Moms (Or Dads) Who Have Shared Custody or Split Parenting of a Child.....

Sometimes I feel like that with my stepdaughter. We were able to get her more at our house than her mom's (which is good!) and relations between her mother and us are fine.

Still, at our house she has responsibilities, boundaries, bedtimes, good nutrition, manners, etc. At her mom's there is no bedtime, she can eat whatever she wants, no manners, no responsibilities. When she comes back from mom's she's always messed up. It takes a day or two to get her back.

Shared custody can feel a bit like banging your head against a wall! I have dreaded the time when she turns into a teen if some things don't change.

You know, the world WILL knock your child on their butt if they are not prepared. I think the best you can do is let your son know you are there for him to teach him what he needs to know, but you will not GIVE it to him. He may need to spread his wings and "crash" before he's ready to make the change.

I've had to stand by and watch my stepdaughter "fail" at something before she's ready to listen. I hate doing it--I hate seeing her sad or frustrated. But you know, those are the moments that make the biggest impression.

Loving your son is all you can do. And you may need to have a heart-to-heart with him. Ask him what he wants out of life. Sometimes that's all it takes! My SD is only 10 but when she gets really bad I ask her how she wants her life to be. Does she want a life with no privileges?

Sometimes kids just need a wake-up call--but also need to know they can get what they want and you can help them.

Good luck! And you're not alone!

I'm not in this situation, but I want you to know that many parents feel this way about their older teens. Some 17 years will not go to college. It's hard for parents who have envisioned that for their kids for years, but it's reality.

Sometimes tough love is called for. You cannot make him want to excel in school or get a job or clean up his room. But you don't have to coddle him. And you shouldn't. At some point when he realizes that life is passing him by and the people he is living with get tired of a grown man sitting at home doing nothing, he might want to try community college. Only offer to pay for his classes. Don't pay for any living expenses. If he has to go out and get a job while he's in school, he will try harder. If he wants to try to transfer to a junior or 4 year college, demand to see his grades. If he has good enough grades, you'll consider a semester at a time, only if you can see his grades.

Don't talk about all this stuff to him now. Wait until he brings it up when he's a senior. And don't try to get him to come over all the time. He is manipulating you, and you shouldn't put up with that.

Sometimes people have to wait until the kids are grown up before they become friends. But if you let your son run roughshod all over you, he won't see you as a friend, but only as his go-to for a handout.

I'm sorry the other set of parents have chosen this path with him. They will be sorry in the long run when he turns out so poorly.

Dawn

I'm the bio mom with my oldest son in a divorce situation . . . one thing that I have realized over the years is that we sometimes blame things on the family dynamic when that may or may not be the problem. Of course it doesn't help either, I'm not suggesting that.

Most 17 year olds are pretty self absorbed (that's the nature of being a teenager). I was too and my parents weren't divorced.

Also, boys tend to be pretty practical. If they don't have to do it they won't. That's where the family dynamic cuts against you. You can't exert the leverage that you would have if he didn't have other options. But I bet you still have more influence than you think you do.

He's to the point where you will have to let go a bit and just let him sink or swim. I would try to find things that I truly enjoy about him and nurture those moments. If he feels judged or nagged he'll pull away and ignore you even more. Stay positive but not a push-over.

I'm sorry you're going through this . . . believe it or not there are intact families going through the same thing. Try to hang in there. It could be worse.

I'm sorry you are going through this. I separated from my husband when my daughter when she was four (now 18 and finishing her Freshman year in college).

Fortunately, my ex-husband and I were always on the same page with expectations and have always maintained great communication. There is no way on this planet though I would have moved away from where I am now (a mile fron the ex) and not be involved in her daily life and neither would her dad. She needed BOTH of us.

Please don't give up on him and try to get his dad on board! As far as your mini vacation, I'm assuming you had your two little ones with you. This would have been completely boring for him.

I guess if he doesn't become more motivated he will sink It's difficult being a child of divorce even under the most ideal situations

See if you can find a Love and Logic facilitator in your area. I have a 5 year old, but in the classes they had examples for teens and they were really interesting. loveandlogic.com. Hope it helps!

Personally, I think its his age. But both my husband and I have kids with ex's. They are 16 (spec needs), 12 and 9. There is a HUGE difference between all of our houses. My step dtr who is spec needs even said she likes it better at "daddy's house". She says her moms is "lame and boring". Same thing for my 2, they only sit in their rooms all weekend at their dads and play playstation while him and is wife are in the livingroom doing the same thing. It was one of the big reasons for our divorce. He just doesn't DO anything with his kids. Its so sad for them. They are all old enough to *know* there is a difference. All we can keep doing is loving and supporting them. I think you need to do that with your son. He's getting close to being an adult so you need to get him ready for that. Good luck!

Unfortunately, there is really nothing you can do but keep doing what you are doing even though you know it's not working.

At some point, kids make their own choices and unfortunately have to suffer the consequences of those choices. The only thing you can do is keep talking and when he does hit rock bottom, be there to lend emotional support while he tries to pick himself up. Notice I say "emotional" support - because if he doesn't do it himself, it won't mean anything and he will be there again.

For you, you just have to know that you warned him, told him, encouraged him, and provided the tools necessary for him to make the right choices. If you do that, you will at least be able to look yourself in the mirror. His father, on the other hand, will see his son hit rock bottom and know that he is partially to blame. Well, maybe he'll see that.

Your son will continue to rebel against you for probably many years. But know this. There will come a time in his life where he will look back and know that you did the things you did and said the things you said to him because you loved him. He will realize that you tried to help him and that the position he finds himself in is one of his own making.

It will take many years for this to happen and in the meantime, you just have to continue to encourage him to do the right thing.

I know how hard this is. I was in the same boat. My daughter never did get herself together and is now the single mother of five children, only one of which lives with her. I take only small comfort in knowing that I did everything for her that I could and that the decisions were hers to make and now the consequences are hers to bare.