Moms with Kids with ADHD

I know this experience can be a really bad thing for a child. Once they have a label like this put upon them, many people will view them for only their disorder and not who they are as a whole person. Still, more people refuse to acknowledge ADD/ADHD as a viable disorder (which I think is because this particular label was handed out to far more people than really was needed) and so they just think the child is "acting up".

My oldest daughter has had behavior problems since she was 2 (she's 9 now) and we have been in and out of counselor and psychologist rooms in hopes of dealing with it. Several times, people (Counselors, school advisors..) have tested her as having a "high probability" of ADHD and ODD as well at times. They have always encouraged me to have her "officially diagnosed" but I refuse.

I know once that label is put upon her she will be dismissed as a problem child and many people will insist I medicate her. In fact, one of the counselors we were going to continued to pressure us into putting Torri on a "trial run" of medication even though she had never been diagnosed with anything!

If you're wondering why I am so against it all, it is because of two main things. The first of which is because I believe people in America (children, especially) are over-medicated. As a child my older brothers and I were placed upon a drug called Pamelor (which I have come to know now is an antidepressant) simply because my father complained that we were "acting up". None of us were diagnosed with any condition, the psychiatrist just decided to place all three of us on this drug that my mother later said turned us into "zombies" and she used the drug's cost to appeal to my abusive father to allow us to stop taking it.

The second reason I feel so passionately about these things is because my boyfriend was barred from joining the military because he was diagnosed with ADD. While I don't believe the government bars applicants due to ADD anymore (due to the simple fact that just so MANY people "have" it now!) this was one of the many ways he was discriminated against simply from having ADD. His mother now says she regrets ever having him diagnosed.

The possibility of my girl having ADD is real, as several family members have the diagnosis and you're right it is largely an inherited condition, but I still refuse medication. I view drugging her as an absolute "last resort". After doing some research, I've found other ways that can manage conditions like ADHD - such as dietary restrictions.

Those with ADD/ADHD - their brains just work differently than the other/"normal" people in the world. But who is to say that its a bad thing? While my boyfriend's having the condition has caused some communication problems in the past, I have learned to understand him better. I think that you will be able to do the same thing with your little boy. Its a little confusing and frustrating first, but great once you've reached the point where you understand each other and you know what his line of thought is like.

I think that communication will be your biggest challenge, along with finding a treatment that works well without changing his personality. You might have to do some trial and error for a while and I just hope that he won't have to bounce from medication to medication as you're searching for the "right" one. In the mean time, keep all your other options in mind and see what you can do to remain patient with him (as well as all the people who are giving you grief over this!) I've been at my wit's end with Torri on more than one occasion but I have found that things have definitely been improving as she gets older. So that should be some good news for you. :)

You are not alone! My five year old also has ADHD and it is hard. I also have ADHD so I can relate to my child and it sometimes makes it difficult not to get emotional about it. I am waiting for our ped office to call back for an appointment for meds, but there are other places you can go. There is www.chadd.org they have fabulous information, also ADDitude magazine has a website with tons of information as well. Depending on where you are located there might be support groups. I know there is one here through CHADD. Does your son have a pychologist (sp) yet? They do alot of help with support with you and your child. In some of the information from the above websites is some information on supporting parents Its not your fault!!! I hope this helps.

You may want to contact PACER, a parent advocacy group. Their web site is www.pacer.org and they provide a great variety of support and informational services for parents who are dealing with special issues. They were a lifesaver for me when my son was first diagnosed with ADD (a diagnosis which was later shown to be incorrect but that's another story). It's wonderful to talk to others who have walked in your shoes and who understand that you are trying hard to do the right thing with your child. Good luck and don't give up . . .

KD

K. I just asked the same thing yesterday! My daughter started meds this week. I haven't seen much inprovement but she's on a very small dose. My husband thinks I just need to work with her a little more. But the worst part is I have. So I know what your going through. To help out with infomation for family members I came across a web site that might help. Family doctor.com I printed out information and gave it to my husband and mother they seem to be more understanding now. I hope it helps to know your not the only one. I'll keep my fingers crossed for you and if I find anything else helpful I'll pass it on.

It might help your family if you tell them that your son feels the way they might feel if they had had twelve cups of coffee--all the time. The medication (some people have an easier time with it if you call it medicine) is a way of helping his body get to where it works more like ours. What do they mean when they say discipline? Is that their word for punishment? What he needs is lots and lots of love and compassion--and once that's in place then he might need some help/guidance in making choices that will work for everyone. Also, a lot of these kids can be helped by looking at what they eat. Are food allergies a possibility? Sugar turns my little guy into a wild giggle-box. (But it might be some other food/s for yours.)
Worrying about the future is not useful. There are lots of bright possibilities for the future, but for now there is only NOW, and that's enough to focus on. Sending you hugs--it will all work out!

