Moms That Hold Grudges with Her Kids

Hello S., What helped me when my kids were young, was to look at behavior as one thing, and a persons soul as another. We all have behavior that is not becoming, like holding grudges. That does not make us bad people. Think: Love the child, hate the behavior. This made it easier also to correct the bad behavior properly and without anger. I hope this is helpful. Good luck.

S.
i get the same way some time and what i do is count to ten or wear a rubber band around my wrist and when i find my self getting mad i snap the band sound silly but it works my girls are 4 1/2 10 15 16 19

Offenses are VERY hard to get over, and you're right that you're going to experience many more throughout your life. I had a hard time watching my siblings get married so I know I'm going to have to accept my kids getting married someday...and it's going to be VERY VERY hard for me! LOL

I believe that many times it's only with God's help that you can get over an offense. Pray about it, and every time it begins to upset you again just stop and pray for whomever you are offended at. Just pray every single day for your kids...first thing in the morning. And then, forgive them. Whatever it is that has upset and offended you just forgive them. It doesn't mean that you are condoning what they did, you're just forgiving them.

Prayer and forgiveness is what will help you through it. I know sometimes it sounds silly, but it does work and you will feel much better not having that offense inside you anymore. Each time that feeling of offense pops up just say a prayer for the person/child.

I know you want to get over it since you're being bold and posting it on here. Hang in there and take care. You'll get through it!

You probably need to forgive yourself a little when you hold these grudges. It is very difficult to stay home with your kids especially as young as yours are. It is non-stop work and attention without many breaks. I remember! When your child does a foolish thing it usually causes MORE work for you and you resent it. Understandable. The fact that you recognize it puts you ahead of the game already. You can't help but feel angry but you can try to fake it with your kids when they ask if you are angry- because, you're right, you don't want them to feel like they can't make mistakes. So just tell them that you are not angry and they will feel better and often you will too.

I know how you feel, its hard sometimes with all the stress going on around you and then your kid does something that makes you so upset, we have all felt this way I'm sure MANY times. The way you are feeling is natural but the way you deal with is up to you. Personally I talk to my daughter about everything she does, she is only 3 but I think her and I have a good relationship so far (her dad is not in the picture much) but when she does something wrong if I'm really upset she goes into time out for 3 minutes and that gives me time to get my thoughts together so I don't do or say anything I will feel bad for later. After her 3 minutes (sometimes longer depending on how long it takes me to calm down a bit) I sit next to her and we descuss what happened, why it happened and what we are going to do about it now and if it happens again. believe it or not she understands me. We then hug/kiss and then let it go. I know having 2 and being pregnant with the 3rd is a HUGE difference than just having one but communication is very important. Good lick with everything

***The comment about remembering how you felt when you did something wrong and got punished for it by your parents made a lot of sence, do you remember thinking that your parents never listen to you?? well maybe your kids feels the same way. Listen to what they say when they explain why they did what they did, it might give you insight about how they are feeling and why something happened the way it did, that way you may be able to stop it from happening again.

I appreciate your honesty! I think a lot of moms have probably felt that way at times. Each day IS a gift from God, and so is His mercy, which covers every dumb thing we do as adults. The best way to teach that to a child is to show him mercy and forgiveness too! If you show them understanding, they will grow up to be kinder adults who let things roll off instead of harboring negativity toward others. I think we should be honest with our feelings too, and if you're frustrated with your child, you should say so, but let them know you're not angry, that you understand he has to make mistakes to learn, just like grown ups do.
Maybe you're too hard on yourself. With such little ones, sometimes we get tired and react emotionally. Make some time to relax and have fun with the kids if you can. Believe me, they will not remember your mistakes. They will only remember how much they love to be with you!! I think you are wise to ask this question and to recognize this issue. You are doing a great job!! I hope your dream of staying home becomes a reality. I have enjoyed every moment with mine and don't regret a second of it!
Blessings to you!

Hi S.,
I to have a problem of holding on to things. I have to tell myself that this is not there fault. They have said they are sorry, and now it's my turn to Let It Go. Sometimes I need a little alone time to help my mind to wind down, then tell myself that holding on to this is not worth it. The only one who you are hurting with this behavior is yourself.
Be honest with your children, and tell them you need a time out to free your mind of something. Say a prayer that you can let it out of your mind, and focus on giving your children all the love you can. Your children are only little for a short time. Enjoy it while you can.
Hope this advice can help you. Best wishes.
C. O.

It's really important to remember that it is NOT Us vs. Them.

We are a team.

