Moms Is Love!! Attachment to Non-paternal Parent????

My cousin had a child out of wedlock. The father was never around. She dated through the years, but never brought the guys around her dd. When she did find the man she was going to marry, then & only then, did she introduce them.
He didn't have children & all is well now 8 years later.
J.

It is so hard not to be afraid, and even harder to "trust". I was married to my high school sweetheart for 14 years, had 3 wonderful children with him (therefore it was all worth it), when he met someone on the internet and left us. I took my kids to counseling about 3 months after he left and the counselor told me that my kids did not have a problem, but I did have. He told me that I had to learn to trust again for my kids sakes. As long as I did not allow myself to trust anyone, it was rubbing off on my kids without me knowing it. You have to let people in and that means taking chances. I agree with the person who said you could miss out on something good.

I am now married to, and have been for 8 years to the most trustworthy guy in the world. He has been so patient with me and my "issues". I knew from the first time I saw him that we would get married. I was scared, I have carried alot of baggage into the relationship, but it has been well worth it.
He fell in love with my kids before he even realized he had feelings for me. He has been a great father to my children and they would have missed out on so much if we had not gotten together.

I buys care deeply for him and he for them. And, now we have a beautiful 2 & 1/2 year old daughter that has strenghtened the bond of our blended family.

I say go for it...invite him to go on a picnic or to the park, or just for dinner and a movie with you and your boys.
Maybe what you are missing is seeing him with your kids, you wont know how that is going to be until you start to allow that to happen.

Good Luck and God Bless you

Sorry, I won't have the advice of a long paragraph like some might. But, this is one you need to figure out on your own. So ask yourself these questions.
Is he a great man.
Will he harm you or your children.
Does he treat your children like he would treat his own?
He has been there through thick and thin, do you trust him with your darkest secrets?
Can you imagine your life without him?
He's witnessed you being hurt, has be helped you pick up the pieces and repair your heart, while he sat on the sidelines. Do you truly love him?

Here is a senerio, you are in the grocerry store waiting in line. The person ahead of you pays for some groceries and then leaves. The cashier notices on the bottom of the cart thre were 4 gallons of milk that he had forgotten to charge the person who was ahead of you. As that person leaves the store, the cashier turns to you and says "well, you are going to have to pay for the milk that just walked out the door", of course you are appalled and ask "WHY?!?". THe cashier says back to you, "Well, somone has to pay for the milk, and you are next in line".

Of course this is totally unfair to you. Why should you have to pay for the mistake of the cashier or the person who didn't pay for the milk?

Talk to him about your fears. He is a different man, but the next in line. Don't make him pay for others mistakes.

A.,
I totally understand what you are thinking about and why. I want to encourage you to not let your fears keep you alone. If you push him away you may regret it.

In my own situation I have been in a bad marriage for 23 years. I've been so fearful of even the possibility of another man coming into my children's lives I have just settled with the marriage I have. I am a coward. I've been married so long with my husband now I know I won't change it. But you are young. You deserve to be happy too.

Suzi

Whats the hurry! I would take it nice and slow and perhaps some pre maritial counseling would help for you to get closure on your past relationships. I think that you have some deep self esteem issues that brought into a marriage could make it harder to focus on your partner and you. And if you have some odd feelings always follow those.
Do what you do for you first then the rest will follow.

I would suggest you get some therapy. You need to decide for yourself where you are going with this friendship or relationship...I don't think you really know. To me it seems like you are looking for male love but because you take it to the bedroom so fast and get burned your afraid to commit.

Obviously, this guy likes you alot....NO MATTER WHAT you have done or how many kids you have. He obviously likes your kids too...which says a heck of a lot. I wasn't entirely bowled over/committed to my husband until he chased me for 15 years...YES 15 YEARS!!! We both went through broken engagements and ended up back together.

If you don't want him hanging around your kids then you need to make sure that when you do see him they aren't around. Boys need men in their lives. My husband has been gone 4 out of 5 years of my sons life (b/c he's military and been deployed)...my son latches on to ANY man that comes around...I don't care if it is the yard man, the post man, or the plumber...he thinks they all rock this world and immediately starts a conversation with them. Whether you decide to continue a relationship with Jay or not, the boys have been exposed to him and will feel a loss at his departure...

Get your act together and figure out what you want. Absolutely every decision you make will affect your children but you are paralyzing yourself and your children at your inabilty to make good decisons.