I know this is a late response, but better late than never?
My son was also diagnosed with both of these when he was 6. Thankfully my family was supportive while my exes family tried to place a lot of the blame on his upbringing (I had single parented him until he was 4). Besides meds, we found him a counselor, and also did about a year of behavior management with a specialist in that area. The counselor helped him with seeing the consequences of his actions, altho at that age, it was really hard to see it working. The behavior management specialist helped us be very consistent and find both positive ways of behavior reinforcement and consistent discipline that didn't make the anger and the outbursts worse at the time. I can't say that it was easy, because it wasnt', but with the consistency, over time, his behaviors have become a lot more manageable. I've also had to switch Dr's with him to get his meds adjusted to where they are helpful, but hopefully u won't have that additional problem! LOL! As for school, it took some time consuming work at first, but because of his diagnoses, he qualifies for the Special Services programs, and under that can have additional help in the classroom and they can make modifications to meet his needs and work with his behaviors should they happen at school.
I know this was a rather lengthy response, but hopefully something that we went thru at the beginning with my son will help u. He is doing much better now than when he was at that point, and the people that used to blame my parenting are either no longer a huge part of our lives (he didn't need that stress and conflict) or have accepted that he is what he is and he is a very loveable child!
The biggest thing is just consistency consistency consistency... U will find what works for ur family, sometimes it just takes time!
C. A

Hi K.-
This is a very serious situation and your parents just don't understand. Are they willing to get informed on ADHD and ODD? I have my BS in psych too and I remember very little about this but that it is serious and I'm glad you're getting help. I also wanted to add to the idea of diet. There have been findings of links between red dye #40 and ADHD so maybe try changing some things along with the meds? I know you must have a lot going on right now. Just know there is a great deal of support out there and even a ton on this website alone. Good luck and God bless!

Hello K.,

I just wanted to let you know that you're not the only parent that is having a hard time with the changes that having a child with ADHD brings. My family also feels the same way that yours seems to feel. They told me that I wasn't strict enough, and that it was just a phase that I was overreacting about, and everything in between. My own mother is still, after almost a year, acting like every time I give my son his meds I am poisoning him and telling me that it's going to be my fault when something happens (because of the meds)that cannot be undone.

But they just don't get it! It's hard to realize what other people are going through and all the hard choices that must be made until you are there yourself. This is one of those cases. I used to think like they do about the disipline, but I understand a lot more now then I did then. And I'm grateful for it.

My son's school was about to kick him out of classes last year(first grade)because they couldn't handle him, so as a last resort,and with the advise of professionals, we tried medication. Now he is one of their star pupils! I am so proud of him and so happy that he can finally sit still and focus. He just got his first 100% on a spelling test this week!! ;)

He is on 30MG of Vyvance, once a day in the mornings. The great thing about this medication is that it's totally out of his system by bedtime (sometimes a couple hours sooner, lol), and he doesn't have to take it on weekends if he doesn't want to. But he does want to. He likes that he now has more control and doesn't feel like it changes his actual personality at all. And we agree. He is sooo not a zombie! Goof Ball is more like it ! ;)

I know that this was long, but I hope that it helps. Feel free to email me if you have any other questions or just need an open ear...

Hi K.
Are you content having your son on medication? I see other posts indicating that food allergies or diet can be a leading cause to these type of issues. I do know that is true. I can help you if you are open to learning about a company that is helping others with the same situations.
It is never easy learning that your child has to deal with more and we all want the BEST for them.
I said a prayer for you and your family.
L.

I'm going to give a slightly different perspective. I realize the allure of a "quick fix" medication is very appealing. However, I firmly believe that in some cases, medicating doesn't treat the medical issue causing the behavioral difficulties. I would have your son tested for heavy metal poisoning, and also consider changing his diet to dairy, gluten, and dye free to see if it has any effect. Good Luck.

