Mom with Out of Control Daughter!

If you get any good responses - I would love some tips! I am experiencing the same results from my 7yo - since she was born it seems like!

You do know that teens are crazy at this age right? I mean, they are scientifically proven to show signs of crazy? Like brain scans and such? (If I ever find the article I'll paste it in an update. Very enlightening)

With that said, I've raised both a boy and a girl to adulthood and paste the crazy and they lived to tell about it.

They don't know WHY they act like they do. So when she says, "I don't know" she probably doesnt. And while she's raging, everyone is the enemy.

With that said, it's never ok for her to put her hands on someone. EVER. So I'd try counseling. I know a friend of mine has put her daughter on the pill (I think it's YAZ? Not sure of the name) for PMdd for the moment to see if the rage/sadness/depression/anger issues don't subside with that and if they don't, will take her off of them and try a low dose antidepressant just to get her thought the rough patches.

Now I never gave my daughter any meds. But to here her tell it (when she was 15), I beat her every day, kicked her out of the house - TWICE, mentally and a myriad of other things she accused me of at this age, although for some reason, neither my So nor my other son seem to recall having that kind of experience in the house.

What I'm trying to say is, they are prone to exaggeration, they cry all the time, they are angry all the time and one minute they hate you another they love you and well...you get the idea.

Stick to your guns on the boundaries. It's her job to push, its yours to stand true. Don't allow her to hit, etc the younger siblings. And I would make a time, each month (or every two weeks, or what ever's convenient) for it to be just about you guys. A mother/daughter day. To get to know the young adult she's becoming. And listen more than talk. And allow her to get to know you too.

I am sending a bottle of wine and good thoughts your way. I'm prayin for ya hun. Whew....

She is jealous, nuts, angry, pissed off - in other words - a teenager. After having three of them I vividly remember my oldest daughter - it seemed as though she was a nightmare for us. She went from this wonderful, headstrong, unbelievably smart, cute girl into a person we could no longer say anything right to. We (and her siblings) could not look the right way, act the right way, breathe the right way, we couldn't do anything right in her eyes. We actually did go to one session with a family counselor and they explained to me that she was just fine. We were told to continue with what we were doing but to add a special day with just her. We did do this once a month. It might have been a movie, getting nails done, whatever we could fit in. It made a huge difference. Looking back I can see that we were so busy with work and kids- driving everyone to their various activities, friends houses, etc. that maybe she was being expected to act older than she could. Take a step back and see if this is true in your house. If you possibly expect her to help with the other ones and in turn she gets attitude from them, or if maybe she just needs a little more of a life of her own (going with friends, sports, whatever she likes) away from her siblings. We did not have any hitting, that was always not allowed at our house at any age, but words can be just as bad.

Ask her what is making her so mad, maybe she has an answer.

Good luck, it does pass and hopefully you get to enjoy an adult child.

I recommend reading Siblings Without Rivalry by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish.

I also agree with Czechma. She's acting out because she needs more positive attention that show she's as important to you as the younger kids. Do mother and daughter and father and daughter things with her. Show her she is special.

The teen years are difficult. She is neither a child nor an adult and is needing to find her place in her world. this includes within the family.

Because you say the fights get physical, I urge you to get involved with family counseling. It will help all of you learn how to get along with each other and will help her learn better ways of dealing with her anger.

Let her know it's OK to feel anger but it's not OK to hit/lay hands on her siblings.

I also suggest that you send her to her room; separate her from the younger siblings. Talk with her first, when all is peaceful that you are going to ask her to go to her room to cool off. Let her do whatever she wants in her room because doing so will help her to calm down. It's not a punishment it's a discipline to help her learn.

Also spend some one on one time with her just listening to her complaints. Don't comment on them. Be sympathetic to the way she feels. Being sympathetic does not mean that you agree. It means that you accept her feelings. When we're able to talk about how we feel we are much less likely to act on them.

Is your husband or Daddy involved? He needs to be.
At every event that she is part of you and he need to be there. Shower her with attention, show her how much you love the young woman she is becoming. Have Dad be the one to take her to her friend's houses, volunteer to chaperone the field trips, and dances.
Go out as a family and have fun so you arent' yelling at her all the time. Go bowling or rollerskating.
She is feeling lost, Pretty soon she will be out of the house and you are still so involved with the little ones. She feels like you really don't have time for her anymore. Make time.
I have a 16 yo, a 14 yo and an 11 yo. My 16 yo has lashed out too at the 11 yo, because I still have to help him and I expect her to be more adult at times than she is.

Also her activities keep her busy. She is on the swim team and the Robotics cub, the Latin Club, FFA, a writing club. She feeds the homeless the first Saturday of the month and does youth group.

What sort of discipline have you tried? Are you afraid of her? How much positive attention is she getting? What are her grades like? How active is her father in her life?

You haven't included any real details in your question that could offer clues as to what's really going on with your daughter.

get her a evaluation by a dr. it is never ok for her to put her hands on them. try to sit down and talk to her calmly after the other kids are in bed to see why she is acting like this.

I worked in a daycare for about a year and my experience with out of control kids was to discipline with time outs. Now I know you may think "thats for 2 year olds" but to be honest it worked wonders with the older kids. Take out all the fun items in her room and send her up there for as long as you feel would get your point across. Kids want attention and they feel with acting out they wil get the attention weather its in a bad way(getting yelled at) or not. Just take her away from the situation explain to her you are to be up here for so amount of time and leave her be. dont interact with her or respond in any way to give her the satisfaction that she is searching for. Obviously all kids and teens are different just do what you feel is right in your situation!

Sounds to me a trip to the Homeless Shelter to volunteer is in order...so she can be reminded how good she has it and how others in this world are not as lucky!?

Maybe even look into one of those 'Scared Straight' programs where you check them into the local authorities and the troubled youths get a look at life behind bars.

~This may sound extreme but I am assuming you have tried all other options...such as talking to her to find out what is the matter with her, grounding her for her misbehavior, taking away all electronics and ability to contact outside friends, etc, etc. How are her grades in school?

How about a job? Keep her busy so there is no time to mess with them. She needs to start acting her age, so maybe getting some responsibilities around the house and outside of the house is what you should try. Even sign her up to volunteer somewhere.

Something is going on with her emotionally, physically and/or mentally...seek professional help. I would start with a psychiatrist and follow up with a visit to a gynecologist. You will need to go in with her for the first part of each appointment initially so that you can inform each doctor about your concerns. Children at that age are going through so many confusing changes be patient and don't lose sight of your love for your daughter. Blessings & Peace!