we were signing the forms I realized I wasn't sure I was "done." We now have our baby (20 mos now) and although you are outnumbered and you no longer have a hand for each child, it is the most awesome family dynamic and she completes our family in a way I could have never imagined. Good luck with your decision!!

The best advice anyone ever gave me is to look at your kitchen table and think "does it seem like everyone who should be at the table 10 years from now is at the table?" For us, someone felt like they were missing until the fourth came. Now it truly seems like everyone who should be here is here.

I must say that it got a bit old when people would ask what pregnancy it was and would then respond with "YOUR FOURTH!!!! Are you crazy?" I am a SAHM and most days am grateful to be here although it is a much harder job than I thought it would be and is totally underpaid :) We made the choice to sacrifice $ to have me be at home with our kids. For a while I tended others for some extra $.

When it comes down to it, you need to decide what the best thing is for your family. I am so grateful I didn't listen to all the people who kept telling me that 3 should be enough. I wouldn't trade the sweet child that joined our family for anything. Good luck with your decision.

I don't want to respond to most of the other comments here, but E., make your choice with your husband--you can look ahead and ask him how he sees your future, etc. Adoption is often more expensive than having your own child, so it sounds like cost is not a concern for you. My husband and I have two small children and, with our youngest now 20 months old, are definitely interested in a third. We live in a small apartment and work opposite shifts, but we meet all of our needs and our children are healthy and happy. Children are a blessing in any quantity, but we both know we would look back and wish we had one more (while being thankful for the ones we have now). I love seeing large families and it can be a struggle to balance "practical" with the human desire to create new life and share love with our families. However, as I told my husband, if we decide on a third, we are considering 4 (with twins running all through my mother's side of the family), and we are perfectly comfortable with that possibility. Share your thoughts and feelings with him and just ask him to think about them--you don't have to decide immediately and there is no threat in talking about something. So, I am not helpful because we have decided to have more children.

Additionally, I never used a midwife or doula, but one of my nurses in delivery was a Nurse/Midwife and she was excellent (my doctor was also there). I had a friend and my MIL with me (mostly because it meant a lot to them and I didn't care--I would have been perfectly happy being alone). If you feel you need the professional support, contact a few in your area and talk to them about the services and benefits. Good luck!

First of all if your husband is birthing babies - he should be a millionaire, I've yet to meet a man that could. I'd be interested as to why he feels the way he does. That being said I really cannot assert my opinion, other than that having more children is a personal choice. I say as long as you can afford you're children have as many as you choose.

I've always had midwives, never had a doula but I'm giving it some serious thought this time around. I think midwives are great as most of them are very into natural childbirth. Midwives are also there throughout your labor, unlike a doctor who shows up just in time to catch, after the nurse chases him down while you are trying to defy mother nature with a child hanging out of your business. Midwives typically have a holistic approach to childbearing, it's not a medical condition, just a part of life. If both your children were complication free you may be interested in birthing in a midwifery center or at home.

Just talk to eachother and figure out what you both want and what you feel is best for your family. Talk to a respected friend or pastor.

if your other half is not on board about another baby, then dont do it.
dont even consider it, thinking, oh, he will change his mind..
um, no, he probably wont.
raising a baby is a team effort. thats team, as in more than one person.
is having another baby by "accident" worth undermining your relationship
with your husband/ partner ??
K.
my midwife was the babys father when we give birth to our baby in our
apartment bathroom..i didnt realize i was in labor.

Updated

no bible quotes are going to save your relationship with your husband/partner
if you decide to "accidently" get pregnant. thats a fact. put on your big girl pants and look at it from his perpsective.
K. h.

First...you should explain to your husband that YOU will be birthing the children, not him. LOL...all joking aside, this is a good topic to bring up!

Before my husband and I got engaged, we talked about what we would do if we could not conceive. I always said I would adopt - he said he would not, for fear that the parents would come back into the picture/take the child away, etc. He was also not interested in surrogacy, whereas I would have been.

Luckily, we had two healthy children so we do not need to worry about that. As far as having more children, I feel like I am sort of on the fence with this one. It has nothing to do with age (I'm 30) but would like to be done having kids by 35/36ish.

For me, it has to do with:

1. Money - I do not want to put three kids in daycare and financially we really cannot afford it. Problem solved if we have a third once our first is in Kindergarten (she's now 2.5).
2. Space - we live in a 2 bedroom house and would need a larger house. We knew that buying the house we would be adding on so that is something we'll do no matter what in the future. Problem solved.
3. Husband works 2nd shift so I always said I wouldn't want a third without him there because WE decided together to have a large family and if we did it while he was working, I would be raising them. I no longer feel that way because his work situation could always change.

What is the difference to your husband whether you get pregnant or adopt? Is it because he thinks you will be too old to have children once yours are older? Or is it because he's more interested in adopting because there are a lot of children who are waiting to be adopted? Would he like an older child (not a baby) and thus is why he would rather adopt?

Have you discussed the legal and monetary costs associated with adoption? Have you discussed open adoptions? What will you tell the child? Will they know from the start? These are things that you have to take into consideration from the get-go because with a child that comes from you and your husband, these things are not an issue.

I would be completely on board with adopting if I didn't want to get pregnant again (or couldn't) and my husband wanted to have another child.

I think it's hard for men to understand the bond/experience that pregnancy and birth is for women so it's hard to understand the need/want to do it again (they see the end result and are happy with that).

I would express to him why you want to get pregnant and really tell him your true feelings. If you still cannot agree on something, agree to shelve the idea (either one) for a few months/a year and then discuss again. You never know how both of you will feel then.

I have never had a dula or midwife - I liked having just my husband and the nurses/doctor in the room. I feel that my husband can be the best coach I need. But that is just me!