The good news is that the ODD is often a side effect of untreated ADHD. Our son is 8 and we have struggled with him his whole life. I have to keep telling people that this is not a new problem.I know exactly what your going through. We put our son on medication in February. Within 2 weeks,he was much more willing to work with us. Before the medication, he wouldn't do anything at school or home. He argued about everything. Everybody hates him, he has no friends. He was in counseling for about 8 months before we started the medication thinking that there was another solution. It is so good that you are starting this now. Our son is a gifted child and I belive that kept us from getting him properly diagnosed sooner. I feel like his relationship with his peers may be forever damaged because of them seeing his behavior problems before. Hopefully in another year or so, they will forget all about how he used to be and see him for what he is. My in-laws were very resistant to putting him on medication. We hid it from them for 2 months. When we told them, they said that we just ruined his whole life. I need to spend more time with him. He's just trying to get our attention-he's not sick. After talking with my husbands grandparents, I discovered that there was a family link! My husband has an uncle that left the family 20 yrs ago and he was on medication from a young age for ADD!!! Just keep your head up and know that only you know exactly what your son needs. I am sure that if it turns out the current medication he's on isn't working, then you'll try something different. Nobody will fight for him unless you lead the charge!! Good luck and as our psych keeps telling us, it's a marathon.

Hi K.!

My middle child is 3 and he was diagnosed with ADHD and ODD about three months ago. His father and I both have ADHD, so we pretty much expected it. He has been on Aderall (which his Dad takes) for three months now and he's a totally different boy. His personality hasn't changed, but the destructive uncontrolable boy has been relapced with a well mannered focused young man. His table manners used to be worse than our 17 month old, and now they're better than the 5 year old. Our marriage has improved also. We no longer fight about how to deal with our son or take out our frustrations with him on each other. In fact, I just read your post to him and he rolled his eyes about the "just needs more discipline" part. He told me to tell you that "people don't understand unless they have a child who has it" and to take what they say in one ear and out the other. You are not alone, and you are doing the best thing for your child no matter what anyone else says. Be happy you got this taken care of early, my MIL didn't get anyone to believe her about my husband until he was 14, and even then the docs were hesitant about it. I have a BS in psychology and I'm halfway through my master and even with all I know about it with my education, it was still really hard to see it in my own child, and is even still hard to deal with. If you need anything or a sounding board to vent, feel free to contact me. Hope this helps and good luck!

I think the biggest thing I can say is that you are not alone. My parents (or my mother) is not supportive at all about the choices I have made for my daughter. I am quite fortunate and have an amazing IEP teacher at school. I battled with my daughter's father (we are divorced) over what options to do and had to get a court order to put her on medication for ADD. Her grades improved, tests scores keep going up and her focus has much improved in school. It is amazing the difference. It is really hard when your family doesn't support you but there are many support groups out there. My daughter has been on the lowest dose of Concerta now for just over a year. And if we "skip a day" we totally notice the difference. Find support groups and follow your instincts. I too had responses from my family of "just try doing things differently, etc." and we tried out EVERYTHING else before the medication. My daughter is 10 and a half, she was diagnosed during the summer of first and second grade and it took two years before we went to medication. Good luck and hang in there!

Hi K.-

I found out this summer that I have ADD, (I'm 37). It's likely one or both of my children will have ADD as well, (since it's genetic)..but one is 21 months and the other in utero so a bit to soon to tell!

What I can tell you is this...you do have to learn to discipline 'differently'..but your child doesn't have adhd because you are a bad parent. I have actually chosen to not talk to my family about my diagnosis for the same reason-they won't get it-although now that I know the symptoms I think at least two of my siblings and their kids have it as well.

A helpful web site is: www.chadd.org it's the child/adult association for people with ADD. There are also support groups you can join.

I also hate the label 'learning disability'...it is NOT an LD-kids/adults with ADHD are just wired differently and they think and approach things in a different manner, (kinda like being left handed vs right handed)...trust me..once your son is on meds and he has people around him who understand that he thinks differently a load will be taken off his shoulders.

A great book: driven to distraction, written by doctors WITH adhd...and another is: you mean i'm not crazy, stupid or lazy?

Good luck to you and your son-once I found out about my adhd it explained SO much of my struggles-and I have found there is a lot of information and support out there.

