Moms of older kids....
I am in a real difficult spot. I need to put my almost-19-yr-old son out of the house. Before I sound like a cruel mother, I'll outline just a few things he's pulled in the past two months:
Gotten violent with my husband and with me, been suspended from school twice for aggressive behavior, lied about doing homework - so even tho we're just weeks from graduation - he is failing. Disappeared for days on end, been caught sneaking in to the school during non school hours, been caught with sex enhancing drugs, left with a car we let him drive but that is in our name for days on end, lost his part-time job due to not showing up - the list could go on and on.
He most recently had a sort of mental 'break' in which he became unusually agressive to the point of being verbally abusive at school and he is now hospitalized but will soon be released and when I spoke to the therapist about not being able to let him come home I was told to 'find somewhere to put him'. Where is that???? Even though he's been hospitalized and is undergoing therapy and given medications, he is still severely disrespectful when I visit him, he swears at me, pounds his fists etc..Has anyone had any experience with any places I can send him? My husband refuses to spend any more money on him, as we are up to our eyeballs in legal costs due to recent events not even mentioned here that he caused.
I will not allow him back in my home and around my younger children and honestly am afraid of him without my husband standing behind me (when my husband is at work).
I don't want to just put him in a homeless shelter - please any ideas or experience??????
T.
T.,
Typically hospitals have social workers to help with different patient cases. I would start there. I would hope they would be able to recommend a place especially since they're saying you need to send him somewhere - that's very vague.
Good luck,
L.
T.,
Search the NAMI website for your local chapter. They are a tremendous resource when you're looking for options. K
Has he been diagnosed with anything? You mentioned medications, but have they labeled him with bipolar or something else? If so, I would look into the diagnosis further for support groups, etc. Has something traumatic happened to your son? It sounds like he's acting out because he's unhappy about something. Is he worried about graduating, college, working? It sounds like your relationship is strained, but I am sure you love him and you should try to have a talk with him to let him know that and to ask him what's going on and what HE would suggest you do to help him. I would start now if I were you -- my brother was like this in high school and was never diagnosed. He struggled until his late 30's (and was suicidal) and finally was diagnosed as bipolar and treated properly for it. Now his life is in order. Don't let your son suffer for years on end. I hope things work out for you all.
T., If the school nor the hospital aren't giving you any options, they are failing miserably at their jobs. First of all, I'm sorry for you. Try to remember he's your son. Be calm, even when it's hard. Remember how you loved him when he was little. The drugs and behavior he was experiencing are cries for help and attention. You need to talk to the hospital's social worker and call the school district's special ed. director. Kids always "misbehave" for a reason...whether it's behavioral, or anger, or a chemical imbalance. It's never because they WANT to be that way. I know that you and your husband are frustrated and out of money and patience, but we can't ever "give up" on our kids. He needs to know that from you. You do whatever it takes. If he's dangerous, as you describe, he needs to be in a therapeutic setting. Talk to the hospital, the spec ed director, the superintendent of the school district, and call the social services departments of your town and/or county or township. There is help out there. Make sure he knows you're going t find it.
Hi, T.,
This is a very emotionally-draining situation.I believe that a licensed social worker at the hospital should give you some examples of living arrangements.
He/she would know of programs available by the State.
If not, call the State's Dept of Health and Human Services, or
check your community.
Hope this helps, and I wish you and your family a positive outcome. Please check-out any referred places, to ensure the
best care.
L. P.
I am so sorry to hear of your troubles. i cannot begin to imagine the stress that this has on you and your family.
I only wanted to tell you that if your son is willing to see another type of Dr., homeopathy can help. It's a natural medicine and can help the body heal and get back into balance. your son seems to have a lot of emotional issues, and homeopathy can help that plus any other physical problems he might have.
Our homeopathic Dr. is in Naperville (www.dupagehomeopathic.com). She wrote this newsletter on depression (perhaps your son has this, perhaps not, but it describes the changes it can evoke in a person w/ emotional imbalance): www.dupagehomeopathic.com/newsletters/depression.pdf
You can email your son's situation to her and she can tell you if homeopathy can help you. ____@____.com
If you would like to see a list of other homeopathic dr.s in chicagoland, email me offlist.
best wishes to you in this difficult time.
WOW!!! God Bless you and your husband. The only suggestion that i have that did work for a friend is to take your son to a homeless shelter and to a real bad neighborhood. Let him see the drug addicts and prostitutes on the streets and let him now this is what very well might be waiting for him. Make sure he knows that his friends will only put him up for a couple of days here and there and thats only if they get something out of it and eventually he'll end up on the streets. If he won't go with you see if maybe you could have a police officer take him out. This was a very surreal experience for my friends daughter who at the time was doing drugs and sleeping with men old enough to be her father and running away from home for weeks at a time and getting into legal trouble. The experience scared her straight.