Mom's are the team Captain (God being the Coach...we take direction from him in how to love and treat our kids in ways that would be pleasing to him...love and gentleness) It's our job to encourage and guide our kids to being all they can be (and really all they can be not what we think they should be)

It's helpful to re-evaluate your child's actual abilities. I see that your oldest is only 3, it might be helpful to read about what other 3yr olds are doing and what is age appropriate. There is a book called "Your three Year old" (there is actually a whole series) the author is Louise Bates. It contains helpful information on behavioral development that can really bring your ideas of what to expect from your 3yr old into focus.

Hi S.,
You are so way ahead of the game by recognizing what you're feeling and doing. Good for you! I'd try journalling this, even though you're very busy, and thinking through how this has developed in you, going back into your childhood. How did your parents handle things and how did you feel? What about sibling squabbles or incidents with playmates? A lot of things we do as adults are defense mechanisms we developed as kids to help us survive, then we find these same things getting in the way of healthy relationships when we're adults. We tend to repeat behaviors over and over, still trying to solve childhood issues. What do these incidents represent to you? You may have to do something as silly as tell yourself "S., you're grown up now. You're the parent here, and no longer a child. You're in control of your own feelings." Good parents learn to empathize with their children and ask themselves "What would I want my mom to do in this situation? What would be healthiest and most helpful?" Somehow your son is feeling responsible for your feelings and he's not sure how to fix them. It's very hard for a parent to look at their own areas of immaturity and dysfunction and change it, but you're sure off to a good start. Apologizing to kids and letting them know that moms have struggles too and it's not their children's fault can be good modelling for them and free them up. We all have unfinished business in our lives, but we tend to protect ourselves from the discomfort of taking responsibility for changing what we're doing that can hurt those we love. Keep up the good work, S.! You are the one who holds the key to becoming the mom you want to be. A really helpful book on parenting is HOW TO REALLY LOVE YOUR CHILD by Ross Campbell. It's an older book - very insightful.

Hi S.,

Are you a christian? If so, try to remember how much Christ has forgiven you. Your children's offenses will seem piddly in the light of your own sins.

Also, memorizing some scripture to help fight this would be helpful. Maybe part of the Lord's prayer: Matthew 6:12 "And forgive us our debts, as we forgive our debtors." Or Matthew 6:14-15 "For if ye forgive men their trespasses, your heavenly Father will also forgive you: But if ye forgive not men their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses." Read Matthew 18:23-35.

I don't think these verses are saying you must forgive others to be saved, but when we are saved then Christ gives us the power to forgive those who wrong us, as we can see how much Christ has forgiven us. The ability to forgive others unconditionally is an evidence of our salvation.

Pray for strength and God's help to overcome.

HI,

There is a saying.... "There is something about that person I don't like about myself..." Often times when we see children/people that just rub us the wrong way - it is a result of something within ourselves that we don't like and/or haven't dealt appropriately with. Take some time and look at the behavior your children are exhibiting and ask yourself "honestly" what about that behavior reminds you of something you don't like about yourself. It could be something as simple as you wish you would have the time-energy-desire, to pick up after yourself; but instead of addressing it with yourself, you direct/reflect that anger to your children when they don't do - what it is you want yourself to do.... I think you get the picture here.

Sounds like some unresolved older issues at work... you really truly have to get to the bottom of them in order to be not only happy with your children - but ultimately happy with yourself.

I hope this helps.

Best wishes.

S~

I'm not sure why you think it is wrong to get angry. Sometimes anger is the appropiate emotion. It is how we handle that anger that determines if it is a behavior that needs to be changed or not. If you are angry, tell your son, that yes, you are angry, tell him why, teach him to apologize when it is appropiate, and I bet that the grude will dissipate at that point. One of the things (there are so many! LOL) that make me angry is when my feelings aren't recognized as being legitimate, even by a child. I think your child's honesty is your mirror, use that to guide you. He sees your true emotion, now take it from there to work the emotion through, and the grude will fall away.

Laugh and do silly things yourself, if you make them try for perfection all the time they are going to grow up to feel little self worth,like they are just not good enough.
Sing silly songs with them make stupid jokes and once in a while just screw up so that they learn that it's ok.

Breath Breathing into you abdomin and release and listening to it as it happens. So when an insidence happens stop breathe before you react. think about your reaction and how it will effect everyone. Another thing is when something happens and your strung out on it tellyour self there little they don't know any better. so what they spilt ther milk it can be cleaned up its not like its a permit thing and you will never get it back. So tell yourself relax don't be so mad at spilt milk. There small and there learning. No one is perfect. If you want perfect with kids it isn't gonna happen and if your really stuck on perfection get of the high horse you have children. I am not trying to be mean or critasis but sometimes as we are parents we live like our parents in some ways and in some ways we also treat the kids the way we where treated and we have to remember we are not perfect and how we felt when we where being scolded by our parents of spilling something or doing something that we needed to learn right from wrong on. We all go through what your going through so I hope I could give you something to work on and think about.