I am 31. I met a guy online about 3 yrs ago. Well we tried long distance broke up 7 months later & have remained friends with only 2 visits. He tells me he wants to be with me in April this year no one else. I visit in June & it is for real. My son is 11 never has seen me even kiss a man. He is having lots of emotional/behaviorial issues right now just out of the blue. I believe that I would not have been dealing with some of these things if I had let him have closer relationships with the men I have dealt with. Kids are smart they know when someone is not their parent. You also have to have an agreement that when you let them in your life they are also in your child's life and must be respectful of that. Don't wait so long like I did. We are moving to his town in December because I just can't stand another second without him. I am sure it is going to be a hard transition for my son. But we will work through it i am sure.

You have awesome responses here. I want to add something.....I understand your concern about involving your children with this man and I commend you for that. Of course there are women who date numerous men, bring too many around their children, confuse the heck out of them, etc. etc. Obviously, you are not that woman. You are attempting to make responsible decisions.
My parents divorced when I was young and neither of them ever dated for the same reasons you have expressed. As a result, my siblings and I never saw a normal, healthy relationship between a man and a woman - or really, any type of a relationship between a man and a woman. I remember seeing friends' parents kiss and it freaked me out - even when I was a teenager. I believe this has impacted our romantic relationships as adults - and in a very negative way.

Be responsible about your relationships, but don't go overboard. Kids are tough and they are smart. If you did allow things to progress with Jay, and somehow they didn't work out, of course it would be hard on your children, but your children need to develop an understanding and appreciation of adult relationships and adult love - and as we all know - adult relationships and adult love are not always perfect. Sometimes things don't work out. Just as we cope with that, your children will too - and maybe they'll learn something from that as well. To deny reality and the significance of these relationships does not benefit you, your children, this man or the future you all may or may not have together.
As for your concerns about "something missing," just take your time. You don't need to commit to him tomorrow, but if you don't allow the relationship to fully grow, you're never going to be able to figure it all out. You have to give 100% to fully explore the potential, otherwise you're selling everyone short.
Good Luck :)

The single question I would pose to you is - is there the spark of "seeing a person across that crowded room and your heart starts jump and dance big time?" Does he make your heart sing? If you can answer "yes" to both then you know.

You're only 24 and speaking of another kid - financial I hope your ready. People say --- ah what's one more and it's very expensive. Got three myself.

You got plenty of time. You are blessed with two children already. What's the hurry? If you are questioning yourself now then you should do more soul search........

Good Morning A., Like Suzi said you deserve to be happy as well as your children.(So do you Suzi) If Jay has stayed around over 5 yrs watching you try and work on relationships, and still wants a relationship with you. Why not? I can understand your fear, of allowing your children and yourself to get to close. A fear of it not working. So why not just set down with Jay and share all of your worries, concerns and fears. If he is honest, trustworthy, open with his feelings he can hopefully help to calm your fears.
He sounds like a wonderful man to of stayed by you all these years as a friend.

If you continue dating keep it dating only, Nothing physical!
That's just a mom talking A.. Your an adult as is Jay and there is a spiritual connection with the physical. In most relationships the physical brings us closer together. I know realistically in todays world it doesn't always happen like that. Hence your baby's father just leaving you to take care of yourselves.

If you really want a relationship with Jay, talk through your concerns and fears with him.

I wish you all the happiness Life has to give.
K. Nana of 5
Be Joyful in Hope, Patient in Afflection, Faithful in Prayer. Romans 12:12

Sounds like you were really hurt before this man came along. I think you should try counceling to help you overcome this new fear that has developed and may continue with other men if you break off this relationship. You should really sit back and dig deep to try to see why you don't want to get close to this man before it goes any further. And if you do decide to not pursue the relationship, then get your kids invovled in the Big Brothers organization. That will give them that manly figure in their lives that they need. Good luck and God Bless.

First and foremost, your children are your number one priority. You have to think about what is truly best for them. They need a father! If there are true concerns about the safety of your children or if there are any red flags at all, break it off. BUT, if it's just because you're afraid of getting hurt again, you really need to start trusting again (for your kids'sake, as well as yours). If you love him and he loves you (and it looks to me like you've had time to figure it out over the last five years), then there is nothing that should stop you from pursuing this to a permanent level. You do need to ask yourself some things, though: would he make a good father to your boys? Would he be a kind of man you would want to spend the rest of your life with? How does he treat his mother and sisters? You said he loves you but does he love your kids?
If you really feel like something is missing, TALK TO HIM. If he's serious about you, he'll want to address any issue you may have that would keep you from him.