I wish you and your family nothing but the best and pray for a fast and happy ending. Please remember sometimes you have to let go for the good of the rest of the family. It's a hard thing to even consider but sometimes you have no options.
T.,
Is your son in an alternative or regular school? If your student has an IEP or any type of special assistants required at school, you need to set up a meeting. By the law you have rights and they are to help you until the age of 24. Call the principal to setup a meeting, there are multiple types of alternative schools and/or placements your son can be placed in. There are also vocational schools that can assist http://www.publicschoolreview.com/county_schools/stateid/....
Please remember he is lashing out because he either has an emotional problem or he is striving for attention. Do not think what he is doing is personal. There are so many parents who give up in this stage. He is young and there is a way to get through to him. It will be hard but please stay strong. There are a lot of support groups out there for you!!!
I am sorry to hear about your troubles. I hope your son recovers quickly in the hospital. I agree having him in your home now, sounds like a bad idea.
When they mention putting your son somewhere they are talking about rehabilitation I am assuming. His behavior sounds as if it is all coming from a dependency but I do not know that I am only assuming. He needs help and is calling out for it. Is he a child that used to be a little outside of the popular crowd? Not the most athletic kid? Maybe on occasions has been bullied or teased but now has found friendship in the wrong crowd who helps him to make the wrong decisions?
Does anyone in the house yell besides him? Is anyone listening to him or giving him uplifting words? Praise for the little bit he may do right on occasion right now. Believe it or not this will help. WHen visiting at the hospital remind him he is your son and you are happy he is ok, don't talk about the negative like how much trouble he is in and caused and how much money it's costing you. It only reminds him what a dissapointment you think he is (even though that is not your intention) just the way he will interpret it. WHen he pounds his fists ignore it and let him know you are there to listen to his problems and help him with what he is about to go through.
If you find a good rehab program it should remove him from the bad crowd of friends and maybe introduce him to a new set of friends and give him new self worth. Some parents consider changing schools so that the temptations are no longer there. Is it expensive? Sure, but worth it. It beats legal fees and future problems with your families safety.
Be responsible for him and make him stay home and make him go to rehab and make him go to work whatever it takes to get him back on the right track. Keep in mind all teens typically after rehab have a relapse it may take two times but in the end your child will be himself again.
By all means you do not want a violent person in your house but rehab may help him as your first step. Good Luck!
T.,
Where do you live? You can try calling AID. They may be able to help you out or tell you who to call. Their number is ###-###-####. This is the crisis and information line, but they can put you in contact with someone who can help you and if there is nobody in that office there, they have a ton of resources to give. I am so sorry. I know this is so scary for you and your family. Take care! Oh, and AID is in Aurora. If you are not in Kane county, they can still direct you as to who to call.
S. Bailey CLD
Aurora
www.tendermomentsdoula.com
Bless your heart, T.. I have a friend that went through almost exactly what you are describing about a year ago. They ended up placing their 17 year old son in a "school" in Montana. All of her information came from a woman named Sandy Link. Sandy Link has helped with some articles in The Sun called Tough Love. Here is a link to one, and I don't know any other ways to contact her... but she does live in Naperville. http://blogs.suburbanchicagonews.com/newsblog/2007/11/tou...
I wish you God's hand to comfort, protect and lead you. As a mom of three younger boys I can't imagine where you are right now, but I know my challenges are coming.
T.
Hi T.-- I am guessing that your son has been diagnosed with bipolar disorder. Have you specifically spoken with one of the therapists or a social worker on staff about this issue? They might have suggestions/help. You also might try to contact a local chapter of NAMI for help (not sure exactly where you're located). I recently went to a presentation in Orland where a few hospitals shared their services--NAMI sponsored the forum so hopefully they can help. I also attend a support group for parents of children with bipolar disorder. It meets twice a month in Naperville. There's also a good website-- CABF (children and adolescents with bipolar foundation--I think) that might give you more info.
Best of luck to you. If you want more info on the support group, please contact me.
Lincoln's Challenge
www.ngycp.org
run by the National Guard - my son can go along too if he doesn't get his act together pretty soon, not kidding.
Don't let your little one or yourself be in danger.
www.serenityhouse.com May be an ideal place. check it out D.
Don't give up on him. Sounds like he might have either a drug or alcohol problem or even a mental health problem. He needs you now more than ever. Don't just put him in a homeless shelter. Try to find some sort of help for him. I know this has to be a hard time but there has to be help out there someplace.