Hi S.,

I want to offer my support. I completely understand the frustration you feel. I'm pregnant with my third, due any day now, thankfully. I've been sick the entire pregnancy and have been an absolute bear at times with my kids which I deeply regret, but they understand that I'm not always feeling my best and can't always do everything I used to do with them. Sometimes the little things they do upset me. It's ok to get angry at times, but don't bottle it in. What I've learned through therapy many years ago, was to not sweat the small stuff and to mentally put your anger/frustrations in a box and vision yourself throwing it over a boat never to be seen again, leaving you a clean slate to start anew. It may sound strange, but works. Cut yourself some slack and pat yourself on the back for being a mom.

Hi S.,
Just today my son hit me in the nose (on accident). We were playing and I was behind him and he went to wave his arm and nailed me. It hurt. I was so irritated. I tell my kids that I'm going to go have a time out for a minute. I know it's silly but it gives me time to regroup without them around me. That way I can get over it without making them feel hurt and me not angry towards them. Usually it only takes me a minute to get over it but it's nice they know to give me that minute. You could try something like that. I hope that noone writes anything to make you feel bad. People can be rude so if they do don't give it a second thought. You are not alone in feeling this way. Good luck.
Chris

Hi S., I am starting to believe that this is normal behavior and also that we need to get it under control. Yesterday was a hard day for me. I then realized it is a new moon, I normally don't pay attention to that stuff, but I have noticed that my kids are little animals whenever there is a new moon, especially my daughter, and I am crazy at that time too. Anyway, for me it is also hormonal, and too high of expectations. When i was done having kids I went on the pill and it made a huge difference for me. I am so much better. So, maybe for you it is the stress of having 2 little ones and being pregnant.

I suggest letting the house go a little bit, asking for help from your husband and family with the housework, and taking time for yourself, if there is a grandma or daycare, take the kids there one day a week and make that your shopping/clean the house day, or just your rest day. And no, it doesn't help to do it on the weekend when your hubby can watch them, unless he is taking them out of hte house for 6 hours. Give yourself a break, physically, mentally, emotionally. Go in a different room and count to 10. What helps me the most is that when they act like that I declare movie time, we make popcorn, make beds ont he floor, get sippy cups of a treat(no caffeine) and we veg out to a movie, sometimes a cartoon on "On Demand" and we just give up on any errands or other expectations for the day. Good luck.

I was pregnant with a 3 year old and a 1 year old 11 years ago now, and I still need to forgive myself often for how badly I handled myself. I'm just guessing that if you had the tendency pre-pregnancy its worse now? I suggest you seek the source of the frustration. It may be as simple as hormones, it may be more. Maybe you feel impatient because you know life will be even more hectic and the sense that you may lose control makes you feel the need for the kids to be "perfect"... whatever. I'm a big advocate of deep (Yogic) breathing. The kids learned it as belly-breaths, you may know it from birthing classes, but its all the same. Breathing deep into the belly and then filling the chest, letting it out in the ssame sequence & amount of time as you inhaled. Only use the nose. It has great effect on calming and "cleansing" the thoughts and tension of the moment. Try it, even do it with the kids, and give yourself a hug.

Hey S.,

First and foremost don't beat yourself up over this issue. You are only human and that means we just aren't perfect. I am the queen of grudges. Sad but true. Now I am no angel i have days that i feel horrible about how i handles a situation. However, what i do when the kids are just on my nerves frankly. When i get to the point that I am starting to feel its a conspiracy to see if they can make me crazy. lol I go to my bedroom and shut the door and stay in there for a little bit. in fact my kids now know when mom goes to the bedroom. We need to chill out for a few. Then that alone time cools me off so then I feel a bit more refreshed and can keep a bit more perspective. helps keep grudges down so to speak. Good luck. just know you arent alone.

just a couple thoughts from me. I think you need to take more time for just yourself. Make it a point to be away from the kids so you can recoupe and regenerate. Also, it is good that your kids know your feelings. I find it very helpful if I tell my kids when I'm angry at them, and explain why, if it's appropriate. My 3.5 year old asked me the other day if I was angry, this was after she just threw a fit that lasted 10 minutes. I told her yes and why. I have found I have cut down on "yelling" when I just tell my kids what upsets me. Now that doesn't stop them from doing theses things, but they don't do them as long or as much becasue they look at me and know i'm mad. I think by doing this it will help you get over the small stuff and let things go more easily.