I don't really have any advice for you but bless your heart for putting your boys first and not taking a chance on them being hurt by your relationship with this man.

I hope this all works out for you and your family.

A., until you get yourself to a point that you can get past the hurt of past relationships and trust a person for who they are then you have no business being in anything serious with anyone, especially a relationship.

Stop saying you love this man when everything in your letter shows you don't. You love the fact that he always seems to be there for you when the others fail you, like a relief pitcher in a ball game. Him caring about you has never stopped you from seeking "love" from someone else and putting him back on the side line to watch and wait.

Five year is not a long time to ge in a relationship with even 1 person and you are on your third or more. Take time to discover what you really want for yourself in life and then really take the time to examine if the guy you are with now truly compliments where you want to go in life.

a lot of times we make all the compromises thinking we are in love and what we are really doing is settling.

Both of you need to slow down and think about what you bothe are really looking for and take time to discuss it openly and honestly.

Lastly, a man that finds a wife finds a good thing. It was nice to hear you say that he is talking marriage. Just don;t get so involved that you play the role without before you get the official title--sound like that is where you are heading to me. No man should live in your house that is not your husband and no man should be your husband unless he can show you he can provide for you and the children, that he can love the children like they are his own and provide for them.

Slow it down A. and take time to think.

I have been in your shoes, it is hard to being someone into your kids life, but this sounds like a great guy. Just start out slow, go play mini golf or something fun like that. Have him over for dinner. Let them become "friends". If you are talking about marriage and another baby with this guy it is evidently very serious and I don't htink it is fair to spring all of that on a kid at one time either. I think a slow transition is better than a big bomb!

A.,
I haven't been in your situation, but I've been burned in relationships before (prior to kids, so I can only imagine the Momma Bear protectiveness of your kids making it 200 times harder to trust again)and it HURTS!
Just wanted to send you a hug, and all my hopes that this works out for you.
You are protecting your children from getting too attached (and from your post, it looks like you've already fallen for this guy =0) and there's nothing wrong with that!!! He sounds like a great supportive guy. (Remember, there are NO PERFECT guys out there, just as none of us women are perfect either). There is a risk of getting hurt in any relationship, but if you don't try, you'll never know. I agree with the "milk" poster...it's not Jay's fault for the pain your sons' father caused. I'd say give him a chance. This is a great opportunity for you to learn to love and trust again, and a wonderful way to model these things for your sons. Do not deny yourself the chance to be with a good man, because you may also be denying the boys a chance to have a good role model, maybe even a "dad", a happy mom, and a way to learn to love and trust again.
Sending you all the best.

Are your boys by the same father? Just curious!

A., I am in a similar situation. I have a son that's 10 and in a relationship with a wonderful man that I have known for 10 years now. He was the one that I would always go to when me and my son's father or another relationship wouldn't work out. For lack of a better word the "rebound guy" nothing physical, just to hang out. After 7 years of knowing this guy I finally introduced him to my son (just as an aquaintance) and it was almost like an instant connection... oddly my son is the one that pushed us to start dating and 2 years later we are engaged and expecting a child!!! Even through our rough spots he has never turned his back on my son and is always there for him when it's "uncool to talk to mommy". I can't tell you what you should do, but I will tell you this I almost missed my soul-mate worrying about my son and I thank God every day that it was my child that was wise enough to say "mom he's the one!"

good luck and God bless

I think you should read your own question! You describe this man as wonderful. You say you are head over heels in love with him. This guy is so great in so many ways...a great partner.

This guy has watched you go through a relationship with another man, have his children, and he is still there for you. Jay is obviously NOT the same kind of man as the father of your children. Think about it - is there anything other than fear that is keeping you from accepting his love? If there is nothing about him or your relationship with him that is raising a red flag, then all you have to work on is the fear itself. You're not afraid of Jay, you're afraid of your ex.

What is it that's lacking? Is it important? Or is it just fear keeping you from getting close, and what's lacking is the closeness?

I don't know you or Jay, but he sounds like a great guy who loves you enough to wait for you. I would think that if he waited so long to be with you, he's not going to run out on you. You have a history with him, and likely a great future.