Hi K.!
My son is in 3rd grade and was FINALLY formally diagnosed this summer with ADHD- and Oppositional defiant- love the names right? I have known since my son was 2 there was something different, and when we hit school-OMG I thought I was going to lose my mind. As you say- "society" friends, relatives- my HUSBAND at the time all said I needed to beat his butt- which I did- and it didnt' make any difference- I was frustrated thinking I was a crappy parent, we medicated- "to help him sleep" when he was 3, and the anger issues got better but behavior didn't. The other frustrating thing with ADHD is, my son does all the same stuff that other kids do-well, other boys, so diagnosing him was hard- he's just a boy was all I heard from Drs. In kindergarten- my son ASKED for his medicine back- but thinking it was only to help with sleep issues- I didn't think we needed it- so I needlessly allowed my son to struggle the first 3 years of school. When my 8 year old little boy told me this summer-out of frustration, that he just wished he would die because he hated himself- I decided to push until I got some answers- we first used concerta- which I loved, and now are on a 10 hour Metadate with a 4 hour booster of Ritalin in the afternoon- at my son's request. I have my littel boy back and I am so happy. We are making it through the school year tremendously- having good days- nearly EVERYDAY. The teachers have commented to me that they don't even recognize him anymore- and that's a good thing- I don't have to cover my face when I tell someone who I am at the school, and best of all- my son finally has been invited to a birthday party- he has friends, that have been hard to come by in the past. You are a wonderful parent- as am I, to be able to care for your son, and allow him a chance at success in life. Even after our diagnosis I had a problem getting my son to take the concerta, we fought and fought- he thought he was choking- I thought he was playing me, and had an adult adivse me it was an honest sensation- they got the same feeling from concerta. But we had such a bad morning one day- I dropped my son at school, and drove myself to the children's hospital ER- claiming safe haven!I was a MESS! I was at wits end and didn't understand the dynamics of ADHD, they called they psychologist who then explained it to me- and I got it! I am in Omaha, and have found no support group dealing with ADHD, so I feel alone at times to- although, I have found a few people I can talk to. If you ever need a shoulder to lean on, feel free to email me- I am here and always willing to lend an ear- S.

My daughter was diagnosed with the same 2 things when she was 6 years old. I know what you are going through but it is not your fault. We tried everything from consistent consequences, diet, counceling, behavior charts and nothing worked. Our family did not understand because she looked "normal" at family events when everyone was running around out of control but they did not live in our house. After much prayer and advise from our family doctor, we opted to put her on medication- Concerta. Now, here's the good news....she is now 12 years old- still taking Concerta but she is doing great. Her teachers don't even know she has ADHD mostly because of the meds but also because she is maturing. She caught up in school and is an A student with lots of friends. Our home life has improve immensely since she has been medicated. Many of our family members don't even know she takes medication because they were so opposed to it. She wants to take it because she doesn't like the out of control feeling she gets when she doesn't. Hang on mom- you will make it through this!

Dear K. my son is now 16 and was diagnosised at the age of 5 so I can understand your fears. There are some great medications out there and it may take a few trials to find the correct one for your child. My son couldn't take any of them because of the negative reactions that they had on him. Although the Dr's will tall you that you need to say yes more than no, I found that if I treted him no different than my other son I got a great deal from him. The one thing I would caution you about is school, you will need to be a champion advocate for him. Do worry he is going to be fine but it will take time, patience and loving and he will turn out great. Feel free to contact me directly if youu wish additional infornation. Your son is no different than any other child, he just has a few more challenges to over come.

Hi K.:
I have a granddaughter who is Austic-ADD-and ODD she is a real handful on many days. One thing we found out is MSG and yogert have a profound effect on the behavior of kids with these disorders. Both of these things can cause violent behavior in children with these disorders. I would do a lot of research online and talk to your doctor and any therapist working with your son. Don't let them dismiss your concerns about foods and food additives if you find that your son behaves differently after eating a certain food take that food out of his diet for a week or two then try it again if his behavior changes again keep it out of his diet.
You might also want to look into Tae Kwon Do training for your son. The act of using both sides of the body in unison seems to help kids with ADD-ODD and dyslexia. I am a black belt and also dyslexic and I found that it helped me a lot. A person training in TKD has to be able to perform all skills with both the left and right hand and foot. The act of punching with both hands seems to help connect the brain energies. Don't worry that he will use the skills he learns in school or on the playground. A good martial arts instructor will teach him that he is only to use his training if he feels threatened by another person. And only to hit or kick as a last resort. Talk to his instructor and explain his disorder to the instructor and why you are signing him up for classes.

I suspected for awhile that my oldest was ADD. My sister is ADD and has been since she was very young. I had my son tested when he was 6 and I was right. My husband was resistant, but we put him on meds and it was the best thing we ever did for him. It allowed him to concentrate at school and his performance improved. He is now 9 and if he forgets to take his meds he reminds me, he doesn't like the way he feels when he isn't on his meds. My husband couldn't believe the change in him and also insists that he take his meds. My sister describes the feeling of not being on meds like have your mind racing with all kids of thoughts but not being able to settle on just one. She is an adult and still takes meds. While diet can help, I don't think it is a cure all. You will get all kinds of opinions on what people think you should do. You need to listen to you heart and chose what you think is best for your son. You are the only one who knows what is best for him. Best of luck to you.