Hi S., my question is for you to ask yourself why do you take things personally? Look inside of you to see what lies deepest. it's not always an easy thing to do, but it does help to understand yourself and better to be able to cope with the every day things in life. I understand that having young children it's hard to have time for yourself to contemplate, just try to steal a little quiet time. Myself, I am 44 with a disabled husband (bipolar) at home all day, all the kids grown and I have a hard time finding time for myself. Remember to always keep a sense of humor about the little things and don't sweat the small stuff. Hugs to you.

S., anger is part of life. Even God got angry! But, how you deal with your anger will teach your kids a valuable lesson. You can still love them when you are angry.

Try taking a deep breath and counting to ten. Try taking a walk. If the pressures of life are getting too much for you, you might want to consider a dietary supplement to help you with stress and anxiety. I can offer that too.

Hang in there. Just realizing that you are having a problem shows how much you love your kids! We've all been there!

S.
____@____.com

Hi S.,

It's really easy for us to get frustrated with our kids when they do things we deem silly or foolish. What you need to remember is that they are still really young and they don't know any better. They are still learning what is appropriate and what isn't. Everything they do is a learning experience and every reaction you give is a teaching experience. How can they know if something is silly or foolish if they haven't seen it happen or if they haven't done it before? You also need to remember that younger kids won't always "get it" the first time around. They will need reminders and they will need certin lessons taught more than once. I don't know how you explain things to your kids but with mine I have to be vey specific for them to understand. For example I can't say "don't touch the lamp" and expect to have them listen. I have to tell them "you don't want to pull or push the lamp or the cord because it can fall over and either break or hurt you or your brother really bad. We don't want that to happen, do we?" I also can't say "that was silly" and walk away. I have to get down on their level and say "when you did (such and such) it made me feel (such and such) because (explanation). How would you like it if someone did that to you?" Take it one step at a time and one breath at a time. They will eventually learn what you are trying to teach them and in turn they will most likely be able to learn from each other as they get older. You're doing fine. Kudos to you for asking for help!

Good luck - S.

PS. Lots of prayers when I'm feeling stressed also helps. ("God, help me teach them!") :o)

S.,

I'm glad you asked your question because I benefited from reading all the answers. I don't hold grudges, but do I think I get mad too quickly and yell too often. Here's what I have done to try to change my bad reactions.

1. I pray with my children every night and one of the things I pray for is that their father and I will be patient with them. If I know it's going to be a bad day (due to lack of sleep or whatever), I also pray in the morning for an extra dose of patience.

2. I try to remind myself of how few years my 3 year old has under her belt. They act so old at this age -- using big words, helping us around the house, dressing themselves-- that sometimes I forget as far as social behaivor is concerned, our little ones have very little experience, and it's our job to help them learn as they go. I try to remember God has given me these children as a gift, and He expects me to teach them to become the people He wants us to be.

3. I try to remember that God (and my husband too!) forgives me for doing things just as bad or worse than what my daughter does, and I'm not 3 anymore. I should know better.

4. I use humor. Instead of yelling "What are you thinking?!", I yell, "Good googa mooga!" It helps me let off a little of that steam that's building up by shouting, and it cracks my daughter up. She thinks it's hilarious, so she starts laughing, and there's nothing like the sound of my children laughing to help restore my good mood.

5. I also try to be silly when appropriate. If it's a minor offensive that was probably done absent-mindedly, then I tell my daughter if she doesn't stop (kicking the table, whining, etc.) that I am going to tickle her silly. She has to say, "I love you Momma" to make me stop tickling. So, her minor misbehaviors usually end with laughter and hugs instead of yelling.

Don't forget to pray. Best wishes,

A.

I understand about the sincere and compassionate requests. I put a concern out there and one mom who responded was pretty nasty. Guess she was having a bad day.

Anyway, two little ones and a baby on the way. You are a busy lady and of course the hormones are in "full bloom" with being pregnant.

It has taken me a long time to, for the most part, laugh when my kids are silly (they are 15 and 12). Sometimes my 15 year old son feels like he has to be Mr. Comic Relief and it gets excessive.

But I read that a study was conducted and that when a person laughs 12 times per day, they are healthier. So laugh with your kids. Also think about the kids who don't have time to be silly because of where they live, maybe no family, etc. As I am saying this to you, I am reiterating it to myself.

Also, when my kids give me a little grief I try to be thankful that they have the courage and strength to stand up for themselves.

Oh and I had my son when I was 36 and my daughter when I was 39. So I understand what it is like to be in your 30s and be pregnant.

Many blessings,

M.