Monster-in-law

My advice is to move away from them helping a lot. Doesn't mean you have to cut all ties...but limit the amount of time you see them.

.

I would stop asking them for help, and limit the amount of time I see them. Especially if they are now telling your children about what they think of you and your husband's parenting. Sometimes, when people help us, they seem to believe it is their right to then comment or critique how you handle things since you asked for help in the first place. It is wrong, and very damaging. Misery loves company. Nip that in the bud, and separate yourself from their lack of empathy. Hopefully distance will change their mind, especially when they see that you aren't asking for their help anymore.

There's no such thing as a free lunch. You need their help quite a bit therefore in their minds they are "helping you" raise your children.

If you don't want their input, then stop asking for help. As long as you are dependent on them for assistance, you will deal with their opinions. Think of it as their "fee" for helping.

This plays out in our family too. My SIL is highly reliant on my MIL for everything- right down to my MIL paying for my nieces' activities b/c they can't afford it (neither can she, but that's another story). We have watched my MIL (genuinely a good person) add her two cents into EVERYTHING and have seen her on more than one occassion "undo" my SIL's parenting. Her reasoning is that my nieces have spent so much time with her that she knows them as well and has as much to do with raising them as her parents. My son is quite a bit younger and let's just say we have learned by watching my SIL- we rarely, if ever, ask for help. When we do, it's because we really don't have another option and for short periods of time only.

You have gotten some great advice so far.
I'm not sure how they are "helping you out a lot" i.e. picking up the kids, babysitting, and/or financial help but I think you are starting to realize, that is the key to their manipulation of you.
You need to step back and stop accepting the help, whatever it is. You can do this gradually, one step at a time....no need to suddenly announce "We no longer need your help with anything!" or cut them off cold turkey. That will just cause more drama.
But now is the time to become more self reliant...more distant from them...and with that will come self confidence.
Trust me I have been there done that with my in laws, so has my husband. I'll spare you the details but let me just tell you this, deciding NOT to accept their "help" ($$$) has been one of the best decisions we ever made.
Their visits are now brief and my MIL's mouth stays shut (for the most part LOL) because she knows it is at our "will and pleasure" that she is welcome to be involved....NOT because we are obligated!

I've heard from an Asian woman, and read in People magazine how asian mothers or parents can be very strict with their children's studies. Are you Asian? If so, they have a reputation for being very tough, and very demanding when it comes to being a top notch student. They have to be high achievers.
Do you really need them to watch the children? Can you somehow limit the amount of time they spend with the kids or even yourselves? Otherwise, if you snap, you might lose them and the help they provide. Your hubby will have to talk to them, about not pressuring the children, or insulting you to them. They're set in their ways and it's not going to be easy telling them to back off.
I told my mother-in-law several times how I didn't like how things were handled with my kids when she had them. It's lasted for a short while, but then it's back to the same old thing. Go to Hawaii, souunds like better quality of life. Wish you luck J.

You may have to seperate yourself from them except when necessary. there has to be boundaries. Often if someone is helping you, like picking up the kids, the assume they have the right to say or do whatever. You need to establish that they have their roles and you have yours. I am very open with my MIL, I will tell her how its going to be, and I have had to limit her time with my kids until she cleaned up her act! Remember, you are the Mom, you have the right to be respected, becasue you don't want your kids thinking that behavior is acceptable!

People like this aren't going to change. Your husband has already spoken to them, and no improvement.

So, limit your exposure to them and just smile and nod and say, "You're right, I am d-u-m-b. Thanks for letting me know." Then, put it out of your head and have a glass of wine.

I think you have the right to say something now to her personally, face to face. Confront her respectfully and tell her exactly what your son came home saying. Tell her that she has her right to her opinions, however, she does not have the right to tell your children what she thinks. I would also inform her that if this type of behavior of degrading you and your husband continues, her time with the children will become less and less and eventually you will cut them out of your children's lives forever. I would propose to her that you start fresh, and to both work at your relationship and getting along and respecting each other. If she AT ALL denies any of these proposals, cut her off immediately. Do not ask her for help with your children. I think possibly if you call her bluff, she'll react better instead of your husband saying anything. She's proven not to behave after being spoken to by him. Good luck. Monster in laws are such a pain. :)

Luckily, I don't have this problem. I wonder if you can look to your circle of friends, or people that you could pay to do the work that the in-laws do and wean yourself of their help. If your husband is doing the right thing in trying to get them off your back and it's not working, start distancing yourself. Don't forbid them to come over, see the grandkids, etc., just don't call on them to help. Maybe they feel "used" and are taking it out in a passive-agressive way. But if they've always been this way, they may not change. Good luck!

By chance, did you see the new show on A&E last night: Monsters In Law?

Anyway, no they are not going to change. But don't allow them to disrespect you like that. And your husband shouldn't allow it either. They owe you an apology for the comments made. Not sure in what ways they "help you out" but whatever, it is, find another way. Wouldn't you rather have a neighbor pick up your child from school? Or leave work & you or husband do it yourselves. I wouldn't count on them for anything, especially if the feeling that they then have the "right" to editorialize about you comes as part of that package.
Good luck!

Morning,
i can completly relate to your situation, my mother in law is the same but critical in other way, ( my physical appearance). Ive limited my contact with her, and it has helped BUT her comments are the hardest to move on from. I dont have any advice, since i am sort of your situation , i am just very sorry that you are going through this.

Sometimes you need to take people with a grain of salt. Consider the source, etc.

Sometimes you just have to realize that some people won't change. Nor will they ever realize the negative affect they have on others.

She probably senses your fake niceness. There are times when that "fake" is sooo obvious the other person simply reacts in kind. Maybe she is treating you the way SHE FEELS you are treating HER. Look in that mirror and see if that's true.

Nothing in life is free - someone, somewhere paid for it. So if you want their help. You need to accept that they might not change until you change or never at all....if you don't want them active in your life, then you will have to take time off work when your kids are sick.

Instead of having your husband talk to his parents. Why don't YOU talk with her? Find out where she is coming from?

Other than that - I don't know how to help you. My first MIL was a great W.. If her son was wrong, she would tell him. If I was wrong, she would tell me. She didn't interfere with our marriage. My second MIL? It was a rocky road at first...but come to find out from my SILs...I was her "favorite" daughter because I didn't just lay down and take her stuff. I listened, if I didn't like her advice, I just said THANK YOU and continued on my path.

GOOD LUCK!!

The rule of thumb from advice columnists is each person deals with his/her parents. Your husband needs to communicate with his parents in whatever way he deems most effective. His message should be "You will not disrespect my wife." I'm not sure what you mean when you said your husband "has spoken to them several times". Did he ask nicely, did he plead? He should lay it down as the law. It should only take ONE time. The problem is your husband, not you.
My husband's parents were very curious about me and my background. He told them in no uncertain terms that they are not to make me feel uncomfortable/upset/disrespected no matter what the circumstances. They walked on eggshells around me for several years.